A truely unique situation

[unsureself]

Greetings everyone, this is my first post and i'm hoping to gain some insight on my current situation.

 

I am a 23 year old college student dating another college student, we like each other a lot, and treasure the time we spend together however...

 

Here's the situation (this is a long story so sit down for this one):

 

She has been living for her boyfriend for over a year and absolutely hates his guts. She dislikes his living habits, he pays no attention to her nor does he show any gratitude or affection (on top of that he's not much help around the house either).

 

In the span of two months, I know more about her and helped her with her problems more than he has in over a year.

 

Whenever she needs someone to talk to for support, she always comes to me because "[she] trusts me more than anyone else in [her] life" (her quote)

 

When he first started getting close, she didn't want me involved, since she is in a relationship that she doesn't want to continue. In my opinion, she's worth the risk, she's a wonderful girl who treats me like a king, and in return, i treat her like the queen she is.

 

So why doesn't she just leave him? It's sad really, it's because she can't afford it.

 

She just recently purchased a house which he is going to move into with her and share in the mortgage payments. I'm a college student and can barely get by with classes and my minimum wage part-time job, living at home.

 

So here I am, with a beautiful, talented woman who adores me as much as I adore her, who's stuck living with an inept musician that she can barely tolerate.

 

She says she can afford to dump him by May, and if he grows suspicious of us (since she is actually cheating on him) she'll just tell him straight up that she's found another man.

 

Whenever we're apart and I think about the situation, I begin to have doubts if this is right, or if it's even worth the headache and heartache. But when we're together, those doubts seem to melt away.

 

I haven't dated anyone for over 5 years before finding her, she is interested in a long-term relationship as am I.

 

I'm starting to wonder if all this is worth it, or if I should find someone else?

 

This is going to be one helluva spring ](*,)

[RayKay]

First off, she is not "stuck" living with him. She chooses to stay with him. Even if for money, she is CHOOSING to use him and stay

 

Yes, she is cheating on him. No matter how beautiful she is, that is an ugly thing to do. And don't imagine that you are so different she might not do the same to you...and hang on for the money.....

 

She is also telling you she does not "adore you" enough because she is still with him...now if that is what being treated like a "King" means to you...fine, but I have to say your expectations are really low, so don't be surprised if the reality turns out that way too.

 

I know it is tempting to make assumptions of their relationship...but I would be surprised if she is even telling the whole truth. It is not unusual for cheaters to lie about still sleeping with their partners, or be telling them they are in love with them, etc. She is BUYING A HOUSE WITH HIM! I can tell you that is a significant thing to do with a partner.

 

I would suggest you end it....and ONLY be with her once she has finished that relationship for good.

[unsureself]

Solid advice, and I do kinda feel stupid not seeing this earlier.

 

There's a little more context to my story.

 

I've known her for 3 months before we started dating.

 

She's friends with all my friends (or I'm friends with her friends, i'm not sure)

 

They all kinda put me up for dating her, which is why I believe her about her having a deadbeat bf. But cheating is cheating, which still makes me feel a tad sick.

 

Perhaps putting this on pause until she gets things sorted would be best.

 

With this many supporters, it'll be tough not put all this on hold, in the end, I hope things work out.

 

Thanks again, i'll keep you all posted on how things work out.

[EvaGina]

Shes a cheating gold-digger and she has you wrapped around her little finger... she is NOT a "queen".

[Dako]

Maybe this is only unique to you.

You're attracted enough to overlook the facts.

Wishful thinking is blinding you to her manipulation.

 

Think of all she's said about her BF, a guy she was committed to, but now cheats on.

You're next.

[Spugly Fuglet]

I think she sounds grate, smart lady has 2 guys, one helping her get a house the other lining up to take over should it go south, and if you bouth don't pan out she can all ways rent the house, shes a wiz.

 

Ill bet shes soul owner of the house, the deposets all hers as no dead beet musiton boy freand will have any real cash.

 

Me I would marry her, bet she bargains with shop keeps to for all her white goods.

 

I wonder do you have good job prospects once your done with collage, this lady sounds like shes lining up "DADDY" for the nest shes biulding, you got to ask your self are you ready for kids?

 

hell of a girl ya have there.

[Cyprian]

Shes a cheating gold-digger and she has you wrapped around her little finger... she is NOT a "queen".

 

Well said.

 

What kind of person have you fallen for? Someone who admits that she is staying with someone for the sole reason of using him for his money? Morals, ethics...do these words mean anything to you? What kind of person would do such a thing to another human being, no matter how badly he treats her?

[QuestSanity]

1) Good luck. I hope things work out for you in the

end because its always good to hope that people

who take chances in love get what they want.

 

2)Im a bit older and Im sorry to say, this situation doesn't seem

that unique to me. Seen it time and time again before.

Only help I'd give is to examine your own words carefully

because when your heart is involved its always hard to

think clearly, (seen that quite a few times before as well).

 

"She dislikes his living habits, he pays no attention to her nor does

he show any gratitude or affection (on top of that he's not much

help around the house either). In the span of two months, I know more

about her and helped her with her problems more than he has in over

a year."

 

You cant possibly know this for sure can you? Unless you're

able to some how render yourself invisible and can watch them

both interact when you are not there? What you are hearing when

you talk to her is one half of a conversation or case. Consider this-

why should her bf be nice to her? Maybe he subconsciously

suspects that her feelings for him are not as profound as they

should be- (she could for example, be spreading their personal

relationship business to other people).

 

"So why doesn't she just leave him? It's sad really, it's because

she can't afford it. She just recently purchased a house which

he is going to move into with her and share in the mortgage

payments."

