Suggestion

[sarge17]

I have a suggestion for everyone who has been in a relationship, or in a relationship, or at sometime plan on being in a relationship.

 

Please educate yourself on the following, especially if something don't feel right or you just cant put your finger on whats wrong or dont understand whats going on in your relationship.

 

Read up on NPD-Narrcissitic Personality Disorder..... BPD- Borderline Pesonality Disorder.....HPD- Histronic Personality Disorder. Educate yourself on these disorders ( read with an open mind) They say 10% of the population have one of these disorders.

 

I can almost bet that some of the posters will point at the screen and say thats her, thats him. or I'm reading about my ex. You will be surprised how the traits they describe will fit into your situation with uncanny accuracy.

 

It all has to do with an individuals lack of empathy and or conscious. They cannot be fixed. Sometimes it helps with closure when you have a break-up and dont understand what happened. Believe me if you have never heard of these disorders your in for an eye opening experience. It will probally explain your last relationship!! and roller coaster experience. They are emotional predators.

[Ash]

I for one don't buy into the statistics presented that 1 in 10 people have a personality disorder. I think our society is far too fast to hang a label on somebody because it's become the easy solution. This is not at all to say there aren't many people who do have the disorder.

 

It's in the same way I know of people who are on antidepressants because they've given up on themselves and are using the drugs as a crutch to avoid changing something else in their lives.

 

Too often people push a relationship too far, then blame the breakdown on some character flaw. What they needed perhaps to do instead was address the issues as they formed and evolved and made intelligent and appropriate decisions at the time.

 

All this being said, we would all be much better equipped if we did understand these disorders as not only do they represent what really does happen to some people, there are countless others who portray a subset of them for reasons other than a brain chemistry inbalance.

[arwen]

Personally, I find it dangerous to 'diagnose' an ex just because there is a label that may fit him or her. Most of us are not psychiatrists. Next to that, a lot of personality disorders are a set of personality features that may in part be present in most people. We are all selfish to a certain extent, that doesn't make us narcissistic. The same holds for BPD, which is in fact a list of characteristics and someone who gets diagnosed has a certain score on that list.

 

Finally, IF someone would indeed be diagnosed as either of the above, does that make them 'emotional predators'? Because that would imply that they do so on purpose, while in fact a disorder means that they have behaviours that they cannot control the way other people mostly do.

 

If 10% of the population has one of these disorders, it is in fact NOT probable that that will explain everyone's last relationship, as you state. 90% would still be uncovered by that, roughly put. I think mostl relationships that fail, do so because the personalities don't match, NOT because one of the partners must be labeled as having a personality disorder.

 

Arwen.

[Skippy]

Everyone has some form of disorder and to certain extents. I think sitting down a write/listing problem with your ex is probably waste of time (unless youare considering getting back with them). I think a more productive way of moving on with life is to understand your fault and limitations and find someone that is compatible and complimentary to both your behviours and needs.

[majord23]

I for one don't buy into the statistics presented that 1 in 10 people have a personality disorder.

 

In reality, the percentage is slightly higher...but that figure includes those who are institutionalised (hospital or prison), so the real number lies somewhere between around 2 - 6% in society.

 

I agree that PDs are very difficult to diagnose, as are just about every Mental Illness (in terms of distinctions between various disorders).

 

To the OP: Yes, there may be those who have exes, or may be in a relationship with someone who has a PD - but remember that as someone who has emotional investment in that person, your 'diagnosis' is coming from a biased standpoint....and PDs are subjective at the best of times.

 

I know what you are saying with your post, but think it would apply to a very small number of people - and I'd hate to have people diagnosing a problem with an ex/partner and absolving themselves from *any* blame for problems in a relationship.

[arwen]

I know what you are saying with your post, but think it would apply to a very small number of people - and I'd hate to have people diagnosing a problem with an ex/partner and absolving themselves from *any* blame for problems in a relationship.

 

That is exactly what I find dangerous about it. In most cases, both partners own part of the reason why the relationship didn't work. And being blind to your own part will certainly not help you for future relationships.

