Creating an Unconventional Kindness in the Aftermath of Loss

When my ex died, I struggled to make sense of the tragedy. We hadn't talked to each other in several years, but we had once been best friends in college. When the call came that they had passed, it felt too soon and I was left reeling in grief. Despite feeling so much pain and loss, I soon felt the need to reconnect with my ex's family— mom and dad, and two siblings—and support them as much as I could during this difficult time.

My own life had shifted dramatically since I'd last seen my ex. I had gone from being an aspiring actor to a yoga teacher. I realized that despite our dramatic change in circumstances, my ex's death gave us a commonality that we could build upon. That connection became the foundation for something unlikely, comforting and inspiring.

Week by week, I called the parents and generously exchanged stories about my ex—memories from our childhood, our favorite summer trips, college campus antics and more. I felt the healing power of laughter and tears, but also sensed a serene kind of strength that never seemed to end. With each passing week, something new would come up and our connection seemed to get deeper.

I also had thoughtful conversations with my ex’s siblings. Listenening to their perspectives had a deep impact upon me. I’d made a promise to look after them because that’s exactly what their elder sibling would have wanted. I had the sense their siblings were relieved to have me there—even though we had different backgrounds, our love and admiration for the departed was the same.

Perhaps it was the unique arrangements of our lives that allowed us to join forces. Where 10 years prior, simply being in the same room was triggering. Today, we found ourselves in each other’s arms celebrating life. For the first time in many years, I felt connected to them again as one big, happy family. The healing process was amplified exponentially and it felt wonderful.

I realized that many of us know people who have experienced grief. But often, it comes with a stigma. We fail to see them beyond their grief and perceive only the pain that they are carrying. Like us, they need strength and care to get through this season. An unconventional kindness from someone outside of the family can bring some much-needed comfort, healing and strength.

We all make mistakes and I certainly carry my own. But in a world of heartache, the role I played for my ex's family taught me the power of reaching out and understanding the suffering of others. It also opened me up to being open about my own struggles. Seeing how two families united in the aftermath of a tragedy has helped me heal in tremendous ways.

The power of connection was palpable—it was fulfilling and replenishing. In the unlikeliest arrangement, I was fortunate to find peace, growth and healing. We may not be together anymore but the love that was established between us in this time of grief will always remain true.