Need help and support please

This is my first post here. And I'm having a difficult time post break up. We split approximately a month ago. I found out my bf had gone on a date and then found out he had a dating profile on a dating website. The night that I asked him about everything that I found out he physically abused me...choking me and punching me. I thought he was going to kill me because I couldn't get him off of me. And the most horrific part was that my 4 year old son saw it all.

Despite all of this I was so, I guess the correct word is "addicted"to him. I couldn't let him go. I kept telling him I loved him and that I wanted to work on things. He just kept saying he didn't know what he wanted. All the while he was blaming me for everything.

He decided a week later that my son and I should move out of his house. So he could work on himself and have some time apart. And we could go to counseling. So I agreed to give him his space. I tried finding places I could afford and that were in a good area and school District and was having trouble with how much rent is. All the while he kept bugging about when I was getting out. Then one night he came home on a night he bad told me he was going out and was in a rage. He told me he hated me and that I had a weeks to get out. I was devastated. And he said all of this also right in front of my son.

I continued to look for places but I felt unsafe in the home anymore so I moved out to my parents. Even then he still texted me about getting my stuff out. Then he made me come the following weekend and pack up everything and move it to the garage.

I would stop by sometimes to get some tmof my things. Then I started seeing abother car in the driveway and I new it was another girl. This was just a week after I had moved my things into the garage!

he was keeping my dogs for me as I was unable to take them to my dad's house. But after a week he said he was sick of them and was going to let them go. One dog was one that we had gotten together. I asked if he wanted any of them and he replied "not really" I went by the house a day later and they were all loose. So I came and took them. Then he accused me 2 days later of stealing "his" dog. I told him that he said he didn't want them and he said he only didn't want mine anymore. I was told to being his dog back.

Meanwhile he has my brand new treadmill. He has locked me out of the house so I have no way to get it. During the time we were together I invested at least $8k towards fixing up the house we shared...his house. The house he said was ours. I thought we were fixing it up for us....and now I was being kicked out. We tried to split everything but he was so damn greedy. He wanted just abut everything and I mentioned to him how much I had spent on a house I'd never see a return on. But he said I did that while we were together so It didn't matter.

Fast forward to this weekend I hired movers to move my stuff out. I could see in the house and saw that his new gf was already keeping things at the house. And I hadn't even moved out yet! I'm sure he's telling her horrible things about me. I guess I shouldn't care bc I don't know her.

So while the movers were there I split up tools and things bc these were things that I paid for too....well mostly even. I pretty much paid for everything except rent and his truck.

I get texts last night that the movers had taken a dog rug by accident. ...shouldn't be a big deal right? It's a rug his dog laid on in the garage. So i Didn't even respond. This morning I get a text asking why I took a saw and calling me a thief. Then he tells me to keep what I stole and forget he exists and to lose his number and stay out of his life.

Mind you. I never text him. He always initiates texts. and most of the time I didn't even repsond. And I've never tried to see him or anything since we Split. I am just so at a loss at why he hates me so much and could tell me that when just 2 months ago I was the love of his life and he couldn't live without me. He was always so sweet and loving and I had no idea how cruel he could be. For a year and a half if has perfect. always getting me flowers....asking if I needed anything. We went everywhere together. I honestly dont know what I've done to be treated this way. He cheated on ME! and I am so mad at myself that I can't get over him. And he's just moved on to the next girl. Hearing to forget he ever existed was like a knife to my heart. Despite everything I still love him and was hoping for a chance. So why can't I get over him? I should hate him! I should be pissed and glad a loser like that is out of me and my sons life. And he's already moved on! But I can't get over it. I feel so alone all the time. I've already started on antidepressanta and something for my anxiety.

Can anyone give me any advice? Or maybe just be a friend thru all of this? My friends just tell me I should be over it by now. They don't understand. it was especially hard when he would send a text just about once a day but now to say lose his number and forget he exists creates a whole new loss for me. I just feel like I will never heal. I don't have any closure. I suppose I will never get any either. I guess I just need to know that there are people out there that understand my pain. And can help me thru it. Just need some support right now bc I dont get any from friends and family. Thanks for listening. Sorry it's so long.

