Proper waiting period?

[Moriarty]

My boyfriend of four years broke up with me a month ago. We were each other’s first loves and this has been really difficult for me. I wouldn’t say the breakup was mutual but it probably is the best thing for both of us. But he wants to still be friends and, after I heal, I would really like to be his friend too.

 

The problem is that I recently found out that he is seeing someone else. What makes this impossibly painful for me is that he started seeing that someone IMMEDIATELY after he broke up with me. I’m sure they were already talking and flirting for a while but he didn’t even let the dust setting on our relationship! In fact, he had left me with the impression that we would take it slow and possibly get back together after he took some time for himself.

 

I know I’m still hurting from the breakup and I don’t want this to cloud my judgment. Yet I really feel disrespected! He didn’t think I would ever find out and I asked him about this repeatedly and he always denied having met someone (I found out on my own). His reason for the breakup was that he was “changing.”

 

It almost seems like he was just keeping me on the backburner in case his new relationship fell through. And despite his intentions, if you ask me, after four years he should have at least waited a week or two. He hadn’t even returned my things!

 

Are my expectations of proper breakup etiquette wrong? If you were in my position, would you still be his friend?

 

Thanks!

[DN]

I don't think it is a good idea to be a friend immediately after a break-up anyway.

 

But I also don't think that there is any rule that says how long someone should wait before dating after it. The hard fact to realise is that him dating someone is not about you - it is about him. People move on at various rates after relationship - for some, the actual break-up was an end of a process. He was probably moving away emotionally some time beforehand. And he may well have been ready to date.

 

It is not disrespecting you or the relationship - it is not about that.

[DN]

Also - and I am not criticising you here - but only a few days ago you were posting about a crush you had on someone:

[willow2900]

I don't think your expectations were wrong at all. Reading your post was like reading what I myself went through a few months ago. I agree that certain relationships deserve a grace, waiting period before jumping into the dating scene.

But I guess that might just be me and you!

For me, he started dating his current gf 5 days after I moved out. He said all the things your ex seems to be saying to you: promises to get together, talking about future, not "counting you out" in his plans etc etc. These things hurt me tremendously, try not to fixate on them.

 

He has mentally checked out of your relationship for some time and that's why he was so ready to jump into something else.

 

Friends? Ah...that's up to you. Do you want to be friends with him or are you hoping that in staying friends with him he'll come back to you? If it's the latter, don't be friends. You will set yourself up for a world of hurt.

I had to go NC with my ex and it's been tough, but the best thing in the world. I still see him at work but it doesn't bug me as much anymore.

[Moriarty]

Yeah, I realize I'm crushing on someone else but that’s really just a coping mechanism. I want to get my life together too. But I'm still in pain about our breakup everyday. And I'm not necessarily upset with him for finding someone else, it’s just the timing!

[EvaGina]

Its just a rebound... dont worry about it.

[Moriarty]

Sorry for the additional post but I want to refine my point.

 

If we had no ties to each other, then I wouldn’t care what he did or with whom.

 

But he wants to be friends. Doesn’t that somehow change the equation? Of course, I want him to be happy but he literally started dating this new person within a day or two! And I don’t doubt the fact that he was ready for dating again but doesn’t he owe it to the ‘new friendship’ he wants to start with me to at least let me regain my consciousness? After all, friends are supposed to be considerate of each other. For the most part I’m a rational, understanding person and I want him to date. Yet this is pushing my limits; his actions seem nothing but selfish to me.

 

On the other hand, he is a really great guy. I don’t see us getting back together because, besides being in love with each other, we were complete opposites. But I sincerely want to be his friend. This is my dilemma.

[redsuede]

You are already hurting. You will be hurting even more if you tried to stay his friend.

 

You havent reached "survival mode" yet.

 

The only way out of pain in your situation is to break all contact..

 

Take care

[EvaGina]

Wish I could agree with you there Eva. My wife started dating 3 weeks after we 'officially' split. The second guy she dated (4 weeks after we split) she is still with. That was back in July & they're still together, in fact they live together.

 

In my opinion she was on the rebound with him but who can really tell. If it helps any we are still good friends but it took some time, it wasn't straight away.

 

But you guys are much older... and there are always exceptions.

 

OP, you need time to heal before you can be friends...

[Jayar]

He probably was trying to keep you on the back burner... Or else he plain didn't want to say "I'm sorry but there is no longer a future for us" because it would hurt you. But by seeing someone else he IS demonstrating that, in his mind, you are over.

 

So as hard as it is, break contact completely. Move on, and find better. You are young.