Am I Being Unreasonable??

[bmk4343]

I’ll try to keep this short. Please just let me know if I’m being unreasonable… If I am being a crazy, stupid girl – help me stop!! If not what to do?!

 

I’ve been with my boyfriend 1-1/2 years. I think we have a really good relationship and I really love him and trust him. He mentioned to me last night going to California for a weekend to celebrate a female friend’s birthday.

 

He lived in California about 2 years. Met lots of people including a few girls he remains friends with. This girl, Jen, is one of his closer friends. I met her last year – great girl, very nice – we got along great.

 

He would spend the weekend partying and he’ll stay at her house with 2-3 other girls. She broke up with her boyfriend about 6 months ago – so she’s single now. They never dated or even hooked up while they were friends. And it’s not that I don’t trust him – but I HATE it. The idea of him going is making me feel sick.

 

Here’s how my brain perceives this – he’s traveling a ton for work that month. We won’t see each other at least 2-3 weeks between now and then. I feel like he’s leaving me to spend time with another girl. He’ll be staying in a house with a bunch of single girls and I hate that!!

 

Help!

[ghost69]

well, they do have a history....as friends though. it is your call. do you trust him enough? do you think he will do anything? who cares if they try anything, it's him you should worry about.

[Jayar]

I'd say don't worry about it... It's not like he has much of a choice (honestly) because her b-day comes once a year and she cannot schedule it for a less busy work-travel month, you know? If she's a good enough friend of his for him to go, you have two choices:

 

Either accept it, and trust him (I would, provided he hasn't done anything to make you think something could be up in the past) or don't trust him, don't accept it, fight with him and then when he goes (he still will) he will just be angry at you.

 

It's natural to feel weird about this, but the BEST way to go about it is to play it like you're cool, secure, even say something like "awesome! I'm gonna hit the spa for a weekend"

[ghost69]

yeah. tell him you are going out with the girls on the town all weekend long.

[JoeWho]

I can see how you could be a little worried about this, but like other posters have stated if he has proven himself to be trustworthy then you should have nothing to worry about. Have some fun that weekend, do stuff with your friends and tell him to have a great time and you'll see him when he gets back. He will really be happy with you if you are cool with it.

[Pinkbubbles]

I think that no matter how much a person says they trust their partner the idea of them spending a weekend with a group of friends of the other sex is unsettling in the slightest. You've said that you love him and you trust him so thats what you have to reassure you. Trust him until he proves you wrong.

 

I dont know if you have talked to him about it and I dont know if you want to but he might be able to make you more comfortable with the whole situation.

 

For what its worth I dont think you are a crazy girl, I think its pretty normal.

 

Good Luck!

[ghost69]

if he proves to be untrustworthy to you, move on. then you know to not allow this in the future. with the next guy you meet of course.

[Jayar]

if he proves to be untrustworthy to you, move on. then you know to not allow this in the future. with the next guy you meet of course.

 

Allow what? You can't DISALLOW something like this. And what's to say that the next guy wouldn't be trustworthy? Nope, each relationship is a CLEAN SLATE!

 

Of course if he proves to be untrustworthy, HE is gone... Don't let the same dog bite you twice.

[JoeWho]

Allow what? You can't DISALLOW something like this. And what's to say that the next guy wouldn't be trustworthy? Nope, each relationship is a CLEAN SLATE!

 

Yeah each relationship is unique, you cant punish one person for someone else's mistakes.

[blender]

There is nothing you can do to "make sure" someone is NOT going to stray.. you can only trust him, tell him to have a great time. You're only going to push him away with your insecurity, sure it's okay that you are feeling "not so great" about him going, and you can say that: "I'm not crazy about the idea of you being in a house full of girls, but I can't tell you what to do, so if you want to go, then all I can say is have fun, be safe, and I love you".

