My partner and I have very different communication styles. How can we better understand each other and communicate effectively?

When it comes to understanding my partner and their communication style, I often feel like I’m speaking a different language. While I struggle to express myself fluently in the languages of love – patience, openness and compassion – my partner gravitates toward more silent conversations and a cooler demeanor when handling discussions around emotions.

When my partner speaks, it’s often difficult to tell if they’re unfiltered, expressing their innermost insecurities, or if their quiet is an armor for their vulnerability. Such differences in communication makes me feel somewhat lost in translation, like I'm trying to untangle a turbulent knot of thoughts in order to gain insight into my partner’s true feelings.

Our varied dialects can be a major challenge throughout any relationship; however, with the right tools, deference and a willingness to learn, we can better understand each other and bridge our otherwise vast territory of differences. Couples can benefit from basic education on communication as well as sensitive discussions that bring nuance to our respective perspectives. Here are a few key tips that could help foster understanding and effective communication between partners.

Number one aspect of understanding and communicating with your partner effectively is to prioritize balancing active listening and honest, open communication. Active listening requires us to really focus on what our partner is saying and to acknowledge understanding through assertive nonverbal and verbal cues (eye contact, nodding, smiles, etc). To ensure that both partners are engaged in communication, practice reflective listening – reflecting back, briefly summarizing, and/or asking clarifying questions to ensure comprehension of what has already been expressed.

Second, strive for a give-and-take dynamic when engaging in a conversation. Make sure each partner takes turns to come up with ideas and express opinions without feeling shut down or ridiculed. Go through conversations like solving puzzles together as opposed to subjecting each opinion to a judge and jury-like trial. Respect not only matters, but also results in better communication outcomes. Be open enough to take criticism with grace; view it as an opportunity for growth and seek understanding instead of retaliating out of anger.

Third, establish healthy boundaries when discussing difficult topics. Aggressively pushing for answers to deeply layered questions can lead to frustration, resentment and misunderstanding. Instead, agree ahead of time to raise and discuss potentially difficult topics at an opportune moment in an environment that both parties feel safe in and allows for nurturing communication.

The truth is, communication and understanding remain two of the toughest aspects of a relationship. Paying attention to how we communicate with each other and striving to build on this is vital in guiding us on the path of our unique journey together. Making a conscious effort to discuss miscommunications and learning to respect our differing communication styles can help us create the perfect balance between listening and speaking. The absence of one truly impacts the other — meaning if one partner communicates without being listened to or respected, this in turn dims their enthusiasm or desire to open up in the future. With time and understanding, my partner’s and my different communications styles won’t be a puzzling obstacle but rather a means of deepening our mutual understanding and connection.