Is there a polite way to tell your boyfriend that one of his relatives annoys you?

[DinkyTeacup]

I am not sure whether or not this topic belongs in Relationship Communication or not, but it does deal with me wanting to say something to my boyfriend, so... here goes:

 

How can I politely tell my boyfriend that his grandfather annoys me to no end and that I prefer not to be around him?

 

I know that sounds terribly mean, but let me give you some background information and examples so you can better understand why he annoys me.

 

My boyfriend's grandfather is an ignorant, uneducated man who grew up in the poorest parts of a third world country- we're talking dirt-floored straw/mud huts with 18 kids type of poor. He's a nice man, but he is SOOOOOOOO annoying! He has habits that are nothing short of obnoxious and disgusting and he lacks normal mannerisms such as common courtesy.

 

Example #1:

Sometimes my boyfriend and I sit at his kitchen table when we are visiting, and play a boardgame with his little sister or maybe a game of cards. If his grandfather so much as hears us in the kitchen or sees us standing a centimeter near the kitchen table, he rushes in and starts harping loudly, "Time to eat! Dinner time! Time to eat! Dinner time!" in Spanish, over and over and over for at least 20 minutes. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that he sounds like a broken record. The man DOES NOT stop. It's ridiculous. He drowns out all conversation within the room with that idiotic charade. To top it off, he finds it humorous.

 

Example #2

If we happen to be at my boyfriend's house past 9 p.m., he will barge into any room with people and start squawking like a parrot, "Bed time! Bed time! Bed time! Time to go to sleep!" for another 20 or 30 minutes, as he marches up and down the halls. It doesn't matter to him that people are talking or watching television or reading. He walks around continuously shouting those words. After he quiets down, if you so much as pass him in the hall on the way to the bathroom, he reminds you that it's "bed time" another ten thousand times.

 

Example #3

My boyfriend's mother bought his grandfather a cell phone TWO years ago and the man STILL DOES NOT KNOW how to work it properly. Every single time we are there, without fail, his grandfather interrupts our conversations or movies or whatever else we're doing, to shove the phone in our faces and ask us to help him find such and such button.

 

Example #4

His grandfather used to smoke a lot and quit many moons ago, but he still has bouts of coughing now and then and the man just hacks up nasty stuff wherever he is, instead of doing that in the bathroom. I have literally gagged before in his presense, because it's just so gross. There's no need to do that in the livingroom into your open palm. That is something you do in private in the bathroom so you don't disturb or disgust others.

 

Example #5

The second his grandfather sees you on the phone, whether your cell phone or the house phone, he begins to make as much noise around the house as possible, on purpose, though no one else seems to notice. But I notice it, and it angers me. It's just so rude!

 

I just CAN NOT stand the man. I've asked my boyfriend before why his grandfather feels the need to behave like that, and my boyfriend blames it on the conditions his grandfather lived in over 40 years ago. He always uses his grandfather's past as an excuse for his rude, idiotic behavior. That's bologna, in my opinion. What does one thing have to do with the other? My mother's parents lived under the same conditions and circumstances and suffered a lot of terrible hardships under a dictator's laws and they have always been perfectly polite, respectful people. They don't act like morons.

 

So, I've decided that I have had enough of that old man's antics. You can't even ignore him- that's how annoying he is. I'd rather spend less time visiting if his grandfather is going to be home. How can I tell my boyfriend this? Or do I just have to suck it up and try my best to ignore his grandfather when we're over?

[ButterflyWrists]

the man could suffer from demensure, so they do annoying things, and dont really understand them?

[lady00]

Okay well what are the possible solutions here? If you tell your bf you'd rather not visit as much that will probably start an argument and make your bf feel badly. If you keep visiting and feeling the same way, you will continue to feel annoyed. I think trying to ignore it is probably your best bet. I just don't see the converstation going over well with your bf.

[rocio]

It doesn't sound like he's disrespected you in any way. I'm not sure what culture your bf comes from, but in many non-Western cultures, it is absolutely forbidden and completely disrespectful to say something negative about a person's parents or grandparents. I would be careful. Start spending less time over there if he bothers you that much. But avoiding telling your bf that you don't like his grandfather, that his grandfather is a moron, etc. I personally would find that absolutely low-class and disrespectful. This is his grandpa - the person who gave his parents life. He deserves all the respect you can possibly give him, regardless of his antics.

[DinkyTeacup]

It doesn't sound like he's disrespected you in any way. I'm not sure what culture your bf comes from, but in many non-Western cultures, it is absolutely forbidden and completely disrespectful to say something negative about a person's parents or grandparents. I would be careful. Start spending less time over there if he bothers you that much. But avoiding telling your bf that you don't like his grandfather, that his grandfather is a moron, etc. I personally would find that absolutely low-class and disrespectful. This is his grandpa - the person who gave his parents life. He deserves all the respect you can possibly give him, regardless of his antics.

 

I would never tell him that his grandpa is a moron or anything like that. I know it would be horribly rude and hurtful and low class. I wish there was just something one could say without starting an argument or stepping on someone's toes, so to speak.

