What if I'M the jerk?

[DeeTeeCee]

hi everyone, i've been struggling through a recent breakup (initiated by the ex) which happened almost a month ago. It would have been 11 months of dating last week.

 

It was very difficult for me because it seemingly came out of nowhere, she cited that we just were not working. I agree with her that perhaps we weren't having the healthiest of times towards the end, but i hardly expected to break up.

 

Not to give excuses, but my schooling demands a hell of a lot out of me, and it's been quite an experience learning to balance that schooling with a relationship that i was serious about. Needless to say, i found myself frequently under alot of pressure and stress trying to please my ex with the attention and love i wanted to give her and at the same time meet the demands of my curriculum.

 

I know now that i may not have treated her with the best words and respect as i should/could have during arguments. Her biggest criticism of me when it came to arguing was that i would never accept anything she said as valid, that i would make her feel stupid, and thus we weren't communicating. Personally, i felt that she would only say this if i ever disagreed with anything she said and try to share my opinion, but then again i am known to be stubborn so i admit that i did not acknowledge things she would say to me as i should have.

 

Of course we had a bunch of other issues, but this seemed to be the one that broke the camel's back so to say.

 

Dealing with the breakup has been tumultuous to say the least. She initiated it two weeks before my final projects were due, perhaps the most intensive period of our (school's) terms. It took me nearly a week to really try and accept it and realize that i had made my mistakes in the relationship and that she had had enough of it.

 

But just before my final week was about to commence, it was my birthday. Now, i do not know her reasons for doing so, but she had made contact with me prior to my bday and was trying to be chummy with me. I feel like she wanted a 'clean break' and wanted for us to be friends on good terms. (Her personality is that of she can't stand people who are/have been close to her to either be on bad terms with her or think badly of her, a certain need for approval from those around her).

 

This all led to her taking me out to dinner on my actual birthday (a saturday) and throwing me a get together with a few of my buddies at a Dave 'n' Busters, along with buying me a camera i've been wanting the next night.

 

(I know this is getting long, i apologize). During this weekend, she hugged me, she told me she missed me, and even snuck in a kiss when saying goodbye. I was completely confused to say the least, was she moving on or not? Did I still have a chance or was this her way of saying goodbye?

 

From then til now, our contact has been minimal and mostly through text messages and short phone calls, none of which deal with the breakup/relationship but rather her trying to assert a friendly relationship between us (ie: what are you up to? my hw is killing me. what'd you do today?). I know many are probably thinking i should have gone NC, but i wasn't sure that it was the best route at the time.

 

What i feel like she has been doing is trying to use this break for me to realize my mistakes and make me realize what i lost, and part of me feels like i'm just thinking that she is being manipulative, but everytime i would try and bring up how confused she is making me and how i feel, she would only react with either 1) 'you gotta admit, we weren't working' or 2) anger that i was suggesting that i needed time to move on if she reallyl just wanted us to be friends.

 

Up til now, i've been giving into my emotions and feelings that have been leftover for her and doing nice things like seeing her off at the airport when she went to D.C. for a weekend or texting her encouragement during her studies. But more and more i felt like she was simply keeping me on a string for whatever reason.

 

When the lite communicating was going on, it seemed like she was just doing it to try and help me move along, encouraging me to hang out with my friends and doing other activities. It's just problematic that SHE was the one doing this. So i tried to tell her again last night that I basically need to be CRYSTAL CLEAR that we're broken up because so far it had been inconsistent.

 

She reacted nastily, saying 'fine, go see other people have fun.' and pretty much finally showed some emotion only when i brought up the notion of me not interacting with her for a while. she would say things like 'wow, so we're really over.' and in my head i'm thinking 'weren't you the one saying we're done about a month ago???' and again she cited that i never listen to what she says, she would start saying something but constantly stop, saying 'never mind, you're just going to ignore what i say anyway.' i replied 'ok,' half because i didn't want to get into an argument about it, and half because i was trying to give it more time before she felt comfortable sharing anything with me. but she immediately reacted more nastily with comments which i saw as attempting to put me on a guilt trip (ie: 'ok? fine. we're done. go on.' 'okaaay i won't talk to you ever again!')

 

I honestly don't know what to make of it, i'm still a bit confused because from her reaction it would seem that she expected us to become closer from the breakup, and that i shouldn't have treated it like a breakup(?). all i know is that for now, i really should avoid contact with her because to her, i still am a jerk who disregards her.

