ShySoul

I also feel that if others perceive something about me by the way I dress or look, that has just as much to do with them and their personal opinions and biases. They have every right to feel as the are going to feel. But I learned long ago to not judge a book by its cover. How many tech companies create devices that change how people live, make bundles of money, and have lax dress codes? How many times has someone been dressed up nice and proper, only to be found out to be a rude jerk? We're in an age where people can work from home in pjs and be just as productive as wearing a suit in an office. Appearances can be deceiving. How you look on the outside may not be accurate to who you are on the inside.

For me how I look does not make feel good in the slightest. I will do what I need to for basic health and hygiene. That's just being respectful to myself and ensuring I can stay healthy enough to keep living. Otherwise, I couldn't care less. Clothes are there to protect me from the elements (and protect the eyes of the innocent from a sight that doesn't need to be seen 😉). They don't reflect the real me. My physical appearance is also not the real me. So I honestly don't see how looking better would make me feel better about myself. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what does looking good even mean? Good by whose standards? What I would consider looking good will vary wildly with what others will think. If its all a matter of individual tastes and preferences, is it something I really want to devote much time to? If I'm more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt then the latest trend, what difference does it make? I've always been more focused on the inner world. The body is a shell. Who we are lies within... our thoughts, our emotions. I feel good when I can find peace with all the swirling thoughts in my head. I feel good when I am acting from my heart and helping someone in need. I feel good when I use my imagination to build something creative. It all comes from traits within me, not outside of me. And I feel the same with others. I won't be able to say what you were wearing five minutes after we part. But I will be able to say how you made me feel and the kind of person I sensed you were. I'd actually say its the reverse for me. When I feel good, I think I look better. Think that in general. When a person is truly happy with themself, their aura shines. It doesn't matter the outfit, the body, the accessories.. they have a natural confidence and belief in who they are and what they are doing. That will draw people to them. I keep the same look on the outside. But its when I've stopped caring about how I appear and just focus on being the real me inside, that's when I've got compliments on both sides - internal and external.

Armyguy, I understand how it is when you really like someone. Even when you know its not going to work out, you still want to cling to that hope. You still believe something will change. When someone gets in your heart, you can't just move on and try to meet someone else. Your heart wouldn't be in it if you tried. So don't try. Don't try with her and don't try to meet anyone else. Right now should be about you. Put a pause on relationships at all. Give yourself and your heart time off. Take time to feel all the emotions you are feeling and go where that rollercoaster takes you. Take as much time as you need. This is your story, no one else. Be as close to her as you want, while respecting her wishes if she isn't interested romantically. Be a friend because (contrary to what many will say) being friends with someone is usually a good thing. Focus on enjoying your life and having fun yourself. Eventually, you will be okay and find yourself in a better mindset.

You said you were done and didn't message him. He returned in kind. Sounds like both of you came to the conclusion you didn't want to continue. You were perfectly justified in being upset. In a relationship you actually want to be together. If he wasn't able to be around and spend time with you, then he wasn't in the right space to be having a relationship. You shouldn't be expected to stay in a situation that clearly wasn't making you happy. In my opinion it may have been better to actually tell him it was over and why. That could have provided the closure you now seek. It also would have been nicer to him and may have left him with something to think about. As it stands now, he may actually see you as the one who left him and not realize what his actions did to you. Not saying you were wrong, just that clean breaks tend to be better for both parties. Reaching out to him is not necessary. However, its not about what is necessary, its about what will make you feel better. If you believe you'll be better with one last contact, saying your piece to him... You should do it. If you are okay letting this be how it ends, then don't talk to him. Every person has there own way of healing and finding closure. Do what feels right for you.

Sorry for your loss. If you do get another one, I'm sure it will be loved tremendously.

When I was 22 I chatted with a 14/15 year old girl online. We communicated on and off for four or five years. I never tried to hit on her or insinuate there could or should be anything between us. I just thought she was a remarkably mature, intelligent and fun person whose conversations I enjoyed. Was I being creepy or doing something wrong? I find it interesting how quick people are to label someone they don't know and haven't interacted with. Could she be a bad person who he should avoid? Sure. Could she be an okay person who made a really bad mistake? Sure. It's good to be careful and cautious, but why assume the worse of people. Not everyone is a predator with ulterior motives.

