Cherylyn

The problem with blurting out so-called stupid comments is that it's really not stupid at all. It's what he really thinks. 😒 The only difference is that after his apology, he'll guard his words better in the future but it's still hurtful for you just the same. The problem with a "mouth problem" is that once anyone says or writes something offensive, they can't take it back. Sure, apologies are nice to hear but the seed of distrust had been implanted within the deep recesses of your brain. You'll never forget it. Your negative memory of him is permanent. His character is what you need to pay attention to. It's only a matter of time before he'll "accidentally" blurt another disrespectful and very rude comment to you again. Either wait for it to happen yet again or exit the relationship and be with a person who treats you with respect.

Even though my story is not the same as yours, usually reconciliation expectations include efforts to make amends, remorse, verbally saying sincere apologies and genuine change for the better now and in the future. Talk is cheap unless there's action to back it up meaning real change and improvement in behavior. Reconciliation requires very mature adult conversations to clear the air, both parties truly listening with zero distractions and the desire to resume the relationship (or friendship) with concerted efforts put forth. Reconciliation requires tremendous amounts of humility. What did it look like? Reconciliation includes healthy conversations without interrupting, being great listeners, desire to resolve issues and taking baby steps. Communication is key. Empathy is a must. Trust takes a long time to rebuild. I've been very bitter and resentful regarding the past. However, if the perpetrator humbly apologizes, I will accept "I'm sorry for . . ." My former frostiness begins to thaw. It is rare though. Most people are in denial mode, couldn't care less how you feel and they'll never apologize in a million years. You're expected to move on and play "nice" while knowing there's high risk of offensive and abusive history repeating itself. If you're one of the lucky few to experience emotional intelligence from those who've wronged you sorely, consider yourself very fortunate. Good times and wonderful memories are often reminisced. However, never allow nostalgia to cloud your judgment. Never allow your emotions to cancel your realistic common sense. Be practical. Use your mind.🫢 I see good in a lot of people. However, it's those bad memories which will cause you to look at the facts. Most of the time, if you allow certain people back into your life, there is a strong possibility for the relationship to go awry again. I can be soft on people, take them back and then I'm sorry I did because the breakup or estrangement occurred for a reason. There were personality and character differences which can never be overlooked. There was huge lack of empathy which was the deal breaker. Also, it depends if you really want reconciliation. Often times, years have since passed, you've carved a new life for yourself, grew accustomed to your freedom and significantly reduced your stress. I generally err on the side of caution. If people are red flags or they gave me a very painful, negative and extremely stressful experience, I tend to be very risk adverse. I don't take yet another chance of getting hurt again. I've gambled in the past and lost badly. ☹️It's not worth experiencing pain all over again IMHO. Once bitten, twice shy. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. 😒

How would I react? I wouldn't react to him. In my mind, I wouldn't date him anymore. A roving eye is not fine with me. 😒 Continue being very picky and choosy. I am and it paid off. I'm very happily married to an honorable man who knows how to behave with integrity. This is the type of man worth waiting for. Never settle for less.

I'm with you. I wouldn't feel happy being a guy who is broke. Sorry, it's the reality of the situation. In my view, there are two types of men financially speaking. Broke with a situation which does not look promising for the future such as child support, lots of baggage, dealing with his ex for decades to come, limited time, unstable economics and the lot. Then there is the guy who is broke. However, he has strong potential. When my husband and I dated, we had limited means but eventually both of us prospered. We both saw how realistic our financial future could be. This is a different situation entirely. My advice? Give yourself questions. Think of the quality of life for him, yourself and both of you together. Will it be met with constant financial struggle or will you be comfortable? Will he be fraught with money worries? Will he have to be stingy because there is no choice? Is it fun to live this way? Love doesn't pay the rent. ☹️

I'm with you @rainbowsandroses. I wouldn't want to be with a man who looks as if he just rolled out of bed, didn't bother to shower, wore frumpy clothes and acted as if he didn't care about the date or you! 😡It's disrespectful to you and rude. It's actually selfish to put it bluntly. A clean, well groomed, neat appearance can go a long way. Then if you couple that with stellar character, you have a winner. There is nothing wrong with being picky and choosy. It's a package deal to be sure. 🙂

