Desperate for Advice on Meeting People

[flyingspaghetti]

Okay, everyone, I am very desperate. *hangs head in shame* This is quite a lengthy post, so if you are willing to sit through and read this in its entirety and are willing to attempt to help me, then I appreciate your patience.

 

I want to know what the majority of people's secrets are for socializing and actually getting others to talk or click with you. I am especially trying to date guys, but I keep coming into dead end corners. I have had no luck lately. I am not trying to compete with anyone, but I do surely am ready and willing to partake and put myself out there. However, I seem to fail horribly with this. I don't get it. I do not know what it is I am doing wrong.

 

I try and smile and even try to act friendly towards guys, and I see that most of the time, they do not smile back or show interest. It seems only much older men (who I am not interested in) are the chattiest. Why is that? What do you younger guys want when seeing a female? Are you looking for personal appearances or physical looks before you decide to approach a female? Are you THAT picky and decide to not approach a girl who is NOT hot? As far as it goes for me, I am not that good at styling my hair into nice hairstyles, so I can wear nice clothes. The only thing that I find physically awkward about me is that my hair is always in the same boring style. It's either down with me wearing a headband or up on a half ponytail with two bobby pins holding up the hair in the side of my temples. Booooorrrrrring! I mean, I would say I am average (I'm not a dog nor am I a hot girl), but it does break my heart when I go to a coffee house or even see in classrooms/computer labs how the guys tend to talk/socialize more with other girls. It could be that I am shy and quiet and keep to myself, but there are times I spread myself out in a coffee house or something just to show that I am not "always" closed up. You know...to make myself approachable, but that doesn't seem to work. What else does that make me feel? I feel nothing more than merely an ugly duckling.

 

In late February, I attended a "game night" at a Barnes & Nobles and saw this cute guy who worked there. He was in charge of the game night that evening, so we talked a bit. Then, he told me he remembered me from my job! He's taking a couple of multimedia classes, and we talked about them. I was ecstatic thinking that he was interested in getting to know me. Even if it's just chit-chat at the moment, I figured it was a good start. He then got two other co-workers to join in on the game night because I was the only customer. It seemed like he talked less to me when these co-workers joined us. I felt left out. I saw him at work, but he never greeted me or anything. I just thought, "Damn....figures...things NEVER work out well for me." How sad. What could've gone wrong? Did I do something? Is it my appearance? Or...??? He was so chatty with me when I first arrived.

 

And, this isn't the first time. I know a guy from a coffee shop/restaurant who is now working at another coffee house. We know each other by face (I know his name, but I don't think he remembers mine), but that's all it is... Just talk...talk...talk. I don't wanna ask him to hang out because I keep hearing that guys hate persistence, and I don't wanna look stupid or even scare him off. UGH...

 

In other words, why wouldn't you just give a chance to go UP to a girl like me? We are not HOT, but we do try our best to take care of ourselves. Do you like HOT hair, or??? If you don't give us a chance, then how are you supposed to get to know us? I can be a lot of fun. I am human. I have goals, I have dreams, I want companionship, I am open to new experiences, I like to talk, I like to watch movies, etc. So.... Great, now I am feeling teary-eyed.

 

Now, I don't want to read posts by people saying, "That's why I don't go out in public or meet people" or whatever. I am not asking for personal opinions. I am just looking for suggestions or hints or secrets in dating/looking for a guy. And, I don't buy that whole "it'll take time" or "when you least expect it." I am rather picky, and I don't want some old 60-year-old man looking for me or even an 18-year-old guy finding me. *shudders*

 

Any suggestions? As many suggestions to hanging out or even finding a guy would be awesome. Thanks.

[Leonhart]

There's no way of knowing if it's your appearance, as you speculate, without seeing what you look like. Posting a picture may help.

[flyingspaghetti]

There's no way of knowing if it's your appearance, as you speculate, without seeing what you look like. Posting a picture may help.

I am not comfortable in posting up pictures of me online. It was a general question. I hear a lot in the adult world that appearance isn't a number one issue as it was in a judging sense from high school. But, still....if that were true, then I wonder how else to get guys to talk to me/be interested in me.

[JoeWho]

How old are you, that will help us give you some solid advice?

[flyingspaghetti]

How old are you, that will help us give you some solid advice?

Late 20s. I'm such a late bloomer. ](*,)

[needopinions]

your first word of your thread title says it all...you are "DESPERATE"...whether you believe it or not things do happen when you least expect them. If you are desperate you will act desperate and people...members of the opposite sex included...will pick up on that and be turned off.

 

confidence is the number one way to get someone to notice you...not arrogance either...confidence.

 

i had the same problem...well i never really had trouble meeting people...i just had trouble meeting the RIGHT person...until i gave up trying...it's been 81/2 months now...we live together and have fun every day together. i couldn't have asked for a better person for me.

