Dont Look Away

It's all done now. The divorce was final yesterday.... Thanks for the thoughts and the words!!! The court appearance was noneventful I guess is the best way to put it. It was done in about 15 minutes. We sat next to each other as the judge went through everything. Done deal. We walked outside the court and talked about a few financial issues. As we were walking toward my truck I told her that I wouldn't trade what we had for anything in the world, the good and the bad. I got in my truck and she walked away. Sorta like a heartwrenching TV drama playing out infront of your eyes. I really didn't have a sick feeling but I was sad for sure. I drove to the pier on the edge of town. It was raining and cold out. I walked out to the end of the peer, took a few deep breaths and cried for a couple of minutes. After that I looked up into the rain and the clouds and told myself that this chapter is closed and she is gone, we are done. As I was driving home I didn't really feel anything..... I know I will always love her and am still totally attracted to her. I know in time the attraction will wither and the love I have will shift. In time... Life does go one......it can change so quickly too!!!!

An update….. My STBX has began the process of moving. Even though we haven't filed for the D she has borrowed some money and is renting a house in another town. I know this is for the best but it is not very easy right now. Our paperwork to file should be ready next week in the middle of the week (again)…..at least that is what we have been told. Last night things really hit home because the house was quiet and more reality was setting in. I'm hoping things will get better but man this is tough. She seems so…okay….with everything. I guess she is because it's her decision for the D. I should let things go but in my head I keep dwelling on her being with someone else and what my upcoming devastated financial situation will be for several years to come. I really try to focus on positives like being with my kiddos when I can but the negatives are what's keeping me up at night. I just keep thinking that the punishment doesn't fit the crime….she is the judge and jury though…. It's been about 2 months since she dropped the bomb and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I'm going to a "going away" party for a co-worker tonight.....hopefully that will help....

Yes we will....especially when asked in a leading seductive way... No demands, just say "honey this is what I am going to do to you in a few days (use your imagination here) and I want you to save it all for me!!!"...

Your issues with the situation are valid. The fact that his actions are detracting from your intimate relationship is problem enough. Are you really able to sit down and talk seriously about the issues? Ask him if there is something more that the two of you can do together that would subdue some of his curiosity on the PC and with the viewing of porn? If he truly wants to remain with you he will have to meet you in the middle. You don't sound like a prude at all. You don't disapprove of his masturbation but don't like the fact that it is taking away from the two of you. His reaction to noticing magazines and other women needs to be adjusted also. Yes as guys, we do notice the hot women on the covers and the sexy hotties walking down the street. Notice is the key word!! Out of respect for our partner we don't have to break our necks. This is a habit he has gotten into and he will have to work at it to stop. Been there myself. You sound flexible enough and are telling him what your boundaries are. The issues of viewing on the computer is a habit that is gotten into easily. I used to check the stuff out all the time merely for the shock value of some of it. Why not pull up some sites on KAMA SUTRA and ask him to check it out with you and then you guys pratice it.... 8) That may change his interest in the other stuff. Just a guys humble ramblings here.... 8)

Dark Blue hit the timeline about right for guys. I know the longer I wait the more intense it will be but after about 5 days the trigger gets really sensitive... 8) It's fun to wait when you have that special someone to share the intensity with but if it's all you, heck why wait.....do it when you feel like it!!!!

Some serious phone tag going here.... Any info you can give us on leading up to doing the do? Was it good? Must have been, you called him back or either you wanted to say thanks for a good time but we can't do this again. You made last contact and sounds like he may be busy. The ball is in his court. He will call......give him a little time and let him think.

I can see how you wouldn't want to be in that situation. How about telling your GF that you will go but only if you pick the place. Go somewhere that you more than likely won't run into friends of the X. If she can't go for that then I don't blame you for not wanting to go. No matter where you go you will get hit on. If you are in a neutral environment you may even wind up having a decent conversation or at least you can tell them no thanks, get lost or whatever and not have to worry about someone's interpretation of you action's.....

You say that you love him but are not in love with him......the rest of this post may be irrelevant but here goes..... It's great that you two are able to work toward counseling and are at least not to the point of no return. If you both can go in with an open mind and heart you can recover.......rooting for you here!!! It appears that the issues around him being desensitized by porn (so to speak) are bothering you. A way you can test to see if he is breaking the habit is for you to alter the way you are with him and see if he responds. Break the routine of waiting until crawling into bed late at night and expecting a session from a romance novel. Experiment with wispering in his ear of little sensual comments that you want to do to him during the day. Send him a teasing email or leave him a sexy voice message. To break the desire for him to want to watch porn, set up some candles in the bedroom, undress for him, undress him, give him a massage, tease him, tease him and tease him some more!! My STBX would do this once or twice a year and it would drive me totally crazy.............couldn't wait to get home to her Also on occasion offer to watch a video with him. Tell him you don't want to make a habit of it but on occasion would be fine...(if you are okay with that) The way he acts with other women and his past actions are not right but since you seem to be willing to work through that and maybe spice things up at home it may turn for the positive. If after you do all of this and he still prefers to gawk at the porn (alone)and spend all of his time on the computer..........a change for you may be what is needed...