 

In my heart of hearts i do wish i could be with her again, but i don't know what to do at this point. I obviously bring her alot of pain and heartache through my actions, and i still struggle to deal with that. Perhaps it is best that she broke it off with me, i just wish i was sure of it.

 

Sorry, i know that was lengthy but i was trying to give the details that helped this make any sense (if at all). Any criticisms of my actions/words and feedback or thoughts or questions are totally welcome, i know i'm not perfect and that at times i can be a jerk and not be considerate of others, so i'm all for a 3rd party to perhaps help me realize things from an outside perspective.

[sidehop]

Maybe she's seeking that change she wants from you? To me it doesn't sound like a clean break up. More of 'if there is a possible chance' you change to her likings that she may take you back...is what I get from what you wrote.

 

I agree with you, in a sense she's almost trying to control you and/or trying to prove something after the break up as if she has been right the whole time. Or maybe that she wants to get a reaction, something good so you'll admit your mistakes completely and go back to her.

 

She sounds really confusing to me too.

[Scout]

You two are definitely at odds with your communication to each other. We need to call in the expert in that department....

 

DN.

[friscodj]

Hey DTC-

 

Oh yeah, I have some thoughts on this one...

 

It is so, so normal for someone on the receiving end of the split to find things they did wrong and try to "fix" them in hopes this will "win" the other person back. This is so, so common.

 

But healthy reconciliations are about both sides making adjustments. My experience has told me if you keep forcing this, keep throwing yourself at the situation, you might coerce her into getting back together.

 

But on the other side of the reconciliation, you will have an unhealthy and unbalanced situation. You have given up any stature you have in the relationship by forcing the reconciliation and placing 100% of the blame on yourself and she will know this. You will be perpetually trying to prove yourself, constantly trying to be perfect and make up for your mistakes while she sits back and takes advantage of her new pauper. Trust me on this, I have been here and done this many times...

 

Now...

 

What she is doing now makes perfect sense to me. In her mind, she's the "dumper" which means she feels she has been done wrong or does not feel anymore the way you do and thereforeeee does not deserve to grieve because of the separation. Right now, she is 110% about herself and her feelings. She feels it is owed to her by the situation.

 

With that said, when you try to pull away, she foresees the hurt this will cause her and thus lashes out in anger and manipulation to get you back and make herself feel better. This is a classic sign of relationship inexperience and emotional immaturity.

 

Of course you want to be with her again and that is 100% normal. What you really want is to reattach because the detachment is painful. This is your body's natural reaction to deal with the grief of the split.

 

My experience again has told me just because you are hurting and suffering, it does not mean you should get back together. I've said to myself, "Well, if I hurt this much, we must belong together". It doesn't work that way...

 

I also felt a tremendous amount of guilt, thinking my mistakes were causing all this pain. I wanted to go back, fix it, and it became a mission to prove this to myself more than anything; it became a situation about me.

 

Look, you're in school and in a demanding program of study. You did your best with what you had. Think of this as a test for your relationship. It didn't pass this test (not you, but think of the entity of the "relationship" here) and at least you got away clean. What if you guys got closer, there was a bigger challenge, a bigger test later on? Then what? It would have hurt much worse than this. All those other issues in the relationship would have continued to persist or even worsen and a break up would have been inevitable I think.

 

For now, you need to realize she does not want to be with you and is very much using you for her comfort here. You aren't going to "win" her back by showing her you are a selfless friend. Take it from me, you will only continue to tear yourself apart.

 

And I am always curious how people don't get along in a relationship loathed with tons of issues, arguments, etc. and then automatically assume they can have a good solid friendship! I don't get it! I'm baffled at the power of grief and denial in situations like this, and the propensity to "use" a "friendship" to cushion the break up.

 

Anyway, here, in this situation, your only viable option is to cut this quick and clean. Don't worry about what she has to say because you're not going to be around to hear about it! That's another thing that gets me in situations like this, why people are so concerned with what the other person will feel or say when you decide to take your balls back and do what you need to do to heal. You're not going to know!

 

She is gone. Her casual contacts tell me she has accepted such a casual relationship, unlike yourself. Her driving emotions are to keep herself feeling good about this, a smooth transition to "moving on" as evidenced by her quick switch to anger when you pull away. This is certainly not grounds for a healthy reconciliation. There is far too much emotional imbalance here. Forget about this one.

