Anger Management

So yesterday I found out that my ex had invited a bunch of people out, mostly mutual friends, to go to a concert. One of the people had been one of my best girl friends, not even that close to him except when he used to hang out with her with me there.... and I found this to be completely inappropriate on his part. I just felt like he is over-stepping his boundaries. There are some mutual friends that I can accept him still seeing and hanging out with; although, unfortunately, he met 75% of his current friends by dating me. But, my GIRL friends should just be off limits. The only reason he knows them is because of me and as the Miller Lite (i think?) commercial states- if you break up with me, you break up with my girlfriends too.

This all came to a head last night and I am definitely one of those people who keeps my anger in and all bottled up until it comes exploding out. We hadn't talked in the 1.5 months since we broke up but this was actually a getting back together relationship. We had dated before and had a breakup before. In the previous breakup, he would see my friends out and spend the entire night talking to them telling them how much he really did still love me, just that he couldn't be with me, he's one of those guys that always has to have everyone love him, even if they were MY friends. So he spent the time justifying himself to them. They, of course, being my friends, told me about it. It pissed me off to no end and I made that more than clear to him. So I thought, for sure, this time around he'd get a clue and leave my friends out of it.

So I was drunk last night, and very very angry. I called him and yelled at him and said completely inappropriate things to him that I know were absolutely out of line. I feel horrible about it today and I was just curious as to how many people out there have gotten into horrible screaming matches with their exes and said things that they shouldn't have just to hurt the other person. And also, tips on how to control this anger. I realize now I should have just, again, delt with it in an adult matter. Telling him, out of respect for me, he should let me friends be my support group through this as I have left his friends out of it. I was just SO frustrated though after having told him this repeatedly over and over in the first breakup and then have him do it all over again! And, he even admitted to doing it on purpose because he knew it would hurt me!

Anyway, actual point of this post is that I do think I have some anger issues and wanted to see if there was any good advice on how to resolve them. In the past breakups with guys I have had the same thing happen, even physically hitting one of them. I know my problem is that I am weak and take a lot of crap from the guys I'm dating and don't stick up for myself at the time and when we breakup all of that animosity just comes to a head and I get crazy psycho mean! And again, trust me, the things I said to him last night were things no one should ever have to hear. I knew his deepest insecurities and took every single one of them and used them against him....

That would irk me, too. But I recommend that you move on, put a big ol' smile on and pretend it doesn't faze you a bit. In fact...you're "Happy" for them.

I dont see the problem if he asked her out for one night. Maybe she likes the same music and he thought she would like to come. Maybe he had a spare ticket and she was the only person who could go. As you said the group was made of mutual friends. If it was an ongoing thing then mayeb you coudl have a beef wiht your FRIEND. You guys are broken up and as far as I can see it the end of it so why worry about him.

My problem with it is that he didn't have any friends before he met me, we broke up, and he continues to try to include all of the friends he met through me in all of his plans. He's just not being respectful of the fact that they are my support group and not his. What's more is that he knows that I would have LOVED to have seen this band too, but beat me to the punch by asking everyone that I would have wanted to go with me, to go with him. I just feel like he is competing with me for friendships. I am not going to justify why I felt it was innappropriate because I still do. My question was how to control the anger issues more than anything, and how to learn to get over the rage and not blow up at my exes like that. I don't like having the big blown-out fight but it always seems to end up that way.

We are definitely broken up but that's the thing- he is behaving in a way a psycho ex would. Still trying to hang out with all of my friends, constantly doing things that he knows I would want to do. But he is the one telling me I need to move on and get over it. I don't want to be with him but I don't want my best friends hanging out with him either. Again, I say mutual, but he never would have met any of them had we not dated. I have cut off all contact with his friends that I met through him out of respect to him. They are his support group through this breakup, not mine. And as I said, it hasn't been a one time thing. When we broke up before, he'd corner my friends, trying to like pursuade them to be on his "side" or something. He just won't let it be. I mean, yes, if they both happen to go to the same concert and see each other say hi and hug and catch up for a few minutes, that is ok with me. Just don't purposely invite my friends out to events you know that I might also be going to and also inviting them! And again, like I said, I've given up the boys- he's more than welcome to hang out with them as much as he wants. He just has to be selfish and try to take the girls or something too!

