He said he couldn't fall in love with me...

My boyfriend broke up with me just over a month ago. We had been together for two years.We had some problems. He said that he was never unhappy with me and he said he was attracted to me. He loved being around me and loved having sex with me (when we had sex...at the time we broke up it had been months since we had sex). He said that he cared for me deeply, but I just wasn't the kind of person he could fall in love with.

To provide some background on our relationship...I met him 3.5 yrs ago through okcupid. We went on several dates over the course of a month. Then he called me and told me this sad story about how it was his ex-fiance's birthday and he always got depressed on her birthday. He told me that he suffers from depression and has a bad habit of running away from things. During that phone call he said he couldn't see me anymore. We had only been on a few dates so I moved on pretty easily.

A few weeks or months later (sorry, it's been a while) he popped up and said he wanted to see me again. I really liked him so I agreed. We went on a few more great dates. Then one evening when we were supposed to me he texted and just said he "couldn't do this". Again, I was slightly bummed but moved on pretty easily.

During the following months he would text and flirt with me. Then he got into a relationship with another girl. I know this because we were facebook friends and he changed his relationship status and was posting pictures with his new gf. They were seeing each other for a pretty short time maybe 8 months total. About 5 months after they started seeing each other he started sending me flirty texts. He told me how we would be great together. I thought it was strange. I responded to him with very short responses but didn't tell him to leave me alone since I liked him.

While their relationship fell apart I had started dating someone and the texts between the two of us stopped. My relationship with this new person was very short lived. I think it only lasted a few months. Then I got back on okcupid where I ran into my ex-boyfriend again. I agreed to have dinner with him. Because of my past experience with him I decided that I would be cautious and take things very slow. I had told him that I was hesitant because of his past behavior.

So around late summer/fall of 2012 we started seeing each other. It was so awesome. We loved being around each other. We loved having sex with each other. Everything was great. In October of 2012 he sent flowers to me at work. No one does that! Fastforward to fall 2013...we were both unhappy with our jobs. We still enjoyed spending time together but our sex life started to dwindle. He said something about it. We both loved having sex with each other so it didn't make any since as to why we were in such a rut. Sadly neither of us put in the effort to change the situation and I think by winter we had pretty much stopped having sex. Everything else remained the same. We continued to spend a lot of time together and enjoy each others company. In December we started to talk about moving in together. We looked for places and at that same time I was attacked by one of my housemates which caused me a lot of emotional stress. We signed for a place and moved in at the beginning of January. From January - April he worked full-time while also performing in a play on Friday and Saturday nights. We spent free time together but it was often very routine (going to the grocery store, going to dinner). We still were not having sex. He tried to change that a couple of times by initiating sex but it didn't change things. I have to put it out there that I have a LOT of anxiety around initiating sex. I will describe some of my problems in a bit. So he did this performance from January - April. I was sad that he wasn't around but he loves performing so I supported the fact that he wanted to do it.

When the show was finally over I was excited to get to spend time with him so I had scheduled some activities for us. Then 3 weeks later he got an offer to do another show on Cape Cod for two months. He took off 3 weeks after the other show had ended. We was gone for two months. The first month he facetimed and video skyped me every day. He texted me telling me that I was the queen of his heart...he had always sent me the sweetest text messages. Also during the first month he sent me flowers at work. Things changed during the second month. During the first month he only worked on the play. In the second month he was doing both the play and his full-time job. His communication with me dropped dramatically in the second month. While in Cape Cod He kept saying that he was just so tired. Then later he told me it was because he had started to think about breaking up with me.

I headed to the east coast during the third week of his play. I stopped by New York first, where I ended up getting bed bugs It was traumatic. I freaked out and it ruined my trip because I had this fear that they were all over me. When I arrived in Cape Cod I was a terrible person. I was freaking out about the bed bugs and I didn't really get to enjoy my time with my boyfriend Sadly, the bed bugs drove me crazy.

So when my boyfriend returned from the east coast he said that he wants to break up and pursue acting full-time. He's planning to move to New York. We've been broken up for about 5 weeks now. I'm still really depressed. I'm in the process of moving out of our place and he will stay here until he moves to the east coast. I've started to see a therapist and I think that my friends are getting tired of talking me through all of my questions.

We were together for 2 yrs and I've known him for 3.5 yrs. Sure we had problems but I thought we would be okay. there are things that I wish I could change. I know it may be too late for the two of us, but I hope that my therapist will help work through the problems that I have. I am not open. During my relationship with this guy we didn't talk about our feelings and expectations. Because of my upbringing I don't know how to express myself and my boyfriend never asked me so I never said anything.

