lostandhurt

Single Guy, Instead of trying to think this all out and all the possibilities why not just ask her out on a date and see how things go. As of right now most of this is in your head/heart not in real life. I wouldn't tell her how I feel just yet, ask her out on a proper date and if she accepts enjoy yourself, get to know each other and see how you feel after. If you really like her and enjoy her company then ask her out again and so on. Far to many of us want to know how it will all play out or have imagined how it all will go in our heads way before the first or second date which put way to many expectations on something that should be spontaneous and fun. Putting the cart before the horse as it were. The age thing is another reason to ask her out on a date if nothing else to alleviate your own misgivings on what others might think. Once you are out with her I think all that will fade away. Let us know how it goes Lost

A buddy of mine dated a woman like this. It was like she didn't know how to be treated well but complained about all the jerks she had dated in the past and punished him for their behavior. He is a good guy but she kept doing things that made it impossible to be with her. She was a hot mess and yes unstable. This happens and you will meet other women like this unfortunately. The thing is you cannot punish others for what someone else did to you. Keep an open mind, offer medium trust and let it build from there but don't change who you are because of her. She wants to hurt you but what she is actually doing is showing you that you made the right choice. You are young but are already learning a lot and making pretty good choices. Sure it may have been a mistake to even start this roller coaster ride but in time you will see them more clearly up front. Don't feel bad about any of this, guys have been making this mistake since the dawn of time and will keep making it. We think with our eyes instead of our minds... Lost

Excellent advice.

Many times on this forum we read threads like yours where some of us read through the words waiting for the shoe to drop that they had "met someone" and now are rethinking their marriage/relationship. In your case I am sure it showed you that you can be happy and feel good about yourself but the emotional affair did not bring on the demise of your marriage. I agree with bluecastle (like usual) that couples therapy is a great idea and who knows may wake your husband up to what he is putting you through. Many times I see people offer the advice to dump them/divorce them which is easy to say but in reality is much harder to do emotionally. You are married and have a child together and even though it doesn't feel like it now were once in love and happy. Therapy can help you both come to terms with the end of the marriage if it comes to that and it will help you not have any regrets once the choice is made one way or another. People can change if they accept what they are and want to change. Your husband could become a great guy but unfortunately that kind of change only happens after someone loses everything. There is no rush but you need to start moving in the direction of some sort of resolution. Simply enduring this for your daughter is not a solution and is in fact showing her this is what a relationship is like and she will imprint on it. Keep posting it will help as you write it all out. Lost

So you have your own house that you have been fixing up, live near your parents and seem to have your stuff together. Why is he wanting you to give all that up because he wants to "experience" a new city? Like you said he doesn't have to move, he wants to. When was the discussion about what you want? I get the feeling this is about more than an engagement ring. Also long engagements are not a bad idea. Just because he proposes doesn't mean you get married right away does it? Lost

You tried counseling and didn't get far probably because of his internal anger at what sounds like everything around him. He is angry all the time for some reason. Couples counseling will do nothing until he seeks out a therapist to help him deal with his embedded anger. I have seen this with friends that were once happy go lucky and a joy to be around then they fell into the negative drumbeat of politics and became mad at virtually everything. Their health went downhill, they got mad easily, they were no longer a joy to be around and like you it was very hard to have a conversation because it turned into them being angry about something....anything. It was almost like they wanted to be angry. You are reaching the end of your rope and your husband is not listening so I have an idea that will do two things. Write him a heartfelt letter. An actual hand written letter and pour your fears and worries into it about all of this and how you don't see OUR marriage surviving if he doesn't seek help with the anger That Has Taken Over His Life. Don't threaten divorce, just phrase it like you don't want our marriage to end because of all this anger. The first thing this does it allows you the release of all this that you cannot say in person because he blows up. The second thing is he sees your words written to him and can read them over and over again which makes it very real and unavoidable. He definitely has something eating at him or has built up within him over the years to the point it has affected everything in his life. Marriage, work, family and his health. There comes a point where you run out of the will to try any longer so lay it all out on the table and he will show you if he wants to save the marriage or not. Ultimately he will decide by his actions or inaction. Keep posting it helps Lost