Well, I definitely see the problem with it. If you feel you have anger management problems, perhaps you should talk to a therapist about this, but personally I think this is one incident where the jerk had it coming. If he admitted he does this stuff to hurt you, well, he deserves to hear what a loser he is.

Don't make a habit of blowing up, though. It typically serves no purpose and makes you look like the bad guy, even if the other person provoked you. Trust me, I know this all too well from personal experience.

But this guy does sound like a leech and a backstabber...and if you tore him a new one, well...truth hurts, doesn't it? Maybe he'll get the message and back off.

I understand where you are coming from. I am faced with a similar situation. My ex (we dated for 3 years) is coming back here to go to university in August. She asked one of my good female friends if she could stay with her until she foudn a place of her own. My ex never asked me if it was ok, I personally see it as a sign of disrespect to not ask at least. My firned asked me if I was ok with it saying "we are friends first". I did the honourable thing by saying its ok with me. The fact that my friend asked me shows great respect and I figure why make a big deal of something so minor. As for the ex if she so chooses to disrepect me then she will reap the consequences of he lack of respect. Which really is just a continuation of our relationship. Too bad for her.

During the converstaion with my friend another female friend was present and said she would not allow it. I think women tend to be more territorial when it comes to friendships. Think of it this way, your friend are old enough to make decisions on there own and if they see it causing you pain then they should discuss it with you.

Plus maybe they really like him, you shouldnt make your friends suffer becuase of your issues. If he is a total idiot then I am sure they will see this in time. take the high road here, you have nothing to lose. Take the low road you haev everything to lose.

You dont want him to hang out with your friends who are girls?

Give the guy some space, its completely unfair to tell him who you want him to hang out with.

My point is who cares if he is doing it to hurt you. Your friends will soon see his true colours. Let him nail his own coffin, believe me there is no better feeling. Someone screwing themselves is much better than you doing it.

If you truly want to understand the anger issues, I applaud you. You're cut from a different kind of cloth than most.

Most people will say, "Aww heck,... it was just a slip... no big deal.... pretend like it didn't happen." Advice like this is some of the most misguided on the planet.

Exploding in rage doesn't happen for no reason. There's a very definite cause for it. And if a person doesn't understand it, they will be a perpetual time-bomb... which, by the way, is all the time working away unseen inside of our relationships. That anger is all the time applying force to our interactions... manipulating things... all the time watching for the next threat on the horizon... constantly reading into what something that just happened means for the future of the relationship.

So, your wish to understand it is a HUGE step... assuming it is a sincere wish... which I have no reason to doubt.

Here's a good start for how you can begin understanding that anger right out of existence:

All anger -- in all its various forms: jealousy, resentment, hatred, and all the rest of them -- can be tracked back to a single cause. In reality, that burst of anger has nothing whatsoever to do with what happens out there in the world of circumstances and people.

This I can guarantee you.

That anger was seeded in your heart LONG BEFORE whatever it is that transpires and REVEALS it to you.

OK, so what is the single cause of anger? Here it is:

All anger is the result of where we have unknowingly grabbed hold of a false purpose for our life.

I promise you... this is the real cause.

And you can test it for yourself.

If I go back and re-read your first post, one thing we could say is that you believe one of the purposes of your life is that you should be treated in a certain way (with respect, etc.). Now don't worry -- each and every one of us suffers from this same false purpose.

But for having it, look what it means for us. It means that wherever I go, whatever I do, I am all the time on guard for the slightest bit of mistreatment. And when I am mistreated, instantaneously my entire world comes to a crashing halt. And I'm left having to find a way to put the pieces together again. If I can't find a way to piece back together my world -- to draw out of people the way I think they should treat me -- I'm left with only one choice -- I blow up!

