Church singles groups are not what they are cracked up to be

[galaxy71]

I am sorry. But it was total madness at this church social. Some of the things that happen in church are just as crazy as what happens in a bar or nightclub. Most of the people in the event were in their thirties and fourties. One of the woman in the event looked like Audrey Hepburn. The woman was a lawyer, who was in her late twenties and early thirties.

 

Things started out normally. I went up to her and started talking to her. Instead of being that nice guy who asked too many questions, I started flirting with her. By flirting, I mean being playfull. The girl was laughing and having a good time. Then out of know where, two of my friends killed the intimacy and joined in the conversation. At this point, she was surrounded by three guys(me, and two of my friends). Then something crazy happened. Out of no where, two middle-aged guys joined in the conversation. I felt uncomfortable with all these other guys competing for her attention so I left. She was surrounded by about four guys now. Even with all the attention, she was extremely polite and friendly with the guys. She even gave one of the guys her email address. For the rest of the night, she got mobbed by the guys in the room the way Brittany Spears gets mobbed by the papparazi.

 

At the end of the night, her patience started wearing thin. This middle-aged gentleman was asking her all these questions about herself. The woman kept on conveniently excusing herself to get some appetizers. The guy realized what was happening and decided to just invite her to an event without asking for her a number. As she was leaving the building and heading to her car, this quiet guy did the stupidest thing ever. He started following her and asking questions like "Are you from around here?". The woman lost her composure and she walked QUICKLY to her car. She tried to blow him off with the line "It was nice meeting you". That guy got embarssed and rejected harshly in front of other people.

 

This is what happens in a lot of church singles groups. You have a lot of nice, older guys chasing that young, beautiful woman in the room, while all the other woman are completely ignored. The woman who is getting all this attention is initially flattered by the attention. But she eventually acts cold when she realizes how aggressive the guys can be. The guys at church can be even more aggressive than the young guys you see at bars and nightclubs.

[washburn1243]

Sounds like a reality show waiting to happen.

[galaxy71]

I have seen a guy wait in line to talk to a girl at church. I have also seen a church impose a strict age limit on the young adults group because the younger women felt creeped out by the older guys. This drama is pretty common place in church singles groups. That's why you have churches that do not have young adult groups or singles groups because they don't want to have the drama that comes along with it. At another church, this one girl tried to get a restraining order on another guy in the young adults group.

 

I felt sorry for that quiet guy who got embarssed in front of several people. He's a good guy. He didn't approach her during the event because she was surrounded by several guys. Instead, he decided to wait for her to be by herself before he made his move. By waiting for the right moment to approach her, he ended up creeping her out. This is why guys have to approach women even if she is conversing with someone else.

[friscodj]

I am sorry. But it was total madness at this church social.

 

At another church, this one girl tried to get a restraining order on another guy in the young adults group.

 

Nothing like some good, healthy, mutually guilt-motivated sexual repression to bring out the best in people.

 

I'd stay away from that racket buddy...I might see you on Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Church Group Predator"....great story though...

[Nightshade]

LOL, "To Catch a Church Group Predator"...

 

At my church, we have a similar situation. We don't have a singles group, but we do have the middle-aged single men vying for the attention of the young girls (early to mid-twenties). I don't know understand why they won't approach women similar to to their own age-bracket. Maybe due to mid-life crisises? Overinflated egos? Plain 'ole lust? What is even more amusing is their childish behaviour towards the younger men. This one particular middle-aged guy developed a thing for a twenty-six year old woman. She had her eye on a guy who was a couple of years younger than her, and the younger guy seemed to return the feelings. When the middle-aged man learned this, he took many opportunities to bad-mouth the woman to the other guy, flat-out calling her a gold-digging s*ut. Young Guy became concerned that this might be true. After all, why would this older, more mature man (and a “Christian” to boot), warn him to stay away if he did not have the Younger Guy’s best interests at heart? Younger Guy backed away from any possible relationship… only to learn that Middle-Aged Guy was after that very same girl, and wanted to marry the so-called “Jezebel”, regardless of her gold-digging and trampy ways.

 

After I heard this story, the first thought that came to mind was, “How would Middle-Aged Guy explain his turnabout and sudden desire to marry the girl to Younger Guy?" Maybe claim it as an act of Christian charity to save the woman's soul from eternal damnation?

 

We have many dramas like this at church (who said church was boring?). I will leave it at that, before I start whining about I-Forgot-My-Wallet Guy, who never pays for his date’s meal— or his own.

[Locke2121]

Ah man! You were doing so great! Ok, the next time this happens, here is what you do. Your talking and flirting, getting along great. Here come the friends..well since you can't blast them with heat vision, just introduce her to them, they say hello, she says hello yada yada yada AND THEN, you say "Excuse us guys, me and ##### were just about to go for a walk." and you crook your elbow at her. I'm sure she knows that she is about to get mobbed, so she puts her arm through yours and off you go.

 

You get away from the crowd and walk around for a bit, maybe ask her out to coffee...its not important. What is important is that you control the situation instead of loosing control. You keep her from getting swarmed and make the perfect impression of white knight, nice guy and confident man with her

 

Remember that for the next time!!! Good luck.

[Batya33]

I have been the "center of attention woman" at a religious social a few times and if a man I just started speaking with a half hour ago took my arm and did that I am certain I would pull away and possibly say something as well. I am approachable, warm and friendly but I want my physical space respected by a stranger. He wants to ask me to dance and hold me a little on the dance floor, fine but reaching out to take my arm - I don't think so. Too aggressive. Also, it's patronizing - it is her choice when and how to leave the conversation.

