Not dating during school??

[Lily04]

Someone (actually a few people on enotalone) suggested that I shouldn't date during school, and just focus on school and myself... I was curious to hear this because people usually say "focus on yourself, for now" but not "don't date during school" entirely (i.e. school lasts about 8 months!! that's a pretty long-term relationship with yourself lol...) I was just wondering if anyone sets out this type of policy though per se? It usually ends up happening for me because I am soo busy in school dating is tough anyway.....and maybe I do need to make my life more stable in some ways, and dating tends to complicate things further. But at the same time I feel sorta....immature setting that out, as if I can't allow time for fun because my life is too screwed up for that...I suppose it's not that attractive an idea to me.

 

Opinions...?

[Leonhart]

If you don't date now, your options of meeting new and exciting people to date AFTER uni is only going to go DOWN. Just my thoughts.

[annie24]

if you are feeling like you can't focus on school while dating, then don't date. i am a fan of dating during school because it can help breakup some of the monotony of taking tests and studying, etc.... it is really nice to look forward to a saturday night date! however, if you can't focus on school and while worrying about some guy, then it is good to get the anxiety under control first, and focus on the school. don't let your grades slip because of some guy!

[Lily04]

well my grades aren't slipping because of a guy...I suppose I just found my time hard to control because I was having difficulties with school and my own personal life (i.e. the whole being diagnosed with a learning disability & not having proper help for it. Last semester I found a good confidant/counsellor though, so I am OK now.. or at least much better.) Now I feel like I would like to date because I miss that.. haven't dated since before xmas I suppose just starting to feel a bit lonely...

[quietgrl]

A college student can have fun and not "date" .The key is surrounding yourself with a good support system during college(friends).

[Leonhart]

I think it's such a waste to not date during the college years. That's what it's there for! That said, it's probably why I'm so miserable. Having someone great would only increase my interest in academics, not detract from it.

[Lily04]

yeah true... well one thing I realized was I was too perfectionistic with myself & school. Just looking over the post I made yesterday re. school work -- no wonder I was depressed! I was like insane about studying... I need to learn to be a bit more laid-back and allow myself time to relax and be realistic about my expectations...I am still learning how to do that. I think once I learn that well, I'll have my life more under control and can then schedule in time to meet friends/dates, etc. I suppose the best suggestion for myself would be to concentrate on that (which is what my counsellor also highly suggested) and then things will fall more into place...

[Batya33]

I've always been an overachiever and the only time I put my dating life to the side for school was during exam time. During grad school, for the three weeks prior to exams, I only saw my serious boyfriend once a week for a few hours and wouldn't have sex with him, lol because back then it seemed too distracting (so silly!) I always found that being in a relationship helped me in school - I felt more focused, supported by my boyfriend and on a practical level it's easier - if you're a couple, you work together to make plans that fit in with your schedules, you are tolerant of the times that things are too hectic and you're not constantly running to this party and that for a social life.

 

Now, sure, if you want to give up even looking to meet men during this time then you don't need as much of a social life - I wouldn't judge anyone who made that decision, I just think that if you are a social person and highly interested in finding someone to couple up with the extra time studying will start to get to you and you'll have your nose pressed against the glass, wanting to go out and "play."

 

Of course there has to be a balance - I think it's silly to get drunk every week because then it's hard to have the energy to study the next day, there is no reason to party till 3AM all the time, etc.

[Lily04]

Hey Batya,

 

Thanks, I agree. And as one of my friends said, it's not something you can really plan... if you find a guy you are really head over heels for, it's not like you can really say "well, i like you, but don't contact me for another 2 months" (although I suppose some might do that, it's a bit unrealistic to do I think...) So far, however, I have not met a guy who has really struck me in this way, (well, except for one last semester but he had a gf anyway) so it wasn't necessary to try to juggle, and this is all contemplating in the abstract.

 

Right now, my goal is to simply do school.... go on a few dates when I have time, and try to become on top of things... and when the right guy comes along, I'll deal with it then. Since I am really busy though, I'm not just going to date guys I'm not really into..i.e. settle just to date. I know some girls do that, but I'd rather not... so if I don't date for a few months anyway, that's fine... I'd rather be struck by a guy I really like and I think it's worth the wait.

[Batya33]

I happen to disagree with your friends. Sure, some people meet and fall in love by chance. Far more often, the two people are in a mindset of wanting a relationship and within that mindset they meet a person and start dating - sometimes there is no love at first or second sight - sometimes it takes several dates to feel that spark and to see potential - and putting in that kind of time only works if you really want a relationship. It's not about passively waiting for love to strike -- or even "really like" to "strike" - sure, that happens sometimes but it's unusual (often in hindsight the person will insist it just "happened" when it really didn't).

 

Obviously don't date just to date - even if you had oodles of free time I wouldn't suggest that. Ick.

[ghost69]

focus on school. it makes the rest of your life. but don't let it all pass you by. use your free time to go out and have fun.

[MushroomGod]

Yeah I would never put a hold on life for anything. School is a great place to meet people. I wouldn't put anything involving my happiness on hold even for school. I think I'd hate it if I did that.

[ghost69]

but stay focused academically. you don't want to be in college for 12 years.

[MushroomGod]

but stay focused academically. you don't want to be in college for 12 years.

 

"I get older, they stay the same age."

[BJH]

If you don't date now, your options of meeting new and exciting people to date AFTER uni is only going to go DOWN. Just my thoughts.

I disagree here. Your options after graduation are still great. You just need to look elsewhere. The popularity of online dating is increasing and that could be one great way to find someone, if you don't have a whole lot of free time to go out with your friends and meet new women. If you attend a big church like I do, you have a wide selection of single women. You can get involved in a young adults group and I bet a lot those people are still single.

I could go on about other places, but just keep going out whenever you have the opportunity and you are bound to meet exciting people.

[Leonhart]

I wasn't counting online dating, that's not really meeting people, per se. Not until you actually meet together in person. As for church, not everyone goes, of course, and those who do, should not be trying to pick up men/women. There are numerous other (and better - i.e. more appropriate) places to meet someone you may or may not want to date.

 

In school, you encounter literally thousands of other young people, with similar goals, plans, etc. Nowhere else in life will one have that same magnitude of opportunity.

 

And as one gets older, the chances increase that more and more people you meet will be taken.

[Batya33]

Yes, college is a great place to meet people although in college, my two serious relationships were with men a few years older who were out of college.

 

On line dating is meeting if the person responds to profiles with the purpose of meeting in person ASAP.

 

In my major city, most people do not get married out of college or even by the time they are 30, so it depends.

 

Further, after college, it does take more work to be exposed to many single people at one time but that can be done by getting involved in political organizations, community theater, and all sorts of classes and sports activities.

[ghost69]

just allow yourself time to get the grades. having fun in spare time is a must.