My best friend got raped, how can i help her?

[DizzyDoris]

The title says it all unfortunately. On friday night my stunning best friend went out without her partner of 13 years. He works nights and her friend got too drunk to drive them home so she handed her keys accross the bar to stop her from drink driving. The landlord suggested they slept over. My friend helped get her friend upstairs and put her to bed. She can remember that she had 5 drinks that night (believe me, that is tame!) next thing she knows she seems parrelletic. Theres no way she would be like this after 5 drinks, tipsy yes but she would still have her wits about her. It sounds like her drink was spiked.

 

She only has flashbacks but can remember a man forcing her knickers aside, she remembers begging him to wear a condom and him sneering in her ear "nah, im gonna cum inside you" she actually knew this man, had been on a course with him all week. He forced her legs over her head and was so rough with her, plus he was 6'5. Her ordeal lasted several hours. She remembers his friend climbing into bed with them,but her attacker sent him away. She is in such a state its breaking my heart to see her like this. When she awoke she had no idea where she was and was horrified to see this man next to her. She quickly got dressed and tried to sneak out and he woke up and said "So, you gonna call me then?" then he laughed and said "i doubt it!"

As she left she had to pass his friends in the front room. She said that none of them could look her in the eye and hung their heads in shame and she heard one mutter "sorry..."

 

Her partner works nights so wasnt home that night, as far as he knows she went for a few drinks with her friend, then went home. Im the only person she's told and refuses to tell the police. She scrubbed herself in the bath as soon as she got home and washed her clothes straight away, so unfortunately has destroyed the evidence. Her jeans are torn around the waistband though. She refuses to tell her partner as she fears he will end up in prison after sorting this bloke out, so she intends on keeping it to herself and trying to just blank it out.

 

She knows my opinion, to tell the police and her partner, but she has her mind set. Shes so fragile and i feel sick that this has happened to her, and angry. SOOO angry. I wont betray her trust so any suggestions anybody on how to help her deal with this?

[Twilight_Dreams]

is she traumatised? maybe seeking professional help could be an option. tell her that keeping it a secret will inevitably lead on to more problems. too many people increase their troubles by not coming out into the open.

[This Little Lady]

I'm so horribly sorry to hear that!

 

Thats devastating.

 

I completely agree with you. She has to tell someone. She has to tell her husband and the police. She may not think he will be understanding of this but if she choses to let this dwell inside her its only going to get worse.

 

A friend of mine was raped, she never went to the police because she couldn't identify him. She said no one would believe her. It started effecting her emotionally, she couldn't go out in public, she had panic attacks everywhere she went, it sadly took a toll on her relationship with her boyfriend whose support she needed. She did not tell him until around 6 months into their relationship.

 

Your friend might need to go to counselling for what she has been through. I do not even know how you can stress that to her. Make sure she gets a rape kit done to make sure she is okay.

 

Do not allow these men do this to more women like your friend.

 

I am so sorry, I hope I helped in anyway I can.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

I am sooo sorry that this happened to your friend. I think that as a friend, you are doing all you can. You cannot force her to go to the police, and she's made it clear she does not want to do that. I think it will be very difficult for her to keep this from her partner, and in doing so she risks his sexual health because the rapist came inside of her without a condom. Is she on any kind of birth control to protect against pregnancy?

 

Probably the most you can do for her right now is to be there to listen and offer your support, whatever she chooses to do. But I would advise her to seek out a doctor to be tested for STI's, to pick up the morning after pill to protect against pregnancy, and to use protection with her partner if she isnt' already. Also encouraging counseling if she is willing to go might help her to deal with the feelings and emotions that are bound to crop up in the weeks ahead.

 

Hang in there, you are in a difficult spot- I wish you luck.

[Samedy]

Be there for her. My friend was raped in her apartment and I ended up being the person she confided in. Unfortunately, I was never able to get her to report it.. But I was just there for her..

 

I let her direct the conversation; sometimes it was about the assault, sometimes it was about other wrongs that happened to her (the assault brought up a lot of issues of depression, which brought up many other things).

 

You can provide her with the information of where to go... There are a lot of Crisis Centre's...

 

Also, during my friends ordeal, I ended up calling one of those lines (because she would not) just to get some guidance and direction.

[DizzyDoris]

Thanks guys for the prompt replies. I agree strongly that she should tell her partner, but she is adamant right now that he must never find out. She is sore, tired and very tearful. Her eyes are so puffy from crying i dont know how she will hide it from him.

 

I had a morning after pill so she has taken that and she plans on going to get checked out at the GU clinic next week. I will suggest councelling, but i really cant see her going to that. I wish she'd call the police. I bet she wasnt the first girl he's done this to and if she doesnt tell the police she wont be the last.

