my son feels overwhelmed by my questions about his dad's girlfriend

So what I want to know is it right of me to ask or let him tell me about what he likes or doesn't ..etc or is it none of my bussiness. ..please I need advice

How old is your son?

How long have you been divorced?

And if he is old enough to tell you you are making him uncomfortable... Then stop.

And it really is none of your business.

You shouldn't be asking beyond a simple, "That's nice dear, do you two get along," in the same sort of way you'd want to know he gets on with his teachers at school. Anything beyond that and you're essentially putting your son in the middle of a) being your spy and b) now feeling panicked and wrong if he does like the girlfriend and has you badgering him about her.

If you want to know about the girlfriend ask your ex-husband and her to dinner and get to know her. Beyond that stay out of it unless she's being abusive to your son and stop using the kid to gather info. It's none of your business.

It really is none of your business. I have to add that it's also wrong to be using your son for information, regardless of his age.

So what I want to know is it right of me to ask or let him tell me about what he likes or doesn't ..etc or is it none of my bussiness. ..please I need advice

It isn't really any of your business. Understandably you may be naturally curious (or even concerned) about a woman who may well go on to play an influential role in your son's life but you have to trust your son's father on the choices he makes in the same way that he has to trust yours ... unless, of course, there are known reasons to be concerned.

If he is young then he won't understand the dynamics of the situation and he may well naturally talk about her. It isn't fair to put him in a position where he may feel awkward or even bad at having to tell you things he knows you might not want to hear. Again, depending upon his age, he may not even know the answers to significant things that you want to know about her. She is just daddy's girlfriend and he doesn't understand all the other stuff.

""is it right of me to ask or let him tell me about what he likes or doesn't ""

Yes and no. It depends on your intention.

When I first divorced and my boys were young, my youngest was bad mouthing the new gf. He was 9 at the time and I asked him if he really felt this way or was he telling me these things in some way make me feel better. He innocently said he was telling me these ugly things to make me feel better! Gotta love a preteen! No filter. . lol

In turn I told him it was ok if he liked her and he didn't need to protect me (not that I didn't need support, but it's not my young sons job to comfort his mother)

Basically. .with the help of counseling (can't take credit for it myself) I realized that what was best for my sons is if they had a good relationship with the new woman in their dads life. Whats best for my sons far surpassed any solicited or unsolicited information I received.

I did however always keep the door open if they needed to talk to me about her. .

Their relationship turned sour when the boys became teenagers and they were all living together (shocking, I know. .lol)

But I stayed out of the middle. . but was their sounding board and maybe at times gave them advise on how navigate their relationship all the while trying to fair and objective (HARD!!!) If my own unresolved issues had spilled over into the mix I doubt they would have felt safe coming to me about it.

It's hard. . and very painful to realize that another woman is going to be your kids lives.

If your son is already feeling overwhelmed then you need to stop asking. You really don't want him to start feeling anxious about seeing her or even coming back home again ... and I doubt he can tell you what you really want to know anyway. If you need to rant about her - or just want to talk about things - then do so on here but please don't drag your son into it.

For your son's sake, you need to remain neutral. You don't want to be the cause of any drama or any bitterness he may end up feeling towards her.

Thank you for your advice

My son is sixteen

I will not ask questions about my ex girlfriend anymore. ..only if my son wants to bring it up I'll just be there for him say that's nice...etc...and any other question I'll ask my ex

No we were not married but together 20 years

I guess I felt jealous when my son mention they go to movie and have fun etc

So now I feel stupid about how I reacted I will say I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was using him I didn't mean to be that way I feel awful for handling it that way I'm sorry

I know better now

Your child should never ever have to feel like he is a go-between whose function is to rat out each parent to the other parent.

What happens between his father and his GF is their business and not your business, UNLESS your son brings up that he's being abused by the GF or something of that magnitude.

And if you feel the need to spy on your ex and his GF, that means you need therapy to learn how to let go of your ex because he is gone and not your partner anymore, hence his business and romantic liaisons are none of your business. I know that may be hard to accept, but he just isn't your husband anymore, so not your concern, and don't try to enlist your son as a spy into their business because that is really bad parenting if you do.

Thank you for your advice

My son is sixteen

I will not ask questions about my ex girlfriend anymore. ..only if my son wants to bring it up I'll just be there for him say that's nice...etc...and any other question I'll ask my ex

No we were not married but together 20 years

I guess I felt jealous when my son mention they go to movie and have fun etc

So now I feel stupid about how I reacted I will say I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was using him I didn't mean to be that way I feel awful for handling it that way I'm sorry

I know better now

I admire your honestly and insight. It's difficult. . I get it.

But now you can do better. . and you do so for the boy because he's worth it {{hug}}

If felt as if in that moment I was giving my son permission to like the gf and I could see such a sense of relief come over him. I imagine at the time he felt such a loyalty to me which as much as it may have been expected, it must have been difficult for him to feel responsible for making everyone happy. .

The kids are the innocents in the mess in which we put them in.

Well everyone I'm sorry I said sorry to my kid

He now ok with it I finally see the light it's not worth knowing what goes on or being jealous I have my own life to worry about

Thank you setting me straight before it became a problem how do I delete this thread lol i just feel bad now

how do I delete this thread lol i just feel bad now

I don't believe that you can, but a moderator can best answer that question for you.

Dude, get a grip. You're putting your kid in the middle, which is the #1 thing you should not be doing.

You are questioning him in the hopes of soothing your anxieties and insecurities and on some level he knows it, which is why he is exhausted. Deal with them by getting counseling instead of making your son soothe you. Parents should be the emotional caretakers of their children, not the other way around.

I said I was sorry as above

I wont do it again I made a mistake. .hey no one is perfect it was one time

So again I'm sorry. .I wasn't thinking