He is unable to have kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[HangingInThere]

For some time now i have known my boyfriend was unable to have kids! We have talked about it on 2 occasions that lasted 2 minutes, if so long - the conversations are so blah and I do not know any more than, he cant have kids! I would imagine he feels uncomfortable tlaking about it.

 

A few weeks ago I brought up the subject and he quickly dismissed me by saying he is going to go to the doctor sometime soon....a few days after that, i said to him that i do not feel comfortable with his response and we need to talk more about it. We have been togehter off and on for 2 years and in those 2 years I never had the 'courage' to talked about it in depth...i only imagine that he is not comfortable with this conversation either, perhaps a bit embarrass amongst other things.

 

I was guessing he had a vascetomy(sp?), until he stated NO. I did a bit of research - probably he had a STD that was dormant at one point (chylamdia) ...i am so lost and feel very little hope for a family now.....not what I envisioned my future to be at all. Take note, he is going to be 37 this year.

 

I am 32, I want to get married and have kid(s). But I think I am being foolish by staying in this relationship that clearly doesnt or cannot fit into my future plans.

 

I do want to talk to him in depth about this, but he is normally very defensive when it comes to conversations of the heart and doesnt respond civil at all.

 

I confided in a family member about this and they said I should just leave the relationship......But i want more advice.

 

Usually, I can think and solve many issues and/or come to some kind of resolution, but with this matter, I cant seem to think straight!

 

Please help, what would you do or say at a time like this?

[Siriana]

AFTER 2 YEARS HE SHOULD TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY ENOUGH AND HAVE ENOUGH RESPECT TOWARD YOUR RELATIONSHIP to have a meaningfull talk instead 2 seconds explanation I can't have kids.

Thats pretty much offencive from him and shows how he has some deep issues.

And I am suspicious about how serious he actually considers your relationship.

 

Your friends are right. I think he needs to be dumped.

[Beec]

You are talking about asking him about something that may make him feel rather less than a real man. It's not going to be an easy thing to talk to him about. But, you do have a right to know, if this is serious.

 

So, I would talk to him and recognize it's not easy for him tot alk about, but then I would say, I need to know. So you think about it for a little while and then you need to tell me, and have a list: what is the problem, diagnosis, prognosis, cause, etc.

 

Finally, is it really a dealbreaker if he cannot? Because I see that as a problem too.

[fnlyfrei]

My S.O. had a vasectomy. When he used to date, the women would fall for him, talk about having babies...and he would tell them that he couldn't...and did not want any. Then of course the relationship would be over...especially if they still wanted children. I think that is one of those things that should be decided right off...not after you have been with someone for a few years. I think he would be selfish to expect you not to even talk about it....you need to decide for yourself though...and not be manipulated.

[shes2smart]

The kids/no kids issue is one of those you cannot compromise on. You either have kids or you don't. There's no in-between spot.

 

So he's said he's infertile (for whatever reason)...what about adopting? Would you be ok with that? Would he? Will he even talk to you about that?

 

Just because one partner is infertile doesn't rule out parenthood. However, if one partner is infertile and doesn't want children, that's a completely different story.

 

If he doesn't want children and/or he doesn't want to even discuss options like adoption with you, it's probably time for you to move along -- if you truly want kids.

 

You have to make a decision...do you want him in your life or do you want children...'cause right now it's not looking like you can have both.

[HangingInThere]

i wouldnt really think it would be deal breaker at all, but since he is/was so nonchalant about it, then my only thing is to assumed he cant have kids, it doesnt make a difference for him to have kids - so basically he can careless about it!

 

if he would just talk to me more indepth about it, then i would more than happy look at the future with more optimism, i would even go as far as finding a doctor for him and whatever it takes to find out what the problem is.

 

but he is being very lackadaisical about it....we are both in our 30, him pushing close to 40..if we were in our 20s i wouldnt be thinking baout this as hard as i am thinking about it now.

 

so true, I know this is a very sensitive subject for him, as i said in my initial post and I am trying a way to discuss it without him feeling a certain way about it.

 

please help.

[HangingInThere]

My S.O. had a vasectomy. When he used to date, the women would fall for him, talk about having babies...and he would tell them that he couldn't...and did not want any. Then of course the relationship would be over...especially if they still wanted children. I think that is one of those things that should be decided right off...not after you have been with someone for a few years. I think he would be selfish to expect you not to even talk about it....you need to decide for yourself though...and not be manipulated.

