Desperate for Advice on Meeting People

[flyingspaghetti]

Ok, rule number one: Stop trying to THINK of a reason to go talk to someone and just do it! There is nothing wrong with just liking how a person looks and going up to say hi!

Most of the time, I find that people are always in a hurry. Once I enter a coffee shop, I like to order what I am thirsty for, and then I scan around the areas looking for a place to sit where there are guys around my age sitting nearby. This way, it makes it easier to approach him. If he's far away accross the room, then sometimes there are people in my way, and then it gets more intimidating for me to approach them.

 

See how that works? You don't have to think of things to talk about...thats HIS job. This works with both men and women. All you really need is a series of intelligent, but easy questions to ask people. From the answers you get, you create or bring out more questions. As time goes on, you will become more relaxed, making it easier to talk.

 

Now....GO GET 'EM!

Good points. My brain thinks WAY too hard. And, when there's a guy I wanna approach/interact with, my brain suddenly turns to jello and my heart beats a million mph. Then, I totally forget what to say. It's not until later when I decide, "D'oh! I should've said this or that." Ugh...frustrating...

[Clementine orange]

I think that since three years ago when I really had "go for it" strong crush feelings, I have approached almost all of these guys. Well, I started off with small chit-chats when I approached them, but NONE of these guys accepted my willingness to go out or even communicate further.

 

Are you sure they were available? You seem to be doing everything right here for the most part. At age 29 (sorry I missed that part) you can date guys from say 25 to 40 - the problem is that many of them at that are probably attached (or ha, bitter). You need to play the numbers game at this point perhaps.

 

Locke2121's little dialogue is right on the money. Plus artists are hot

 

I do know that if you came up to me and started chatting to me about my art then I would welcome that. Not saying it would go anywhere but showing an interest in someone's hobby is the right idea.

[Locke2121]

D'oh! I should've said this or that." Ugh...frustrating...

 

Stop that! These aren't called social skills for nothing! They have to be practiced, honed and refined, often over long periods of time!

[Clementine orange]

I don't see how someone can't take rejection personally... unless the object of your affection is already taken. Otherwise, I don't see how it can be done, without deluded yourself.

 

Well, one does take it personally but it is what one does with that emotion that counts. Dwelling on it doesn't work, getting back on the horse does. Rejection is everywhere

[sophie274]

I have to admit I'm not an expert, but it sounds to me like you might be coming off as over-eager. As in - if someone talks to you, you really latch on and then make all efforts to keep the conversation going. If that's the case, I can see why your attempts are backfiring - I think that attitude might put guys on the spot, and makes them feel uncomfortable. The conversation ends up forced and awkward. I do think you might do better trying to meet people through mutual friends. In my opinion, picking up strangers is very delicate - I can say that if a guy approached me as in your scenario (the guy is you!), I would feel he was a being too forward.

 

Sounds to me like it's a vicious cycle - you don't meet people, you get desperate, you are putting people off because you seem desperate, you don't meet people, etc ...

 

It's probably the hardest thing to do, but I think you need to lower the stakes and your expectations. Smile at people, but if they don't smile back, leave it there. Say a few words to a stranger - but if he doesn't seem interested in talking, leave it there. A more relaxed attitude could do a lot for you.

 

That's all I can think of. I hope your luck turns soon!

[flyingspaghetti]

Are you sure they were available? You seem to be doing everything right here for the most part.

Well, here's a quick rundown of what these crushes from the last three years looked like:

 

-guy #1 (gay), so it's obvious..lol...

-guy #2 (socially anxious and later emailed me when we exchanged contact info that he didn't think dating would be good for him...long story...but we talked online A LOT for months after that)

-guy #3 (waiter/cashier at a coffee house - I wrote him a note asking if he wants to go to a movie on that Friday with my number...never heard back from him; however, he and I briefly talk at the coffeeshop...no mention about that incident)

-guy #4 (hinted at him many times...we hung out twice on November/December....just broke up with longtime girlfriend last summer...I kept asking him to hang out, and he'd say "yes" but then he blew me off a couple of weeks ago after promising we'd go out for breakfast.. * * * was that?!)

