Does No Contact Work in the Long Run?

[Beaker5]

Hi guys,

It's me again. Today was a strange day because my ex was on my mind more than usual. If you remember, he dumped me for another girl on June 2006.

 

Well, since I moved to a different section of campus, I realized that my exboyfriend lives two quads away from me. So as you can probably tell, I've been avoiding him like the plague, always looking around before I leave and when I'm returning to my room...and once I saw him walking from far away towards my direction so I went completely around campus just to avoid him. Well, now I'm starting to wondering if I'm doing the no contact thing correctly..Imean, it's suposed to help the person heal faster and I felt that way for a while but since I've moved here, he's been in my mind a bit more and one night, I couldn't sleep because he was on my mind.

 

Well, today, after class, I was walking back to my apartment when I saw him from a relatively close distance and I immediately stopped before I ran into him and acted like I was tying my shoes, then I realized he increased his speed and practically powerwalked to his apartment. I also started walking toward my apartment but at a very slow pace so that the distance between him and I could increase. So it's pretty obvious that he's avoiding me as much as I've been avoiding me. Which is great! But today, I started thinking about how he had treated me and how many times he hurt me and how he cheated on me and I've just been really down.](*,)

 

This started to make me wonder when I was finally going to get over it and if I already had my closure. Can you have closure without talking to the person? And do you think I should have gotten over him already (Since June 2006 and it was a 3 year relationship)? I'm also starting to think that the whole no contact thing just works to a certain extent but doen't prepare you for when you see the person by accident. It's almost like running away from your problems; when you come back, your problems are still there.

[Dako]

Closure?

The last word?

Revenge?

 

I'd let it go, and focus on your future.

[in_the_mirror]

i think you will be fine, you can have closure without talking to someone, trust me sometimes talking again to gain closure, only makes things worse. i was in a bad 3 year relationship and did the nc thing and its been over a year and a half now and things are great because i don't talk to him.....any time he has tried talking to me he has just made things easier for me to know i made a good decision in leaving. just keep carrying on and don't worry about how much you think of him, you will have your good days and you will have your bad days...its just human nature and you can't help it.....

 

good luck to you, and good job with the nc, many people break but you are strong, good for you.

[Wandering_Sword]

It's normal to have good days and bad days. And it's good to hear that you are trying your very best to adhere to NC. As for the necessary duration needed to heal, that is an individual thing. Seeing him around is obviously going to slow things down, but at least you're making some progress. Overall, I think you're doing good for your circumstances. Keep strong and we're all here for you

[caro33]

The whole point of "no contact" is generally to give you space and time to heal. For some, it's also to have you do your utmost to not call them to ask them back or make yourself look desperate; you can't force someone to be honest with you or to love you, so it's best not to try. I actually think the main reason for no contact is more around the first element though: so you don't get more "material" to mull over or find stuff out that hinders you recovering from the hurt of not being wanted by them anymore. To avoid any further interaction until you're able to handle what comes of it.

 

Maintaining no contact is not going to render you immune to those uncomfortable bumpings into. That's contact! If anything, your discomfort and unhappiness about him being around is proof that having no contact is better for you, because the contact you are having is difficult. But in your case, the contact you are having is not your fault, it's just unfortunate circumstance.

 

So I guess the whole "no contact, does it work?" question is a bit beside the point for you. You have contact whether you like it or not. The real question is, what's best for you in managing this? I can certainly understand how hard this is, but what options do you have? Maybe:

 

- Move. This is extreme, but is it possible and might it help?

- Keep going as you are and try to feel better. You will feel better, by the way. But the nervousness about him being around might mean it takes a bit longer.

- Start to talk to him and see if it's better if you have some mutual respect and a nod to one another. Could you handle that, or does this open old wounds? Might it make one of you think the other is still keen?

 

For what it's worth, when my 10 yr live in relationship broke up it took me a year to get over the bulk of the hurt. I became grateful it ended, and over subsequent years I met other guys and moved on. Three or so years after it ended, I saw him and the woman I had always thought he left me for at a tram stop. They ignored me and I ignored them. My heart pounded and I thought I would be sick. I was full of hate for him too, for the first time I was angry at how he treated me and his whole disappearing act. My upset lasted a couple of hours and I was shaking.

 

Thing is, I had been FINE before that. I never imagined seeing him would affect me that way. In my view you can be "over" someone but still deeply affected when you see them. It's a clash of the past you tried so hard to get over, and the present. Don't worry too much about how you're healing beaker, this stuff hurts sometimes, no matter how "fine" you are.

[Beaker5]

Thanks Dako, in the mirror, Wandering Sword, and caro33

I really appreciate your responses

 

in the mirror:

So your ex tried talking to you even after a year and a half of no contact?