 

Cut this quick, cut this clean, do your suffering to yourself, and take your life back.

[Scout]

Anyway, here, in this situation, your only viable option is to cut this quick and clean. Don't worry about what she has to say because you're not going to be around to hear about it!

 

I cannot say I agree with this option, at least not yet. I would if she had broken up with him because she said she lost interest, didn't want to be tied down, wanted to be single for a while, etc., etc.

 

But she specifically said one of the main reasons they weren't working was because of how she perceived his communication style: as belittling to her, and discounting how she felt.

 

And now, she is making similar comments when they had their last argument.

 

I feel she is open to reconcilation, actually...but for some reason, she is still interpreting his words as hurtful and disvalidating of her feelings.

 

I'm not saying she's accurate about that, but again, maybe she is.

[DN]

If you are sure you want her back and you are sure you can (and should) make the changes that she seems to need, then I suggest you call her up and tell her you would like to see her as you have something to tell her.

 

If she agrees, then tell her that you would like to give the relationship another chance with the changes that both of you need to make in order for it to work.

 

That means that both of you are clear about what you want from each other, that you agree to listen (not just hear - but listen) to what the other wants and needs and are prepared to negotiate and compromise. Tell her that you love her enough to want to do those things for her and hope that she loves you enough to want to do them for you.

 

This conversation is not designed to be about blame - who did what wrong and when they did it. It is meant to be a conversation about how to proceed in the future so whatever went wrong doesn't happen again.

 

She may be a resistant to this idea but tell her that being just friends is not in the cards for you and that you would prefer to give the relationship another go but if she doesn't want to do that you will understand and move on.

[Scout]

Yes. This actually gives you power over the uncertainty you are currently feeling, too. You are waiting for her to tell you what your status really is...and I can understand the inclination to do so as she is the one who "officially" broke up with you...but as you can see, when you tried to make her tell you your status in your last conversation, it did not lead to the results you were looking for.

 

This may not either, but at least you will know that you did what your heart of hearts wanted to do, and that you were honest and direct and respectful when you communicated this to her.

[friscodj]

Her actions are pretty clear here...she perfectly OK being casual but when he pulls away, she lashes out and manipulates him back. She is explicitly stating here, through these actions, her place and desire from this situation.

 

If she was hurting too, both in similar places of struggle and doubt, I'd say give it some time, think it through, give it a go and hope for the best.

 

Here? I think (like he said), this argument and the subsequent reason of miscommunication was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. He states there were a "bunch of other issues as well" and I believe she has been gone for a while. What about those other issues?

 

Clearly, DTC is being used and I believe continuing to be used is going to continue to twist the stake in his heart. I think "miscommunication" is being confused with "incompatibility" here and seeing as they are in such different emotional places here (with DTC on the receiving end of this), he should call it good, you guys aren't a good fit for each other, declare an end to this unhealthiness, and move on.

 

I believe it is far too late for talking (if she even agrees to a talk). She both is and has been gone for a while.

[friscodj]

This may not either, but at least you will know that you did what your heart of hearts wanted to do, and that you were honest and direct and respectful when you communicated this to her.

 

Yes, I agree this can be used for you to help you move on in knowing you did absolutely everything you could. I've done that before, laid it all out there and was able to feel a bit better about my efforts.

 

On the other side of this, a big serious and epic talk might serve as a form of coercion for her, urging her to do something she doesn't really want to do. I've done this too. I've literally written my way back together, with an epic outpouring of emotions, poems, letters, etc. I've found that you can pour it on and "win" her back like this, but once the excitement of the idea of change wears off and she sees it's not as great as she thought, after that first argument, that it will take work on her side as well, back you go to square one all over again.

 

I think you are too emotionally fragile and hopeful right now. If you want to take some time, let all this settle, sit with this, and then present a balanced communication to her, I support that. I don't think you're in that balanced place at this point and I really do think she is gone.

 

And her immaturity as exhibited by her actions tells me she won't have the maturity and thus capability to do what it takes to nourish a balanced and healthy reconciliation.

[DeeTeeCee]

wow thanks everyone for their input.

 

thinking back to last night's argument, i was at first trying to just be objective and ask her to confirm that we were over so that i could find some direction. when she reacted so negatively, that's when i began to find myself getting upset in return because i felt like she's only doing this to somehow control me.