Like you, I was sweet, too. I would say I was sweet to a fault. I showered friends and relatives with all forms of my generosity. I would race to their doorstep with homemade dinners in tow due to any hardship (financial, sickness, surgery, bereavement, new baby, new move, accidents, etc.) I gave them 'thinking of you gifts' if I knew they were feeling down or needed some cheering up. We emailed one another, met in public or traveled to one another's houses which included long drives, air travel or both. For local friends, relatives and in-laws, I was extremely accommodating, helpful and gave endless moral support. I put my money where my mouth was. 💰 💸 Like you, after a while, I burned out. It seems that I was doing all the giving and they were doing all the taking and whenever I was down and out, all I heard were crickets. 🐞 😒 I've since whittled down my people list to a select few and it's enough. Keep in mind that being in social butterfly mode is way overrated IMHO. It's expensive and very time consuming. I've found that I didn't have much time for myself when I was so busy catering to other people's needs first. I didn't have time to take good care of my health, appearance, hobbies were a rarity and it was a challenge squeezing in fitness time because I was either frenetically busy or too darn tired after doing so much for others! Be careful what you wish for @Alex39. Absorbing other people's problems, troubles, stresses and trying to make them happy is very taxing to the point where you lose yourself in the process. I've since released some people from my life and I admit, at first it's quite an adjustment and unsettling. Then as time marches on, you'll grow accustomed to suddenly having more time for yourself. Most of all, you'll have more brain space to focus on your own life, needs and doing what makes you happy. Be careful because some friends (or relatives or in-laws if applicable) take too much of your time, money and efforts to maintain the relationship. Ever since I've whittled down my associations, my bank account increased. Imagine that. 😉 Keep in mind regarding how people treat you. If they habitually exploit you, they're benefiting from you. They don't care to do anything for you so beware because they're taking advantage of your naivete. You're merely at their disposal and convenience according to their whim. Or, as you can attest, they breadcrumb you, put you on a shelf and whenever they're ready on their timeline, they'll contact you. You're basically on standby. 🤨 I've met a lot of great friends at my local church which you might want to try if you're faith based. There are all sorts of groups and ministries there. Or, volunteer in your community for charity, fundraisers for worthy causes and the like. It's very rewarding to help the disadvantaged. If you want to be with empathetic types, go where they are.

I can't speak for everyone. However, there is truth to 'when you look good, you feel good' for at least me anyway. If I look like _______ , I feel like _______ . ☹️ To me, it's the package deal. I take good care of my overall health. Then couple that with cleanliness and grooming which makes me feel positive and upbeat. I tend to put forth the effort to be presentable according to my personal standards but I don't hold it against anyone for how they look. They're strangers to me so whatever they do is fine as long as we don't cross paths. Having said that, dates are different. I believe first impressions are very telling and it's a form of respect to care about one's general appearance when meeting for the first time or during social occasions. It's common sense. 🫢 Society treats you better when you don't look like a slob or so I've noticed. I've had instances when I looked unkempt which resulted in lousy to subpar service. Then when I dialed up my appearance, I was treated better during social occasions and service was on point so yes, appearances do matter. In many ways, I take after my mother. To this day, I never dash out the door without a swipe of lipstick because I grew up watching her apply lipstick before being out in public. It's an old habit which stuck. 🙂 Same with brushing one's hair. It's been the same with my sons. Ever since they were tiny, they were always freshly bathed, clean clothes, hair groomed courtesy of their mother and they're the same now. It's how we are. My husband is the same. It's generational from both sides of our families. It's a way of life.

My secret sauce is limiting screen time. If I can get away with it, there will be days or weeks before I turn the TV on. I tend to steer clear of excessive social media because it turns into a huge time trap. I reduce my cell phone use as much as possible. It's amazing how productive and industrious I am when I can concentrate on my work, home chores, decluttering, discarding, organizing, cleaning, cooking, hobbies, reading library books, fitness and the like. When you prioritize your tasks and eliminate time wasters, you can check more off your 'to-do' list. 🙂

I'm the opposite. Whenever life is great, I don't mind listening to occasional melancholic music. However, if I'm feeling down, I definitely do not want to listen to melancholic music because it's depressing and makes me feel too blue. No thanks. If I feel miserable, I prefer to listen to upbeat, perky music which is more uplifting and positive for my mood.

