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  1. #11
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    thank you all for responding. i just read it all- i've been out of the house all day, had ro get out.
    i will post again in a couple of hours. i really appreciate everyone's insight.

  2. #12
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    reponse

    hello friends,

    thanks again for everyone's comments, and my apologies for not responding earlier. i have been out with a good friend of mine all day, and only got home recently.

    let me just elaborate on some details, so you have a clearer picture of the context. we are both 25 year old new yorkers. he is a high school drop out prevention counselor and i am an immigration attorney. you can imagine how difficult all this has been for me to stomach since my profession is based on notions of honesty and respect for the law. also, i think it is important to mention (and i may be saying this to make myself feel better) that the teens he works with are 17-22 year olds. they are all kids in the system who are "aging-out" of the public school system and alternative programs need to be figured out.

    i completely agree with everyone's comments. we just had a talk, and i told him that i am willing to work on anything he tells me, but if he lies to me again, i am out. he decided to let me read his journal, but didn't want to be here when i did it so he is now walking around somewhere. when he gets back, i will ask him about his teen crushes. i don't want to be completely judgemental and equate it with pedaphilia, but the power dynamic of the student/teacher dynamic definately freaks me out. honestly, i am not sure i can do this.

    he is a very kind, mellow man. we have known each other since we were 19 (haven't been togethert that long by any means). the power dynamic in our relationship is definately off- i am a very strong personality and verbalize everything. he is the first partner i have had that i feel i can be completely honest with. i have told him i expect the same from him from the very beginning, and he has led me to believe that our relationship was built on complete honesty. it is most certainly not, and this makes me feel very betrayed.

    he is definately emotionally immature. he wants to give me what "i want" but that does not a relationship make! i mean, ****, i can get intense, but i feel that my husband should not be such a coward where he cannot share important things with me because he is so afraid of the repurcussions.

    he comes from a very repressed family- they didn;t even start hugging each other until i showed up. they are wonderful people, but don't talk about things that need to be put out there. i, on the other hand, come from a family that probably says too much, and we hurt each other sometimes, but at least we expose everything, and nothing is bottled up.

    he is the definately weaker than i, which has been a problem for us for years. i encourage him to be more open, more courageous, to speak his mind and not be afraid of confrontation, but it's his temperament to not do those things, and sometimes i feel guilty asking him to change.

    he is an awful, awful communicator. he is the kind of person who puts a band-aid on a gushing wound and expects everything to work itself out. he just doesn't want to deal. in the last few weeks, he's really been trying to show me he can change because i think he has stopped taking me for granted. i am worried that he is only doing counselling to keep me, and not because he really thinks he should change. he is in counselling now to tap into his feelings and to learn how to communicate better, and to figure out who he is. i never knew he was so emotionally repressed, it's really quite amazing. i feel like i am with a complete stranger.

    this whole teen crush thing is a whole new development. i am curious to see how things go when he comes back. there are obviously intense shame issues for him around this issue... and i am not really sure i can deal with it. i work with teenagers as well and i am worried it will impact my own work since i will constantly be thinking of it.

    anyways, thank you all for your comments. please, keep them coming.

  3. #13
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    i think it is important that a differentiation is made between what he is doing and pedophilia and I glad you are doing that.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedophilia

  4. #14
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    update

    well, my husband just told me has had 2 crushes since he has been working with teens- one is 17, the other 18. he has talked with co-workers (also married and in their mid-20s) who say it is not a big deal.

    anyone out there in the education field who can give me some insight?

  5. #15
    Bronze Member RandomAdvisor's Avatar
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    What does he mean when he says "crush" exactly? I'm sure you've seen the way many young high school girls dress these days. School staff are expected to (and should) act in a professional manner, but in the end they're still human beings too. If his attraction to these girls is purely/mostly physical, then maybe this whole thing is being blown out of proportion a little bit. On the other hand, him connecting with these girls on an emotional and personal level would be troubling.

  6. #16
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    well, he says it is totally physical. he had one on a student last year and one this year- the last one got transferred to an alternative program a few weeks ago.
    after i questioned him about it, he said he masturbated to thoughts of them a couple of times. so i guess it is physical.

  7. #17
    Platinum Member Scout's Avatar
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    I wouldn't call this pedophilia, although legally it would be if he slept with anyone under 18. To be honest, I bet lots of teachers harbor some thoughts from time to time about their students, including female teachers. Let's face it, has anyone ever seen the movie Varsity Blues?? Those guys were cute!!

    But...fantasizing and actually acting on these thoughts are two entirely different things. Of course, the problem is he told you he crushes on these young girls, so of course you're now going to always wonder.

    I'm not sure I advocate knowing every thought in our partner's head is such a good idea for keeping a marriage secure.
    If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise.

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    Bob Ross rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOpF_ZGD4Ps

  8. #18
    Bronze Member RandomAdvisor's Avatar
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    If it's purely physical then I really wouldn't worry about his attraction to these girls.

  9. #19
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    really?
    i find it despicable... he is a teacher, and he has desires for his high school students. honestly, if it was friend or something, i might even be able to shrug it off. but it is my partner... this information is too much for me to handle. not only do i not trust him at all, but now i have lost all respect for him. i don't think i can repair this... and i don't think i want to.

    what troubles me is that he did spend a good amount of time with these girls, in a mentorship capaicyt mind you, so there must have been something about their personalities as well that worked for him, right? or do men really not factor in immaturity and other undesirable flaws when they have a physical attraction to someone?

  10. #20
    Bronze Member RandomAdvisor's Avatar
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    Well, it's my opinion that this isn't much to worry about. I don't think his attraction to these these girls is at all unique. Any heterosexual man with a pulse in his position would be physically attracted to them. Masturbating while thinking of them? Maybe, I don't know. The only thing out of the ordinary I think he did was tell you about it and write it down when someone else could potentially read it. I think we all think of things that others would consider wrong, but they are just thoughts and nothing to be ashamed of. I'm hardly the most religious person in the world, but this makes me think of that saying "Temptation is not a sin."


    or do men really not factor in immaturity and other undesirable flaws when they have a physical attraction to someone?
    I can't speak for all men, but I know this is possible. I myself have been physically attracted to women and totally turned off by their maturity/personalities. I would never consider a relationship with them, but that doesn't mean I don't find them physically attractive. Perhaps a common example of this is porn? Of course the women all look physically attractive, but how many guys would actually want anything to do with them?


    That being said, in the end this all comes down to how you feel about this. If you have lost respect for him over this, then perhaps your relationship can't be saved. You should think seriously about it before ending your marriage though, which I'm sure you will...
    Last edited by RandomAdvisor; 02-06-2006 at 07:29 PM.

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