Am I hurting myself more by not getting close?

[Balbina]

I've always been the type to theorize on the nature of relationships that surround me. I can dissect situations relatively objectively, I can give level-headed advice and I usually know exactly the way a man's mind works. The only thing is, this gift seems to fail upon my own relationships.

 

I didn't want to get involved... I've had some very very bad history with horrible relationship choices in the past that I try to, if not forget, remember only the lessons from my bad choices and avoid at any costs the same types. I've always been in bad relationships...in the few I've been in.

 

I think it has a lot to do with issues stemming from self-acceptance, which I've been working on for the past year and bit. I think a person should not be with someone and expect to be loved and accepted if they themselves don't respect themselves. While I don't believe there is a truly "healthy" mindset, this is something I think is crucial in getting invovled.

 

So I met a guy last summer... a couple of months after a particularly bad break up with a guy I was dating who turned out to be a stranger - and verbal abuser. My ego was bruised most - the fact that I of all people didn't see it coming.

 

This guy was awesome...I picked him up in a totally unique way, totally unlike me and we ended up having a series of amazing dates. We clicked, but I sort of put up a guard with him. I shared and we were intimate, but I always kept a part of me completely closed off to him - he was leaving at the end of the summer to the states for 4 years so I figured it was the perfect "Fling".

 

By the end of the summer, we were seeing each other casually but intimately. I wasn't dating anyone else and neither was he, but we maintained our own lives and schedules and it was a perfect situation for me to be able to do my own thing without him looking over my shoulder.

 

I really liked him but I knew the reality of our situation. We made a big deal out of saying goodbye to one another as he left for the states and I for Europe for a month and we kept in touch through emails every couple of weeks.

 

He came back for Christmas break and we saw each other again... it was as if he never left, we totally picked up where we left off and hung out together and had a kick * * * time, as usual. He left again and on Valentines day, which I don;t really celebrate, sent me a cute email with an invite to go see him. It was something he had mentioned over Christmas break but I never took seriously. So I decided to go for it and see him on his reading week in March...

 

I just came back from seeing him. I spent 5 days and 4 nights with him, went to parties, met his friends, did the touristy thing together and got pretty close overall, pretty much living together for 5 days. But aside from talking about ourselves, we didn't talk much about US...aside from how compatible we are, and how strange the circumstances of our relationship is.

 

He's coming back for 3 weeks in June and wants to see me then before he returns to school...but its weird. I really like the guy - I kind of miss him now and I wish it wasn't as complicated as I made it. Long distance doesn't allow us the chance to communicate or connect in any substantial way. IF this continues I'll be seeing him every 3 months or so...

 

This is what I want. I love my life and I love spending time with him when I do but my life always resumes back on MY track. I'm busy with school and my life right now and I enjoy being with my friends too much to waste time trying to deal with the crazy world of dating, but am I hurting myself? Am I, by not really getting too close or REALLY involved, hurting myself because there is no definate bond? By leaving things out in the open, am I putting my heart on the line by not offering it at all??

 

I like this situation but sometimes I over think it and although it suits me, am I potentially screwing myself up? A lot of people say I'm way too unconventional when it comes to relationships...

[RebeccaChow]

Well, you can communicate with him via MSN or Skype on a daily basis. Or via e-mail and snail mail.

 

LDR do work.. alot of people are in LDR, they have as much chances as succeeding as any normal relationships. I guess you should put in your love, but not all.. 'cos you don't know him well enough yet.

 

Take care hun.

[sooky]

you've kind of already answered your own question - you like him and you like the situation...

 

it's easier said than done, i know (i am also an over thinker and end up in weird relationship situations), but perhaps it's time to relax - if there comes a time that you stop liking him and/or the situation, then you will have the opportunity to change it.

 

have you talked to him about it? have the two of you decided to not date other people in between? would it hurt you if he was seeing someone else between visits? and if it turns out you really REALLY like him, would it be worth turning it into an exclusive long distance thing?

 

xx

[b2761]

"over thinker"- ahh, yes- that's a consistent problem for me.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

me too... is there a cure?

[Balbina]

Lol, thanks guys.

I suppose I am a bit of an over thinker and did answer my question in regards to whether or not I'm comfortable with the situation...

 

We've never brought up dating other people... but it's pretty much out in the open. I rather keep my options open... I've gone on dates before the christmas break reuinion but I wasn't feeling it at all... and I'm sure he's tried as well but if it was anything that had potential he would have told me...

 

He's sort of like me in regards to not putting himself out there to meet girls...he's just a genuinely friendly person.

 

It would tick me off if he were seeing someone on the side right now, but he would tell me... and I don't see it as something necessary to bring up, but I suppose I should state the obvious anyway, incase.