I just mentioned her age because I knew you were bound to get people saying that's inappropriate and telling you to forget her for that very reason. The point was to say that it doesn't have to be an issue depending on the people involved. The lie is the real sticking point here. It wasn't right and wasn't fair for you. But trying to put myself in her shoes, I can understand her reasoning. You see the instant reaction everyone here had - she is a creep who is manipulating and grooming you. It's entirely possible that was the reaction she thought you would have. And once you start with a lie, it becomes harder and harder to stop. Telling you the truth would lead you havig to decide if you were okay with her age, would hurt you from the lie, and risk ended a friendship. Perhaps she was just too scared to face all that. Doesn't make it any less wrong or sad, but I'm just trying to think of all possibilities before reaching a conculsion. I'd look at the entire relationship. Has she said or done other things that you find questionable? Has she tried to pressure you in any way? Has she actually tried to scam you? When found out, did she try to cover more or is her explanation in line with what you know of her? You didn't even say if you were officially in a relationship with her or where exactly things stand in terms of romance. I gather you are at least considering it. When did those feelings start coming up, from either side? One moment or action doesn't define a person or a relationship. It's the pattern that counts. So look at the pattern and decide just how well you think you know each other. I will agree though to not get too attached if you have not met in person. Having a friend online is fine. But don't get ahead of yourself and think there is a deep romance until you are physically around the person. In the end, none of us know her or her motivations. All we can do is speculate. You are the one who actually knows her. So trust your instincts. If you can't take the lie, then stop things. But if you still believe you can continue talking with her, then do so. I'd be cautious, as someone who lies should understand they need to earn that trust back. The call is yours.

How well have you gotten to know him? Why did you start talking to him outside of class? Him kissing you may have been inapproriate given that he's your instructor, but that doesn't necessarily make him a creep. You are both adults so this is legal and entirely up to the two of you. You responded to his attempts, for whatever reason, so it's not like he was forcing you into it. You've known him for a year, so unless he was playing a really long game, it probably wasn't his plan all along to seduce you or anything, We'd need more information before we can faily perscribe a motive to him. For all we know you just got along well and he felt you were someone he could talk to. Maybe feelings developed naturally and he really does care about you. The important thing, for this or any other situation, is to figure out what you want. Only pursue something if it's what you truly want and believe will make you happy.

That's not a good reason to have a relationship of any kind. You should want, and deserve, to be with someone who you share a special connection with. It should be with someone where there is a mutal love and respect, someone who you care about and want to have these experiences with. You admit to not being emotionally ready for something, so why would you put yourself in that position? It's not fair for you as you'd be giving these precious firsts to someone you don't really have feelings for. And it's not fair to him as he might become attached to someone who has no interest in a future together. It's natural to want to continue. At your age I was just like you - introverted with few friends and zero relationship experience. For that matter, zero hope of anything happening. I wished everyday to find someone, to be able to know what it all felt like. But I knew the moment had to be right and it had to be with the right person. To give into something just for the sake of finally having the experience, would have left me feeling icky with myself. I don't think I coud have fully enjoyed it. But when the right person did come around, it was perfect and made even better because I had waited and saved it all for them. Listen to what your heart is saying you should do. If you have doubts, it's probably not the right thing to pursue. When it's right, you just know it's right.

First off, age is just a number that indicates when we were born. It doesn't say anything about us, our personality or our level of maturity. Some people at 15 are more mature then others at 45. The age gap doesn't have to mean anything if the two of you don't want it to. My brother once had a relationship with someone ten years younger then him. She was 15-18 while they were together. She was very mature for her age, both in terms of looking older then her age and that she was already taking college classes. She came from a very open-minded, liberal background. So her speaking to someone that young also doesn't have to indicate there is something wrong. It could just be a matter that you clicked well and she was embarrased by it, scared that she might chase you off because you would find it weird or uncomfortable. That she lied about is a problem though. Have you talked with her on why she did? If not, you need to do so. I'm guessing it started off innocent, but became harder and harder to say anything as time went on. Once you start a lie, you often end up having to keep the lie going because it's more difficult to extract yourself from the situation. Though if anything is going to happen long term, you need honesty and she needs to come clean. As for the other guy, every relationship is different. Every relationship is unique and special in its own way. You would not be a replacement, it would be an entirely new situation for both of you. Yes, they had a special chemisty that won't exist between the two of you. But you also have a special chemistry with her that she didn't have with him. If you're uncomfortable with this, talk to her about it. That's what friends do. That's what couples do. They talk about how they are feeling. But remember, it's not about what relationship she had with someone in the past. It's about the relationship she is choosing to have now, in this moment.