Oh he can control it but non of us knows if this was a stupid mistake that he will never do again or if he acts like this all the time. You were on the date not any of us so for anyone to state who he is or how he thinks is just silly. He did it, saw he made a huge mistake and apologized. That is what we all know nothing more other than the date was going well up to that point. If you don't want to see him again for any reason or no reason that is totally your call. You don't need any of us to tell you what he did was in very poor taste and disrespectful. I am curious what happened after the date was over. Did he ask you out again? Text you? Lost

She knows you can't do Friday so perhaps that is why she chose that day. If you want send her a text. Hi ____________, if your schedule frees up Wednesdays or Thursdays work best for me for a date. Then leave it and see what she does. If you don't hear back very soon after that text one way or another she isn't all that interested. Give it a shot, it is only a few seconds and keystrokes. Lost

I am a guy and when guys have been single for a while they are not in relationship mode/mindset. No excuse just stating facts. If he did like you said and realized he screwed up and apologized then that is a good thing right? People make mistakes and if everything else went well is he worth a little more of your time to see if this was an aberration or he really has no class? Was it cool? NO it was not. Is it worth writing him off without a second chance or some grace from you? I don't think so. If you or I did something stupid on a first date like this I would hope we had attracted someone that would give us another shot to redeem ourselves. Lost

This right here. At work she felt comfortable having you as a coworker or even a friend but it seems like that is all she sees you as. I am sorry and I know it sucks even worse when you felt for sure it was going to work out. Chances are she was being polite and avoiding hurting your feelings. If you send her a text leaving the ball in her court then you end up waiting and waiting for a text from her which is not a good place to be. She knows you are interested so she can reach out if she wants to pursue anything romantic with you. At least you didn't ask her while you worked together, that would have been awkward... Lost

The reason this is swirling around in your head is because this is special and you can feel that. The more important something/someone is to us the more we fear losing them/it. If it was just okay then it would not be hitting you this hard. Perfectly normal to feel this way but do not let it control you. I am not sure why you are terrified of falling in love and being hurt. You have in the past and here you are wiser and willing to take that leap once again. A broken heart heals and is not fatal but regrets can haunt us a lifetime. How about you do a reset on yourself and just look at this for what it is. A great guy you are crazy about that seems to be crazy about you. Let nature take its course with any fears safely tucked away. Look how far you have come from Stinky McStinky to Mr Wonderful. Well done!!! Lost

It was 15 bucks, not jewellery for goodness sake. An old friend sent you a gift that is all this is. If it was a woman sending you this gift would we be discussing this? No we wouldn't. Your bf is a child that threw a tantrum. Are you sure you want to date a child? You didn't do anything wrong so stop taking the blame for your boyfriends insecurities, jealousy and control issues. Lost

You asked her to meet outside the gym and she clearly let you know she is dating someone so hands off. So far she sees you as a good guy that took his time to get to know her and yes I know it sucks knowing now that if you hadn't taken so long she would have went out with you but you did and she is now taken. Stay friendly but respectful of her new relationship and see what happens. Who knows she may have a cute friend that is single. Just don't be that guy that tries to snake some other guys girl. Even if you did manage to steal her away then you end up with a girl that easily walks away for the newest shiny object, how long before it happens to you? Lost

You nailed it right there!!! We all could use more balance in our lives, some more than others. Just like any bad habit or addiction the first step is identifying it and accepting that you have it. Solving it or working on it takes time, sometimes a lot of time. Please remember you took years to find yourself where you are at so it will take some time to find the balance you seek. You can see the issue and accept it is a real problem which is a huge first step. I have lost sight of what is really important in my life many times but I always seem to find my way back. We only have so many days on this earth to live a happy life and I do not want to waste any of it on something that is pretty low on my importance list. Lost PS Do you feel like you can fix this yourself or need a skilled therapist?

This is about control. In your work environment you are in control while your non work environment you don't feel the same or no control. It is a form of escape that gives you comfort and a sense of safety. This is not uncommon and not specific to alcoholics/recovering alcoholics but many do use it as a crutch to keep them from drinking. What is it you fear? Certainly the world will not stop spinning or your company will not implode if you do not do all these work related stuff on your off hours so what is it that you fear? Lost