 

Whether it's because she's keeping me around for plan b or making herself feel better or genuinely because she's open to reconciliation, i don't know. But the way she broke up with me and then expects me to stick around for her and not try and take care of myself was what bothered/bothers me immensely.

 

i still wish it could work of course, but i'm siding with frisco's take on this and feel that she is already gone. she's stated that she's already talking to someone else in terms of 'seeing' someone so i don't hold much hope any longer.

 

DN's suggestion of talking it out seems like a good idea, but i would only initiate it to be absolutely sure that she's not willing to be with me, not really on the hopeful side of can we work it out.

 

thanks for all your input, by all means continue to share your thoughts as i am finding it extremely helpful. this is perhaps the first time since the break that i am really sharing what has happened and what i am going through and it is refreshing to just get it off my chest.

[DN]

DN's suggestion of talking it out seems like a good idea, but i would only initiate it to be absolutely sure that she's not willing to be with me, not really on the hopeful side of can we work it out.

 

I think that is wise but don't let her know that is what you are thinking. Negative thoughts can easily turn into negative speech modes and body language. You need to project the idea that you love her and want to be with her but only on equal terms in a balanced relationship - and if she is not willing to do that, or even give it a chance, then you are perfectly willing to walk away and get on with your life knowing that you will still find happiness with or without her.

[DeeTeeCee]

heres a minor update:

i had IMed her last night to see if she'd agree to meet up and talk this weekend if she was going to go home (we live about 5 min. apart and her university is 60 miles away). she replied yes and to call her about it.

 

i texted her this morning to see if she was going to be home today. no answer for about 3 hours, so i re-sent the msg. 2 hours later (around 2:30pm) she calls me and says hi. i say hi, are you still down to meet up and talk?

 

she seemed hesitant, asking 'do you really want to talk or are you just going to be angry at me and talk over me?' i replied calmly that all i want to do is to see each other face to face and talk about us.

 

she said ok, and i asked her when and where would be ok with her. she replied 'later, i'm going to shower first and whatnot.' i said ok. after a few seconds of silence she says 'so.... are we just going to stay on the phone or what?' i never understood why she would say something like this, but i tried to be calm and said no, just call me whenever you're done and ready and we said bye.

 

5 hours pass (about 7:30pm now) and she calls me and asks if i want to tag along with her on a mall run so she can buy jeans. i figure that's the best i'm going to get with her in terms of time so i agree and say i'll head over. i stop to get gas on the way because my tank's been empty for a while. as i'm leaving the gas station, she calls again asking where i am. i tell her i'm getting as and she replies slightly annoyed, 'oh you're getting gas now? um, i kinda have to go, i've got this sorority event tonight and i don't want to be late.' i tell her 'i'm on my way, it's not like i'm trying to stall or anything'

 

now i'm starting to get frustrated, she calls me 5 hours after we discuss meeting up for a talk, knowing she has no time to really spare and gets annoyed with me taht i'm stopping for gas when i have no idea she's got other plans in mind?

 

i start making my way to her, but i decide to call her and tell her i'm not going to be showing up and for her to go on her way. i explain that i'll wait until we don't have to be pressured for time and an environment where we're not driving or walking around the mall to talk. she says it probably won't happen tonight then. i reply alright, to which she suddenly asks why i am b*tching at her.

 

normally i'd get angry and start losing it at a comment like that, but i ask why she's turning what i say into b*tching. she replies that 'normal' people would just answer like 'oh, ok not tonight' but that i answer 'alright~~~~~' in a very overly exagerratedly obnoxious voice. i'm about to go nuts but explain that she's perhaps taking everything i say too personally and that i just meant yeah alright, it's not going to happen tonight.

 

she asks me wait, so what are you trying to talk abotu anyway? i reply that i want to just sit down and lay all the cards on the table and discuss her and i and if theres any chance of reconciliation or if she just wants to be friends that sorta thing.

 

she then says oh i should've told her that earlier. i replied that i thought i made it kinda clear that i wanted to sit down and really have a talk concerning us earlier. i told her that she should have told me earlier that she had plans for tonight.