Well, it's difficult to just forget about someone that we loved, to just move on just like that. But, I think your friends are looking out for you. He physically abused you...that's not a good guy, period. Not only that, he demands his space, is awful to you afterward. It's hard for others to understand holding onto that. Being over something isn't just a switch one can flip on and off, so everything is still very raw for you. What kind of closure do you want or expect? What do you want him to say or do that would ease the transition for you?

I guess if he would have just said when he asked me to move out that it was over instead of we would work on us and I wont see anyone until we decide about us. Just for him to be a man and have told me the truth. He gave me hope but then just got angrier and angrier. And like i said I hadnt even moved out and he's moved a new girl in? He told me that he didn't ever want another relationship again bc he says I hurt him. But he's moved on already? Just honesty I suppose is all I needed. Not lies and hatred when he's the one who cheated and went on dates before we even split.

I guess if he would have just said when he asked me to move out that it was over instead of we would work on us and I wont see anyone until we decide about us. Just for him to be a man and have told me the truth. He gave me hope but then just got angrier and angrier. And like i said I hadnt even moved out and he's moved a new girl in? He told me that he didn't ever want another relationship again bc he says I hurt him. But he's moved on already? Just honesty I suppose is all I needed. Not lies and hatred when he's the one who cheated and went on dates before we even split.

Yeah, it's lousy when they say one thing then completely flip. Honestly, sometimes they're just cowards who aren't capable of telling the truth.

It's not easy when the other person can so quickly move on. But I think you'll come to realize that someone like that isn't good for you, and that he's done you a favor. You said you felt unsafe in the house...there's a reason for that, and you've just got to remember that.

Yes. You are absolutely right. I just thought after a month of not sleeping and nightmares and anxiety it would be gone after 3 weeks of not seeing him. He would text occasionally....once asking me if in had quit my job? I guess bc my car wasn't out there? Or how was the dog and my son even though when I mentioned to him before all that my son was going through bc of this..acting out, nightmares, saying he knew my ex "doesn't want us anymore" he told me he had no response for that. How can a person be so cold hearted to a 4 year old? And why all of a sudden did he even care to ask. He already threw out the b day card my son made him. I guess he didn't want the new girl to see it. Idk I even asked for it back bc I'd have rather had it than it to be trashed. In fact he packed up some of my stuff before I even got there and he packed my sons room up first. I guess I just wish I could take away my son's pain.

He has texts where he is OK and ones like today. Ive gotte. This text before about forgetting him. But i responded to it and we still talked. I just don't want him to hate me. It feels so final now and I feel like I'm starting the grief all over again I just want to feel better and not so alone

I know it's tough, but whether he hates you or not is his problem, not yours. Doesn't appear to be a reason for him to feel that way, and even if he did he's not a good guy, so it shouldn't matter. Think about how badly he made you feel, how scared you were to be in the same house.

I think the contact is preventing you from moving on. When you talk, you're still expecting him to say and act how he did when you were together, and that just doesn't happen. I know, because I hate that aspect of breakups...you talk to them afterward, you tell them something that you think they'll be interested in or care about, and they're just cold and distant. Why? Because they're not invested anymore, and that's tough to take when you still are. You're not going to forget him, so thinking you will isn't realistic, but ceasing contact and not responding is probably you're best bet for healing. It's not doing any good, right? You're not getting the responses you want, so why put yourself through that over and over again? He texts, you ignore it.

Ty for the responses. I feel pretty confident he will no longer contact me and that to me is a double edged sword. It hurts to know that someone I had planned to spend the rest of my life with can just leave like that (January we were looking at engagement rings) but theN it's good that maybe I can begin to heal. Just not quite sure what to do when the anxiety and loneliness hit. I've tried prayer and meditation. Thinking positive thoughts and he always seems to creep back in. If only my brain would remember the bad and not the good. I'm glad I found this site though. Maybe with support it will speed up my recovery and I won't feel like the only person in he world that feels like this. Ty.

