Left my husband - why do I feel guilty?

I did it. I thought I would never ever be able to leave, but I did. I left my husband yesterday, and now I feel absolutely horrible. He's emotionally abusive towards and has physically abused me also, but I feel so guilty for leaving him. He wants to try, to fix us, but I feel like i'm done. We've been together for 6 years, I feel like if we couldn't fix it before, why would be able to do it now? We've broken up before, but this is the first time where we're actually not still under the same roof. I just flew to a new country to be with my family at this time.

How do I know I made the right decision? How do I stop the guilt? What do I do?

i went though guilt when i ended it with my ex. He was emotionally abusive and got physical a few times. i felt like i was a bad person because i could not look past his 10% terrible when 90% of him was awesome. he vowed to go to counseling and fix himself. but the thing is, its 3 years later and he has not. he is still the same person and i am really glad i walked away. it was hard for sure, i felt really guilty and bad and cried. but it was hands down one of the best things i ever did.

walking away from someone that makes you feel less about yourself is always the best idea.

Thanks so much for you words. It really means a lot. Like you, I feel bad because I cant look past the bad. I don't think I can forgive him for what he's done to me. He said he'd never do anything like that ever again, but how do I know that? He said that the first time, and the second time. I just feel like I would be absolutely stupid if I stayed around and it happened again. I have never had enough courage to leave him until now. I feel like I was on auto pilot and someone was controlling me, cause I have no idea how else I did it.

One thing you need to be aware of is that abusive men NEVER change. The same sense of entitlement they feel to abuse you means they also feel they are RIGHT to abuse you and you deserve it. They will have periods of remorse that are mainly tied to fear of getting caught and sent to jail or else losing you, but it is crocodile tears that once they have sweet talked their way back in again, the tension starts to build again and it is only a matter of time before they erupt.

Also keep in mind that the guilt and remorse you feel say more about YOU as a person than they do about the marriage. You are someone who really wanted your marriage to work and had high hopes and expectations that it would, and probably are the type who feels you need to tolerate all kinds of things in the name of not breaking up a marriage. So even though you can separate out the idea that the man he is is not who you hoped he'd be and not someone you can safely live with, you still feel guilty like if only you had tried 'hard enough' you could fix this. But the reality is you can't fix another person. It takes two to make a relationship and you could be the perfect wife but if he's an abusive goon he is not going to change. And he has actually broken his vows about loving and caring for you if he abuses you, so all bets are off and you have a perfect right to divorce and not feel bad about it.

So don't focus on it as a question of 'forgiveness' but rather on a case of 'understanding' where you came to realize that is was not a true marriage because he violated his vows by the abuse, and was given multiple times to fix it and just made empty promises and continued in the abuse as is the norm for abusive men who never change. There is nothing that says you should allow yourself to be abused and potential killed for the sake of a foolish/unrealistic hope that he will change in the face of clear evidence that the abuse will continue. And abuse ALWAYS worsens over time. So it was the right thing to do to get out and protect yourself.

Please google 'cycle of abuse' and read up on it and also get some books on abusive relationships and read them. It will help you feel much more comfortable with the choice you made, the right choice to leave rather than allow this to continue. Everyone deserves to feel save and loved in their own homes, and nothing says you have to live with an unpredictable predator doing you harm.

You likely feel guilty, because you've gotten so used to abuse that it's all you know. You're a bit like that brainwashed prisoner who dreams of freedom then when rescue comes to the gate you don't know if you should leave or not after all. There's this one guard who would sometimes show you kindness like bring you a treat before he tortured you and the idea of leaving him behind, after he's all you've known for so long, is terrifying. It's a bit Stockholm Syndrome and a bit addiction to the drama and the highs and lows. Plus if he was really abusive I'm sure he spent a large part of his time convincing you everything was your fault and guilt is something you've just come to experience and feel is a normal emotion for you.

Those habits are going to die hard in the beginning. What you do is persist in not going back, not even if he begs and cries and swears he's changed--don't believe that unless he's had therapy for five years, signed affidavits from everyone who knows him that he's changed, and some sort of life changing experience like a near-death or religious conversion. And even then you'd both need to be in therapy the rest of your lives to make sure you didn't fall back into old patterns.

Do you see what I mean about how much work would be involved in taking him back and NOT having him be abusive again? Yeah, that there. That's the amount of work it takes to reform someone who is abusive--and even that fails.

Go seek out some counseling, let your family's love heal you, stay NC so you lessen his influence and guilt-mongering on you and just give yourself time. It will dawn on you bit by bit that what you went through wasn't normal. And the day will come when you wake up and don't feel guilty at all, just sad then angry then relieved that you went through that and it's over.

Realize the guilt isn't anything rational or normal, it's not something to listen to or give in to. This is not the guilt one feels under normal circumstances like running over a puppy or stealing from a friend. It's an echo of past feelings of being abused, nothing more. You did the hard work of leaving finally, now do the hard work of shedding all of his influence and healing. It won't be easy, but I promise you it will come.

Don't ever feel sorry for someone who has abused you. He probably is manipulating you to make you feel bad about this.

Congratulations on having the courage to take this step.

I feel bad because I cant look past the bad.

That's not bad, it's smart.

Even the threat of physical abuse is enough to stop a healthy woman in her tracks and turn her around to run. All else is irrelevant.

Abusers are often charming when they're not abusing. That's irrelevant, too.

The only reason to keep yourself confused about no longer accepting an abusive partner is to keep yourself from facing the fact that you accepted the abuse for as long as you did.

It feels like a lesser evil to dwell on his dramatic 'pain' and condemn yourself for that rather than to look clearly at the pain he caused you and to feel empowered by leaving him--because that opens the door to examining why you involved yourself with an abuser in the first place, along with all your own barriers to walking away any sooner.

THAT is the stuff of healing. The rest is just romantic dressings you'll use to prevent yourself from moving toward a healthy but scary examination. You'll go there when you're ready, and if you can work with a counselor trained in domestic abuse, you'll thank yourself later.

Head high, and congrAts on a giant step forward.