Confused. My ex has come back into my life, he says he wants to 'eventually' get

To try cut a very long story short...

Me and my ex have broke up twice now. We were best friends and decided to start dating. The first time it lasted only 4 months as he went to University and "couldn't handle the long distances." ... At that point we completed stopped talking for 6 months, then he came back and told me he wanted to get back together - so we did and we were together for almost 2 years.

Close to the end of these two years we went through a horrible rough patch (Which is very personal to me, so I don't want to talk about it)It was a very traumatic time for me in which I behaved very erratically to the point were he just couldn't handle it anymore and broke it off. I didn't handle it so well at first begging and pleading with him, which of course only pushed him further away. It got to the point where I decided to cut off contact from him. This lasted a good 3 weeks and then I had to give him some stuff back, in which I gave him a letter explaining my behaviour and how I was sorry and wanted to be friends again. He agreed and we went for drinks.

I should mention that during these 3 weeks he constantly took drugs and drank.

So, we're having drinks, we're having a really fun time talking together and I generally had no thoughts on getting back together with him. I generally wanted to just be friends. But we ended up talking about everything and then (after a few more drinks) he told me how much he missed me blah blah and then all of a sudden we were kissing! So after this I naturally tried to talk about what we could do about things. Say our 3 weeks was a break, take things really slow while getting back into the swing of things and all that sort of stuff. To which he agreed, saying how he'd love that and ectectect. THEN, we end up having sex. Very bad sex at that. To which point he totally freaked out. and I mean FREAKED. Saying how he didn't feel anything while it was happening and how he was confused and he even started crying! I asked him if he at least meant what he said about missing me and he said he did, but how he needed to sort himself out with the withdrawals of the drugs and getting a job and seeing his friends again. So we agreed no hard feelings, I said I'd support him and I just want him to be happy. We agreed to be friends, but to see each other once a week, get back into the swing of things, see if any feelings come back (I don't know how I feel towards him anymore either, I mean there's not much connection right now)

I should add that he turns into this different person after binges on drugs. Like this cold distant selfish (Total opposite) person.

Sometimes he snaps into himself and then I have this rush of feelings come back, but he just as quickly snaps back out and I'm back to kind of disliking him again. He does eventually come out of it, but I hate that I have to wait for that. Is that selfish of me?

SO. He says that we just act like friends - but I said that if we're going to need to establish any connection, we have to do things that spark a connection - you know physical stuff (Holding hands, kissing, cuddling) but he didn't like that. Do you think I am right?

We had sex again, and it was good this time. But he said it still only felt 'physical' to which I agree really. But he wouldn't come near me after, he didn't want to even sit on the same sofa as me!

He said that that's not what he wants right now and that he needs us to just act like friends - I asked if he even feels like he wants to get back together to which his response was "One day, maybe" (???????)

Now I do kind of want to get our relationship back on track if I'm honest but he's being very reluctant, last time we were in the 'Seeing each other' stage for a month before we got back together and he said the other day that last time we "rushed" into it. Really?!

I understand that he needs his time, in fact I want him to sort himself out. But my question is, how much time? I can't keep asking him, I'm pretty sure he doesn't even know himself!

So what I'm doing now is - Playing cool. I'm waiting for him to text, I'm waiting for him to ask to meet up, I'm waiting for him.

WTH SHOULD I DO? I don't want to wait forever But now all this has been brought into light I really want to get back together. I don't know if its because I still have feelings for him... or if it's just because its easier and more convenient to get back with him out of habit.

Who do you think is more right? Is he just making excuses? Should I wait? I'm thinking of waiting 3 months max? Should it be longer, should it be shorter? I don't want to wait that long at all really, but I know I have to make some sacrifice.

I keep telling myself that I'll keep doing my own thing and having fun, and if I meet someone that's his loss. But he keeps getting in the way, when I think I want to try it with someone else, he pops in my mind and I end up pushing the other guy away

I really want some outside people to give me some advice. If I'm to wait it out, how do I go about this? I'm going to need to do something to make him realize he still has feelings for me. So what do I do? I feel like I may lose my mind if I don't fix this somehow, I know this is a long thread but please help me!

You shouldn't wait AT ALL. When something is right, it's right...and you two aren't right for each other. You need to start over without him in your life. I'm pretty sure that you can do better.