 

He has texts where he is OK and ones like today. Ive gotte. This text before about forgetting him. But i responded to it and we still talked. I just don't want him to hate me. It feels so final now and I feel like I'm starting the grief all over again I just want to feel better and not so alone

I think the only way you'll ever feel better and get past this is to stop answering his texts, and block him. Think about how toxic this whole experience was/is for your son, and you're concerned with whether this guy hates you or not?

He sounds manipulative. My ex was. Just 3 days after her bday, when she said she cared so much about me, she cheated on me. Go No Contact. It sucks for a while, but eventually it will get easier. Keep yourself busy. Sometimes you literally have to force yourself to stay busy. If he truly cared about you, he would never have abused you. Consider yourself lucky you got out before it got even more complicated. You and your child deserve someone who will love you and not just lead you to believe they do. Keep your head up SweetOne! We are all going through heartbreak, you are not alone in this.

Ty for the responses. I feel pretty confident he will no longer contact me and that to me is a double edged sword. It hurts to know that someone I had planned to spend the rest of my life with can just leave like that (January we were looking at engagement rings) but theN it's good that maybe I can begin to heal. Just not quite sure what to do when the anxiety and loneliness hit. I've tried prayer and meditation. Thinking positive thoughts and he always seems to creep back in. If only my brain would remember the bad and not the good. I'm glad I found this site though. Maybe with support it will speed up my recovery and I won't feel like the only person in he world that feels like this. Ty.

You're welcome. It's not going to be easy, but try to occupy your mind with either other thoughts (such as how he treated you) or just activities. Stay busy as much as possible. Know that you will have bouts of loneliness and anxiety, but that's natural...it's how you manage it that matters, and what works for me is to just go for a walk, pop in a favorite movie, work in the yard or start a project in the house. Those feelings will fade with time, but the healing process is being stunted by the contact.

This man almost kills you, cheats on you, throws you out of the house all in the presence of your son - with no concern where you will go - and you're wondering why he hates you!!! You should thank your lucky stars you are out of there.

You need to focus on how toxic and dangerous this was for your child. What if his mother were now dead!!! You should not want your child to go back to this environment!!!!!!

Please seek abuse counseling. You need to recognize how serious this is, and learn to recognize the red flags you ignored. I can't imagine that he turned into the devil overnight.

Ty all so much. All the responses have made my day so much better. Yes bulletproof, we do deserve better. just scared to always be alone I guess although that really shouldn't matter with the physical abuse. He was manipulative at the end and maybe the whole time and I just didn't see it. I know he was a pathological liar and did it so well I never knew. I feel that maybe my ex was a sociopath. ...I've been reading up on it. And it's psychological the way they play with your mind. I think maybe that's why I have such an emotional attachment to the relationship. I'm hoping through this site I will be able to find the healing support that I need.

You need counseling outside the site, most especially for your child. You don't want him to grow up like the monster you were with.

This man almost kills you, cheats on you, ethrows you out of the house all in the presence of your son - with no concern where you will go - and you're wondering why he hates you!!! You should thank your lucky stars you are out of there.

 

You need to focus on how toxic and dangerous this was for your child. What if his mother were now dead!!! You should not want your child to go back to this environment!!!!!!

 

Please seek abuse counseling. You need to recognize how serious this is, and learn to recognize the red flags you ignored. I can't imagine that he turned into the devil overnight.

Yes @hollYj. I can't believe myself either. He had never been violent before much less even raised his voice. He is no longer the man I knew. He is a completely different person. I think most of it was fear of what I was going to do next? And where I would go? How I would make it on my own? I just honestly wanted him to be the way he was the year and a half prior. I thought I could beg my way back to his love and that I regret. I do see now that I am lucky to be alive and I probably do need counseling. I've read that after 4 weeks people typically begin to feel better and yet I do not although like someone else said it's probably bc the ex still contacted me almost daily about moving out. and yes I am sad that he hates me. I guess bc I don't understand how a person can cheat and blame it all on the other person and then hate them for it? I believe he has psychological problems but for some reason I need to hear the "why" answer. I feel like of I could only understand w.t.f. happened I could accept it better? Does that make any sense?