[flyingspaghetti]

Stop that! These aren't called social skills for nothing! They have to be practiced, honed and refined, often over long periods of time!

The weird thing is that I never seem to learn. I always act quickly without even stopping and thinking for a moment. When I tell myself to stop and think before I act, I ignore myself.

[Clementine orange]

Maybe repress the crush feelings until after you get things going down that road. I know that if I'm crushing on someone then I'm a blithering idiot and most of my social skills go flying out the window and I turn into a slack jawed moron who can't stop staring at the poor girl. I think that many peeps can relate to this.

[Locke2121]

The weird thing is that I never seem to learn

 

Keep hanging with us...you'll learn.

[Clementine orange]

Actually, you know, spaghetti flying girl - you do sound like rather an interesting person - I know that I would at least chat with you. So there!

(and where were you when I was single and lonely?)

[ycmanvs]

Do you go to parties? I find that it is easier to meet people when I am with a friend and we go to a party. It is harder to meet people when you are alone in a public place because you may come accross as desperate or too eager, even though that may be untrue.

 

Have you tried on-line dating sites? I've met quite a large number of people on-line who have become very close friends. You have to be very careful, however, as far as screening people before you meet them in person.

 

As far as the hairstyle is concerned, ask a friend to tell you, honestly, what they think of your hair up/down, curled, parted to the side, etc. My friends all say that I look better with my hair down, as do all my ex's so I tend to believe them. This might work for you as well.

 

Everyone has already mentioned confidence. It works.

 

So, in conclusion I believe that making friends with people, male and female, can lead to expanding your social network, until you eventually meet the right guy for you.

[flyingspaghetti]

Hey all! Thank you for your responses! I really appreciate them! Sorry I was not here earlier, but I have had a busy last couple of days since I last posted.

 

I think I try too hard because I develop so many high expectations. Once any person talks to me or acts like they like me for me, I start thinking, "Hey, maybe this or that..." Maybe they can be my friend or something. So, I overmistake people's simple acts of kindness as them wanting to befriend me. Then, I ask people's advice on "What should I do?" thereforeeee, I explain my story, and they often tell me, "It seems like they want to be your friend or like you, go for it." Then, my brain starts thinking A LOT about these people, and I have my heart set on it. I have surpassed opportunities in the past that I am now paranoid I'll keep doing that, so I don't want to skip a heartbeat, so to speak. I don't want to miss out on anything. I am tired of being in this slump. I want change.

 

I guess I should explain "the looks" situation because I think I have confused so many people over this. I didn't really mean I want to actually change my looks. I meant more on personal grooming. For example, I cannot style my own hair or even braid it if the world depended on it. I seriously struggled this all my life, and I have tried it. When it doesn't work, I give up and cry out of frustration. That's why my hair is always in boring styles unless I ask someone to do it or get it done at a hairstylist. My hair isn't well taken care of, and it's lopsided. I want to be able to style my hair like other girls, and I envy those who can do it. So, I feel like a plain jane. I am tired of the same boring hairstyles because I can't do jack about it myself. I am not good at curling even the simplest little things, so I get frustrated within myself. You know how they say that hair usually gets noticed? That's usually what people notice and judge how a person keeps themselves up. If it looks nice or decent (not necessarily all styled), then it shows the person takes care of themselves. Maybe that's what guys are judging me over? I don't know. I am just lost. :sad:

 

To those who mentioned about finding a guy through friends....well, that could be good. I tried it with two work friends, and one of those friends' best guy friend was too forward for me. Plus, I was very picky towards the friend. The other co-worker friends' guys weren't my type. Most of my other friends are busy, and one friend asked if she could set me up, and I accepted. But....I am still waiting on that outing to occur. Gosh, I am so impatient.

[ghost69]

get wasted and take a cab out. you will meet plenty of people that way.