catfeeder

You do make sense, and I hope it's some comfort to know that most of us can relate, at least to one degree or another, to what you say. It feels isolating, as though nobody else suffers the same problems, even though such feelings are universal--some people just tap into them occasionally, while others tap into them all of the time. Even the most confident person you know can have a day or a spell of days or weeks or months where they reach into that part of themselves that can view the world through a lens that overlooks all of their accomplishments, and finds instead, exactly the proof they need to see themselves as unloved, unlovable and weak.This is why the suicide hotlines are not just for emergencies, like a 911 number, but rather they are for 'prevention'. They are often serviced by people who've been exactly where you are, and yet because they allowed someone to help them, they became able to tap different aspects of themselves and are now trained and capable of helping the next person through this. You did the same thing to get sober, only now you're forgetting those skills because you're tapped into a deeper place and can't remember how to climb out. So why not do two things? First, contact one of the hotlines on the Internet to discuss your feelings with them. If one person isn't helpful, call the next. Learn from them how to stabilize at least just enough for the second step. That would be reaching back to your recovery community as though you're seeking their help for the first time. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll write more if it helps.

This is something important to consider, and mainly because you wrote this: I get this. I was an overachiever exactly because of this. I suffered the A+ student syndrome through a good part of my career, and all the way through my Master's degree because I didn't know where the bar was set. So because I would view anything less than an A+ as criticism of my work, I became obsessive about leaping so far over that imaginary bar, there could be no room for a lesser grade. That was lonely. I saw the people around me relaxed and playful and delivering presentations and submitting work so far below what I believed was acceptable, yet they'd get good grades and still advance along with me. REALLY? Well, doesn't this sound like what you're doing, especially when you take over other peoples work? A therapist can not only help you with your self esteem bottom line, but you'll have someone to help you review your cut-back plans and hold you accountable to reporting actual progress in this area. You'll also challenge yourself to take private criticism from your therapist and avoid playing "the good patient" who cannot be honest with a therapist just because you're striving to get an A+ in therapy! Instead, you can raise this with the therapist, up front, and ask to be busted on your BS so you can learn how to relax and get real. Head high, but not too high 🙂

What, exactly, do you feel guilty about? Challenge yourself on that. She knows how to press your buttons, because she installed them. You knew she'd drop the docile act the moment you didn't comply, so why would you be surprised by the drama routine? Head high, and good job blocking her. You will thank yourself.

You can attempt to play friendzies and harm yourself further, or you can recognize that you are not her friend at this time, because friends operate as equals, they don't hold an agenda. I would tell this woman that you are walking away while you both still think highly of one another. She's free to settle her old business, and you're sparing yourself from any need for a second breakup should she reconcile with her ex. She is welcome to contact you in the future should she find herself completely free and clear of all ties to a prior lover, both physically and emotionally, and she's healed and stabilized solo rather than reaching for a rebound. If you are still available at that point, maybe you can meet to catch up. Otherwise, you wish her the best. This leaves your door open a crack while liberating you to grieve and heal and formulate your own plans to cultivate your own future. Should ex ever contact you to reconcile, you'll have made the climb to your own higher ground, and you'll be far better positioned to make wise decisions from that place. This is a win/win, because should ex not contact you to reconcile, you'll have already made the headway in healing. You can't do that while orbiting her in stagnation. Head high.

So funny, I thought the same thing. Asking myself, "Electronically? Really? Is this cold-messaged, or have you been chatting at all, first? Has he offered any of this info about himself?" I mean, what I'm looking for, that's easy. So easy, it would be in my profile--so apparently, dude is not interested enough to read a profile. But romantic vision? That would make me squirm. Sounds romance-scammy, I dunno--like asking for a template. @yogacat, I don't think it's just you. I guess context means a lot. Do these questions come in after you've messaged a bit? Are they set up like numbered questions on a quiz?

I think you've chosen an excellent way to frame the problem. Now you can use your management skills to create and run two projects: Work Optimization and Family Life. Manage these both together as 'your job'. Also consider the steps you are still taking today to manage your sobriety versus those you used to get sober. You may want to revisit some of those older steps to learn whether you can move some of your work focus back onto working your sobriety. You might feel more secure and less prone to using work as a means to compensate for insecurity. Define your scope of work. How much of your current focus falls directly within that scope? How much out-of-scope work directly impacts you, versus how much of it are you just using to prevent yourself from moving your focus to your family? Is the distance you create with your family due to feeling less than capable with them, and if so, what steps can you take to manage that discomfort as a priority? This can avoid snowballing the problem into the future. Identify sub-issues. For instance, taking over work that isn't being done to your standards. Is this work being done by those you manage? If so, why not find better ways to manage the people, and if the people are sub-par, stop wasting your management time on lost causes and replace them with better people? If you are not managing these people, design a process for those tasks and present it to your manager instead of taking over the work itself. Your manager will determine how many of your suggestions can be implemented, and you can also allow that person to deal with the outcomes. Use cost/benefit analyses to weigh potential outcomes if you were to minimize work conversations after hours. This can help you to re-order your priorities by clarifying whether those outcomes weigh more than those of distancing yourself from your family. Head high, congrats on your sobriety, and feel free to write more if it helps.

