Is he capable of fully putting his feelings for her aside for good?

He and I are 22 and were in a 4 year long relationship that was long distance for around 3.5 of those years. We seriously talked about kids and houses and getting married and the far future and I guess that's what makes me so torn. We had our issues here and there but there was never a huge threat to our relationship until one of his close friends from hs resurfaced. The end of it came soon after I discovered he had feelings for her, though it never developed beyond flirting. I realize now it was more a lonely lusty feeling he felt (she was in a relationship too), but regardless it changed everything. For months after the official breakup we became that nauseating on-again-off-again "couple" that wasn't really an official couple.

I say "couple" because it's one of those non-defined relationships, since for one thing, he doesn't even want a full on relationship (like what we had had) at this time. So my dilemma in going forward is whether I should stick around in his life, and if so to what extent. He says he still is in love with me and cares for me very much and would want to be with me when he is ready for a relationship, but obviously doesn't expect me to wait around. He wants me to be in his life nonetheless but I know I am not capable of viewing him or treating him as a friend. Of course I don't want to lose him and he doesn't want to lose me but I'm overwhelmed daily by the fear that at the drop of a hat, he can develop feelings for her again. All I know and am used to with him is being his #1. I could not face becoming the friend and watching her more or less take the place I used to occupy. I know it sounds selfish but it's just too painful and makes it feel like they were the ones who were meant to be all along and i was just the person who made him realize that.

Recently, he thought he was developing feelings for her again. I felt like such a fool for allowing myself to be present while this took place and was preparing to burn our ties. We talked about it and even though it was beyond painful for both of us (like crying for days-type-of-painful), we agreed that if both she and I stayed in his life, someone would keep getting hurt. Our almost goodbyes and final chats turned into what if conversations about the future and I guess the reality of potentially losing me for good made him realize that what he felt for her was not like what he felt for me, just more of that fleeting falling-for-someone sensation.

Since then things have been stable. I don't know how really to describe our current status. We're not really just friends obviously, but we're not in a relationship. He doesn't do most of the things he did when we were in that label-less period, but remains transparent about his relations with her. Like we're not holding hands, kissing, having sleepovers, etc, but I still hang out with his family and we spend time together often. He continues to hang out with her as a friend (it has never actually crossed the physical line) and while I still feel that fear lingering, I've kind of accepted the situation for now.

I guess my question is am I just wasting my time and/or setting myself up for disaster? I know waiting until he's ready for a relationship is not healthy, realistic or fair to myself but I have this worry that the moment I move on romantically, he'll naturally gravitate toward his friend once I'm no longer an option and it'll be her who makes him realize he wants to be in a relationship again. And even if we magically reunite one day, is this best friend of his always going to occupy that special area in his heart, even if he doesn't realize it? My feeling is that if you have feelings for someone once, the opportunity for it to happen again will always be there; either that or the feeling never really completely fades. There's also argument that it doesn't really matter if there's that chance or if he has feelings for her, rather it's what he chooses to do with the feelings. It feels premature to think about things in the future, but I know that making a sensible decision now can prevent an even huger mess down the road.

I guess my question is am I just wasting my time and/or setting myself up for disaster?

Yes, you are. Consider that the only way for you know about his 'feelings' for anyone else would be that he told you.

Why would he do that?

When he had you at a distance, that was good for him. Now he's found a way to keep you at a distance by using his manipulative 'honesty' as a wedge.

Skip that. I'd tell him that I adore him and could picture the two of us together someday, but in order to preserve that potential, I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that he wants a relationship full throttle, he can contact you to let you know, and if you're still available then, you can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, tell him you'll be civil if your paths cross in public, but you're walking away from limbo.

Then do that, and understand that grief is natural and something you'll need to allow yourself to get through so you can heal and fully respect the person who knows what she wants and deserves.

Head high.

Walk away and never look back .

He says he still is in love with me and cares for me very much and would want to be with me when he is ready for a relationship, but obviously doesn't expect me to wait around.

Then don't. Please, show this guy that you love and respect yourself, and don't wait around.

I'm with pippy, I wouldn't ever look back.

why is it premature to think about the future? I think it's fairly easy to establish what the future here would and wouldn't bring.

for 4 years he has

-emotionally cheated and showed no sign of an actual emotional detachment from this woman

-manipulated you into accepting a half-a$$ed relationship with,still!, your full emotional investment

-used you for a display of relationship normalcy while he maintained his romantic fantasy alive in his mind and possible to physically manifest

-wasted your time

we have people on here who married a person like that and are, decades later, still subject to their partners flings and emotional affairs--at the very least.

future? I suspect he'd be able to eventually convince you into bearing his children and playing the wife with him still getting some sense of romantic fulfillment from this woman, with frequent phases of intense emotional affairs and your distress,

or

string you along and then discard you completely for his feelings for her, then again convince you to waste your time with him with zero commitment or even affection on his part, discard you again etc ad nauseam.

There is no point in worrying she'll have dominion over his feelings if you move on. She's dominated his feelings for years. You don't even get to hold his idiotic hand!

you have already broken up several times and each time you agreed to go back, and each time agreed to an arrangement even more devoid of comittment, respect or even affection than the last one. Your self-esteem is ruined. and it's frightening the kind of life people will agree to when they don't believe themselves worthy or capable of a decent one. Please dump his pathetic a$$ and cut all contact with him. And let us know how it goes.

You're not feeling confident now---but that's where faking it is perfectly legitimate.