 

This alone should tell you a lot- If she hated her boyfriend this

much, (a key word being bf, not husband or father of her kids for

example) then she would leave him- period. Im assuming you

are writing from a country where women are emancipated? If

so then dont deceive yourself into believe she's helpless in all this.

If she truly loved you, then it shouldn't matter that you dont

have money right now- she would be willing to invest in your

future together. She's staying with him because she's using him to

get something she wants- i.e. a house. She is using you to get the

emotional support she's not getting f from him. So she's using the

resources of two men to get her needs met.

Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you can truly fulfull ALL

her needs. Because the ones that you cannot might be

being met by somebody else even if you do get together.

[unsureself]

I can't believe how stupid I am, looking at my situation in a different light (thanks to all of you) I deserve to get slapped in the face for putting myself in this position.

 

The next chance we get, we're gonna have a serious talk, and then I'll find out if all those things she said to me are true or not. (it's past midnight as i type this because i can't sleep).

 

Me or him, she's gotta choose, but if this keeps up i don't think i can live with myself.

 

I'm starting to get butterflies from this, hope i dont get an ulcer.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[ghost69]

first of all, you should never have gotten involved with a chick with a bf. that is something i don't do. that keeps these situations away from me.

 

2nd, this whole 'she can afford to leave in may' stuff is crazy. she gave you a date to leave this guy too? pffft. the only way i could see her staying is if there is a lease with her name on it binding her to the place, but she should just go if she is so unhappy.

[TheFoglifter]

If she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Also, if he is really sharing the mortgage payments, then when their relationship does go sour, she will almost certainly lose the house. If she is the owner and she draws up a rental agreement which he signs, then that is different, but if each of them are making payments towards the mortgage then even if she IS the "owner" on paper, he can still sue her for his share of the equity.

 

If her financial situation is so precarious that she cannot afford the house without rental payments, then she can't afford to pay out his share, and he could force sale. At that point, she'd need you REALLY desperately for your money and you'd be playing catch up.

 

Now you can have your fun with her and then dump her, but DO NOT get too emotionally invested in her.

 

You say "me or him, she has to choose". Do you honestly still want her? People do deserve second chances, but you would have to have your wits about you and guard your heart like CRAZY before letting your guard down. I know if I were in your position, and I agreed to the relationship after she broke it off with the other guy, I'd be sick with worry all the time.

 

Oh, and if she manages to get rid of him WITHOUT losing the house, how will you deal with the fact that this guy knows where you live. If he is the type who doesn't like to lose, you could be in for some serious problems. I can't tell you how many stories I've heard that ended up with broken windows and torched cars.

[ghost69]

this is an easy situation where you can hook up with her and leave. she can't say sqwat. lol

but you have feelings for her, so it's hard.

[TheFoglifter]

Yeah, be careful with those feelings as they'll only get you into trouble. I sympathize that it is tough because she is deeply rooted in your social circle, so keep your nose clean. She isn't worth losing friends over.

[ghost69]

so what are you going to tell her bf when he finds out. "we are in love" ?

[TheFoglifter]

If the boyfriend is blindsided, then the OP might have to talk with his fists instead of his mouth.

[ghost69]

exactly. and i don't think the bf is named duke, but he will have to put up with him.

[TheFoglifter]

Which is no picnic

[ghost69]

no woman is worth a fight. especially if the fight was caused by your actions.

[Dilly]

I think she sounds grate, smart lady has 2 guys, one helping her get a house the other lining up to take over should it go south, and if you bouth don't pan out she can all ways rent the house, shes a wiz.

 

Ill bet shes soul owner of the house, the deposets all hers as no dead beet musiton boy freand will have any real cash.

 

Me I would marry her, bet she bargains with shop keeps to for all her white goods.

 

I wonder do you have good job prospects once your done with collage, this lady sounds like shes lining up "DADDY" for the nest shes biulding, you got to ask your self are you ready for kids?

 

hell of a girl ya have there.

 

This is the best reply yet. You have a way of making your point Spugly and packing some power behind that punch! God, you sound fun!!!

[Dilly]

I can't believe how stupid I am, looking at my situation in a different light (thanks to all of you) I deserve to get slapped in the face for putting myself in this position.

 

The next chance we get, we're gonna have a serious talk, and then I'll find out if all those things she said to me are true or not. (it's past midnight as i type this because i can't sleep).

 

Me or him, she's gotta choose, but if this keeps up i don't think i can live with myself.

 

I'm starting to get butterflies from this, hope i dont get an ulcer.

 

Thanks again everyone.

 

Guy, you really really gotta cut her out of your life. She is BAD NEWS! Even if she thinks she is telling you the truth and even if she thinks she has good intentions, you are rolling around with a pig and you're going to get dirty, it's that simple. You're better than this, you don't need this ego trip that she's giving you and that's all you are to her, an ego trip. So let your jets cool and come back down to earth and be assertive about this and end it.

 

I'm glad you're here on the boards, keep coming back. It's really not healthy to let feelings go unquestioned and yours are having their way with you. The facts are the facts, like Dako said and you are simply ignoring them. We are all guilty of this at times, so I'm not picking on you, but this is a lose-lose situation for you.

 

You talk about "dating" her. It sounds so innocent, but it's not dating if she's running home to be boned by her boyfriend. And trust me, if she's living with him and especially since she's planning to until May (yeah right) - they are continuing to make love to the man she claims she can't stand, while picturing you in her head (right? - don't fool yourself). She's not worth your time.

[ghost69]

she might be seeing you on the side, telling you all of this crap, so when she finally does leave this other guy, you are the fuel behind making him mad over it. so she leaves him for you. then what. she will meet someone else while you two are together. long chain.