[DinkyTeacup]

It doesn't sound like he's disrespected you in any way.

 

There was an incident once where I received an important work-related phone call and his grandfather started to make a lot of noise and talking really loudly. I excused myself and went into the next room to take the call and he only talked and laughed louder and made more noise so that I still couldn't hear or communicate properly with my boss. I politely asked my boyfriend's sister to please tell her grandfather to lower his voice for just a few minutes, but he refused to oblige. So yes, he is pretty disrespectful. Every time I get a call now, I have to literally step outside of their house.

[flower99]

my grandparents have owned a cell phone for 4 years & don't know how to use it....that's okay they know how to do MANY things we don't.

Pesonally I woudlnt' tell him how annoying his grandfather is. It's just seems a little judgemental to say that to someones family & it will hurt him. Plus it's not like the grandpa will change who he is...I don't think telling your bf will accomplish anything. Yeah grandpa might be annoying, but he deserves respect & understanding. On the up side, hes' trying to be funny rather than a bitter angry hurtful man.

 

I think your bf uses his past as an explaination, for you to be more understanding. You did say on point # 5 that no one else notices but you. Maybe you need to learn to love him because he's important to your bf. And if he were to die soon, you may regret feeling this way.

I don't mean to be rude, but you don't really have an option. Do you really want to avoid his home & family??? And sucking it up is hard,especially when you already find him annoying... but if you go into it, decieding to love him & accept him the way he is it might be a little easier.

[DinkyTeacup]

And sucking it up is hard,especially when you already find him annoying... but if you go into it, decieding to love him & accept him the way he is it might be a little easier.

 

I wish I could do that, but I'm a little resentful of my boyfriend's entire family. He had a rough childhood and his parents haven't been the best. In fact, his father just about ruined his life when he was a child. Long story. I might tell it someday on here.

 

Anyway, I remember when we started dating, his grandfather told him, "Why is a nice girl like that dating a guy like you? You don't deserve her!" My boyfriend had rough teen years, but he's an adult now and he works, owns his own car, has an apartment of his own, is mature and responsible. There is nothing wrong with him. I don't understand why his grandfather said that to him. It hurt us both.

 

I know my boyfriend still cares for his family regardless of the hell they've put him through, but I'm more guarded around them. I guess that's why I can't accept his grandfather. You are right, though, Flower. I should try to change my perspective. Thank you.

[EvaGina]

Your boyfriend is probably embarrassed anyway and quite worried about it.

I wouldnt say anything, what is it going to achieve? It wont change his grandfathers behaviour.

 

Never, ever try to get between your partner and his family. It is completely unacceptable.

[Iceman26]

I'd rather spend less time visiting if his grandfather is going to be home. How can I tell my boyfriend this? Or do I just have to suck it up and try my best to ignore his grandfather when we're over?

 

Obviously your boyfriend's family caters to the grandpa so I'd just be flat out honest with him.

 

Tell him you respect his grandfather and his love for his grandfather, but you don't want to be around him, especially around dinnertime and bedtime.

 

#1 and especially #2 would bug the crap out of me.

[flower99]

Ahhh.....that explains a lot. I was in a simliar relationship, knowing the rough childhood my bf had & the way his parents treated him. Made it incredibly difficult to be open & love them. I would go there guarded with no desire to get close to them. It's hard. But eventually I realized that, somethings got to change, since I can't change them. I can change myself, the way I look at them & feel towards them. Show them a life of love. If you plan on being with your bf for a long time, you'll be with them for a long time. And regardless of the way they treated him, it's still his family and like you said, he still cares for them. (: he's a good man. Pray for them and yourself for patience & understanding

Maybe your kindness & love will rub off on them.

[DinkyTeacup]

Thank you! I'm so glad someone can relate. My friends don't understand what I go through, because their spouses' families are nothing like my bf's family.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My boyfriend( whom I live with in our apartment... which his parents pay for) has the rudest parents I've ever met. They called my mother and proceeded to question her about my past sex life, accused my boyfriend of having a girlfriend thats supposedly tryin to get knocked up to steal money from their family, they refuse to speak any english in front of me( they are Romanian) and have said horrible things about me, right in front of me, but in another language.

 

My suggestion to you, tell your boyfriend how you feel, and simply make arrangements for your guy to come see you instead of you seeing him. But thats the diplomatic way..... the way my heart suggests, is you tell the grandfather for yourself that he's doing things that you find displeasing, and you would like him to stop.

[DinkyTeacup]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. My boyfriend( whom I live with in our apartment... which his parents pay for) has the rudest parents I've ever met. They called my mother and proceeded to question her about my past sex life, accused my boyfriend of having a girlfriend thats supposedly tryin to get knocked up to steal money from their family, they refuse to speak any english in front of me( they are Romanian) and have said horrible things about me, right in front of me, but in another language.

 

Wow! That is awful!!! I'm sorry you go through that. What horrible people.

