Tinydance

But he is allowed to do therapy. Anyone is allowed to do therapy. He doesn't need his girlfriend's permission. She has a right to have a concern, but what is the concern ABOUT? That women *can* be catty, that she doesn't know this therapist? The concern has to be about something and not just "it's a woman." If she feels jealous that's fine but she doesn't need to act on it. Jealousy is mostly not good and that's why it's called the green eyed monster. Sorry but why should he change his individual therapy to couples therapy with her? Just to placate her and prove the therapist isn't catty or he's not sleeping with her? He's not allowed to do individual therapy because...why? Let's say if my partner gets a new boss at work and the boss is female. It's OK if I feel jealous but it's not OK to tell my partner to quit his job. Is it OK if I tell my partner he needs to quit because since the boss is female, she *could* be catty. And since she's female, he *could* have an affair with her. When in reality I have no idea who this female boss is, what she's like, or anything about her. Also if he wants to do therapy and not yoga - it's his choice. Same as if she wants to do salsa classes but not join a book club. Going to therapy isn't an issue so why does he need to change anything. I'm not saying he's right or a victim just because he wants to do therapy. I'm saying doing therapy is normal and his right to do so. So if she has a problem with it that's her issue. For example I hate sport, always have. If my partner wants to play sport and I don't like it, is that his problem or mine? He's allowed to play sport if it's what he wants, it's a normal thing to do. If I don't like it I would need to be with someone else who doesn't want to play sport.

I agree if the therapist seemed inappropriate or unprofessional in any way then that's different. I was getting the impression from OP's post that right from the start she didn't want him to go to therapy and she also didn't want the therapist to be female. I didn't see anything written in the post that the therapist had actually done anything wrong. In my opinion your partner also doesn't have a right to ask what you talked about in therapy. The whole point of therapy is it's meant to be confidential. If your partner required you to tell them everything you said in therapy every single time, it completely defeats the purpose. Therapy is meant to be a confidential and safe space. It’s absurd that his girlfriend basically demands and forces him to tell her what he discusses in therapy and gets angry if he doesn't tell her. She has no right to know what is being discussed unless he's threatening to harm himself or other people.

I also want to add that OP said right from the start that girlfriend wasn't happy with him doing therapy. And she basically said that she didn't like that it was a woman. So at that stage she didn't know anything about this therapist, who she was, whether she was catty or b*tch. She had no idea. So to me this really seems like some kind of control or jealousy issue that was there to begin with. I also think that jealousy is a natural feeling and we all experience it. It's probably also OK to say you feel jealous but you need to work on it. In life we're always surrounded by people of the opposite gender. So we just need to trust our partner that they won't do anything instead of trying to control their life.

Sure, women *can* be catty. Men *can* be macho alpha. However, not all are. So to say "get a male therapist because women can be catty" when she doesn't even know the therapist is just projection and stereotyping.

Sorry I'm really just confused by what you're saying. If someone isn't happy with their partners actions, there needs to be good reason for it, no? When we talk about people being controlling, it isn't your normal, socially acceptable behaviour. For example, let's say my partner's phone rings at 2:00 a.m. and it's an unknown woman calling. I'd have a right to question who is it and why is she calling. But if let's say my partner's female boss calls during the day and asks can he please fill in for someone at work tomorrow. And I get jealous and I'm like: "Why is your female boss calling you, are you having an affair??! Let me go through your phone." We call someone possessive or controlling only when that behaviour is out of the norm for the situation. In my opinion here OP's girlfriend isn't actually reacting normally to him seeing a therapist. Therefore I don't think it's the same to say "she's not happy" with something he's doing and that he's "putting seeing the therapist above his girlfriend's feelings." If he was hanging out with another female he met at a party then yes you could say he's putting that female above his girlfriend. Here it's not a competition as the therapist is nobody to him, she's a professional and she’s not in his life. I feel like what you're saying is "pick your battles" and think about is it worth it to see the therapist over your girlfriend's feelings. That doesn't really make sense because the girlfriend's reactions aren't normal or valid. So why should he validate them? And this is exactly what being in a controlling or abusive relationship is - obeying and placating your partner even though they're not reasonable.

Why is it actually a concern to her that you're seeing a therapist? Like, what's the problem?