[flyingspaghetti]

your first word of your thread title says it all...you are "DESPERATE"...whether you believe it or not things do happen when you least expect them. If you are desperate you will act desperate and people...members of the opposite sex included...will pick up on that and be turned off.

 

confidence is the number one way to get someone to notice you...not arrogance either...confidence.

 

i had the same problem...well i never really had trouble meeting people...i just had trouble meeting the RIGHT person...until i gave up trying...it's been 81/2 months now...we live together and have fun every day together. i couldn't have asked for a better person for me.

Well, that's good for you, but I am also wondering about what are the best places to meet someone. Aside from confidence and all that stuff. How can I go about doing that at a coffee shop or at a public place? Like I mentioned above, I try to smile and everything, but I DO see guys quickly looking away from me when I attempt to smile and maintain good eye contact. How can I not help but to take this personally? ](*,)

[Clementine orange]

It may not be number one but it is important. Actually more important than looks per se is the look of friendliness and sanity.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you. You must be giving off some kind of vibe.

 

You want to talk to guys - talk about sports. Start reading the sports section in the paper. Learn about cars, motorcycles, boats, sports, vid games and other guy things like that. Watch a few guy type movies - Jackie Chan, early Bruce Willis and all that and read some guy books like Ernest Hemmingway. You gotta find out how guys think and what they think about.

 

Learn a little about everything (reading a paper everyday is a help) so you can talk about anything. Have an opinion (but don't lecture people) on things.

 

When socializing ask open ended questions. Listen to the answers, formulate responses on those answers.

 

Be bold - guys can be shy, some may be dieing to talk to you but have no idea what to say. Sometimes it's up to the girl to break the ice.

[JoeWho]

Definitely don't appear to be desperate. Be confident and maybe even a little aggressive with the guys you like. There is nothing wrong with a girl hitting on a guy.

 

If you are not comfortable with your hair style, you can always change it to something that makes you feel good about yourself.

 

Whatever you do you just stay positive and project a positive vibe. That is attractive to all guys.

[Locke2121]

Hun, if I can post a picture of my ugly woofer of a mug, then you can too.

 

Quiet and shy? Yep, that aint' good. But the good news is, you can change that. You spread yourself out once in a while??? You got that backwards. You should be spread out MOST of the time, and quiet and shy every now and again.

 

 

Here are some tips that I wrote in another thread that you can try...

[Leonhart]

It's true, even I posted a picture of myself... much to my regret.

 

And Locke is a cool lookin' bloke. lol

[Clementine orange]

Well, that's good for you, but I am also wondering about what are the best places to meet someone. Aside from confidence and all that stuff. How can I go about doing that at a coffee shop or at a public place? Like I mentioned above, I try to smile and everything, but I DO see guys quickly looking away from me when I attempt to smile and maintain good eye contact. How can I not help but to take this personally? ](*,)

 

You might be "creeping them out" women don't usually smile at strangers etc. If they are then the next thing you know they are trying to sell you something, getting you to join their weirdo cult or giving you STDs.

 

You need a _reason_ to make contact. Any reason will do just not a "you'll do" reason.

[JoeWho]

It's true, even I posted a picture of myself... much to my regret.

 

 

Holy crap you are a dead ringer for Simon. lol

[Leonhart]

Cute.

 

I didn't say I LEFT the pictures up. lol Posting a picture doesn't mean you have to keep it up.

[Locke2121]

Unless your Luvursmile!

[JoeWho]

Just post it, it shows confidence.

[flyingspaghetti]

You might be "creeping them out" women don't usually smile at strangers etc. If they are then the next thing you know they are trying to sell you something, getting you to join their weirdo cult or giving you STDs.

 

You need a _reason_ to make contact. Any reason will do just not a "you'll do" reason.

That's what I am baffled about. I want to think of SOME sort of reason before I go up to X or Y guy. I wouldn't want to just scare him off by just going UP to him. By the time I see the guy I want to make small talk with, my brain is on overdrive that I lose the simplicity of reasons. So, I start thinking way too hard because I am in a hurry to approach him before he's gone. Often times, he's already gone by the time I think of something.

 

Here's one example from last spring in 2006. I was at a coffee shop reading, and I saw this guy with a sketch book. He was busy drawing. Then, he took a break, so I asked what he was drawing. We talked a bit about that. Then, he went back to drawing, so then my brain was trying to think up of MORE things to keep the convo going. I thought that maybe there could be some more to it than that. Nope. Instead, he packed up and left. I greeted him that it was nice talking to him, and he said, "Yeah, you too." As soon as he left, I frowned. He was sooo happy telling me stuff about his drawings, and then I wondered if my lack of communication meant I didn't keep him interested enough in his possibility of getting to know me. *sigh*

 

I often just sit back and observe others. It seems that I observe some guys just go up to some girls they just met and start making small talk. But...when I do that, it seems to fail.