I understand. I had a long relationship with an electronics engineer while I sucked at math. He tutored me through college classes and helped to build my confidence beyond what I could have imagined. So maybe think in terms less adversarial? You have this fabulous expert on YOUR side, and she loves to teach. Why not see what you can learn from her, and then maybe your guy friends will straighten up and fly right.

I have no quarrel with biological or evolutionary distinctions between sexes, and my point certainly has nothing to with advocating for either female or male supremacy. Whether a system wants to segment people by sex or by wealth or by any other means, there have been, as you point out, and there will always be, people who will push for progression past their own marginalization. None of this is new, so I simply don't buy into the notion that there is some sudden and dire collapse in the dating world because of it. If there is a segment of men who are pulling out of dating and mating, they are well within their rights to do so. And if there is a sub-segment of those men who also want to regard the entire population of women with hostility, then they have effectively self-screened and have done each woman a favor if she wants to date a man who is not hostile toward her. There is nothing 'radical' about the idea that humans seek mates that match their values and share their goals and desires. Where women have made progress in equality of rights as human beings, we could not have done so without the expanding number of men who share, respect and uphold such equality. Those who don't agree with such progress will find one another, as will those who agree. This isn't rocket science, and it's also not a crisis.

Thanks for the discussion, Coilly. My point was not about "gotcha". It was about those who want to hold up the word 'feminism' as a dirty one and use it as their reason to justify dropping out of today's dating pool. I think that's fine, because if they want to imbue that word with hostility, and then broadly apply that hostility toward every woman who exists within that dating pool, then there they are--not likely to impress any woman who doesn't appreciate the hostility. I don't view that as a collapse of dating or mating. Humans have the widest spectrum of any mammal in terms of male participation in mating and child rearing, ranging from donating a teaspoon of sperm all the way up to becoming a baby wearing, bottle feeding, softball throwing Dad. Some women's definition of a 'powerful' man today has become a man who will power a stroller. And plenty of men are even willing to call themselves a 'feminist'. Yet I get that there are some men who must automatically couple the word 'feminist' with 'radical' or must find ways to somehow separate it away from 'suffrage' starting with control over women's bodies, or will equate it to some imagined perverse desire for an 'abortion' or are otherwise only willing to charge the word with negativity and use it as a slur. And where that's the case, those men are welcome to keep it as their blanket for whatever they want to project onto it. I just don't have to buy into the idea that this creates some kind of dating and mating crisis for the women of the world and the men who love and support us.

My question, too. My heart goes out to you, and you are always welcome to write here.

Given that you haven't felt comfortable enough with him to have the kind of intimate conversations that people in love typically have, it's understandable if this isn't enough for you. I can only speak for myself, and a tepid companion wouldn't do it for me, either. I'd prefer to be alone unless I'm making room in my life for someone who is as crazy about me as I am for him.

You are certainly doing the work to keep an open mind, and I hope you have a wonderful time. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if he wears a tux?

How were you able to see a therapist before? Are you in school? If so, ask for a referral from a school counselor. You are allowed to keep your reasons confidential, and if you doubt that, you can extract that agreement from the counselor prior to discussing anything you don't want to discuss. Sp your parents would know nothing beyond the fact that your counselor recommends that you see XYZ therapist. You can research the recommendation via the Internet prior to raising it with your parents to ensure that nothing specific about this therapist's specialty is public knowledge.

I hear, RR. My Mom was a well known hair stylist in town, so I grew up to the model of being fully dressed and made up before leaving the house. She didn't want to be spotted by customers looking frumpy. This impacted me in ways I didn't understand because it was all I knew. Also not helpful were her critical comments of people who were messy and "had no pride" after we'd pass them in public. This mindset was something I had to 'unlearn' over time, but I'm glad I did--to whatever degree. That's the qualifier I'll use, because I'll admit that I easily related to your reaction to the guy you met. So how we were raised has a larger impact on some of us than on others. For instance, I had to be fully dressed in my 'Sunday best,' complete with a doily-like thingus on my head for Catholic mass when I stayed with my grandparents on school vacations and summers. You wouldn't believe the holy h3LL they raised when their church introduced casual services where people could wear jeans. They would have rolled in their graves had they seen the girls at my Catholic university showing up in pajama bottoms for morning classes. Today, I'm not even a practicing Catholic, but I'd still never step foot on a church property without a decent outfit--sans the head thingie.

Yeah, and good luck with that. I think you're just having fun tinkering with strangers on the Internet.