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You shouldn't wait AT ALL. When something is right, it's right...and you two aren't right for each other. You need to start over without him in your life. I'm pretty sure that you can do better.

What makes you think we aren't right for each other? ... The thing is, is we were so happy before the problem I had.

So you think I should just move on then, how do I do this? I've been trying for a month now and can't seem to let it go even though I know he's this horrible person

I don't think you should wait any time at all for someone who's a drug addict and a drunk. A lot of your problem seems to be that he probably prefers alcohol and drugs to you. People who are seriously addicted to substances have problems performing in bed and also with intimacy etc. because their one true love is the drugs/drinking!

You don't want a partner who is into drugs and behaves like this. So there is nothing to wait for. Move on and find a normal guy without substance abuse problems.

Yeah you shouldn't wait. You're wasting your time on this guy.. As much as you love him, which I totally understand, he is messing up his life and dragging you down with him. He is in no state to genuinely love somebody , as he is too preoccupied with substance.

So.. To save yourself a lot of future heartache.. Better cut of the contact. You could explain to him that you waited long enough (and really you shouldn't have waited for someone to make up his mind about you, it is humiliating - but I understand why you did it) and that you need him to man up and make some decisions. He cannot have you hanging on a string like that, it is cruel. I think you should cut off the contact and let him work on his problems alone.

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I don't think you should wait any time at all for someone who's a drug addict and a drunk. A lot of your problem seems to be that he probably prefers alcohol and drugs to you. People who are seriously addicted to substances have problems performing in bed and also with intimacy etc. because their one true love is the drugs/drinking!

 

You don't want a partner who is into drugs and behaves like this. So there is nothing to wait for. Move on and find a normal guy without substance abuse problems.

I'm not making excuses for him, but I just wanted to make clear - he's not a drug and drink addict. He smokes weed mainly, but during binges he'll do MDMA. I know it doesn't sound good. But now he's home from uni for good he won't be doing that any more and weed rarely. The thing is I know you're sort of right - like I reckon the main reason he broke up with me is so he could have that binge 3 weeks. I think the love went away for him the minute I started begging him not to break up with me. And the feelings went away for me when I saw what he's become through those 3 weeks. I know he'll get back to himself eventually, well that's what I'm clinging to anyway.

Knowing this now, do you have any other advice. Or should I still stay away? If so, do you have any advice to do this? I'm really struggling atm, I haven't contacted him for 2 days but I feel I'm about to crack!

Yeah you shouldn't wait. You're wasting your time on this guy.. As much as you love him, which I totally understand, he is messing up his life and dragging you down with him. He is in no state to genuinely love somebody , as he is too preoccupied with substance.

 

So.. To save yourself a lot of future heartache.. Better cut of the contact. You could explain to him that you waited long enough (and really you shouldn't have waited for someone to make up his mind about you, it is humiliating - but I understand why you did it) and that you need him to man up and make some decisions. He cannot have you hanging on a string like that, it is cruel. I think you should cut off the contact and let him work on his problems alone.

 

 

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I know what you're saying. We haven't been hanging out for long - maybe, 5 days now? It was only last Monday we went out for drinks? ... I do feel really pathetic and humiliated feeling like this. Though I tried to bring up the other day that I didn't want to wait around, he just got mad. Said that he wasn't going to let me rush him, that he needed time to get back in with all his friends and even though it's selfish he needs time to himself. Which I think I do understand... but ..."One day, maybe" ... what does that mean? That's what's really ed my head up you know... . I want to let him go, I mean I don't even really like him as a person right now. But it just keeps getting harder with each day. We haven't spoken to each other for 2 days now, I've been the one to always text him first anyway, so now that I'm not, we're not speaking. So, do I just continue to resist contacting him? What if he contacts me? Doesn't that mean he's into the idea of trying?

"One day maybe" means he can take it or leave it.

Don't you deserve BETTER than that?

Don't you deserve to be with someone who's crazy in love with you?

I think you do, anyway. We all deserve that!

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

>>he's not a drug and drink addict. He smokes weed mainly, but during binges he'll do MDMA.

binging on any drug is a sign of addiction and addictive behavior. And street drugs like MDMA can be exceedingly dangerous and lead to permanent brain damage because it is backdoor alley chemists who create these drugs and they can be contaminated with all kinds of things or in combinations that can do permanent damage. A 3 week binge on that drug is truly terrifying (and you should be terrified) as he could be doing permanent damage to his brain and body on that, and that binge is not normal recreational use at all and a sign that he has big issues.