But that "blow up" was inevitable. It was "seeded" the moment I fell under the illusion that they way other people treat me somehow gives or takes away something real from my life. I assure you it doesn't. You can have the approval of all but one person on the planet, and it will be that one person who has the ultimate power to make or break your day. In the face of that one person's disapproval, all the approval of all the other people is valueless.

To be free of the need for approval... ahhh... that is a freedom few people ever discover.

So, what this all means is that if I want to break out of the cage called "Rage" -- I am going to need an entirely different purpose for my life.... which begins with first seeing the need for a new purpose.... and that is what this post is all about.

If you want to free yourself of years of useless struggle, promise yourself that you will never again try to deal with a disturbance (whether anger or anythng else) by trying to fix or change people and circumstances around you. It doesn't matter if you find some way to get everything into perfect balance. It is the nature of them to change. After all, this life IS CHANGE. And realizing that is the ultimate freedom.

In reality, we all suffer from a broken heart. If that's too "romantic", you could say we all suffer from a broken mind. It is only in restoring that heart and mind to their original brilliance that we finally see an end to what so far has been a source of constant pain and unhappiness.

I hope this helps.

You dont want him to hang out with your friends who are girls?

Give the guy some space, its completely unfair to tell him who you want him to hang out with.

No, I don't think OP is being unfair. Sounds like he's actually using OP's friends as a way to further manipulate. He should just go off and go away.

No, I don't think OP is being unfair. Sounds like he's actually using OP's friends as a way to further manipulate. He should just go off and go away.

Yes and thats for her friends to decide.

He's just trying to push your buttons to see if he still knows how you operate. Modify the parts and don't issue a user manual to anyone.

Right, that's why I say, just smile big, and if it should come up you're "Happy". But on your own time, reevaluate your friendship with that girlfriend of yours...

Yes and thats for her friends to decide.

If I'm being a good and loyal friend, I'm not going to socialize with someone who hurt my friend.

Hence the expression: "A friend to all is a friend to none".

If I'm being a good and loyal friend, I'm not going to socialize with someone who hurt my friend.

 

Hence the expression: "A friend to all is a friend to none".

 

I agree to a point. However a friend to all is a friend to none may not apply entirely here. Personally I dont think being friends with someone after they hurt one of your friends is necessarily a reason to drop someone.

The friends may have a very good relationship with the ex adn if its something simple as someone trying to push someones buttons the best advice is the advice you learn in elementary school. IGNORE him and dont FEED into his game. Leave your friends out of this and if anything have a talk and ask them what THEY think of the situation. Dont come out guns a blazing. Like I said before he will surely nail his own coffin.

Personally I dont think being friends with someone after they hurt one of your friends is necessarily a reason to drop someone.

Depends on the situation.

One of my GF's had a husband she was married to for maybe 12 years. He is a really nice guy. They have 3 kids together. He has been through a lot of ups and downs with me right along with her. So, when she up and left him for no good reason, I couldn't very well just stop being his friend.

But OP's situation sounds much more like a weird stalkerish headgame from the ex BF.

I would reevaluate my relationship with my friend and keep my irritation with the guy on the hush if I could.

But then again, who cares if he has the user manual? No need to move the buttons when the next operator might use them appropriately and give you good service.

These are both very good points.

I like the idea that all sources of anger are bedded in misguided purpose, but I think it's all just a fancy way of saying, lower your expectations, is it not?

This one went right over my head.

My point is simply this take the high road.

If you act in anger jealousy etc he wins.

If you drop your friend becasue you view her relationship with him differently than she does then you lose he wins. If you yell at him, you lose he wins. If you yell at your friends, you lose he wins.

All he is doing is trying to get arise out of you and its clearly working. He knows you have easily pushed buttons and you walked yourself down that garden path. I bet all my money he knew you would do this to. Again if anything have polite talk with your friend to get her point of view. Simple.

