Thinking about going NC in a different manner

[RedDelPaPa]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm thinking about going NC, but in a different manner. A manner in which I see more mature and adult like. I understand that pure NC is for the person trying to get over the other and move on, but it seems a bit childish to completely ignore them if the ex tries to make contact. That's what grade schoolers do. I think true NC would be easier to accomplish however, but I'd feel childish and stupid if my ex simply said hi to me in passing and I ignored her.

 

What I'm thinking about doing is going NC, but only applying that to me making contact with my ex. With the possible exception of saying hi in passing. I work with my ex, so it's going to be virtually impossible to not communicate with her at all, ever.

 

This method may take longer to heal and get moved on, but I feel like I will have acted more adult like and gentlemanly in the process.

 

Am I being foolish? Should I just go full on NC and not worry about how I'm behaving? Your thoughts?

 

Thanks,

N8

[HyruleGuardian]

That sounds fine to me. You can't avoid her because you work with her, so you might as well still be polite and say hi every now and then. Let her initiate a conversation if she wants. But definitely don't try to go out of you way to talk to her.

[neallo82288]

From my understanding that is what no contact is all about. YOU cannot initiate any contact whatso ever. Now you must realize that any contact on your ex's part should be kept to a minimal, that is sy hi and things like that and nothing about you and what you are doing even if she asks. Also, no questons about what she is doing. She may or may not care but out of politeness ask how you are doing (great is best answer). Ask her how she is doing and hows things are going but nothing else. All contact initiated by her should be kept to under 8 mins and you have to run to somethong important. Never avoid an ex, because avoidance leads to even more pain on your part. Just remember to keep your emotions in check during all contacts.

[Dako]

If you don't have trouble with it, good for you.

 

I'd be wary of considering NC more childish than fantasizing, pleading and playing silly games.

[itsallgrand]

NC isn't about being unnecessarily rude or giving someone the cold shoulder.

 

The point is that: this is someone who is no longer a part of your life, so NC is acting on the reality (instead of feeding hopes, fantasy, and prolonging facing the emotional impact of a dead relationship).

 

The important thing is whether or not you are trying to fool yourself with your behavior.

 

If it truly doesn't bother you to interact with her as a regular co-worker at this point, right on for you.

 

If it does bother you, I don't think there is any shame in admitting that to oneself and acting accordingly.

[RedDelPaPa]

Thanks folks for the replies.

 

I was under the impression that full NC meant that I could not say one word to my ex under any circumstances. No matter who made contact.

 

Well, here it goes then. Starting right now. I will not communicate a single word to her unless she speaks to me first, and at that, my response will be very short and simple. I've asked her for reconciliation, she beat around the bush, so if she ever wants to give us another go, nothing short of "I want you back" will do. Speaking to her only if she speaks to me first feels much more adult like and mature. The ball is in her court. I hope she's happy.

 

(N)o ©ontact it is. Wish me luck,

N8

[RedDelPaPa]

If you don't have trouble with it, good for you.

 

I'd be wary of considering NC more childish than fantasizing, pleading and playing silly games.

 

I try really, really hard not to do any of that stuff either.

[Dako]

I didn't do NC with my ex, and it was no picnic.

If you work with her, there's little choice.

[RedDelPaPa]

NC isn't about being unnecessarily rude or giving someone the cold shoulder.

 

The point is that: this is someone who is no longer a part of your life, so NC is acting on the reality (instead of feeding hopes, fantasy, and prolonging facing the emotional impact of a dead relationship).

 

The important thing is whether or not you are trying to fool yourself with your behavior.

 

If it truly doesn't bother you to interact with her as a regular co-worker at this point, right on for you.

 

If it does bother you, I don't think there is any shame in admitting that to oneself and acting accordingly.

 

 

It's a situation in which I've paid attention to, to figure out what makes me feel worse. It bothers me to talk to her regardless of who talks to who first. If I talk to her first. I feel ashamed of "me" on top of pain. If I ignore her if she talks to me, I feel ashamed of "me" on top of pain. If I talk to her only if she talks to me first, I still feel pain, but I feel dignified and proud of "me" for acting mature and gentlemanly.

 

With any luck she'll "catch on" and talk to me less and less. Making things easier for me. Or else, she'll crack and want reconciliation.

 

Thanks,

N8

[itsallgrand]

I wish you luck. I really do. You can do it!

 

I sure don't know how I would deal with running into exy at work all the time. It's a tough situation.

