ShySoul

Glad your giving it another try. Your message was clear and fair. Hope it works out for you. Your situation, while understandable, was also bound to lead to some confusion and issues. You are each other's first option. You're more then just a casual date, but not an actual relationship? At a certain point you were going to need to have a talk and work this out. It's not sustainable to be in such an uncertain place. Eventually both of you need to decide if being together is what you really want. She needs to be willing to open herself and be vulnerable or she will risk losing everything. And you need to figure out how close you can actually be with her before you need real commitment. I also see a possibility that she pulled back not because of your acts, but because she was scared by her acts. She said she didn't want to have a serious relationship. And yet, she slept with you. Maybe she felt she was getting to close, having serious feelings she didn't think she was ready to face. She also pulled back after kissing the other guy, so pulling back might be a natural defense for her. Regardless of her reason, it is best to handle things gently and with compassion. You care about each other, so be fair and understanding. Work together. Neither of you want to hurt the other, so approach with love.

In my estimation phone is always better. Actually talking to a person leaves a better impression and gives more opportunity to actually connect with the person. Plus you can try to get a clear answer right there, setting a time that works for both of you. Text leaves more room to ignore it or delay. Maybe when you ask be a little more specific? State a day rather then living it open ended. And if she can't make that day, ask her what day works for her. Goal is to get something decided rather then continue to dance around the topic. Just me, but if I know we would have a great time, I would keep trying. I believe I did once. It took a few attempts to get things worked out, but we did end up having a great time and several more great times over the next few months.

Precisely. Thank you, now I feel short. Couldn't you have left me to think 5'8'' was average? 😉 Actually, it's all relative. That might be short to some women, but when the woman you like is just over 5ft, it actually works out perfectly. Otherwise she might strain her neck from having to look so far up.

Love finds you when you aren't looking for it. I used to worry about the same thing. I couldn't approach a woman. If it was someone I knew and liked, I would freeze and not be able to say anything. I wouldn't even talk to friends about relationships, forget about having them help me. And it got me down. Then I simply stopped trying or caring. I focused on being happy with myself. I did what I wanted, what I enjoyed. I recognized my strengths and tried to stay positive about myself. I figured something would happen one day, when it was suppose to. There was no point in stressing myself out over it or trying to force something to happen. That had only lead me to feel worse and alone. Instead, I was going to enjoy the benefits of being single and be content just be my real, authentic self. It wasn't long after that women did start noticing. They actually approached me first. I didn't have my picture online, but they messaged me. I didn't try to impress them, I was just me. By having confidence in myself and being happy with who I was it allowed all my good qualities - my conpassion, sincerity, intellect, humor, etc. - to shine through. It's that what attracted them. So just be you. Believe in yourself. Be happy doing what you love. When the time is right, everything else will fall into place. And when it does, embrace it. As a friend once told me: Life is 49% fate, 51% you. Life presents the doorways, you choose to walk through.

The only person who knows for sure what is going on with her is her. Anything you think or we come up with is speculation that might be compleltely off base. Maybe she has lost interest. Maybe she's had something stressful come up that has been distracting her. It could be anything. The only way to find out is to talk with her and clarify exactly where you stand and what you both want out of the relationship. If you do have such great chemisty and connect intellectually, then you should be able to talk through wahtever is happening. You seem to care about her, so why would you ghost her? Her not responding is hurting you. Wouldn't it follow that you doing the same thing would just end up hurting her? Why would you want to intentionally choose to do that? Talking with her could show it was a misunderstanding or that she had a valid reason for not being available. You could resolve it and go right back to things being great again. Or you realize you need a break from things. Either way, wouldn't you like to know for sure? Wouldn't you like to have a chance at making it work? Or do you just want to give up and always have the lingering doubt in your mind of what happened?

Get up early and carve out time at the beginning of the day if possible. Before the crazy schedule of the day gets going, spend a half hour for you. Read, savour the morning coffee, whatever relaxes you and puts you in a good mood. Alternatively, block out time at the end of the day. Devote an hour to your favorite show, a game, anything that relaxes and helps you decompass from the stress you've endured that day. It could be any time, what's important is consistancy. It gives you something to look forward to and lets you burn off the stress and bad energy before it accumlates into something that drags you down. And really, taking those fifteen minute breaks are a lifesaver. It lets you recharge and refocus. Take those whenever you get the chance. If you want something a little larger in scale, plan for it. School classes have to end some time. Work gives us vacation days for a reason. Find a time that fits or look for an activity you really want to do that would make you happy, and do it. Have a family member or friend take over the care giving for a day or two. They should be understanding that you need a break. You can't give good care for others if you are depleted yourself, so take a day off occasionally. You won't regret it.

And that's why I make sure to have backups. Actually printing documents might be old fashioned, but I'll still have them when a computer glitch wipes everything else out or makes it inaccessible.

What caused you to move from New Orleans in the first place? You mentioned the stress and trauma of living in the city. If you did move back, would you just be returning to that same stress? Or do you think you've managed to heal enough that you could handle being there? Don't make the error of trading one stress for another thinking the grass is greener on the other side. Moving is always a life altering chocie. There are risks and you can't tell how it will turn out. But there is also the hope things will be better, provide you a fresh start. Figure out what you want in life. What will truely make you happy? What will reduce the stress and make you excited about facing each day? Then compare the places and see where is most likely to give you those results. And remember, it's not a binary choice either. If your looking for work, see if there is an opening somewhere else that might interest you. You can go anywhere. The important thing is to follow your heart and do what makes you feel best. Personally, a would get as far away from the dysfunctional family as possible. 😉

She wouldn't fit the sterotype of attractive but that doesn't seem to matter to you. You like her for her and think she's perfect just as she is. That's most likely how she feels about you, no matter what you look like. Relax, don't worry, and just enjoy.