Really, it is time for you to stop making excuses for him. And don't date guys who 'binge' on any kind of drug or do things like weed on any consistent daily/weekly etc. basis. the bottom line is he is having more fun taking drugs than he does with you. And you have no clue how much drugs he is actually taking and can only guess at that because addicts lie about their usage.

He'll find a local drug connection and spend his summer blasted on drugs. Far more interesting to him than you are. You really need to take heed of that and recognize he's not that into you. If you have to beg a guy to see you, he doesn't really want you and has better things to do than you in his own mind. Go find a guy who is into you and one who is not rotting his brain with binges on dangerous street drugs.

"One day maybe" means he can take it or leave it.

 

Don't you deserve BETTER than that?

 

Don't you deserve to be with someone who's crazy in love with you?

 

I think you do, anyway. We all deserve that!

 

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

You're right I guess. I wish you weren't haha.

Though only a few replies they all say the same thing. It's down hearting. I really wanted someone to encourage my ideas! trololol. ... but no, I need advice and if this is it then even though I don't like it, it's the right thing to do. THANKS!

btw, let me translate this: 'needs time to get back with his friends and time to himself.' That translates to: 'needs time to get with his friends to find a drug connection and sit around with his boys all summer blasting his brains out on drugs.' Seriously honey, wise up here!

Ah no. You're totally right

I wish he was the person I fell in love with, but he's not any more.

I am making excuses for him. Truth hurts I guess.

Thanks for helping me wise up! I appreciate it!

Ah no. You're totally right

I wish he was the person I fell in love with, but he's not any more.

I am making excuses for him. Truth hurts I guess.

Thanks for helping me wise up! I appreciate it!

 

Try looking at this in another way. He was NEVER the guy that you convinced yourself he was. Anyone can put on a temporary face to get close to a girl. The trick holding that in place after you get her. This is the true him. When he says stuff like "one day maybe" it doesn't sound like a loving boyfriend.

 

Like most drug users, he is probably skilled at manipulation and deception. Get out before his lifestyle bleeds into yours. Has he ever borrowed money from you? Asked you for loans? Had your stuff disappear?

Then give him all the time for himself he wants. He can come back to you if he is off drugs and has made a clear decision to be with you. That is, IF you are still available then.

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Sounds like the damage has been done. You're relationship is dwindling away and Ex sex is nothing.

It's like beating a dead horse. Nothing is coming out of this. He is backing off, wanting space now.

You cannot 'make' someone 'love you'. If it's not there, it's not!

"I don't want to wait forever But now all this has been brought into light I really want to get back together. I don't know if its because I still have feelings for him... or if it's just because its easier and more convenient to get back with him out of habit."

- Yes, it's all out of habbit.

"when I think I want to try it with someone else, he pops in my mind and I end up pushing the other guy away"

- Because you're NOT ready. You're not over your Ex at all yet. That takes time and doing what you're doing with your ex, you never will be able to move on.

It takes time... months, to work on accepting and moving on. YOu need to STOP all of this stuff re: the Ex now.

" I feel like I may lose my mind if I don't fix this somehow"

- As i've mentioned.. you cannot 'fix it'. He has a mind of his own and he isn't into you as he used to be, anymore.

This YOU have to work on accepting. Leave him be now. Work on YOU.

( You can't make someone love you).

I'm not trying to make him love me. I don't even feel in love him with. I just have some sort of feeling for him, and thats not even all the time... He told me on the night we had drinks that he had feelings for me. That's why I'm in this deep. I didn't imagen it all up just for the sake of complicating my life. When i say 'fix' i mean mending the damage, working on things.

But i agree with everything else you said. It does sound like he's pulling away and so i am just going to let him.

I realised today I can do better then all this any way. I've been so happy those 3 weeks he wasn't in my life.

I'm just going to live my life like I did those three weeks, cutting him off and carrying on going thinking he doesn't exist any more

So thanks for being honest it's really woken me up

You don't feel in love with him. He doesn't have romantic feelings towards you after sex. You have broken up twice.

I think it is past time to move on.