 

we discuss kids very early on..it was one of those vagued convos about the future when you first meet someone...he knew my expectations.

 

 

He slipped up and mentioned he cant have kids in an argument like 3 months into our relationship - he was very distraught and at the time i was lost for words so i couldnt rebutt. After that 1st incident i just felt very out of place to even bring it up aagin, especially due to our ona dn off again relationship.

 

We are 2 years older now, and we have a very serious relationship, so I felt the need to have that convo with him not too long ago...and as i said he dismissed it initially and then a short time after had a tiny cono with me about it - but he was angry while doing so.

[justpaisley]

Is this an issue of him not being able to have kids and not wanting them, or does he maybe want them in the future? You could use donor sperm and do in-vitro fertilization, or you could adopt. Him not being able to impregnate you is not really that big a deal if indeed he wants kids. Maybe that's how he feels about it. You have to find out if he wants them.

 

How exactly did you find out that he may have had an STD?

[HangingInThere]

The kids/no kids issue is one of those you cannot compromise on. You either have kids or you don't. There's no in-between spot.

 

So he's said he's infertile (for whatever reason)...what about adopting? Would you be ok with that? Would he? Will he even talk to you about that?

 

Just because one partner is infertile doesn't rule out parenthood. However, if one partner is infertile and doesn't want children, that's a completely different story.

 

If he doesn't want children and/or he doesn't want to even discuss options like adoption with you, it's probably time for you to move along -- if you truly want kids.

 

You have to make a decision...do you want him in your life or do you want children...'cause right now it's not looking like you can have both.

 

 

its not that he DOESNT want child(ren), he CANT have child(ren).

 

why look into adoption when we/i dont even know the real issue??!!!

 

 

i have to agree, there is no compromise when it comes to having or not having a child!

 

i want to bear my own kids...i am ABLE! the adoption thing would more tha likely come far down the road after we have exhausted all possibilites.

 

my question is really how do i even discuss this more with him.

 

maybe a guy can tell me how to discuss this without my bf feeling like 'less of a man'

[HangingInThere]

Is this an issue of him not being able to have kids and not wanting them, or does he maybe want them in the future? You could use donor sperm and do in-vitro fertilization, or you could adopt. Him not being able to impregnate you is not really that big a deal if indeed he wants kids. Maybe that's how he feels about it. You have to find out if he wants them.

 

How exactly did you find out that he may have had an STD?

 

i didnt say he had an STD...i said after doing research on being infertile, that was a possiblity (having a dormant std)

 

he said he wants to have kids once in our relationship, but he never have those convos with me or anyone else! he is just quiet about it, i guess because he knows he is infertile!

[BornToResist]

You deserve an explanation. You care about him and this affects your future as well, so I think you should sit him down and start the conversation...don't wait until you're in a fight.

 

I have an ex who is unable to have kids...it wasn't an STD or anything, he just got an injury and now he can't (this was after our relationship).

 

My brother was told he was infertile as well....he now has 4 kids. The doctors were wrong.

 

You need to know. I think this is dealbreaker.

[Beec]

so true, I know this is a very sensitive subject for him, as i said in my initial post and I am trying a way to discuss it without him feeling a certain way about it.

 

please help.

 

I thought that was what I did. really, go to him, explain what you need to know and why, then tell him when he is ready to talk about to let you know.

 

Don't think that he is lackadaisical just because he acts in way other than what you would imagine you would.

[shes2smart]

Seems to me that if he seriously wanted to have kids (and by extension have kids with you), he'd get himself thoroughlly checked out by a doc and start looking at what his options were and discussing these things with you.

 

I know people who really wanted to be parents. Once they got that idea in their head, NOTHING stood in the way of working toward that goal. I know a couple who went through several in vitro procedures and nearly wrecked themselves financially because they wanted a child so badly.

 

Being a parent is a difficult job. It's easier if you have a partner who is as committed to it as you are. His reluctance to even talk about it with any depth brings up questions as to how important a goal it is to him. I suggested bringing up adoption as a way for you to see if the issue is really his infertility or if the issue is that he really doesn't want kids, period.