 

she says oh ok, well i guess i'll talk to you tomorrow then. i wanted to make sure she could make time for me so i asked her if she could. she said oh i don't know, i'm meeting up one of my friends, i'm not sure what time, and i probably won't be waking up anytime early and i've gotta do a bunch of hw. seems like she's trying to sound really busy so as to discourage meeting up with me. i tell her i need to run errands starting at 6pm til about 8pm so is after that ok? she says that might be fine and tells me to call her tomorrow. i tell her no, you call me when you're free and we say bye

 

i know not much happened, but i just felt really discouraged at her lack of effort or will to really give any time to even talk with me. she seems to really be indifferent to me in general and likes for me to work around her schedule and convenience. i've pretty much lost all hope that she even wants to reconcile, but i'll still go through with having a talk with her and letting her know how i feel.

[DN]

I would have been as frustrated as you are and were. It seems she is trying to let you know fairly clearly where you are on her priority list. That could just be a tactic but when you do speak to her you need to make it very clear that, while you are prepared to do what is necessary to have a balanced and loving relationship, she needs to put in an equal amount of effort. If she is not prepared to do that or is equivocal in any way, then I would advise walking away.

 

Don't let her maneuver you into accepting anything less on the basis of 'you have to give me time to trust you again' or anything similar. This should be a new start to to the relationship and it is essential that balance is achieved from the beginning or resentments will corrode the relationship very quickly.

 

Make it clear, without being aggressive, that this is a one-shot chance for both of you with this relationship. Neither one should try to hold any sort of power over the other by acting as if they are the injured party, or more prepared to end the relationship if they don't get their own way.

 

If she does not enter into the spirit of the conversation and gives off the same attitude of putting everything else in her life before you that she has displayed thus far this weekend then I think your best next step is out of the door.

[Scout]

It seems to me she is definitely on the defensive and expecting a certain kind of communication from you. You said yourself that "normally, you lose it at such a comment" which indicates to me there is a past history of unpleasant communication between you two that has obviously left residual effects. And it's the reason she gave you for the break up, in fact.

 

I agree that it would be nice if she showed yesterday that a talk with you was high on her list of priorities, however, I am sensing that she has some mixed feelings about you. I sense she is afraif of being yelled at, or spoken to sarcastically, or put on the defensive, etc. That could be one reason why she is not in a rush to talk with you...especially if she feels she will be talked over.

 

However, she also still cares about you, thus the going all out for your birthday, and the fact she's not ignoring your calls and overtures from a broad standpoint. She does call you back.

 

I just think we need to keep a balance of perspectives here. When my boyfriend and I broke up, I was trying to get us reconciled. He would show up late for talks, or cancel at the last minute...I would come so close to losing it, myself. But I reminded himself that is not how he was when we were together, and that we broke up for some concrete reasons. He was not in a hurry to revisit those issues, plain and simple.

 

So, I had to exercise seriously monumental patience and an even temper. It was hard as hell, too. But I believe that was the key to getting him to trust communicating with me again.

[Scout]

I also just want to add one more thing. Even if you two don't end up back together, this could be a really great exercise for you in terms of strengthening - and tempering - your communication. This can only serve you well in future relationships. So that's one reason I'm advocating all the patience.

 

You strike me as a pretty grounded, cool dude, actually. It's just we all have something we could work on, and sometimes, a break up actually clarifies that for us. I am sure your ex has her issues, too. But since you want to give things another go, I assume she has some very good qualities that warrant this.

[DeeTeeCee]

talked with her tonight. she said she only had 20 min. before she had to leave for school and i couldn't help but comment on how she was making no effort to even allow a discussion between us. i told her [i made sure not to show anger, but that i felt like she wasn't treating the matter with much respect to me] i'd been waiting since 2:30pm yesterday to have this talk and even now she's still treating it so lightly. she could only reply that she had hw and that she 'can't drop her life to have a big talk' with me. further discouraged me by showing me i'm not considered part of her life much anymore.

 

I tried my best to keep focused on letting her know where i stand. I told her that i was going to be completely honest and said that i still love her and i still want to be with her and i was willing to make changes if she were willing to try the relationship again and make changes on her part.

 

she said that she's not willing to be in a relationship, yet. i told her that is all i needed to know and requested that we do not contact each other any longer because where i am at right now it would be too painful to just be her friend.

 

she told me that right now she's not gung-ho about trying this hard to be in a relationship, that she's spreading herself too thin already with other things. i said i understood and that that is fine, i just wanted to know where she stood exactly.

 

it's just hard thinking back to how committed she seemed to be throughout the relationship and now that other parts of her life are getting more busy, a relationship with me is just too much work for her to put herself through.