 

Arwen

[sarge17]

To the above posters

 

Read some of the posts on breaking up..................... I would call most of them emotional "something". I'm not diagnosing. I said read with an open mind, and educate yourself. Do normal, healthy, people do what some of the posters say about their bf,gf,ex or whatever????

 

Read the bottom paragraph very carefully. It explains it all. There are people who cannot feel empathy, or intamacy and have no conscious. I'm no expert and dont claim to be but after reading a lot of these breaking up posts, I think the shoe fits. This is why some people can say "I love you" in the morning and be with the mailman that night.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I have read up on those disorders and frankly I think it’s just a fancy name for someone being a jerk. Most of the people who put a big label on someone have only their stilted views of that person’s behavior as the basis for their assessment. You have a very subjective view of what is going on. The only way a diagnosis can be properly made is if a trained professional examines them with objective view and a scientific method. Even then the whole of psychology is a difficult field because no one label will ever fit a person wholly.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

i have read that the statistics of emotional disorders are increasing because insurance requires therapist to label the patient in order to continue treatment.

 

So, I dont fully trust those statistics.

[Ash]

In reality, the percentage is slightly higher...but that figure includes those who are institutionalised (hospital or prison), so the real number lies somewhere between around 2 - 6% in society.

 

I find it confusing. Some surveys talk about the percentages of poeple who have at some point been diagnosed and others imply (but don't always state) that they might be current cases. I'd be more apt to find it believable that 1 in 20 (5%) wre diganosed with something at some point, but didn't all suffer at the same time. I do realize that sometimes this is a long term diagnosis but I suspect also in many cases the symptoms are not prevalent all the time.

 

Still, an interesting subject to study.

[majord23]

To the above posters

 

Read some of the posts on breaking up..................... I would call most of them emotional "something". I'm not diagnosing. I said read with an open mind, and educate yourself. Do normal, healthy, people do what some of the posters say about their bf,gf,ex or whatever????

 

Read the bottom paragraph very carefully. It explains it all. There are people who cannot feel empathy, or intamacy and have no conscious. I'm no expert and dont claim to be but after reading a lot of these breaking up posts, I think the shoe fits. This is why some people can say "I love you" in the morning and be with the mailman that night.

 

sarge, with all due respect mate - I have studied (and indeed looked after) people with the very disorders you are advocating we learn about, for quite a number of years.

 

The posts in the breaking up forum are from one point of view...and whilst I am not saying they are exaggerated, they are still from *one* point of view. And on that basis alone, we cannot assume anything about whether they have a PD or not.

Yes it's a possibilty, but so are many things.

 

There is a big distinction to be made between someone being unable to feel empathy, intimacy or have a conscience in *one* relationship...as opposed to having a PD.

 

For example, I know a girl that I would swear to you (from my POV) had a PD - I would swear that she was incapable of sympathy, love or indeed had a conscience. I witnessed her treating some men atrociously. BUT she's now married and has an incredibly loving relationship - do you think her husband would agree with my original opinion?

 

She just hadn't met someone that she connected with.

 

That's what I mean by only getting one side of the story - it's may be accurate but it is by no means holistic.

[majord23]

I find it confusing. Some surveys talk about the percentages of poeple who have at some point been diagnosed and others imply (but don't always state) that they might be current cases. I'd be more apt to find it believable that 1 in 20 (5%) wre diganosed with something at some point, but didn't all suffer at the same time. I do realize that sometimes this is a long term diagnosis but I suspect also in many cases the symptoms are not prevalent all the time.

 

Still, an interesting subject to study.

 

You know what they say Ash - lies, damn lies and statistics.

 

I think any figures related to any illness (when looked at on a global scale) have HUGE margins for error.

[sarge17]

Major

 

I understand what you are trying to tell me and you are right.

 

I have a question. Is the lack of empathy a hallmark trait of a person with a cluster b disorder? That is what I gather from reading. Is that right? Also thay say most with these disorders have the emotional maturity of a 6 year old. Is this correct also? Just asking.