 

On the rare occasions that I get a convo going, it just stops. I don't know what else to do next. I like talking with the guys, but I am too shy to say something. Then, when I do say something, it's always wrong. So, I end up feeling stupid. Man...this sucks.

[Leonhart]

You sound so much like me; you're putting so much stock into a simple, little chat with a guy. You overthink yourself, and either chicken out from talking to the guy, or if you do, you're so nervous or shy that you can't think of anything to say.

 

You also sound very sensitive, which in this case, is not a good thing. I am much the same. I've been told to develop a thicker skin, but honestly... I don't know how to do that. If you could, somehow, do that, it would help greatly.

[Clementine orange]

I often just sit back and observe others. It seems that I observe some guys just go up to some girls they just met and start making small talk. But...when I do that, it seems to fail.

 

 

 

Ahh thats what it is - you see guys are used to having to do this. If we don't do this then we don't get anywhere

Successful guys have developed a game plan, a script (a versatile script) and and seriously thick skin. You have to or else you fail. Failure means you are lonely.

 

Have you ever thought about taking some drama classes - acting etc. or maybe public speaking classes. That might help.

 

How old are you?

[flyingspaghetti]

Yeah, I would say I am most extremely sensitive when it comes to things/people I want to befriend/go out with. I try too hard. I even try and sit back and let things come to me, but then I snap out and think, "Wait a minute. I can't expect things to COME to me." So...that's where I don't agree with the whole, "you'll get your time." What? This totally contradicts my whole theory on "going out to get things done." I dunno. I am just baffled....

[Clementine orange]

You sound so much like me; you're putting so much stock into a simple, little chat with a guy. You overthink yourself, and either chicken out from talking to the guy, or if you do, you're so nervous or shy that you can't think of anything to say.

 

You also sound very sensitive, which in this case, is not a good thing. I am much the same. I've been told to develop a thicker skin, but honestly... I don't know how to do that. If you could, somehow, do that, it would help greatly.

 

You're exactly right. Too much stock and over thinking etc. Calm, cool and casual is where it's at.

 

Sensitive people get thicker skins by scarring it up over the period of a few years. It's a case of the more you do it, the easier it becomes - seriously.

 

It helps if you understand that rejection (by someone of the opposite sex) may not be rejection of YOU, it may be rejection of timing/location/mood or whatever.

[flyingspaghetti]

Ahh thats what it is - you see guys are used to having to do this. If we don't do this then we don't get anywhere

Successful guys have developed a game plan, a script (a versatile script) and and seriously thick skin. You have to or else you fail. Failure means you are lonely.

 

Have you ever thought about taking some drama classes - acting etc. or maybe public speaking classes. That might help.

 

How old are you?

As I mentioned above, I am in my late 20s. To say the least, I am a VERY late bloomer. I've never dated before. I've come close to it a couple of times, but...well, that's a whole other ballgame I don't want to talk about.

 

Yes, I have tried out for rehearsals for a play. I didn't get the part, but it was fun. I do a lot of public speaking because my job calls for it. I do interact with a lot of people from my job, but I just never see guys really click with me. It's always the MUCH older men who are the chattiest, but I wish the guys my age would, too.

[Locke2121]

Ok, rule number one: Stop trying to THINK of a reason to go talk to someone and just do it! There is nothing wrong with just liking how a person looks and going up to say hi!

 

#2 Talking to people: You've almost got the trick down. Your an observer. Thats good, it means you can CONTROL the converstation. People love to talk about ...tada! THEMSELVES! When the guy with the sketchbook started sketching again..here is what you COULD have done.

 

You: Have you been sketching long?

Him: Yeah, for about six years now.

You: You very good at it, is it just a hobby or a profession?

Him: Right now its just a hobby, I'm actually a ####.

You: Thats so cool! Did you have to go to college to learn how to do it?

Him: *Long story will ensue*

 

 

 

See how that works? You don't have to think of things to talk about...thats HIS job. This works with both men and women. All you really need is a series of intelligent, but easy questions to ask people. From the answers you get, you create or bring out more questions. As time goes on, you will become more relaxed, making it easier to talk.

 

 

Now....GO GET 'EM!

[flyingspaghetti]

It helps if you understand that rejection (by someone of the opposite sex) may not be rejection of YOU, it may be rejection of timing/location/mood or whatever.

I think that since three years ago when I really had "go for it" strong crush feelings, I have approached almost all of these guys. Well, I started off with small chit-chats when I approached them, but NONE of these guys accepted my willingness to go out or even communicate further.

[Leonhart]

I don't see how someone can't take rejection personally... unless the object of your affection is already taken. Otherwise, I don't see how it can be done, without deluded yourself.