Unusual mother/son relationship???

I've recently started dating a man, whom I met on a dating site. He had said on the site he was 24, he's actually 21 and I am 25. I let this pass. He seems like a really nice guy and I've met a fair few of his friends who also seem very nice. Though we are not labelling ourselves as boyfriend/girlfriend yet, we are intimate.

He is a night time person, I am not. I have slept at his a few times, but 2 nights ago this is what happened -

We were intimate, and then at gone 4am he left the bed to go watch tv with his mum in her room........He didn't think this was weird. His reasoning was to let me sleep as I had an interview the following afternoon.

However I find the whole thing extremely odd!!! Just before he left, he had recieved a text which I can only assume was his mum, he seemed overly eager to answer it and shortly after he went to her. (They text and call each other even if in adjacent rooms) I did not here him knock on her door, nor wash his hands before going in.

I left, telling him it's pointless being there when he's in the wrong room. He tried to get me to stay by saying he'd stay with me, I said no. He asked if I was pissed off, I said no, he asked if I was being honest (I wasn't). The following day (yesterday) I txt him saying admittingly I am confused and uncomfortable with what happened and it'd be great to see him sometime soon even if just half hour. He replied saying he doesn't blame me for feeling this way (no explanation or apology and doesn't stack up for me, as then why on earth did he not only do it, but go about it like it's 'normal'?) He was seeing his cousin last night (not sure why he couldn't spare me half hour beforehand) and sure he'd see me soon to chat.

This morning I go on facebook, to find his has changed his profile pic to none other than his mum?! Odd timing or what???

No idea when soon is going to be, I'm assuming tonight. But I'm feeling that he doesn't seem to be in a rush to comfort me..? And not really happy with waiting.

I had wondered a day or 2 before this happened, what kind of relationship he has with his mum, seems my passing instinct was spot on. Now I think back and wonder at the little, tiny things that would be ok on their own, but add what happened 2 nights ago and I can't help but think the worst

I have talked to a few people about this, all think it is weird. I am trying to keep an open mind, perhaps there is a logical, reasonable, rational explanation.... Thoughts anyone??

Almost forgot - His stepdad and mum sleep in separate rooms.

The little things

- He leaves his shoes outside his room to show he has company and not to disturb (not sure why his mother would disturb him at night anyway, but what has happened makes me wonder if she also shares his room)

- After getting in from a night out a few days ago, of which I was out and he was working as a bouncer, his mum knocked on his room door after we got in, apparently to ask how his first night at work went, which I found a tiny bit odd that she couldn't wait when he had company and it was gone 4 in the morning.

- He told me previously, and jokingly, that his mum complains if he doesn't comment on her facebook.

- The night this happened, he'd arranged to see me late evening as he was busy 'tidying his room and had loads to do', on chatting to his mum when I got there it's apparent they'd managed to watch a movie.

- The night this happened, he spoke to me about how he likes 'freaky things' *intimate wise.

- He's into older women.

- Tghe night this happened, I didn't see him leaving his shoes outside his door, so I'm not sure if he did.

Now I know that these things are minute on their own, and could mean absolutely nothing, but add to it that he shares her room to watch tv, it all looks a little scary to me.

I've met his mum twice, only for short conversations, she seems like a really nice women. I know she has had issues with bulimia and drugs in the past (so has my date with drinking and drugs).

im curious to see what you are insinuating here... incest or just a momas boy? id love to pitch in with some advice, but seeing as my relationship with my mother is the opposite i.e. i dont like her and wont even let her hug me (bad parenting growing up) i don't really know what normal amount of closeness with a parent is, so any opinion would be a guess at best.

it could mean nothing, it could mean something... just sounds like he is close with his mom... the whole shoes things should bother you and neither should her asking about his work... if my mom was up at that hour I am sure that she would ask too...

There are also times where my mom and I text each other in the same house, but mainly because our house is big... she may have done it in order to not barge in on you two...

The facebook pic however is a little strange, but then again it could mean nothing.

talk to him about it...