My point is simply this take the high road.

 

If you act in anger jealousy etc he wins.

 

If you drop your friend becasue you view her relationship with him differently than she does then you lose he wins. If you yell at him, you lose he wins. If you yell at your friends, you lose he wins.

 

All he is doing is trying to get arise out of you and its clearly working. He knows you have easily pushed buttons and you walked yourself down that garden path. I bet all my money he knew you would do this to. Again if anything have polite talk with your friend to get her point of view. Simple.

Yes, that's why I said she should just smile like she couldn't be happier about it. Not worth it.

Yo, Cuddles, I was referring to the post about anger management. I'm not so sure I understand this poster's position and would really appreciate his feedback on it.

Ok.....I think I just got that....That was deep.....painful.....beer......back to not thinking......

Gosh! Thanks for all of the responses guys! Yes, first and foremost I was posting here because I wanted to get to the cause of the anger management issue. I do realize that a lot of anger comes from the fact that we CANNOT control what other people do and when people do things that we perceive as unfair to us, it causes anger. I realize now that I should have not called him and yelled at him about it, I really just wanted to re-inforce to him how innappropriate I thought it was, and obviously did not handle it in the most mature way and I definitely regret that.

I have talked to the friend and she definitely sees things from my point of view. To answer one poster's question, no, they did not have a great friendship. He knew her casually from hanging out with me only. They never hung out on their own, talked on the phone, emailed, etc. And, as I said, I have fully understood MOST of my friends who still choose to see him and go out with him, as they were more *real* friends of his in that he would hang out with them without me sometimes, etc.

She was definitely one of those "friends to all is a friend to none" type of people and I have to give her a break here because she was just clueless as to how it might make me feel. She just took it as an invitation to a concert that she would want to go to. Once I reminded her of the way he would constantly fight me for attention (even when we were dating he'd cut me off mid-sentence if he wasn't the center of attention) and how he had acted when we first broke up by cornerning my friends and trying to get them to see things his way, she understood that he was using her and trying to bring her into the drama between he and I. And honestly, I think just rationally explaining to her that it would upset me if she went was enough for her to realize her loyalty to me and she is no longer going. (I might suck it up and put on my HAPPY face and go along with her actually. He is NOT going to keep me from doing the things I want to do and going the places I want to! And he is fully aware how much I like this band too!)

After the fight with him last night I don't really have to worry about future issues with him because he told me he "100% absolutely does not accept my apology". So my anger issues with him I will definitely resolve on my own from now on.

I have been going to a therapist for about a year now and have done a lot of work on my anger and co-dependency issues. I grew up in a household with an alcoholic and abusive father and I know that is where a lot of those issues stem from and I feel like I am constantly trying to work on them. I just wondered if anyone else had practical tips for what they, themselves, personally do when that uncontrollable and unreasonable RAGE starts going off inside. Things I can do, or things I can tell myself, just to I guess distract myself until I can think rationally. I am working harder and harder every single day to be the best person I can become and it just upsets me when I have setbacks like I did last night I guess.

Yeah, I do get there too. I also had a childhood that wasn't exactly conducive to well anything good. And I really do understand that sometimes it can make it hard to deal with things. Sometimes I do detach like you mention. I really don't want to deal with any pain or drama, so it seems easier to just back away at the first sign of problems...I will give you tips if I think of anything. What helps you?

Well, I'm actually usually ok until I get some alcohol in me I guess I could just quit drinking and probably be fine. Actually, I still get angry, I just internalize rather than explode. I just wish I could find a way to have a happy medium- stick up for myself and let people that are important to me know when something they have done upsets me when it happens rather than letting it roll off, accumulate inside, and explode.

inquiringmind_4u, this was an absolutely incredible post! I've struggled with exactly the issues you described in the beginning, and you articulated the reasons and backdrop in a way that has truly opened my eyes. Wow.

I wish you would consider writing a separate thread along these lines. This was just amazing.