 

caro33:

I wouldn't want to move because this apartment is great and I actually moved from a crappy one to this one where I have my own room and have plenty of time and space to study.

Also, I think talking to him is completely out of the question. I really wouldn't care if I never spoke to him again, unless it was him apologizing and admitting everything that he did, which I think he'll never do..so that's pointless.

I agree about that clash from the past thing...It just get me really upset that I was so gullible and chose to believe that he wasn't cheating when in fact he was.

 

Do you guys think he'll ever admit it though? Like do you think he'll ever try to talk to me out of regret for what he did? Is that what people usually do? I'm just asking this because some of my friends have told me that their exes have returned to them after a while when something negative happened to them (I guess they start reflecting on their past) and they begin to apologize. Do you think my ex will do that?

[caro33]

Do you guys think he'll ever admit it though? Like do you think he'll ever try to talk to me out of regret for what he did? Is that what people usually do? I'm just asking this because some of my friends have told me that their exes have returned to them after a while when something negative happened to them (I guess they start reflecting on their past) and they begin to apologize. Do you think my ex will do that?

 

It seems many people hope this will happen, but it doesn't mean that it will. Who knows. It depends on who he is as a person and how he deals with things ending/guilt etc. It has never happened to me or anyone I am friends with, at least never in a way that they would welcome.

 

It is not worth holding out hope for, sorry. You are better off assuming he's moved on and he's doing whatever he's doing and it doesn't involve you. It's hurtful I know, but it's also most probably the reality. If he then plesantly surprises you then fine, it's a bonus.

[generalelectric]

As has already been said in this thread-Unless you have done something terrible to hurt someone or there is intense anger, I don't think no contact works at improving the relationship. A therapist once suggested my husband and I live separately to deal with our anger, and still meet at least once a week.

 

 

Presently, in my case, my husband said he needed six months to "figure himself out." I knew it was over; simply because if someone is in love and committed I don't think they should need any time to figure things out, never mind 6 months. I am struggling with our separation, but I don;t think I could ever stay with him. I am worth every bit of time spent with me! And so are YOU! Then again I am a bit of an idealist..

[caro33]

As has already been said in this thread-Unless you have done something terrible to hurt someone or there is intense anger, I don't think no contact works at improving the relationship. A therapist once suggested my husband and I live separately to deal with our anger, and still meet at least once a week.

 

I may be misunderstanding you here, but "no contact" is not supposed to improve the relationship. It's to help jilted people understand that it's over and to move on. If it's a defacto or married couple we are talking about who want to improve things between them and salvage something, then no contact is definitely not going to help things. That's when it's all about communication.

 

This "no contact" thing is definitely dependent on the situation and the people involved. It is not a cure-all or some rule that fits all circumstances, like the way people sometimes refer to it here. It is just a way of managing behaviour and is a means by which someone who is heartbroken can start to control their environment and come to terms with the ending of a relationship.

[kate111]

So what about when somebody leaves you after 3 years but says you can call them if you want etc?

 

If you want them back should you contact them?

 

Shouldnt it be up to them to contact you?

[caro33]

What are you asking though kate? Depends how open the whole thing looks, if there is a genuine chance of reconciliation. I've given some (lame) examples below...

 

Example 1

Person says "I don't feel like being in a relationship anymore, good luck with it all but I'm gonna be single. But hey, call me if you want". I think in this situation the dumped SO is better off leaving it alone. No contact. If the other person changes their mind they will know how to get in contact.

 

Example 2

Person says "Oh I'm confused, I do love you but I hate the way you do X and I can't take it". In this situation the dumped SO has an opportunity to get in contact and say "I'm so sorry, I swear I'll never do X again, can we give it a go please?". Then see what happens.

 

Example 3

Person says "I'm confused, I need some time apart. I don't know what I want. But hey, call me anytime". This is ambiguous and the dumped SO can choose to contact occasionally or choose no contact. Depends on whether the pain of contact outweighs the chance at reconciliation or not. Depends on whether the dumper is using code for "no it's over but I can't bring myself to say it" or not.

[kate111]

I'm in example 1.

[kate111]

Also there are some things I am angry about that the ex did that weren't right. So it's best if I don't speak to him unless he is willing to apologise or talk about stuff with me.

 

My heart will just have to catch up with my head on this.

[caro33]

I was example 1 too, as I think I've mentioned to you before. Tough to hear huh. But I agree you might be better for now keeping some space between you and him. You can always go back to tell him how you feel/felt in a few months or years. Your heart will catch up!

[kekep]

I think these words are spoken to ease the guilt of the dumper.

 

So what about when somebody leaves you after 3 years but says you can call them if you want etc?