 

I really want to tell his grandfather straight up that I find his antics annoying, because I always speak my mind, BUT I also know that he's not my grandfather and I'm not in my home and it would be VERY disrespectful, not to mention possibly hurtful to my boyfriend. I wish he had a normal family (which, most families aren't normal, so I guess I really wish he had a family with less problems). I think the most I can do is politely ask his grandfather if he would mind lowering his voice when he begins shouting and stuff like that. I've never been rude to him and I don't want to have to start, unless he disrespects me in some harsh, uncalled for way, which I doubt he'd ever do.

 

He annoys my boyfriend sometimes, too. I have lost count of how many times we've been in the living room chatting or watching a television program and the old man just waltzes in, stands in front of the TV or stands right in front of someone, his butt to their face, and interrupts everything. I just don't know how he doesn't think his behavior is rude.

[EvaGina]

I just don't know how he doesn't think his behavior is rude.

 

I can TOTALLY understand why you would want to rip his head off....

and I have had to deal with rude families too... but it sounds like he is just ocmpletely oblivious to anyone but himself and that if you care, its not his problem.

 

You have no idea what the culture he was brought up in is like, I still wouldnt say anything, its not worth the grief.

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Sounds like this grandfather simply is only concerned with himself... Honestly I would say something politely about it. Truth be told, I haven't said one darn thing to my guys parents, so instead my boyfriend gets the brunt of my rant about them. I don't suggest letting it get so bad as to say awful things about them to your guy. Yeah his grandpa sucks, but it's the grandpas issue annd your issue, not your guys. So theres a lesson I'm learning.

 

Hey at least you aren't in a foreign state, relying completely on your guys, grandfather for transportation. It's hell.

[DinkyTeacup]

Yeah, seems like it. I guess everyone is right about it possibly causing a conflict between my boyfriend and I. I don't want to start any problems. I'll just turn the other cheek whenever his grandfather is around.

[FrancisHouseman]

no matter what you say you are going t hurt your boyfriend's feelings.

 

I can totally see your point and see how annoying that could be, but he is an old man, he could have a ton of unresolved issues, he could be jealous, he could be old fashioned, he could hate technology, late bedtimes, sex before marriaged, he could feel left out when you are watching your movies and want to be noticed. He may feel invisible, we can't guess how he feels, but I think telling your boyfriend is not going to change anything, it will probably just mean you see your boyfriend less, hurt him, or maybe row abot it. You may have relatives that he can't stand.

 

I say this, because over the weekend my boyfriend really upset my mum without meaning to. My mum has this habit of interrupting people, or not really listenning unless it concerns her. She also talks really loud, she kinda shouts you down, if you try and not let her interrupt you, the pair of you end up shouting over each other, in abattle to dominate the conversation. She isnt a bad person, not malicious or anything she is just a bit 'ooh lets talk about my new shoes.. my new clothes' I love her to death but i never noticed it about her until my boyfriend pointed it out. He said "Everything has to revolve around your mum it drives me mad! if i talk about something she doesnt find interesting she turns it back to her.. its annoying!"

 

She doesnt even know she does it and for years i have just let it sail over my head. However she came round for a brew and i was talking to my sister, my mum started to interrupt and cut me off, like she always does because something came into her head and she wanted to say it without waiting for me to finish , she had already decided that she wasnt listenning to me she was waiting for me to finish, but i didnt let he, I talked louder to drown her out which resulted in her talking louder and then my boyfriend shouted "aghhhhh my effing head!! ive got a head ache and you are all shouting!!" my mum got really upset and said "Are you saying i shout?!" and she got up and stormed out of our house. Now she is all funny around my boyfriend scared to talk almost, feels like he doesnt like her.

 

It upset me too I got protective, I thought to myself about how annoying his mum can be sometimes and his dad and how i just sit there and smile politely because i wouldnt want to hurt anyone's feelings and I was upset that he felt he had to say it out loud how much my mum annoyed him, because he just upset the pair of us and now i visit my mum on my own and she says "oh where is Paul?" and I say "oh he is busy.." and she looks hurt.

 

Im waffling now, but sometimes just keeping quiet, ignoring it, we arent going to like everyone or be comfortable with everyone, but sometimes it just isnt constructive to say it!

[DinkyTeacup]

I've ignored his grandfather's antics the past couple of days we've gone to visit. It's not as hard as I thought it would be. Thank you to all who gave their advice. It helped a lot.

[TheFoglifter]

... just don't know how he doesn't think his behavior is rude."

 

What makes you think it is unintentional? You said he thinks a lot of what he does is funny. He is a bully and you are his target. Unfortunately, just like when dealing with a rude boss, your only options are to deal or leave.

 

There aren't many actions you can take that wouldn't put your boyfriend between a rock and a hard place. Obviously the grandfather has the influence to get people to side with him, so unless your boyfriend is ready to cut out his family, you are stuck.

 

You said earlier that your bf has an apartment. Why are you hanging out as the house with the grandfather then? If he has his own apartment, wouldn't it be much more fun if the two of you could be alone?

 

Otherwise, all you can really do is completely ignore him. Act like he doesn't exist. Talk around him, through him, whatever it takes to pretend he is not there. No matter WHAT, do not show any visible annoyance, as it will fuel his fire and you'll have to work twice as hard to recover the ground.