Sorry but I respectfully disagree with your post. You said that if someone is easily influenced or suggestible, that the therapist could influence someone to break up with their partner. I've seen different therapists and in my experience they usually only go off what you tell them yourself. I very highly doubt that a therapist would tell someone to break up with their partner for basically no reason. Therapists don't usually tell clients what to do. But even if they did, it would be because the client themselves indicated they're unhappy with their partner. It never makes sense to me when people blame the therapist. Nobody can make anyone do something they don't want to do. Also often people actually want the therapist to validate what they already feel anyway. E.g. They say they're unhappy with their partner, therapist agrees and they break up because that's what they want to do to begin with. I don't think your analogy is the same that a therapist comes in and "your partner is crying on their shoulder." This isn't someone they met in a bar. It's a medically trained professional who has a client/therapist relationship with them. Therapy isn't crying on someone's shoulder but it's working on your issues with a professional with a degree and training to help you work on them. So it's really different to crying on a friend's shoulder. Above all the therapist actually gets paid a lot of money for it. They are essentially a stranger providing a service to you the same as a shop assistant would. They aren't in your life. Unless you're having an affair with your therapist, you don't actually talk to them or see them outside of therapy. And you basically don't know anything about them either except what they choose to put on Google. I don't think that couples only should work on issues together and that's all. Of course they should do that but there is nothing wrong with wanting to speak to a therapist either. Someone has the right to do therapy and their partner should be supportive about it. The partner doesn't need to know what is said in therapy. I did therapy and so did my partners and we didn't ask each other what was being said in the sessions.

Dude, there are some very serious red flags here. I'm really surprised that you still don't quite see it. Even after basically every poster here said that this is not normal. Number one, it's literally not any of your girlfriend's business if and why you go to therapy. It's also none of her business what you talk about in therapy. You should be allowed to talk about whatever you want in therapy. She has no right either to know or to have any control what you're talking about in therapy. You having a female therapist is very different to you having a female friend. Your therapist isn't even actually in your life and you don't speak to her or see her outside of the therapy sessions. You have a client/therapist relationship, this is her job. It's no different to someone having an opposite gender boss at work. The relationship is (or should be anyway) professional. If your girlfriend is jealous of your therapist, this is 100% HER problem. You have zero obligation to tell her what you say in therapy or to defend yourself in any way. Also she doesn't even know your therapist so calling her the "b" word is just her being jealous and possessive. By the way, being controlling and possessive isn't normal. It's not a cute, sweet thing as for some reason you seem to be really minimising it. Please wake up because your girlfriend's behaviours aren't normal.

Well first of all, I understand you want your son to get along with his Grandmother. But he's 29 so I don't think you can really control how he's behaving or what he's doing. I'm sure he knew that the polite thing to do was to say thank you for the cheque but he just didn't want to do that. It's a bit different to saying to a small child: "Say thank you" as opposed to a 29-year-old man. I think at the end of the day it doesn't matter what we think or you think because he's an adult and acting according to what he thinks. To be honest I can see both sides of the story. I think that if his Grandmother agreed to take care of the cats, then she agreed to take on that responsibility. It's not good to leave the cats to themselves for most of the time, as they could have even died of dehydration. So I understand why your son was concerned there. I imagine she said no to taking care of the cats as she actually does find it difficult (for whatever reason). I'm sorry but when you get pets or have kids, you can't think that anyone OWES you to look after them. When you have them, they are YOUR responsibility. People don't HAVE to look after them, they don't have an obligation to do this. They can say yes or no and they are allowed to say no. Also was your son only taking his Grandmother out for sushi to get favours from her? I'm sure he wasn't but all I'm saying is, you don't do nice things to get something for it. For example, if I buy my friend a coffee, I can't be like: "You need to give me a lift because I bought you a coffee." I would be buying the coffee just to be nice and it's altruistic. Your son's Grandmother didn't do anything wrong because she said "no" to watching the cats. It wasn't like she said yes but then left them to die. Your son is allowed to ask for a favour but equally she's allowed to decline. She did send him money and he just ignored her. Yes it is entitled because he was angry at her for something she doesn't HAVE to actually do.

I do think she's using you because she asks for money and you send it to her regularly. So I agree with you there that she's taking advantage of you financially. You keep using the term "exclusive relationship" but you are not actually acting like you are in one. Exclusive relationship means you don't talk to other people on dating apps. I'm not saying she's not in the wrong because she's talking to John but you're doing exactly the same thing. You can't have a one sided "exclusive relationship" if you're on dating apps and talking to other women but she's supposed to be committed only to you. That's double standards. It doesn't matter if you only talked to those women. Maybe she only "talked" to John but you aren't OK with it. I think if you want to continue talking to other women then keep this relationship casual. Meaning you see each other when you go to her country but otherwise you can both talk to and date others.

Well if I'm going to be honest, I think this whole situation doesn't sound good. For one thing I'm sorry but the age gap probably is too big. Maybe if she was like 25 - 30 it might be not as bad, but she's a teenager. You are in your mid - late 30's. She was probably still in high school when you started talking. I'm not sure what you're looking for from a relationship but at 19 I would be surprised if she was looking for something serious. I don't know if you got involved with a teenager because you'd never been in a relationship and felt you were with someone also not as experienced? Due to her age. You're saying you're in an exclusive relationship but how can you really be in a relationship if she lives in another country? Are you fine with having a relationship where you only saw each other for six months in two years? Also you don't seem to have a plan of whether she'll move to your country or you'll move to her. Usually if one person doesn't move it will just end eventually. How were you getting messages from girls? Were you using dating apps? I don't think you can say you're in an exclusive relationship if you're talking to other women as well. Exclusive means you wouldn't speak to anyone else. So if you can talk to other women then she can talk to "John". I mean she's no angel either and she probably is using you. But I'm just saying you're talking to other women but you say she can't talk to other guys.