We are still waiting on paperwork to file for the D, probably be middle of next week and then we can file. The daily emotions are unbelievable!!! Some days are great and then wham!!, a couple of days of horror!! ... My STBX hasn't moved out yet and I still see her every evening. I am still totally attracted to her even though I feel that she can't stand me. We are cordial most days and coexist. The benefit is that I see the kids every day the downside is I feel like I'm lusting over some stranger. I am near her, want her, think of her but can't touch her or connect with her in any way!!! I'm hoping when she does finally move out it will help......

It would be a good idea for you two to sit down and discuss what is going on. He is not being fair to you in comparing you to his ex... You will need to be understanding of his emotional swings toward his past realtionship and decide if you truly want to make of go it with him. It is a tough time for him but he needs to realize that he has to suck it up and start moving forward. What better way than to be in an exciting new realtionship with someone new. If he is not ready to do that......R U?

A loaded question here no pun intended Prior to the bomb being dropped, about 3 to 4 times a week. Usually once a week was a super quality session and the others where escaping for a quickie from the kids.... W-32 Me-37 Preference for me..... "as much as possible!!!"

Older can be a relative term. What would you consider older? 30, 40, 50, 60.... 8)

Gotta be careful about the home equipment though.....they make great clothes hangers...not to mention costly If you have the dedication that's fine. I have to have the atmosphere to work out. If I try to at home my TV, videogames and beer get in the way 8)

Great information from RayKay.. I found that going to the gym was a little intimidating at first. If it is the first time for you to work out definitely utilize a trainer to help get you in the swing of things. Also if there is a small gym in your area you may feel more comfortable starting there than one of the giant chains that has hundreds of pieces of equipment. There is a wealth of information out there in mags, internet and such. The first couple of weeks will be tough. Once you get past being sore will start to feel guilty if you miss your workout day at the gym. Everyone is different but it took me about 3 months before I really started seeing some gains. I do all of my working out for me but it is nice when someone that hasn't seen you for a while compliments you on your efforts. It's a great confidence builder, you will feel much better. Oh yeah, try not to stare to hard at the hotties that are working out and DON"T get caught up into checking yourself out in the mirros. You see guys that do this and it is prtty pathetic. Use the mirrors to monitor your form but do all you flexing at home....

The last few days have been really bumpy. I got home in the afternoon a couple of days ago and I could sense that my W was upset. There were a couple of things that happened during the day and she was unable to get in touch with me (I forgot my cell at home). When I asked her about what happened she gave me a very sharp and pointed response. I then asked if she was okay. She told me very bluntly that she had a really sh!tty day and would not even look at me when making the statement. I proceeded to go about my evening with the kids in a fairly upbeat mode. I made it a point to just hang out with the kids in their rooms and give her space. The next day she sent me an email asking a couple of generic questions about some jobs she was applying for and I responded but included a question in the email that I should have left out. I asked her if there was any remote chance that we could steer us in an alternative direction away from the D and that a simple no response would be fine. I received a very lengthy and scathing email reply that basically reiterated everything she has said over the past few weeks and adamantly stating that I just don't get it!! She said that I have told her I realize my actions were wrong but she told me that I don't accept or understand them as being wrong and I think that I am the victim. I responded to several of the items by email and she followed with another flamer. I finally picked up the phone instead of responding with email and was able to calmly talk to her about some of the verbiage in the email. I definitely won't respond in email anymore. Loses all of the context and positive interjection that may be on the words. She also told me she will be moving out soon since I have been avoiding her for the last couple of days. I said that it wasn't necessary to move I had only sensed she was angry and wanted to give her some space. She also said that with my attitude that I didn't seem to care what actually happened. I told her that I do care or I wouldn't be asking if there is a chance left to work on things. She thinks I have alterior motives and she says she can see through the nice guy act. She says she is waiting any day for the supera@@hole to start shining through. I simply told her if that was the approach I was going to take I would already be doing it. I guess I blew it big time…… …….today is another day. Part of me will be glad when she moves but a larger part of me hopes she doesn't.