 

Then it's up to him to be trustworthy, and it's important to "trust him".. it is.. because even if he's on a business trip, or at the local mall, there are always going to be "other women" around in his life, and the MOST attractive quality a women can have is "confidence in herself".. so be confident about YOURSELF, and let him go, don't be angry because of what you're "imagining in your head as a worse case scenario"... instead, just trust that YOU will know in the long run if this guy is trustworthy or not.. your instincts will eventually guide you, but don't let "fear or insecurity" be your guide, that will only leave you feeling "icky and controllling" and he will then start telling you less and less out of fear that you'll start trying to control him... see what I mean?

 

But I do understand how you feel, I'd feel the same way if my boyfriend were taking that trip, I would hate it... but what are your options here? If you get all insecure and mad at him before you goes on this trip, it won't leave him with "good thoughts" but IF you can in a confident way say YOUR truth, which is: "I'm not so happy you're going, but your a great guy I trust you, and all I can do is say, have fun and I love you"... if you say that, then believe me it won't matter who he meets there, he will have his own love for you and his conscience as his guide....and I bet he will be looking forward to getting home to YOU.

[EvaGina]

Can you not go with him?

[ghost69]

well, u can question it, beat it with a stick. but you can't stop him.

[Batya33]

Same question as Eva Gina and also, why does celebrating a birthday mean partying the whole weekend? I would feel uncomfortable if it means him drinking/partying all weekend and staying in a house with other women without you there. Do you know these women? I am not saying he isn't trustworthy and I agree it doesn't matter if other women hit on him but it seems a little inconsistent with being in a mature relationship and it seems a little immature to want to spend the weekend partying with other women just because it's someone's birthday. Why can't he just get a cheap motel room? Does he party a lot like this at home?

[EvaGina]

Same question as Eva Gina and also, why does celebrating a birthday mean partying the whole weekend? I would feel uncomfortable if it means him drinking/partying all weekend and staying in a house with other women without you there. Do you know these women? I am not saying he isn't trustworthy and I agree it doesn't matter if other women hit on him but it seems a little inconsistent with being in a mature relationship and it seems a little immature to want to spend the weekend partying with other women just because it's someone's birthday. Why can't he just get a cheap motel room? Does he party a lot like this at home?

 

lol, we all saw how mental I went when my bf went away partying for the weekend... and that was with family!!

 

I do think its rude to not be invited to be honest... when you are in a relationship, once it becomes serious, then it should go without saying that when someone invited your bf, they invite the couple (not counting stag do's and the like of course, and its not an excuse to tag along to every function).

[blender]

Evagina, makes a good point, you are a couple now, and if you prefer that you be included in such events, then you have every self respecting right to express this to him in a confident loving way.. if HE then choose to not respect your feelings, well then you have some of your own decisions to make regarding whether or not you want to continue the relationship..right?

 

Because you can't "change him" or convince him your "right".. you can only express how YOU feel, what your values are, and then see if he shares these same values/standards regarding a relationship and if he makes a choice to respect them.. if not.. then there is no reason to stay in a relationship with any man who does not at least "consider your feelings" and offer some comfort, reassurance through his "actions/behavior" and not just his "words".

[anggrace]

How come you weren't invited?

[ghost69]

omg, why are so many women on here asking why she wasn't invited? what is the big deal?

[bmk4343]

I'm not sure why I wasn't invited by him. I think he knows financially it is difficult for me now (I have a horse who just had surgery).

 

I know the girls he'll be staying with - they are great girls. But like I said, when I met the girl who's birthday it is, she had a boyfriend. Now she is single and inviting MY boyfriend out (which she didn't do last year when she had her own boyfriend).

 

The girls are pretty young - my boyfriend is 27 - I believe they are 22-24. And they are pretty big on partying - a birthday means drinking and partying. Like I said, they became pretty close - nothing happened when they lived in the same state, but I still hate this!

 

I think I'll talk to him - express MY feelings like others suggested. There is a good chance he won't even go, but I want to get this out that I don't feel comfortable with it - so maybe he'll think twice when something like this comes up again. I'll post what happens after I talk to him.

 

THANK YOU everyone!!!

[ghost69]

if he doesn't go, he will resent you. i guarantee if you get in a fight over something it will come back up.