 

The way you are choosing to deal with it may be a bit more painful initially, but, if it allows you to maintain your self respect - that is what is important.

[DN]

I've asked her for reconciliation, she beat around the bush, so if she ever wants to give us another go, nothing short of "I want you back" will do.

In principle that is fine. But don't mistake lack of those precise words or even similar words for absense of intent or desire.

[RedDelPaPa]

I wish you luck. I really do. You can do it!

 

I sure don't know how I would deal with running into exy at work all the time. It's a tough situation.

 

The way you are choosing to deal with it may be a bit more painful initially, but, if it allows you to maintain your self respect - that is what is important.

 

Thank you. I hope you're right. I have to do it. Or else how am I going to feel about myself? Still in pain, and totally ashamed of myself.

 

I've heard her talking to others about quitting and finding a new job. Damn I wish she would. Honestly, I think this would be almost cake if I didn't have to see her 9 hrs a day, 5 days a week.

 

Hey, I have some advice for all of you now. "DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH CO-WORKERS!" Unless one or both of you are on your way out.

 

Thanks,

N8

[isisastaria]

An excellent example of why we shouldn't date people at work!!!

[DN]

An excellent example of why we shouldn't date people at work!!!

True. But on the other hand my eldest daughter met her husband at work and my youngest daughter met her fiancé at work.

[Wandering_Sword]

Good luck to you and your endeavours. It's going to be tough but I faith in you and your abilities.

[RedDelPaPa]

Good luck to you and your endeavours. It's going to be tough but I faith in you and your abilities.

 

Thanks.

 

You know, when she goes out of her way to talk to me, or calls me, At first it feels good, but then quickly morphs into minor resentment. I think it's because I don't trust her, and I have this little suspicion she does it to either deliberately mess with me, or just trying to keep her options open.

 

Is this normal, or do I have deeper problems? Is this possibly me feeling the same way she feels towards me when I've contacted and approached her in the past?

 

Thanks,

N8

[Wandering_Sword]

What you're feeling is normal, obviously. You're hurt and betrayed and reading all the stuff on here can cook up some goofy stuff in your head. If it bothers you that much, tell her the next time she calls you that you need some time (a week maybe) to yourself. During this time (are you on NC or LC?) look at the situation objectively and after the week, if she calls you again take note on whether you still feel the same way or not.

[RedDelPaPa]

What you're feeling is normal, obviously. You're hurt and betrayed and reading all the stuff on here can cook up some goofy stuff in your head. If it bothers you that much, tell her the next time she calls you that you need some time (a week maybe) to yourself. During this time (are you on NC or LC?) look at the situation objectively and after the week, if she calls you again take note on whether you still feel the same way or not.

 

 

Naa, it doesn't bother me too much, but a bit. I've monitored the way she acts towards me, and then other co workers. She'll completely ignore me, and act like I don't even exist, then out of the blue, she'll call me up. It's pretty lame, and pisses me off a bit. I'm like, make up your damn mind. Either you hate me or you don't. She's got some issues I think, and I need to stop making her problems my problems.

[Wandering_Sword]

Good, good... Once you can distance yourself from her, then you have taken the big leap necessary to ensure yourself of a good life

[Zaphod]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm thinking about going NC, but in a different manner. A manner in which I see more mature and adult like. I understand that pure NC is for the person trying to get over the other and move on, but it seems a bit childish to completely ignore them if the ex tries to make contact. That's what grade schoolers do. I think true NC would be easier to accomplish however, but I'd feel childish and stupid if my ex simply said hi to me in passing and I ignored her.

 

So you're gonna adopt a rope-a-dope tactic similar to what Ali used against Foreman?

I kind of agree with you in a way. Although at the moment I've run to the hills

[RedDelPaPa]

So you're gonna adopt a rope-a-dope tactic similar to what Ali used against Foreman?

I kind of agree with you in a way. Although at the moment I've run to the hills

 

Hi, and thanks for the reply.

 

I just want to go about it in a way that makes me feel good about myself and the way I've treated her through all this. And if she wants to stomp on my feelings and run me off, then fine. I won't let the door hit me in the * * *. I've felt strong attraction to another woman since my ex and I separated. Unfortunately, it didn't pan out. But it proves to me it's possible for me to develop feelings for someone else if the opportunity arises. So I guess it's just a matter of time.

 

Every time my ex does something that hurts my feelings, I have this voice in my head that says, "enjoy it while it lasts honey".