How do I know when to pay for my date?

[lessy20]

I think it's nice when a guy pays for the first date, but I always offer to pay my half. After that, either we pay our half or trade off paying for the date. It has also been dependent on the amount of money the guy has. I go to school and work full time, and some guys in college are rolling in dough from their parents, and money is nothing to them. Parents pay their rent, groceries, tuition, everything, as well as giving them spending money! In that case, I don't mind letting the guy pay for me sometimes, because we wouldn't be able to go out as often if I had to pay my way to go to dinner every time because I simply can't afford it.

[stark]

A man who buys me dinner is not buying my affections - it's a lovely gesture one which I intend to reciprocate if we continue dating.

 

How can you say its a lovely gesture when you expect and insist on men paying on the first date? Thats not a gesture, is a tax. What irks me is the perception woman et al go on about equal rights and respect within relationships but when it comes time to pony up suddenly they go all traditional, its double standards.

[Batya33]

How can you say its a lovely gesture when you expect and insist on men paying on the first date? Thats not a gesture, is a tax. What irks me is the perception woman et al go on about equal rights and respect within relationships but when it comes time to pony up suddenly they go all traditional, its double standards.

 

You must be confusing my post with someone elses. I expect that a man offers to pay on the first date (with a few emergency-like exceptions) if he asks and if he makes the plan (ie if I suggest going to the theater or a fanct restaurant - which I never would - but if a woman did then she shouldn't expect him to offer if it is out of his price range) -- and if he insists on paying - that is his choice - that is a sweet gesture, too.

 

If he does not offer to pay (whether or not he ends up paying - I often offer to pay my way) I typically will not go on a second date because I find not offering to pay unacceptable in most situations. I don't consider first meets through on line first dates but it is still a nice gesture for the man to offer to pay particularly if what we do is meet for coffee.

 

I am not surprised you confused what I said - often those who are not in favor of men offering to pay on the first date or first few dates find the need to see the woman as some sort of gold digger and thereforeeee read my "expect that he will offer to pay" as "expect that he will pay" or "expect that he will insist on paying." Not what I said, not what I believe.

 

I have never insisted on "equal rights" in a romantic relationship - for me, personally, I don't think the term "equal rights" is appropriate to a romantic relationship unless it is the legal relationship of marriage, and then the financial rights (equal or otherwise) are spelled out in whatever laws govern the marriage. I do expect respect in my romantic relationships just like I expect respect in my platonic relationships - nothing to do with gender.

 

In my relationship, when there is housework or cleaning to be done I do a disproportionate share, he does a disproportionate share of carrying heavy packages, etc etc. We never think of it in terms of "equal" but rather what is fair - what works for us and makes us feel comfortable. Nothing to do with some "feminist" sense of "equal rights."

[Batya33]

It would depend on how many dozens we're talking about. Two dozen in a year: I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Ten dozen: that's just taking advantage of others' generosity, and one step away from thievery. Nobody finds that many real potential partners in that span of time; I would find it distasteful, disreputable and scandalous, and give her a serious pass.

 

When I did on line dating, I accepted second dates (or, "first official dates") with some more than half of the men who asked me - my guess it wasn't more than 20 of such dates per year. I accepted the date if I was interested or if I was on the fence about my interest level. If the on the fence became a "no" during the date, I insisted on paying my way (or even treating, depending on what we did and what we had done on the first meeting). There were times that despite insisting strongly the man would not let me pay.

 

There were a few times where the man chose a very expensive restaurant (and yes I would say "we can go anywhere it's fine") and no, if he chooses a restaurant where the bill is a few hundred dollars (in one case he insisted on ordering an expensive bottle of wine - I told him not to as I drink less than one glass - I drank half a glass) - I am not going to offer to pay half - I will offer (as I did that night) to pay for the drinks after dinner or whatever we do after but I don't see why I should pay half when I would never have chosen that restaurant or ordered as he did.

[ghost69]

i usally pay for one meal. then they get the next.

[TheFoglifter]

If you are the man, you pay. If she is a woman worth dating, she'll pay for snacks. Give it at least 2 or 3 dates, but if she doesn't contribute a red cent then she's either not into you, taking advantage of you, or both.

[ghost69]

the man pays. pffft. women want to be independent, act like they make their own money, etc. they can chip in. this isn't 1965.

[Batya33]

the man pays. pffft. women want to be independent, act like they make their own money, etc. they can chip in. this isn't 1965.

 

It's not about being independent. It's about who asks who out. If the woman asks out the man for the first date, she should pay - if the man asks out the woman, he should pay or at the very least, offer to pay. I don't "act like" I make my own money - I simply am financially independent - no need to "act" like anything - just a simple fact. I am sure in 1965 women were financially independent too and men who asked women out paid for the date.

[ghost69]

someone pays for tickets. other pays for sodas and whatnot.

[Daddy Bear]

Oh, HERE'S that thread. I wanted to say this to Batya33:

 

You, as a self-respecting professional who carries her own weight through life, do not fit the profile of the golddiggers I was describing. You probably never find them in the circles you travel in at all. These women are of the type who go to your party with an empty purse so they can help themselves to a six-pack when nobody's looking, who keep money that they see fall from your pocket, who marry someone they don't love so they don't have to work for a living.

 

There are doubtless more males than females with these tendencies, but since the subject was paying for dates...

 

And a last word on that: I don't see a justification for gender-based responsibility when paying for dates in a society wherein its women are demanding equal rights in unison. It's antediluvean and hypocritical, and I hope to see it end (along with unequal pay for equal work, mind you!) in my lifetime.

[DN]

I think that people should do what they are comfortable with - after all, they have to live with their own conscience. If someone is ok with taking advantage of other people, financially or otherwise, and they can find someone foolish or gullible enough to allow it, then all power to them. But I do wish that people would not find specious reasons to justify their behaviour.

[Altruist]

Splitting the cost between the two of you all the way is the way to go. After you've been dating for a while it will then depend on who has is ina good financial position on a particular date.

[Altruist]

Also if a guy asks a girl out and he explains that he is 'going through a rough patch' i.e. unemployment, etc then the girl should do the paying even if its a first date. A girl who does that for me is a keeper.

[willow2900]

Also if a guy asks a girl out and he explains that he is 'going through a rough patch' i.e. unemployment, etc then the girl should do the paying even if its a first date. A girl who does that for me is a keeper.

 

My ex had a 3 year "rough patch"

I was just gullable enough and loved him enough that I enabeled it to keep going. Now I am $19K in debt.

 

But one date is one date. And it best not cost $19K or I need to learn new dating habits.

[Batya33]

Also if a guy asks a girl out and he explains that he is 'going through a rough patch' i.e. unemployment, etc then the girl should do the paying even if its a first date. A girl who does that for me is a keeper.

 

I would do that but what I would prefer is that the man asks me out and plans a free/inexpensive date, explaining his rough patch. I have gone on free dates where we walked in the park, went to a free museum, etc. That way he shows me that he put in the effort to plan a fun day and it gives me the opportunity to counter with "that sounds great, or if you prefer, why not let me treat for this one since I know this cute restaurant I'd like to try and it would be my pleasure to take you there."

[cpc28655]

Trust me, you're paying, lol. One way or the other.

[ghost69]

i still can't believe so many women think the guy pays for everything. saying that their time isn't worth it. is the guy's time not worth it to the woman? but if you asked her to the movie, it is kind of like you are paying.