Ugh, yeah, dysfunctional relationship. He's still quite young so he may eventually cut the apron strings, but right now at least he is relating to her in an odd way for a 21 year old. People can genuinely love their mother but leaving a GF you've had sex with to go hang out in Mom's bed at 4 am is darn weird.

Children of alcoholics or mentally ill people can be forced into caretaker roles and get overenmeshed emotionally with their alcoholic parent. The parent can turn the child into a caretaker where the child's job becomes keeping Mummy happy so Mummy doesn't drink or because Mummy can't function too well. So he sadly may be a victim of that and feel lots of obligation to caretake his mother emotionally and not separate from her emotionally as he should do as he grows up.

So this is a very new relationship and you probaby don't want to sign up for a lifetime of those problems... i'd just let it go, especially since he has already lied about his age and the situation is odd at best. There are tons of grown men who don't have these kinds of issues and you should go find one of them.

Honestly, I'm not insinuating anything other than this seems highly unusual to me, and I wanted to know if others have experienced it before. I'd really like to understand what is going on and move on as he really does seem nice, so does his mum. I'm just not sure how to go about this when he seems to be keeping me at arms length for now. The worse case scenario I can think of, is that there is some emotional incest going on, I'd like to think not sexual. I'd appreciate any opinion, it may help me decide what is best for me in the long run.

keep in mind that its mighty common for young guys to like older women, for girlfriends to have problems with bf mother relations and for mothers to have issues with new women entering their sons lives and "stealing" them.

He actually turned 22 a few days ago. Thanks for the opinions so far, really trying to keep an open mind. I also read somewhere that mummys boys can be more loving and affectionate?

My mother tries to do the same thing to me, but I WHOLEHEARTEDLY reject it.

For instance, I have plans to move from Texas to the far north to attend St. Lawrence University when I get my associate's in Houston, and she's absolutely livid that I'm "leaving her". I'm 27, going on 28 years old. When I was a kid she would go through my room snooping constantly, and would inspect my bathroom after every shower to make sure I actually showered and cleaned myself. It was so sick.

This situation sounds like emotional (not physical) incest to me. His behavior is definitely a huge red flag. Keep in mind, that if you get into a serious commitment with him the mother is probably going to come along with that. Dater beware!

perhaps, ive known some and they're usually freakishly needy and feel entitled to affection. then again, i was called a moms boy by my ex though im far from it. the ex turned me against my mum and sister. but honestly, to me this sounds like its pretty weird what ur bf is doing, but then again, i find hugging ones parent is weird unless youre saying goodbye for a long time, or just in case your plane crashes.

The gist I'm getting is he loves his mum to bits, which I don't mind. But where does that line cross into 'unhealthy?' We all have differing opinions on what is right and wrong. I admit that the little things are fairly 'normal' it's when they add up that makes it odd for me. I guess I'm hoping that his mum is unstable in some way, (Which sounds evil I know) and this is what he's been conditioned to do, however his ready acceptance of it bothers me. If he also wholeheartedly rejected it, I would feel much happier about the situation. I agree also, I'm verrrrry close to my dad, but we don't share affection in any intimate way whatsoever, we don't cuddle or kiss unless it's a bye. I have a feeling that my date is inclined to be affectionate in this way with his mother, much more than I am with my dad.

well whats his background? is his dad around? or is he "the man of the house"? (not meant as sexist)

Does he have trouble making decisions without confronting his mother first? (like asking permission)

Is there a trend where he has to make time for her during his day?

If he does stuff like this too then I would consider a problem here...

I'm really not sure, I haven't known him long. The fact he put me off that even as 'busy tidying', but had in fact watched a movie with his mum suggests that he does make time for her. Also he hadn't wanted to see me the night before, and assumingly they spent the day together. He also put me off once before, as he was spending the day with his mum. This had pissed me off as he was the one who'd said he'd wanted to see me that day. But then he surprised me a little by ringing in the evening and inviting me out with his friends. I've not thought about this line of thought, nor whether this actually means something or not.