You deal with it by returning the favor. Ghost her back. Her actions spoke louder than words. She's letting you know that she has since moved on from you so you do likewise. This has happened to me. Granted, my story is not the same as yours. Yes, I've been used, taken advantage of, spent a lot of my time, labor and money on some people in my life only for them to make me feel the same as you. Yes, you feel exploited and easily discarded. I hear you. There is nothing you can do other than continue marching on with your own life. Not all friendships were meant to endure nor remain permanent. People, no matter who they are, will come and go throughout your lifetime. Some are keepers and were meant to remain for decades to come and others will fade away into oblivion. In the meantime, stay busy with your own life. Concentrate on what you need to do and what brings you joy. You'll no longer preoccupy yourself with thinking of people who don't deserve you nor deserve your brain space. Don't pay attention to people who haven't earned your respect.

Having sat on both sides of the fence, I can relate. I'm a mother, have friends, had friends and I'm a friend so I qualify to be all of them. I remember being a young mother of little ones. I know I'll catch a lot of flak regarding not maintaining friendships when I was a young, frazzled, frenetically busy mother of two little boys. Sorry, and no, I couldn't do it all. There were times when I went crazy (not in a bad way) with being completely engrossed with motherhood, family priorities, local relatives and in-laws plus doing it all when there were only so many hours in a day. 😵 I plead guilty for not being as attentive to friends who often fell by the wayside. I will add, that I don't include social media, texts, emails, messages and voicemails to be the same as in person friendships. I'm more old school. In person friendships are very important especially if you're local and don't reside unreasonably far apart from one another. As a friend, you need to learn to adapt. Your friends who are mothers who are no longer young and carefree. They have familial responsibilities now and friends no longer are the top of their list. I'm sorry but it's the reality of the situation. These mothers are extremely consumed with raising families. You will only grasp this concept with full comprehension when you become a mother someday. Until then, you'll never understand completely. 🫢 I know it's not an excuse but this is how life plays out. A mother is very busy catering to her family's needs first and foremost. You're not even secondary. Hence, you're limited and relegated to birthday parties, special occasions, perhaps holidays and events. Friendships evolve and I'm sorry to say, you've been reduced to an acquaintance level. It's no one's fault. Life happens. I've found what works best is to be able to relate to people who are similar to you whether it's occupation, hobbies, intellect, interests, sports, childless in your case, single, etc. You'll have more in common with people who share your similar lifestyle and stage in life. People who are similar to you will have more time, energy and brain space for you as well. It's not always true about opposites attract. To the contrary, there is more camaraderie with those with shared values and whatever stage in life you're at. I will not be harsh when giving you my perspective. I find your concerns to be very valid and I can definitely relate. I've walked a mile in your shoes. Another piece of advice is to not be too focused on others. Carve out your own life whatever it may be whether it's working hard, taking care of your health, fitness, eating well, immersing yourself into hobbies, reading library books (for example), various endeavors or doing what you enjoy. People are attracted to independent types or so I've noticed. Be happy within your own skin. Exude self confidence and strength. When you do this, you won't find the need to glom onto others. They'll come to you while you won't even have to try to be well liked. Nothing is more attractive than you oozing toughness, 😉self confidence and security. Change your mindset and behavior. You'll become your own best friend. Everything else is gravy after that. 🙂 👍

He's huge red flags all over the place and he's very mentally sick. ☹️ He gravitates towards violence, gory scenes, cruelty and gets angry easily. He's one sick dude. You need to dump him. Make him your ex-boyfriend.

No contact, no response, no reply, no replies, ignoring, ghosting and permanently severing ties requires no translation nor explanations whatsoever. Actions speak louder than words. Let your non-action and indifference do all the talking for you. It's what I do. The other party gets the message right away.

It sounds like your bf lied to you instead of gaslighting you. There is a difference between lying and gaslighting. Lying is not telling the truth, concealing and deceiving you. Gaslighting is deflecting, deliberately throwing you off track, constantly changing the subject, forcing you to question your perception of the facts, confusing you as if your memory was always incorrect and forcing you to defend yourself. Perpetrators endlessly manipulate the conversation and narrative to their favor. It's psychological warfare at its ugliest. 😡

Yes, you did the right thing by ending it. It was a toxic environment for you and very mentally unhealthy. It was too stressful.