Yes I agree with you. I have talked to my son several times about the incident and he knows what happened was wrong and thankfully it was only the one time. you are right and I am very lucky...I just have to keep reminding myself of the bad to outweigh the good that we had.

It doesn't matter why, as all you to know is that it happened. It won't change the past.

Even if he hadn't of abused you, he still cheated , threw you and your son out and then promptly moved in another woman. That should be enough. Damn, he was even going to let the dogs fend for themselves. I think you really need to be honest, as someone with this type of character, does not change for the bad overnight. Not possible!

Hon, you need to understand your low self esteem, and where it is rooted from. This will hiply understand your choices, and never end up with this type of man again.

Yes I have come to realize that you are right. I have no self esteem and I've been that way for a while. I am trying to learn to love myself and I do know what I deserve in a man. I'm just afraid I will never find it. I'm 39....I work in a profession that is primarily women. Men never approach me. And I don't consider myself to be unattractive....it just never happens. So I have a lot of fear moving forward. Fears that I have to face. I've never moved out on my own. And now I have a 4 year old to support with no help from his father. He was from my previous marriage not my last relationship. I just worry I won't be able to provide for him. And it worries me to live alone. I've never done it before.

What about child support. Have you filed?

I am 50, am on my own. I would rather be alone, than with someone who is abusive or disloyal. I know that I will meet someone special, eventually. Finding love just does not happen in the work environment. You need to get yourself involved in things, that involve your son. There are plenty of single dads out there.

Your priority is your son, and who you expose him to. Your ex is dangerous to your son in more ways than you can imagine. You need to make your son's needs more important than your own. Your making very poor choices.

I am just so at a loss at why he hates me so much and could tell me that

If this guy really choked you and punched you in front of your 4 year old son, you're really all that worried about what he ~tells~ you?

Really??

I get $5 a month for child support. That's court orderEd aND I don't even get that. No catfeeder..I do worry about my son. I just think that if I got some answers or some type of closure maybe I would be able to stop the hurt and get past it. I know it sounds crazy to you as it does to me too. I always said if anyone was to abuse me that I would be gone and never look back. For some reason it's really hard to just let him go.

The hard part to let go of is having company now that you're alone. Also the fact that they are not the same person you once knew and loved. You were so used to being with someone all the time and now there is a HUGE void along with the constant question of, what made them change. Trust me, I'm in the same boat and it sucks and hurts like hell.

I came accross this article a few days ago, maybe it'll shed some light; link removed

Yes ty @unluckylove. I have read that and I highly believe that he is a sociopath. BUT then I start thinking maybe I'm wrong. I don't want him to be one yet it would explain why things ended the way they did. I know it's very difficult to get over him. ty for your response 😊

Yes ty @unluckylove. I have read that and I highly believe that he is a sociopath.

I think you should cease researching what might be wrong with him, and focus on what needs to change within you. Obviously something within you needs addressing or else you wouldn't be wondering what a man who choked you is doing, thinking, etc.

He doesn't need a diagnosis from you for you to get closure. Closure comes from within and it will likely involve figuring out the source of your neediness for a relationship, no matter how bad it is.

I think you should cease researching what might be wrong with him, and focus on what needs to change within you. Obviously something within you needs addressing or else you wouldn't be wondering what a man who choked you is doing, thinking, etc.

 

He doesn't need a diagnosis from you for you to get closure. Closure comes from within and it will likely involve figuring out the source of your neediness for a relationship, no matter how bad it is.

Totally agree! Stop the labeling. Who cares what's wrong with him.

By continuing to focus on him, you solely see him as the problem. You are half the problem. This was really unhealthy, and I'm thinking you should have bailed from this guy long ago.

Instead of worrying why he hates you (Good Lord) focus on why you did not report him to the police.