catfeeder

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Maria. I think most anyone can appreciate the reflex to hope for a reconciliation. While it sounds as though your part in the cycle you described may be the regret you focus on most, it might be helpful to remind yourself that you were reacting to a problem that made you very unhappy. You may want to shift your focus to what you sensed about his behavior that caused you so much pain in the first place. He didn't give you verbal warnings of his unhappiness, but you sensed them. While this may have prompted you to behave in ways you would take back if you could, it's unlikely that this would have changed things. He wasn't willing to offer you any opportunities to address this with him. That may be the thing to consider carefully rather than beat yourself up about what you could or couldn't have done differently. This man was not giving you the closeness and the intimacy you wanted and deserve. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll write more if it helps.

I don't see a point in using dating apps for any other purpose than to meet people in person. I don't have an interest in anyone who hides behind a screen. You asked to meet up, she said no. I'd have told her that I understand, it was a pleasure messaging, and if she ever changes her mind, she's welcome to let me know. And that's that. Ball in her court. Fantasy-building online is a time waster, and plenty of catfish know how to build a social media cover and play shy to get you to open up and reveal stuff. Skip that. With millions of people in the world, I'd put the messaging to rest and start conversations with other people who DO want to meet up in person.

I'd gently tell husband that I've always considered us to be a team on the same side. I'd ask him to consider that, because I'd like for him to let me know if he's ever willing to approach a discussion with that in mind. If he reacts in anger, I'd just listen. When he's done I'd repeat that I want us to be on the same side again.

'It' is not something that happens 'to' us. WE are the drivers of our own experiences. Whether we're passive or proactive about that is up to us. When you're in hell, don't stop there--keep moving FORward.

"How about if we revisit this over a list of some things you believe that I can do to help you, and we can discuss them? I'm open to productive suggestions." Waiting until you boil over to confront her doesn't exactly open any doors to productive conversation, just her reaction to feeling accused. Have you been modeling the kind of behavior you'd prefer from her? If both partners are shut down--and sleeping in different rooms--there's really nowhere for the marriage to go. Are the two of you isolated together, or have either of you cultivated any friendships outside the home? Other couples can model for us and enliven in us a healthier way of relating with our own partners. Have you consulted an attorney? Would you have an option of moving in with your parents to separate? Once you learn what options you have available to you, you'll be better equipped to make informed decisions rather than operate on emotions alone.

There is natural grief, and there is 'complex' or 'complicated' grief. There are good people who are trained to help those who suffer the latter. Why is it that most have no problem hiring a plumber or a tax accountant when they need those specific areas of expertise, but when it comes to one's entire quality of life, they would view suggestions of pursuing that specific area of expertise as an insult. Why? Nobody's suggesting that healing equals forgetting or pretending there's been zero impact. And certainly nobody believes that healing is instantaneous. By the same token, healing requires one to participate in self care--whether it's to apply medicine and wrap a wound, use crutches for a limb in a cast, or follow instructions after a surgery--when it comes to mental and emotional healing, there are certain practices that aggravate and inflame a wound, and there are others that advance progress toward comfort If any degree of comfort is desirable to you, then pursuing that course rather than aggravating your own wounds is a reasonable course to suggest. There are people who are trained to aid those who are grieving and those who suffer other stresses. You don't need to suffer alone.