Does he get defensive when you try to talk to him about this?

two things, i also consult my mother for certain things because she is funding my studies, so i dont feel the liberty to use that money as i please. i dont consider it mine. so if his situation is similar i wouldnt see that as weird. however, sharing your bed with your mum is freaky... do they cuddle and spoon? if yes, RUN!

Look, he's making himself very clear here... you express to him discomfort at his relationship with his mother, and what does he do, post a picture of his MOTHER as his facebook avatar, not a picture of you and him together. He is making his priorities very clear, and that is Mummy first!

Also, most 21 year old guys post pictures of their abs, or their car, or their GF, or themselves partying, or group shots of them and friends. They don't have their avatar be a photo of their mother! Again, more evidence of his enmeshed relationship with her.

One can love a parent to bits in a healthy way, or an unhealthy way. He's doing it in an unhealthy way. It SHOULD be a big thing for you... I wouldn't date a grown man who leaves my bed at his house to go crawl in bed with his mother in the middle of the night... sorry, just wrong, and if you keep dating this guy it is just the beginning of your troubles with them.

Agreed, its just your choice if you want to put up with something like this... down the road, she might start getting in the way of a successful relationship.

His background of what I know - mum and dad split up years ago, he doesn't seem close to his dad. He lives with his mum and step mum, who are in a relationship, he said they watch tv together in bed then go their separate ways, not sure why, neither is he I think but he said they're good for one another.

Whether they spoon or not I have no idea, I didn't follow him in, I simply txt a minute later asking him to come back and then left.

The facebook pic has thrown me massively, I completely agree that this is freaky & what is he trying to say by it???? You are probably right, he's sub/r consciously showing his priorities.

His background of what I know - mum and dad split up years ago, he doesn't seem close to his dad. He lives with his mum and step mum, who are in a relationship, he said they watch tv together in bed then go their separate ways, not sure why, neither is he I think but he said they're good for one another.

Whether they spoon or not I have no idea, I didn't follow him in, I simply txt a minute later asking him to come back and then left.

The facebook pic has thrown me massively, I completely agree that this is freaky & what is he trying to say by it???? You are probably right, he's sub/r consciously showing his priorities.

i think you should sit him down, give him a chance to give his side of things and then , if he sees nothing wrong with it and isnt willing to adapt towards the norm, you should probably leave that threesome and be glad you dodged that bullet. imagine his mum breast feeding your child? kidding

The facebook pic has thrown me massively, I completely agree that this is freaky & what is he trying to say by it???? You are probably right, he's sub/r consciously showing his priorities.

It is either his priorities coming out or he is trying to mock you and throw it in your face.

I'm sorry, I meant to say he lives with his mum and step*dad x Yeah I'm thinking to give him a chance, but he's hanging me on a string right now, not sure whether to wait for him to come to me, or text him now saying he has to see me now. But then if all is completely innocent, I'm shooting myself in the foot

oh, cos two mums would have explained a lot. well, you do have a legitimate concern here and deserve to know, so i wouldn't see it as shooting yourself in the foot. i mean, what other choice do you have other than taking the very risky path of accepting this and continuing the relationship and investing more emotion?

The shoes outside the door and asking about work are ok in my mind ...

the getting up after intimacy and watching tv with her are not ok ...

however just to get a different angle

I have two friends who go to bed about 8.30 of an evening ...they have tv's in their rooms and kind of

just use their bedrooms as their lounge , so if you want to see then etc you end up dossing on their bed with them like a sofa...

however I was typing this thinking to myself that it still doesn't really justify leaving you in bed at that hour to go

watch tv with her .....

I don' think incest is on the agenda at all here ...its just the way that family dynamics work ...( which admittedly isn't my cup of tea)

they obviously have a very strong relationship , which has no need so far for any boundaries as the step father doesn't appear to be concerned.

chelle86 -

Was he sheltered a lot as a child? or in other words, does he exhibit introvert like personality characterisitics?