GUYS /Girls anyone... How can I figure out if h wants more than a casual hook up

[Kirst22]

I've probably done something a little silly and have been hooking up with a guy from work - I mean we are both young and deserve some fun yeah..

And i know I said to him I was happy with no strings - but he is just so nice and its hard not to like him more - and we get along so well - so well that work colleagues are questioning us as to what the deal is with us.

 

It started innocent and with lots of flirting. then we went out for work drinks and well being the last two left i somehow ended up at his place - he didnt try anything on me or make any moves throughout the night except for the general flirting and i slept on the couch. The next incident was the two of us had drinks after work - just the two of us - this time when we went back to his place i slept in his bed - but once again nothing happened and he didnt try anything one me - eventually when we went back to his place again we started to get somewhere but ended up coming to an agreement that whatever happened there would be no strings attached etc... which I agreed with and had actually guessed thats what the case would have been. (Although there is a bit more to this story as well - there was sort of another girl in the picture who he sort of had the hots for (who is over seas for 12 mths) - she was on the screen saver on his ph and has since replaced her with a person on a motorbike after our first hook up)

 

After our last hook up to me things are just a little bit more intimate than i think i like for a casual fling - he was just way too sweet - we were just laying there the next morning and he was running his hand through my hair and kissing my head and playing with my hands and all the sweet stuff you do when you are in a relationship - does anyone agree thats just too sweet for casual - -aagghhhh - and in the end i couldnt bring myself to do the deed i think if i did the whole situation was just WAY to intimate for casual.

 

The good thing for me is i stick to my word and i know what we agreed on so whatever happens I am happy with that and can deal with it.

 

I just wish i knew what was going through that mind of his.

[hosswhispra]

eventually when we went back to his place again we started to get somewhere but ended up coming to an agreement that whatever happened there would be no strings attached etc... which I agreed with.

 

Why did you agree to something that you did not truly want ?

 

If you keep on doing what you're doing, it might be too late to switch things around.

 

Time to change gears (if it's not too late)--by gears, I mean change your behavior and don't agree to anymore 'hook-ups'.

[Batya33]

Although I am all for watching actions over words there is an exception - when a person tells you he wants a no strings attached relationship, he means it until and unless he tells you he changed his mind. It's typical for a woman who initially agreed to this to start reading into so-called signs such as "he held my hand all night while we slept" or "he said all these sweet intimate things to me." He is not lying necesarily when he does or says these things but it is in the context of no strings attached - if he wanted you to be his, if he wanted a relationship with you would he be foolish enough not to tell you - why would he risk your not knowing and perhaps meeting another man? He's not shy, right -- he's perfectly capable of being sexual with you, perfectly capable of telling you this is casual, no strings attached, and thereforeeee he is perfectly capable of telling you if he changed his mind. He hasn't, so he didn't - yet, anyway.

 

My advise - stop lying to yourself that you're fine with casual hook ups - that you find it "fun" obviously you are not or you wouldn't be reading into so-called "signs" when he was perfectly clear about what he wants from you for now.

 

So instead of using the excuse of "I got drunk and somehow ended up in his bed" be responsible for your own behavior and don't settle for casual hook ups when you really want a relationship or at least someone who cares enough to put in the effort to call you in advance for a proper date - i.e. an activity outside of his apartment, outside of his bed where you two get to know each other sober and with your clothes on.

 

Or, ask him if he has changed his mind but my guess is if he hasn't told you he has, he hasn't.

[Kirst22]

when I agreed to it - It actually was what I wanted - I was attracted to him yet not emotionally and I genuinly was up for a bit of fun. Just didnt really think of the consequences - usually I am not the girl to get attached to guys - so I must really be falling for him.

 

I'm going to have tell him that even tough I agreed not to get attached, I can feel it happening and I think its time to stop.

 

And if he wants to spend time together out of his bed and not including lunch breaks then I guess thats a bonus. I'm going to have to be strong - all he has to do is flash that charming smile of his and I melt.

[Batya33]

You choose to melt, you mean. It's up to you - are you willing to settle for an occasional lunch during work and being dessert for him when he's in the mood to hook up or are you willing to tell him that you want to keep things strictly professional until and unless he wants something serious.

 

I don't think it necesarily means you're falling for him - you just might be at a point where you get emotionally attached through sex. You haven't been dating long enough to know whether you're falling for him or just infatuated.

[hosswhispra]

What exactly is a hook-up to you, Kirst22??

[Kirst22]

And i guess I am not going to find out wether it is an infatuation or more than that by continuing on with this casual fling am I. Wether or not we have fun and get along really well.

 

Thanks for the comments - they are making me see sense - i Just need to make sure I do the right thing. and not choose to let myself fall for his sweet talk and smile. I need to be strong.

[Kirst22]

to me a casual hook up is just a bit of fun - nothing serious. a friday or sat night thing after a few drinks. Have sex and then leave it at that.

I didn't want the sweet talk and sweet touch and eye contact etc etc - I've had a few casual flings bedore and they were no where near as sweet and intimate as what this guy is - maybe thats why I am soo confused because he is crossed the line *(which I guess i drew for myself) of a bit more than fun

[Batya33]

He probably feels comfortable crossing the line because he doesn't have to "walk the walk" - he already told you this is no strings attached so he doesn't need to worry about you expecting him to be your boyfriend - he gets to do all the romantic stuff in bed without the boyfriend responsibilities out of bed.

[Kirst22]

I must be soo out of touch - do guys really like to be all that romantic with someone that they don't have strong feelings for.

[Batya33]

He might have strong feelings for you, he might just be into you at the moment, he might just be a sap - who knows? - but it doesn't necesarily mean he wants to be in a relationship with you.

[hosswhispra]

^ yes that can happen, sorry Kirst22

[Kirst22]

His last relationship ended pretty bad I guess he's going to be very cautious.

 

Thanks guys - this helped a lot and I feel a lot better about where I stand. Now I just have to make the right decision and hope it turns out for the best.....

[Batya33]

I am glad it helped. Many people have disappointing relationships but they bounce back when they are ready and meet the right person. Either he is not ready and/or he doesn't think you're a match for him - please don't take that personally - I am sure there are men who you don't believe are a match for you for a relationship.

 

What I would do - since you are attached, why not tell him that he shouldn't contact you again unless he changes his mind and wants a relationship with you? Continuing to see him means you risk getting more attached and believing he has changed his mind. Better to protect yourself right now and believe that if it is meant to be he will miss you and want to be with you.

[Kirst22]

That sounds like a good idea to me - it would be stupid of me to put myself in a situation which in the long run is going to hurt me, which would ultimitely be my own fault. I think this would also help me to figure out whether or not he is actually what I want

[Batya33]

Not stupid just possibly not effective to get what you want and to avoid unnecesarily hurting yourself. It's very hard to do what I suggested when you are smitten.

[Kirst22]

ohh yeaah, it is going to be very hard - especially when we work together and he has the whole day to work on getting what he wants and trust me he uses that day well and knows what he's doing

[Batya33]

No worries - you are strong and you know what you are worth.

[ghost69]

yeah, don't get false hope. his actions might just be how he is. if you get attached, it will make you feel worse if you make a move and he isn't responsive.