In addition, my ex thought it was strange that I didn't introduce him as my boyfriend until several months after we started seeing each other. This goes back to me being afraid of everything (I know I need help. That's why I'm seeing a therapist). I didn't want to mess things up so I just didn't say anything at all. Not only am I afraid to express myself due to my upbringing but because of my ex's behavior at the beginning of our relationship I thought it might freak him out and he would leave. I also felt that he wasn't as into me as his previous gf since he wasn't posting pictures of us on Facebook or had changed his facebook status to indicate that he was in a relationship.

We were together for two years and neither of us ever said "I love you". Again with my fears But my ex said that he has been in love before and typically he is the one to say it. He said I'm just not the kind of person he can fall in love with. To be honest, because I have such a hard time with my feelings I wasn't sure if I was in love with him at the time he broke up with me. Now I know that I must have been in love with him. Why would it hurt so much if I didn't?

He said he always felt like there was something missing. Two years of something missing?!? Also, if he felt there was something missing I don't get why he moved in with me.

Yes, I know I have my problems and I realize that they are serious ones. I know it's lame to be afraid of everything...but I am working on it. I have talked to my ex a couple of times since the break up to ask why. We have been living in the same place, but I am so sad that I can't look or interact with him.

When I talked to him for the most part I was just trying to understand why he stayed with me if he could never love me. That's when he brought up us never talking about our feelings and expectations. He had also said that most people would probably describe our relationship is a normal, healthy relationship. I think that all of his past relationships were very up and down, and dramatic. This past week in another conversation I got upset. I was crying and I yelled at him. As I was talking I could hear him taking deep breaths trying to calm himself down. It made me feel a little better. It's a sign that he cares I think. Since he broke up with me he hasn't offered any information voluntarily so I just think that he doesn't care.

I know he said he could never love me, but part of me hopes that he said that only to make it easier for both of us to move on since he will be moving to NYC. Also, I hope that he will do what he did in the beginning and change his mind. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to get back with him but I just like him...and I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with him.

This is such a long post. For those of you who have read this whole thing - Thank you.

I know he said he could never love me, but part of me hopes that he said that only to make it easier for both of us to move on since he will be moving to NYC. Also, I hope that he will do what he did in the beginning and change his mind. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to get back with him but I just like him...and I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with him.

He flaked out on you in the beginning twice. He says he always felt there was something missing with you ... for two years. And he's said he could never love you.

You need to see the writing on the wall. You are in love. He is not. You have to accept that.

There were a ton of red flags with this guy from the get-go. And I think you hoped that eventually those red flags would go away, but truthfully he's just so flaky and all over the place I'm not sure there will ever be anything but that same inability to just commit to one view and one person and stick to it. This just sounds so toxic that I think if you two can get free of each other long enough you'll both wonder why you ever put up with the other one after the first time it didn't work out. This is where counseling could very much help you sort your head out too to help you through this.

I know he said he could never love me, but part of me hopes that he said that only to make it easier for both of us to move on since he will be moving to NYC. Also, I hope that he will do what he did in the beginning and change his mind. It probably wouldn't be a good idea to get back with him but I just like him...and I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with him.

I don't think you are really in love with him, obviously you would be the judge of that but that's not what comes through in your long post. I do think you miss him, and a part of you wants to hold on because you don't know what the alternative is, but if it was love at all it sounds like it was very incomplete. There may have been physical attraction, and maybe a strong emotional connection, but if he felt like there was something missing there probably was. Probably a little from both of you. I'm not surprised that you were thinking of moving in together. There is a kind of forward movement in relationships, you think maybe if we go to the next level whatever is missing will show up? You guys were taking it slow because of past issues, and hoping that that the love would materialize. Unfortunately, in this case it never did. He doesn't want you to be hurt, obviously he has a heart, so when you were distraught it's going to affect him. And you've shared 2 years together. But that doesn't mean that the relationship had what he was looking for. Romantic gestures like flowers are nice, but I think you will realize that there were things missing from your side as well. His lack of affection for you came through in many of his actions and the distance that you felt, especially the last few months.

Pursuing anyone who's still hung up on an ex is like writing 'rebound girl' on your forehead.

You can scramble to delay the inevitable demise of such a relationship all you want, but it's just a waste of your time--and it's horrible for your ego.

I'd chalk this up to a disaster from the start, because then I'm learning the right lesson instead of internalizing why I couldn't be enough for someone who was never really in the right headspace for me in the first place.

Most people we meet will NOT be the right match for us. Learn to weed those out. That's what makes finding love so special. Sticking around to try to force bad matches, such as guys still grieving an ex, prevents us from finding the right one--and we all deserve someone with the vision to appreciate our unique value. When someone lacks that capacity it doesn't speak of any deficiency in you, it speaks of his limitations.

Lean into your grief so you can heal and move forward. Trust the the right guy for you will make you forget all about this one, and you'll thank yourself later.

Head high.