 

In any event, a partner who is uncommunicative about an issue that appears to be important to you is a problem.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there are lots of reasons for infertility in men, so don't jump to conclusions, or web surf when HE should be talking to you about this... i don't think you're ready to marry if you can't discuss something like this with him... and he needs to love and trust you enough to talk with you openly about anything.

 

also, even if he is infertile, you can get pregnant using a sperm donor, which tons of people do if the man has an infertility problem. so you giving birth is not out of the question, if you two love and care for each other enough to negotiate a solution that allows you to have a family together.

 

so you really need to approach this with him like any medical problem, reassuring him that you love him no matter what, and if marriage and family is what he wants, you can pursue that. if you can't even talk about this with him, then there is not intimacy enough there to marry him, so please don't put the cart before the horse there. work on developing that intimacy, have the discussion, then go from there.

[RayKay]

Yes, I certainly feel this is something that not only YOU should get more than a 2 second explanation, but also something YOU should be able to sit down and ASK him for the concrete reasons WHY he cannot.

 

Has he ever been diagnosed as infertile so he physically CAN'T? Or is he going by past experience and nothing happening? Does he say he CAN'T as he feels he just cannot deal with it? Has he had a vasectomy, an STI, or just low sperm count?

 

I would think if you can't talk to him about these issues, you are also not ready to get married or have kids with him.

[HangingInThere]

we talked about it.....he said he's scared to go to the doctor and hear those dreaded words - he cannot have kids! he said his whole life and mindset will change for the worse.

 

he's going to go for a consultation, but doesnt want to be tested right now.

 

i dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[HangingInThere]

he said he doesn't need anyone telling him when to go to the doctor.

[RayKay]

So...um....if he has never GONE to the doctor about it, how does he know he cannot have them?

 

Something seems odd with that...

[HangingInThere]

So...um....if he has never GONE to the doctor about it, how does he know he cannot have them?

 

Something seems odd with that...

 

he have been in relationships before me and obviously he never impregnated anyone, including myself....obviously he is telling me as much as he can bear to tell me.

[RayKay]

he have been in relationships before me and obviously he never impregnated anyone, including myself....obviously he is telling me as much as he can bear to tell me.

 

I don't think that actually proves he is infertile. I know many men whom never impregnated anyone for years...then they did.

 

There are many factors, besides total infertility, that can mean he has not gotten anyone pregnant (assuming too of course there was no birth control used!).

[HangingInThere]

i think we broke up!

[RayKay]

i think we broke up!

 

What happened????

[Beec]

What happened????

 

Good question.

 

I've dated a woman who, let's just say, had a gift that she might have given me. Before we did, she told me about it. If she had not told me about it, until after there was some chance I might have received the gift, I would have been upset. She needed to be upfront. But, she was, and I knew what was what, etc.

 

In your case, if you broke up over him not wanting to or being able to talk about something that would really affect your life, well, then maybe you need to say good riddance. He was not mature enough to face you and talk.

 

Sorry this happened, but it might not be for the worst.

[HangingInThere]

What happened????

 

Good question.

 

I've dated a woman who, let's just say, had a gift that she might have given me. Before we did, she told me about it. If she had not told me about it, until after there was some chance I might have received the gift, I would have been upset. She needed to be upfront. But, she was, and I knew what was what, etc.

 

In your case, if you broke up over him not wanting to or being able to talk about something that would really affect your life, well, then maybe you need to say good riddance. He was not mature enough to face you and talk.

 

Sorry this happened, but it might not be for the worst.

 

 

We talked, he became very defensive...i even told him i will support him and be there with him and I am not going to leave because of this and we can look into alternatives.....sounds good right?!

 

well his ego got a hold of him and he started telling me he definitely isnt going to the doctor, he doesnt want to hear those words from the doctor and if i even mention it to him again he is going to flip.....he then had an attitude for the rest of the night and starting yelling at me and being totally rude...so i said this is too much and i cant handle this right now....so i said goodbye...we never said it was over, but I think it is!!!!!!!

[Beec]

I really have to say that is he doe snot want to talk to you and face things, then what happens when something else goes wrong in your lives. What happens when one of you is really ill, forty years from now? Will he then be able to talk about it and face things?