 

i don't want to start whining, i guess i just need to get it off my chest and try to move on from sulking too much. it's like being dumped all over again a month afterwards, no matter how much i told myself that it wasn't going to end up the way i wanted.

[DN]

I'm sorry it turned out like this but now you know that you made your best effort and did all you reasonably could. You handled it very well. Now you have no lingering doubts and can move on. It will take a while to get over this but eventually you will and will find someone that you love and who loves you in return.

 

You did well and you will soon be well.

[Scout]

I too am sorry it turned out this way, but I also know that you won't be tormented with "what if" thoughts for months or even years to come. "What if" you'd told her how you felt, "what if," you'd made one last effort...etc.

 

 

it's just hard thinking back to how committed she seemed to be throughout the relationship and now that other parts of her life are getting more busy, a relationship with me is just too much work for her to put herself through.

 

It would be better for you not to harbor this thought too much. Remember, she didn't break up with you because her life got too busy. It was probably a long time in the making, and sometimes, once people make such a difficult decision, it can seem sudden to us, but if we really give thought to the issues and problems that were going on, we realize it was not an overnight decision on their part.

 

She is obviously in a place where she feels this is the decision she wants to, maybe even needs to go with. And you do have a clear understanding of that now, which will actually do wonders in your efforts to move on towards a new direction yourself. Yes, it's sad the results from being open with her weren't different, but at the same time, you're not struggling with confusion now, which is really tormenting in its own way.

 

Personally, I would not be surprised if you hear from her again, at which point, I would stick to your position that "just being friends" isn't in the cards for you. That this has no reflection on your feelings for her, but that you're not in a place where you can make that transition, and if you tried, it would probably just result in more ill will between the two of you. And that you don't want either of you to have any more unpleasant memories of that nature.

[DeeTeeCee]

thank you scout and dn for your support and encouragement. it's tough getting through this, perhaps because she was my first real relationship as well the first person i became intimate with and felt like i needed no other person in my life. but i'm trying to take it day by day and yes it has taken some weight off my mind to know that i did all i could and that this may be something she needs as much as i do.

[Scout]

and yes it has taken some weight off my mind to know that i did all i could

 

I know what you mean. When my boyfriend and I broke up for a couple months, a lot of people were telling me to just go into NC and not to make any effort to contact him. They told me if I contacted him I would be giving him "power."

 

If I had held on to that idea, I would have been letting myself be ruled by fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of a bruised ego. Fear my contact would bomb in my face.

 

Being motivated by fear is no way to live. I would also say pride and ego are 99.999% behind most failed relationships. People don't want to "give in" because they view it as "giving up power." But relationships shouldn't be about power or control.

 

Anyway, I was rambling there a bit...but my point is you felt some responsibility for the break up, you felt you wanted to give it another shot, and you asked for that. At this time, her answer is no, so you can now focus on other things. It hurts like hell, I'm sure, but at least you know you did the brave, true-to-your-heart thing, even if others wouldn't see it that way.

 

And just as an FYI, I never would have encouraged you to try for a second chance if I thought she was bad news or just not interested in you. It seemed neither was the case. And maybe it still isn't, only time will tell. But yeah, move in a new direction for yourself now.

[DeeTeeCee]

she has just texted me 'hi.' i know i should just ignore it for now but i so want to reply back. just receiving that insignificant message brought back so much of the emotions and pain i was trying to work past.

 

edit: she's also starting to call me, i need some quick advice on this, i don't know if i can keep my emotions in check if i take her call

[DN]

I think you should text her and ask her why she is contacting you since you have already said you do not want her to do that if all she wants is friendship.

[Scout]

i don't know if i can keep my emotions in check if i take her call

 

You can. Because you're on a new direction, a completely new path, in how you handle your communications: direct, honest, and non-accusatory/non-abrasive.

 

It is OK that you wanted something different than she says she does. What would not be ok would be for you to be dishonest with yourself and her about what it is you want.

 

However, if she still says she is not up for a reconcilation, do not go on the attack. Simply thank her for letting you know, and then ask her to respect your position, too. That respecting your position means she shouldn't expect contact at this point and time. You need to move on, and that's not a reflection against her, it's just what's best for both of you since you have conflicting wants.