Most people who date can point to their first 3, or 10 or 100 that didn't work out, because most people are NOT our match. That's why people use online meeting sites and don't even go on full dates until they've set up quick meets for a cup of coffee or tea first, to check one another out. The high majority of those meets end with a polite, "It was a pleasure to meet you..." with zero follow-up from either person. It's a needle-in-the-haystack thing of sorting through the numbers, and those are just natural odds. And that's not because either person who meets is 'bad' or 'despised,' but rather because each person views others through a fine lens that won't click with most people. We don't own the capacity to see and appreciate the unique value of all others. So simpatico is rare. It's supposed to be rare, or what would be so special about it? There's a lid for every pot, or some such saying, because it's true. Online dating used to be a creepy thing, and now most people use it. Not to set up full dates, but for 'speed meeting' where they set up 15-20 minute coffee meets. They agree that neither will corner the other on the spot for a 'real date,' but rather, either can invite the other afterward. If the other accepts, they respond. If not, then no response is necessary. So this is the context for socially acceptable 'ghosting,' and people do it all the time. Resilience is not an innate life skill--it needs to be self-developed. Lots of people your age have never even had 3 dates. But if you've had 3, then you can land 3 more. And 3 more. Just don't make them real dates right off the bat--set up quick meets over tea or coffee, treat each person as a respectful stranger rather than as a 'date', and allow bad matches to pass early. Those WILL be in the majority, and that's true of everyone. Rejection is nothing more than recognizing that an equally valid puzzle piece doesn't fit one particular puzzle--so try another. You can spend your bandwidth nursing that soul crush and drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of, or you can view it as having been asleep to the idea of romance for most of your life, and now you're awake. So here you are--play the hand you're dealt. You can now make becoming datable a project. You can create steps, tasks and milestones. Work this with your therapist. Pursue online dating, meetup.org groups, interests in hobbies and socializing with all ages, sexes and backgrounds who you meet around those interests. Consider this a social project that broadens your scope of life experience and does not recognize any other person of goodwill as a waste of your time to get to know. Especially older people. Those are your potential social mentors who've seen it all and can help you to appreciate your fallible humanity instead of sentencing yourself to feeling like a freak. Allow yourself to become THEIR 'project'. I live surrounded by Indians and Pakistanis who are generous and love teaching me about their cultures. We have little in common beyond enjoyment in sharing exactly what we do NOT have in common. If I, a white woman, can allow others to dress me up in saris and show me off at parties and puja rituals, then you can extend yourself to explore a bit, right? Don't close your mind. Some of the most fascinating people are those who've been raised in ethnic communities that they've grown to see as provincial and even ridiculous, and yet they are able to operate within them because they respect the limits of others. And those people tend to find one another and share their expansiveness while they also expand their own experiences of the world. You just never know who you might meet. Many women don't feel safe chatting with strangers during daily errands and commutes. Their priority is to get where they need to go safely, and strangers chatting them up isn't considered 'safe'. And this is why people tend to use online dating sites, meetup.org groups, community clubs or classes or events to meet people. Have you considered setting up profiles on dating or community sites specifically designed for meeting people?

This, or maybe the hot air balloon girl was just a douchebag?

Yes, ^^^ this. Her boss owns the knowledge and expectations of friend's increase in duties.

This is the kind of self talk that isn't serving you well, just the opposite. Grief is natural, but healing requires our participation. We get to choose whether we will use the voice we run in our own head to amplify pain and drill ourselves into a deeper hole to climb out of, or whether we will opt instead to use our internal voice as one of a gentle, kind and inspiring coach. Choosing to use your own voice to talk yourself into deeper grief prevents healing. It's not against the law, but it won't buy you anything of value, such as a glimpse of your skills of resilience and an ability to bounce back from less than desirable experiences. Head high, and consider using this forum as a way to practice the kind of self talk that can help you to heal.

Yeah, no. She's 'finding herself' deceptive and disloyal to you. Not exactly a positive outcome. If keeping this woman at any cost to yourself is your only goal, I have no good suggestions for you beyond a good attorney and a therapist.

I second this ^^^. I wouldn't even want a BF who didn't trust me, much less one who would go through my phone, or rally people against me. Skip that, and skip him. A relationship means being on the same team--not adversaries. If someone is unwilling to work through a disagreement so that the 'relationship' can win, he'd be of no value to me.

If you ask for the reactions of strangers, it makes no sense to call them rude for answering--unless you're really just here to argue. Why not tell your 'full story' to someone you trust, like your therapist?

You know more about your coworker than we do. Plenty of people are friendly and nice without necessarily flirting, and plenty of people flirt without necessarily meaning anything by it. I've also had lots of dreams with coworkers in them. What, exactly, would you like to happen with this woman?

It sounds like you both need help. Putting up with verbal abuse does neither of you any favors. Have you noticed?