I agree, you write beautifully. Have you considered channeling your emotions into something creative? A journal, poetry, stories... I think you'd be good at it. It's also a good way to work through the things on your mind. It's often easier to express yourself in writing through characters that aren't you but can speak with the voice you might not be comfortable using out loud.

In his own words he is a "content" man. I'm guessing this is where he is in his life and he's fine with it, so his actions would probably be the same regardless of who he is around. Always been my experience that people are who they are and rarely change. Their actions are pretty much the same regardless of other people involved. And the ones that will change or go out of their way, it's for someone they share a long history with. Really, it's all speculation that's irrelavant now. Mamabear, as long as you are happy, that's all that matters. You wasn't right and there is a better guy out there for you.

You've just gotten out of an abusive relationship. You also got out of a ten year relationship. It really would be wise for you to take time out of relationships all together. Take time for yourself, enjoy being single. It's natural to want some form of attachment. But you'll be better off in the long run if you take the time to be on your own and see you can be just as happy without being reliant on someone else. I've seen people rush into other relationships. It usually ends pretty badly. Not make that mistake.

I too often think about fading away and disappearing, wondering if it would really change or impact anything or anyone around me. I would never commit suicide though. But I knew how overwhelming the emptiness can be. And I've spoken to a fair number of people who struggle with similar thoughts. So if it's any comfort, know that you aren't alone. Therapy is not always the go to solution that it's often made out to be. There are plenty of bad therapists who can actually make the situation worse. I'm sorry you had to encounter one like that. Know that was on her, it wasn't you. Therapy can be good for some people, but it takes the right therapist matched with the right patient at the right time and saying the right things to someone who is ready to listen. In this regard, do what is right for you. If you think you need, pursue it. Look for ways that might be more affordable. But also know that in the end the strength to get through this will not come from external sources, it's within you. You've been the strong one enduring things this whole time. You're stronger then you probably realize. And that strength can and will make things better. It's just a matter of taking things day by day and focusing on one thing at a time. If you are having issues with your mother (something I completely understand), best course is to just avoid her. Focus on getting out. Even if that means spending hours in a park or library (two low pressure places for socializing), do it. Is there an activity you enjoy? Something that gets you out? It can be solo so to not cause you anxiety. The point is to get your mind off of what bothers you and onto something that makes you feel good. What kind of work are you looking for? There are plenty of jobs that are geared towards written communication. Probably 80-90% of my day is either working by myself or communicating by email. I've also struggled with conersations, feeling like I have nothing to contribute. It's usually because I don't share much in common with those I'm around. I'd advise not thinking about it. Doing so just causes more anxiety and you'll freeze up more in a self perpetuating cycle. Instead focus on you. Is there something you are passionate about? Books, animals, plays.... anything? Dig into that. Then find someplace that you can explore that topic. I find that when it's a topic I'm passionate about and I'm with someone else passionate about the same thing, it at least helps warm the ice and makes conversation a little easier as there is a built in topic we are already excited by. Hang in there. Every house starts shapeless and the foundation has to be laid piece by piece. You can do it. One day I'll bet you don't just see a house, you'll have built yourself a mansion.

Open, honest communication free of judgement is the key to most things. Tell him just what you said to us. Say you are willing to try whatever he wants, but that you want to make to make sure you are both okay with it and enjoy the experience. Make clear that either of you are free to stop something if it is no longer pleasurable for you. And set any groundrules for things that either of you may not be up for. That's simply partners showing love and respect towards each other. Otherwise, have fun. In and out of the bedroom, just continue to show him love and support. He feels safe enough to let you into something very private, so you are doing something right. Keep doing it.