[DeeTeeCee]

i never took the call nor immediately replied to the text msg. instead, i waited 3 or 4 days and texted her that i don't know why she's contacting me and that if she still wants us to be friends that i respect that, but she'll have to respect that i can't have contact with her at this time (basically what DN and Scout have suggested). no further contact since then, and this is currently the 2nd week of complete NC since the talk.

 

what's somewhat bothering me though is that i am aware that she checks my xanga (another blogging thing similar to myspace, facebook, etc) at least once a day. i blocked her username but she can still view it as an anonymous visitor because its a public page. the only reason i know its her visiting is that i have an anti-stalker module installed which displays the IP addresses of all the visitors.

 

sadly, i can recognize which IP is hers. i don't know why i check the anti-stalker module, just really out of habit to see who's landing on my page (i know it sounds dumb, but yeah. its funny how the anti-stalker thing is really like a reverse-stalker thing). anyway, i didn't really care much that she'd be reading my blog, as long as she doesn't try and contact me about any of it.

 

what i have noticed lately though is that she only enters the comment area of postings which have received any comments for the day (i'm kind of a computer nerd if you can't tell already). what's bugging me is that i'm not sure what she's up to, whether 1) she still feels something for me and is maybe worried that i'm 'seeing' someone else or 2) still trying to keep me on a string of some sort and checking up on me to see if i'm 'seeing' someone else or 3) she just misses me, i dunno.

 

Maybe its because its NC but with some sort of unspoken contact which is keeping her lingering that's bugging me. I know that perhaps i should just not check the IP checker and just get rid of it, since i've already removed her from my AIM buddy list, removed her as a friend on facebook, removed her number from my phone, and removed any and all items that remind me of her from immediate sight in my room. but i don't know, maybe i get some sort of sick and wrong delight from knowing that she still bothers to see what i'm up to, whatever the reason may be.

 

maybe someone else has an outside perspective on this, maybe it's not even something to fuss over as it's not going to help me keep moving on, which is going fairly well i think. i've been able to think back and realize lots of red flags i should've seen and how i let so many things just slide for the sake of being with her. the post-breakup self-debriefing period is something i'm finding very helpful in learning more of me, and her, and relationships.

 

*edit* also, whoever's actually reading this may feel like i'm a jerk for thinking off the bat that she's up to something and that she's keeping me on a string and whatnot. it's only because throughout our relationship i've realized just how controlling she was, especially at the beginning of it where she made me feel guilty that i had friends/acquaintances who were female and that i actually had crushes on girls before i met her. somehow i fell for it and felt bad, but looking back i realize she acted like she OWNED me before we even started seeing each other, and how manipulated i was in that sense.

[Clabs]

Hey DTC!

 

First off, I am sorry you are going through all this but think you are doing really well. Secondly - nobody thinks that you are being a jerk. When all this emotional stuff is kicking off it is human nature to analyze each and every aspect - however healthy (or unhealthy!!) it is for us.

 

What is your ex doing now? Well, when we get dumped, we tend to think that the other person is so over us, is not missing us and is away having the time of their life while we sit in misery. The truth is that in most cases, the person who did the dumping will also be missing you and will be checking up on you to see if you are off having the time of your life. Don't forget, she also has guilt to worry about too.

 

Her texts are of no real use to you. She is hoping for a response from you, maybe to hear you ask again to take you back, or to start up a conversation that will likely not go anywhere. If you decide to respond, there is another bit of power to her - another bit of control. It is helpful to her that you are kind of still her safety net while she heals and moves on. That is of no use to you because those texts will give you slivers of hope that she might change her mind and will not allow you to move on.

 

I had exactly this with my ex. she kept on emailing and texting with nothing much to say. Early on I used to respond, but I soon saw the pattern where her texts and emails would start out fairly friendly, and quickly become cooler again once I began responding in a more friendly way - and so the pattern continued. This was just doing my head in so I laid down a contact law. I told my ex that my feelings for her had not changed, but that I found her unstubstansive messages of no use. I told her I was happy to hear from her, but only if it was face to face, or to discuss us.

 

I got a reply saying she couldn't take my message seious because I was not that mean or selfish (yeah - so now it is me being selfish!!). That was 3 weeks ago and I have heard nothing since.

 

I believe that by doing this, you have not slammed the door shut, but you have set down clear guidelines under which she may contact you.

 

The other thing that you have to do is get rid of that IP address logging software.

 

Good luck and look after yourself.

 

Clabs