I just wanted to add that I think it's OK to change your mind about what to do in life. There are definitely plenty of people who studied a degree and didn't finish it. Also people who even got into a career and decided it wasn't for them. My belief is if you don't enjoy something, you don't have to force yourself to do it (in most cases). However you can't just say that because you changed your mind that now you have no other options and can do nothing. I sympathise with this man because he's clearly depressed and struggling. I don't feel sorry for him in terms of his life choices though. What bugs me is he seems to tell his life story like it's all someone else's fault. Specifically his parents' fault. They paid for his university degree so it's not like he has debt or had to pay off student loans. If he didn't want to be a pharmacist that's fine..But why blame his parents for it? He decided not to sit the exam so that was his choice. I don't know exactly how his mother threw out his gym equipment. But if he wasn't successful on Tik Tok or getting a job at the gym I don't think it was her fault. If he was doing really well on Tik Tok he could have afforded to move out and not live with his parents at all. And to buy new training equipment. Obviously he wasn't successful or made any money on social media. He wasn't kicked out but chose to leave and sleep in his car because he was angry at his mother. Again not the parents' fault because they didn't tell him to go and do that. It's totally fine to admit you're struggling. But blaming the way your life is turning out on family when you're in your 30's just isn't plausible. Also he doesn't come from a poor family because his parents could afford to pay for his college. They got him a degree and even if he doesn't want to use it but he was lucky. There are some people who could never afford to go to college to begin with.

Yes he is and he does need to get help of course. But it just doesn't seem that he actually wants to. OP said he becomes defensive if she brings it up and she feels she's walking on eggshells. She's being really supportive both emotionally and also financially. It doesn't sound like he's grateful which could be the depression. But that doesn't really change the fact that this relationship is very one sided. The relationship they have is that of a welfare worker and client and not of adults. And it seems he blamed his parents' divorce that he didn't become a pharmacist. The pharmacy degree was already paid by his parents and he finished it. He just needed to sit an exam which he chose not to. I don't see what this has anything to do with the divorce? Especially as he was in his 30's when they divorced. Very far from being a child. I don't really see why we should feel sorry for someone who's blaming others for their own decisions.

I'm sorry but we actually don't know what culture he comes from so that's why I wanted to clarify. I don't understand what choices he made that need to be respected? He's not wanting to actually do any work that can make money so is that respectful?

I think I just need some more background information. You live in the US, right? As you mentioned about needing to have medical insurance. We don't need it here in Australia as basically all/most medical treatment is paid by the government (Medicare) except weirdly not dental work. You mentioned you're from another background where it's customary to live with your parents until marriage. Is he also from the same background? Or is he of Western background? I just want to draw attention to what you've been saying about him, where it seems his mother/parents are being blamed for his life situation. I think you really need to see that you can't just blame his parents. Especially if he's from Western background. I don't think it's considered normal in Western culture or even many other cultures that his life was being completely dictated by his parents. Unless he's making it seem that way when that's not the full story. I don't understand how his mother can just throw out his training equipment like a treadmill or other machines because they're really heavy. It's not like she can just pick it up and throw it in the garbage. Exactly how did she "throw out" all his training equipment? I'm sorry but this story seems a bit suspicious to me. Also, if he's an experienced gym trainer then couldn't he just get a job at a gym? How is it an excuse that he doesn't have his own training equipment when gyms are always looking for trainers to work at their gym? Doesn't make sense. Also pharmacy or gym aren't the only jobs that exist. I'm sure there are many other jobs that don't require a qualification that he could apply for. Supermarket, waiter, cleaner, Uber, call centre, administration. I'm sorry but I think as Andrina said, you are not seeing things very clearly. He's struggling because for some reason he doesn't actually want to get jobs which can actually pay money and only wants to do his "dream" jobs. I'm sure everyone would love to have their dream job, for example I'd love to be a movie actress. But life is reality and if you actually want to survive and make money then you need to do what needs to be done. If the food truck isn't making money then he needs to look at something else. You can't blame his parents because at the end of the day they actually were encouraging him to make something of himself. They paid for his pharmacy degree and encouraged him to get into that profession. If he left his parents' home and slept in his car, that's what he wanted. You actually said he left by his own wishes, he wasn't kicked out. I think your boyfriend definitely needs mental health help. But HE has to get it himself. If he's just avoiding it and getting defensive when you mention it then what can you do? He's a 35-year-old man and he needs to look after his own life. If he doesn't want to be a pharmacist then he needs to think of other options. Apply to work at a gym or wherever else so he can actually afford to live and not sleep in his car. It's really not your job and not even his parents' job to sort out his life for him. He is in his MID 30's. He's not far off being 40. He's not a teenager who can't stand on his own two feet.