[Locke2121]

He wouldn't TAKE the arm...he would OFFER. He would be offering you the chance to allow him to run interference from a soon-to-be hoard of horny guys. He wouldn't be grabbing you up and throwing you over his shoulder. Its YOUR choice.

[Batya33]

OK - I didn't understand - offering his arm is fine if he's willing to take the risk that she says no or she says yes but simply uses him to get away from them.

[Leonhart]

One reason why church SINGLES groups don't work. Thank God my church does not have one. Sure, we have something that enables people of certain age brackets to get together, but not a 'singles' group, per se. Church is NOT for hooking up or meeting the opposite sex. It's for strengthening your relationship with the Lord. I don't care who disagrees with me on that. I stand my ground firmly that that is the purpose of church - and ALL church related activities.

 

Anyhow, our church used to have a youth group function, which was for a certain age bracket, and now it has something of a college and career motif. This works far better than a 'singles' group which transforms the church into a meat market. In this regard, both young men and women who are serious about God will come to learn and have fellowship with one another, without having to fear or worry about interruptions by older adults who clearly do not belong there. Basically, if you're over 30, you'd be better off going with prayer or bible study on a different night. It's not exclusitory, it's a smart decision by the leadership to ensure that what you just described, DOESN'T happen. But the last thing they have in mind, I can assure you, is for the guys and girls that go, go with the intent of finding a mate. That is certainly not the primary function of such a gathering.

[Luke Skywalker]

I've been to church singles groups and have not experienced any of these problems. They were normal groups that joined together for prayer and bible study, and afterwards mingled. People will just mix and socialise with everyone and generally anyone can go up and talk to anyone so no big deal.

 

Depends on the type of church and administration. Most churches I've visited are just normal. Stick to the bible, strengthening relationship with the Lord and fellowship with other people afterwards.

 

Only one church in my recollection had a problem, where I felt there was a clique formed in some groups where I felt excluded or not with the 'in-crowd'. It turns out that was a heiarchacal church where most of the people were poor and black and paying 10% of their income on tithes, while the elite white pastors lived in luxury with $ 12 M in assets. I left that church a couple of years ago.

 

You just have to check out the right types of churches I guess until you find one that works for you and gets you where you want with the Lord with normal fellowship.

[CaptainPlanet]

Women seem to think intellect is important. Perhaps next time you have a conversation with a girl at this church you should discuss with her the finer points of fluid dynamics and its applications in the transport of siliciclastic sediments.

 

Bound to be a winner.

[scotty77]

Church is NOT for hooking up or meeting the opposite sex. It's for strengthening your relationship with the Lord. I don't care who disagrees with me on that. I stand my ground firmly that that is the purpose of church - and ALL church related activities. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Not sure I agree with that.I would love to meet a woman who shares my own religious beliefs and I wish my church had more activities that made it possible.

 

Basically, if you're over 30, you'd be better off going with prayer or bible study on a different night. It's not exclusitory, it's a smart decision by the leadership to ensure that what you just described, DOESN'T happen. But the last thing they have in mind, I can assure you, is for the guys and girls that go, go with the intent of finding a mate. That is certainly not the primary function of such a gathering.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I would assume that bible study in my particular

area would only be attended by significantly older individuals,so I don't think it would be a good option......for meeting someone.

[Leonhart]

I only meant in reference to Sunday service. You go to 'church' (that is, Sunday Mass, service, worship, etc.) to worship God, not to get tail. Seriously. There's nothing worse than a guy who infiltrates the church with only one thing on his mind - and it ain't the Lord! lol You know the type I'm talking about.

 

If you're serious about meeting someone with like precious faith (as am I), then going to things like bible study, prayer, social events, etc. is a good way to interact with people. Age has nothing to do with it. My church has all sorts of young people at our bible studies... it's about 50/50. There's always college and career groups as well. Does your church have these functions? If not, and there's demand, consider asking your leader to implement them.

 

And if all else fails, you could try going to another church. Not with the sole intent of finding a mate, that's silly. But maybe in hopes of deepening your social network and making some new friends. You could even go to mass/worship/whatever at one church and go to another for social interaction. I've done it and seen it done numerous times.

 

Basically, just go where the action is! lol And people with faith are all around you, not necessarily just at church. Many people with faith don't even go to church!

 

Oh yeah, if you're a believer, then just trust God and He'll bring you the right person. Sure, you've got to do your part too - trust me, I'm guilty of pawning it all off on God myself - but if you trust Him to do His part, while doing yours, things will work out.

[scotty77]

I only meant in reference to Sunday service. You go to 'church' (that is, Sunday Mass, service, worship, etc.) to worship God, not to get tail. Seriously. There's nothing worse than a guy who infiltrates the church with only one thing on his mind - and it ain't the Lord! lol You know the type I'm talking about.

 

If you're serious about meeting someone with like precious faith (as am I), then going to things like bible study, prayer, social events, etc. is a good way to interact with people. Age has nothing to do with it. My church has all sorts of young people at our bible studies... it's about 50/50. There's always college and career groups as well. Does your church have these functions? If not, and there's demand, consider asking your leader to implement them.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------My church has similar functions to the ones you describe...I think. It is an option I am thinking about.

 

And if all else fails, you could try going to another church. Not with the sole intent of finding a mate, that's silly. But maybe in hopes of deepening your social network and making some new friends. You could even go to mass/worship/whatever at one church and go to another for social interaction. I've done it and seen it done numerous times.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sounds like a good idea.

 

yeah, if you're a believer, then just trust God and He'll bring you the right person. Sure, you've got to do your part too - trust me, I'm guilty of pawning it all off on God myself - but if you trust Him to do His part, while doing yours, things will work out.---------------------------------------------------------------I am hoping God can help me out.

[Leonhart]

I think He's got it covered. lol

[ghost69]

going to church to sin. wow.