old and dried up coworkers

[gradle]

ok, so im really frustrated with my coworkers now. both are married and about 25-27. and they start talking about how women are supposed to have all of their children by the time they're 30. i realize that there are some risks associated with having children after that age but i was offended, especially since these words were coming out of their mouths (both claim to be very open minded people).

 

part of the reason i was offended was because i am 26 and single and doubt ill have children by the time i'm 30. and not just that, i would hate to rush into something like having a child with someone i'm not completely in love with just to make sure the child is healthy. wouldn't you rather have loving parents than parents are only together in order to have kids before they're "old and dried up"? also, several of our coworkers are older and single and some have kids. and, in this day and age with better healthcare resources that are pretty widely available, how can you say something like that?

 

what drives me crazy is that in the aisle next to us are very religious people, who are all single and in their late 20s and mid thirties and would never dare make an offensive comment like that. yet these "open minded" coworkers are always disagreeing with them about things and criticizing them. i'm pretty liberal and laid back adn completely disagree with my "open minded counterparts" on their views of childbirth and marriage. i feel like they're fake open minded.

 

i wish i knew how to approach my coworkers and either avoid this topic or to better argue my point.

[Jayar]

I'd just avoid it and live your own life, personally. And besides, I believe the OFFICIAL age is 40, not 30... People who have kids in their 20's are probably regarded now as having them rather young.

[Jayar]

Interesting reading:

 

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There are two pages.

[Hope75]

Gradle,

 

Your "open minded" friends are slightly misinformed. While the risk for defects as well as multiple births does go up slightly in women in their 30's, and a bit more after the woman is 35, women are having healthy babies into their 40's now-a-days with no complications, thanks to longer lifespans, more education on a healthy pregnancy, and more advanced testing and technology.

 

In fact, the risk for Down's syndome in a woman in her 40's, although quite a bit higher than a woman in her 20's, is still only 1%. So while the risk is there, close monitoring, a good diet, the right vitamins before conceiving and into the pregnancy, appropriate exercise, and good control of such health issues such as hypertension and diabetes all help older moms carry a healthy newborn to term.

 

We do have to remember that we are born with all our eggs already stored, so as we age, they age too, bringing up the risk for problems later in life.

 

Interestingly enough, the average age for a first baby went from 24.5 years old in 2000, to 27.2 years now. Trends show that this age will likely continue to climb as more women are attending college and joining the workforce as a substantial contributer to a couple's income.

 

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Marcia Cross from desperate housewives just had her first babies (twins!) at 44. While that is a bit excessive it's really not terribly unusual. And studies are showing that as young people pursue second careers and get married later in life, more and more woman are putting off childbirth into their 30's and 40's.

 

(myself included!)

 

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[itsallgrand]

Oof! Sounds like they are trying to justify to themselves their own decisions in life.

 

Maybe they are starting to realize that following the herd does not necessarily bring happiness.

 

Just ignore 'em. It's nothing personal. It is somewhat insensitive of them to be spouting off their personal opinions so fiercely at work in front of others they know are coming from a different place, but there isn't much you can do to stop them.

[Batya33]

My sister has two kids with special needs. The first she had when she was 26, and the second she was 28. The children she had at age 30 and 34 are completely normal/healthy. Remind these women that sure there might be an increase in the chances of birth defects but given the high divorce rate for people who marry very young and/or marry just to have children, that normal child can become quite unstable if he or she has to go through a tough divorce/tough living situation.

 

You should tell them it's none of their business. They probably aren't getting any at home so they need some way to feel empowered.

 

And where I live, many women have their first children in their late 30s/early 40s with no problem and have children well into their 40s. While I am very saddened that I am 40 and childless I made a decision in the last few years that I would not have a child on my own by choice because it would be too unfair for the child. I decided many years ago that I would never (!) marry just to have a child. For one thing, what if it turns out you can't have children, or he has fertility issues, etc. And is it fair to the child to be brought up in an unhappy marriage?

 

I am sorry you have to work with these horrid people.

[Altruist]

...While I am very saddened that I am 40 and childless I made a decision in the last few years that I would not have a child on my own by choice because it would be too unfair for the child. I decided many years ago that I would never (!) marry just to have a child. For one thing, what if it turns out you can't have children, or he has fertility issues, etc. And is it fair to the child to be brought up in an unhappy marriage?

 

I am sorry you have to work with these horrid people.

 

But you do want a child? If so you can let that be the motivation for marriage. I know we all talk about finding THE ONE, but love can grow, and usually does, within the confines of marriage. YOu only need to shae the same ideals. Most of the time people are just infatuated when they marry. Love grows afterwards. Of course that's just my opinion.

[Batya33]

But you do want a child? If so you can let that be the motivation for marriage. I know we all talk about finding THE ONE, but love can grow, and usually does, within the confines of marriage. YOu only need to shae the same ideals. Most of the time people are just infatuated when they marry. Love grows afterwards. Of course that's just my opinion.

 

Yes I want a child and yes I have thought about it from that perspective (and every other). For me, I am not sure I could form a happy marriage based on that standard. Others might be able to and I would completely (!) support someone who said he/she was getting married based on that standard.

 

I've been proposed to several times and the first time certainly met your standard - I was 23 at the time and desperately wanted to be married (that desperation decreased to nothing once I went back to school and gained a lot of self-confidence, and then made a life for myself where the status of being married wasn't essential for me to feel like an accomplished person). We were engaged for five days and I realized that to marry him - I believe I loved him, good guy, would have been a good husband and father - would be settling.

 

I also think your standard works only if the couple share that in common.

 

Finally, at 40 I have had the benefit of seeing marriages that work, don't work, end in divorce. I've seen every combination I think - a bad marriage where they were head over heels, a good marriage that started out as head over heels (married 20 years), a marriage based on your standard that lasted 20 years but never had passion, etc. Kind of a crapshoot I guess ;-)

[Altruist]

^ Would you consider having a child out of wedlock?

[Batya33]

I would consider conceiving while engaged with a wedding already planned. In my personal opinion, I don't think it's fair to the child to be raised in a home with two parents who are not married to each other where the decision to conceive was a choice (as opposed to a true accident). I know many disagree, which is why I wrote that it's just my personal opinion.