These are the qualities that make a relationship last and worth keeping. Finding that connection is rare. If you give this up now, how confident are you that you can find someone else who would fit all the criteria you've listed? The issues you've listed are reasonable concerns, but ones I believe can be worked out if both parties are willing to put in the time and effort to address it. They don't have to be deal breakers. Plenty of couples deal with gaps in salary, even with the woman making more. As long as you have enough to support yourself, money shouldn't be the deciding factor of a relationship. It's more important that each person is happy in their job and doing what they love. That's better then putting the focus on paychecks and bank accounts and growing to resent each other because of it. You are also not your parents. This is not your parents relationship. It is about what you and him want from the relationship, no one else. Yes, you might not align in some matters. No couples ever align perfectly. But couples work together and compromise. There will be troubles, but you can work through them when they come. Do you want to end things now over potential problems that haven't happened yet? Long distance relationships can work out. I've known married couples who have lived in different states for an extended period of time. They found a way to stay together. The thing with long term thinkers is that they are willing to wait the long term. He is probably perfectly fine waiting as long as you need to figure out what you want. He is probably also fine with making decisions and leading at times. No one has to lead in a relationship, it can be 50/50. You can take the lead in some cases and he can pick up the lead in others. It all depends on your relationship and what you work out together. In the end, don't overthink it. Follow your heart. Do you want to be with this person? Do you love them? If so, stay together. You will find a way to handle anything that comes up. If your heart isn't in it, then don't be together. Everything else is a distraction. Just go with what you feel inside is right for you.

She said she wanted to work on her mental health. Perhaps this is part of that? She's trying to push herself out there and stay active, being more social. She's trying to beak out of the rut and do different things. It could be a postive sign that she is focused on getting better and being okay with herself again. And if it's of the children, perhaps it's simply a mother boasting about her little ones? Alternatively, it could be a way to mask her feelings. For some people posting on social media is a way to convince others, and even themselves, that they are happy and everything is perfect. If her life is so happy and wonderful, then she can't be depressed. But the face a person projects to the public, isn't always what they are feeling inside. The only person who knows for sure is her. Try not to read into anything, that will only cause you more doubt and confusion. Let her take care of herself. Focus on being okay yourself. Focus on being a good parent to the children. And focus on being friendly and civil with her.

People are more then just brains and bodies. Be the heart that cares for her. Be the kind words that cheer her up when she's down. Be the voice of encouragement and support. Be the one who makes her smile and laugh. Be the person who shares special and fun moments with her, who goes places with her. Be the one who shows her love and respect. I can say from experience that once you stimulate the mind and heart, the body will follow. Focus on treating her right and having that emotional bond, and the physical stuff will take care of itself. Don't listen to that negative voice. You have a lot to offer. She's been dating you for three months, not a specific part of your anatomy. She must see something within you that she likes or she wouldn't still be seeing you. So believe in yourself just as she does.

There is a difference between fantasy and reality. Thinking something does not mean you are actually going to do it. Given that you are too worried to even flirt with women, I'm thinking it's highly unlikely you would turn that fantasy into reality. You've also seen first hand the impact such an act can have on a women, so you really aren't likely to do it. I don't think repressing something is the best strategy. When you repress you are just holding it down, not actually dealing with it. Eventually it will come back. The key is to figure out why you have the fantasy in the first place. Rape tends to be about power. In your case, I don't think it's physical power or any kind of issue with your mental state. I think you feel a lack of confidence and control in your life. You repeatedly put yourself down, think no girl could like you. So in your fantasy you go the opposite way. You have the control, you have the power. It's an outlet for the fustrations you feel from your everyday life. But because you know how damaging the real act is, you feel guilty over it. So it's a tug of war going on inside you. Focus on your own self esteem. Build confidence with yourself by concentrating on your strengths and things you are good at. That will help you in general. And know there are women who have those fantasies to. It doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong with them either. As long as it stays a fantasy or a consensual, safe roleplay, then it's just a kink a person is into. It's when it becomes a real, non consensual act that it turns into the deplorable thing that it is.

You "owe" her the same thing anyone is owed - honesty and respect. If you have concerns, then you need to talk about it with her. Not talking will just continue things as they are until one of you finally snaps and says or does something they might regret. So do the mature thing and talk it out. People rarely change, and when you care for someone you shouldn't want them to change who they are. But you can compromise. There are probably things in your behavior that she might be able to point out Relationships require both parties to work together and be willing to look at themselves and how they can improve things. Only in working together can you potentially addresses these concerns. And if she is unwilling to cooperate, then you will have known you tried and can be honest about it not working out. You won't have to feel like you are wasting her time, as it will be clear this isn't working.

They were already separated for three years, so you did not come between them or cause any of their problems. I knew a woman who got with a man just as he was starting to get a divorce and almost instantly got engaged to him. That was a homewrecker. You are a women who got mixed up with an already broken situation that had been going on for a long time. The issue her is actually with the ex. She has not been able to move on and thus lashed out at the easiest target when it became apparent that he had. Unfortunately, that target was you. Don't be too hard on yourself. Something better is out there. And when the right thing comes along, you won't have to question or need proof on every little thing. You will know.