[Hope75]

Thanks guys for the prompt replies. I agree strongly that she should tell her partner, but she is adamant right now that he must never find out. She is sore, tired and very tearful. Her eyes are so puffy from crying i dont know how she will hide it from him.

 

I had a morning after pill so she has taken that and she plans on going to get checked out at the GU clinic next week. I will suggest councelling, but i really cant see her going to that. I wish she'd call the police. I bet she wasnt the first girl he's done this to and if she doesnt tell the police she wont be the last.

 

I agree with you Dizzy. It's a tough spot because without her pressing charges, not only will he not pay for this but chances are he will do it again if he gets away with it this time. Guys like that count on the fact that their victim will be so humiliated that they will not press charges.

 

Perhaps once she goes home and faces her partner she will find herself unable to keep it from him. Because it will face her every time he wants to be intimate and she does not, or cannot. I know I could not face my bf without telling him something like that happened to me, if for nothing more than his support and attempt to understand why I was behaving as I was.

 

Rape changes you. I was a victim many years ago at the hands of my (now ex fiance). I didn't press charges either. I just wanted to leave it behind me and not have to defend my charactor or bring up an ugly past that I was ashamed of. So I can understand where she is coming from too, as frustrating as that is for you.

 

But whatever she decides, you can only be there to support those choices and be there to listen to her.

 

I like the above posters' idea of calling a rape crisis hotline to get some suggestions on how to handle your conversations with your friend.

 

This is the US national hotline:

 

link removed

 

National Sexual Assault Hotline • 1.800.656.HOPE • Free. Confidential. 24/7.

 

I think you mentioned being from the UK:

United Kingdom

Rape Crisis Federation-Wales and England

Nottingham

0115 934 8474 (p)

0115 934 8470 (f)

info@rapecrisis.co.uk

link removed

[BYOB]

Might be a controversial reaction but I'll share it anyway:

 

In some way, your friend is lost.

Rather than losing her while she's lost, you could choose to lose her a different way. Quite a risky way, indeed, but when you think that it's the brightest thing to do, better do it. The best thing to do is to report the aggression to the police.

 

In other words, you risk either:

1: Lose her half-way to entirely due to her trauma although you can still consider her as a friend.

2: Break your friendship with the possibility that she later thank you. Either way she recovers faster because reporting undoubtfully solves the problem.

 

I don't know but I guess that I could only be thankful to someone who helps me if I wouldn't have the courage to help myself.

 

So, crazy hypothesis or something to consider ?

[DizzyDoris]

Thanks Hope for the phone number, i'll give them a call later on and see if they can help.

 

BYOB I appreciate your opinion, but theres no way i would go behind her back like that. She told me, because she knows she can trust me. Knowing my friend if i did do that to her, she would deny everything and i'd get done for perjury! I want her to tell her partner and the police, but i know it has to be HER desicion, so im here for her whatever she decides.

[NoComply]

how is she?

hope shes feeling ok

[xprincessbugx]

Has she decided to talk with her boyfriend yet? I think she'll come around and tell him after awhile.

[inexorable]

this post almost made me cry, sexual assault/rape and the act of degrading women is my biggest pet peave. i get seriously offended and enraged by the act.

 

personally... i think attempting to convince her to tell the police is the best idea. strongly suggest that she report this, if not for her sake than for the sake of the next girl that becomes victim to this man. shoot, at least convince her to tell you the location so you can go in there and put a bullet in his face. thats what i would do if any of my best friends or girlfriend was violated as such.

[DizzyDoris]

She still hasnt told her partner, i doubt now that she ever will. They are getting married in a few months and she doesnt want to spoil the wedding.

She is a very strong person and seems to be coping with all this remarkably well. She wont involve the police as her partner will find out. She just wants to forget it ever happened and seems to have pushed it to the back of her mind. I dont know if this will have long term effects on her? I would imagine it would.

 

if this had happened to me, this is not the way i would deal with things, but its her desicion and i have to support her whatever she decides. She knows im here for her if she ever needs to talk, but she really does seem to have swept all this under the carpet.

 

As for going to shoot this fella, guns are banned over here, wouldnt have a clue where to get one from, but that is precisely the reason she wont tell her partner. She knows he would track this scumbag down and end up in prison cos of him.

[cancatred]

Hello,

 

I just registered just to be able to answer this thread. Sorry, for me being completely an outsider.

 

I just learned my friend got raped too, and staying away night researching how I should react and act and such. This thread I came up and your friend's behaviors are the closest I could came up around. (So many rape victims, gosh. I feel even sadder by only this research.) How is your friend? She got around to it at the end, I assume since it's been 5 years basically... But I just want to have some base point, some hope. Did she have many breakdowns or have problems with her partner?

 

Just... can you give me some advice how you did and passed those times here... I'm stuck.

 

Thank you in advance.