Knowing Your Partner Over Time: Staying in Tune with a Changing Relationship

No one stays the same forever. We may age and look different, or struggle with different circumstances. Even the people who are closest to us, our romantic partners, change over time. The challenge of being in a relationship is making sure that we're staying in tune with these changes as they happen. This article examines why it's important to recognize your partner's transformations and offers some ideas of how to ensure you stay in tune with that relationship.

When couples enter into a lasting relationship, they often feel like they know each other inside and out, like their partner is a book that they've read so often, they can recall the plot. That might be true at the start, but with time, things will change. People go through life events, physical transformations, and mental metamorphoses. If two people adhere to what psychologist John Gottman calls the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling – then their relationship can easily get off track. Thus, it is important for all partners to remain aware of how their relationship is evolving and growing over time.

The first step to recognizing your partner's changes is to understand that you don't know them as well as you think you do. We can often get complacent in our relationships, falsely believing that we already get it and that nothing has changed. That kind of arrogance is not only dangerous to relationships, but it can be limiting to personal growth and understanding.

If you want to keep in step with your partner's changing nature and remain connected, communication is essential. Talk to your partner about what has been going on in their life. Ask probing questions that solicit feelings rather than facts. Be patient, caring and inquisitive. Let your partner know that you are open and that you appreciate their insight. Don't shy away from tougher topics – tough conversations can lead to greater insight and depth in your relationship. Think carefully about your responses and think before you speak. If something is bothering you, try to express it with kindness, while also being honest and direct.

It's also important to give your partner some space. Being constantly together and demanding their undivided attention can be overwhelming, and it won't necessarily lead to meaningful connections. Giving each other space allows the relationship to breathe. Agreeing to do separate activities and giving each other time apart can be nourishing for the relationship.

Don't expect perfect harmony, no matter how hard we try. Conflict is inevitable, but it doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship. In fact, by facing our differences and learning how to manage them in healthy ways, a relationship can become even stronger. So, instead of expecting perfect equilibrium, accept that relationships involve conflict, and learn to embrace it as part of navigating through change.

Lastly, even if you can't control the changes in your relationship, or anticipate when things is about to shift, you can plan for the inevitable. Take the opportunity to reassess what you need out of the relationship in order to feel happy and fulfilled. Use the changes to remind yourselves why you're together and what you both want out of the relationship.

A fulfilling relationship requires that both partners embrace each other for who they are now, rather than stay stuck in the past. This hard work isn't easy but with patience and dedication, it can create a strong relationship that evolves appropriately together with the passage of time.