is this a sign?

[Blue Skittles]

Two weeks ago my bf and I broke up. It left me feeling really confused as there was no reason for it and it just happened. He started acting strange and when I questioned him about it he kept saying he didn't know and it led to a break up.

 

Anyways, lately I've been good. Except when I'm sitting at home alone in my apartment. I get really depressed. The fact that I really didn't have any closure is really getting to me. So after not talking to him for a week and a half I added him back on to MSN and we started talking.

 

I decided to be upfront and honest and told him I was still mad. He said he was still confused. We started talking about what happened and then he said he had to go to bed cuz he had to be up really early. I said "alright, but if we are going to even be friends we really need to finish this conversation because I need it" and he said "yes, I definitely want to finish talking about this with you, we'll talk tomorrow" So sure enough he comes on MSN two days later (tonight) profusely apologizing b/c his internet/phone line is messed up and he tried talking to me yesterday but couldn't. Then he warned me that he might get kicked off tonight cuz the phone line is still messed up. So sure enough we don't get to talk. I really need to get this stuff out so either i cna have closure or maybe we might even decide to get back together. The whole situation is that i thought he wanted to break up and he thought i wanted to break up but i odn't think either of us really wanted that.

 

I think about him a lot and i really miss him. I just don't know what to do. I really need to talk to him about it and I'm not sure what to say. Should i send him an email expressing my thoughts or what? my friends said i should send him an email and outright tell him i want to get back together. is this a good idea?

[renaissancewoman101]

From the looks of it, it seems like he is trying to avoid the "closure" talk with you, hence him making the excuse that " his phone line is messed up". If I were you, I would lay it to rest and let it be and let HIM make the next contact. It seems that you are pushing to find closure and he is trying to avoid giving you closure, why I don't know. He probably doesnt know why he decided to break up with you, or he just is a coward and doesnt want to give you the real reason.

 

Good luck!

[isisastaria]

Yes. It's a good idea

[Seraphim]

Wait for him to get back to you, just be patient.

[blender]

Well for right now the most powerful and attractive thing you can do is to NOT to try to get "answers" he himself might just not have right now, Guys have a way of "retreating" and wanting some space at times, and if we "go after them for "why, how come, what if" etc..they just want to run further away, so it's best to let HIM be "emotionally responsible" for breaking up the relationship.. instead of putting him a position to "have to explain this or that"..

 

It's not about him giving YOU closure, it's about you setting some standards/values for your own heart, and that means doing the most difficult thing and that is to "accept that he's just not ready right now for this relationship" for whatever reason, and "if" he ever does want to be with you, YOU will feel so much better that he does so by his own discovery and choice, and not because you "tried to convince him or ask him to do so"..right?

 

it's so much more powerful, loving and attractive to instead say to him:

 

"I understand you are confused, so until you know that you want to willing talk about "us" well until then there is not much I can say to you to change your mind, so take the time and space you need, and please respect that I will then need to do the same...so I can heal, move on, and if in time you "discover authentic feelings" for me THEN you may contact me.. You know I love you, so i want to respect your expressing your wanting to break up and have your time to find out what you need to...and if the path leads us back together that would be wonderful if not, then I wish you happiness..

 

Then you have to "let go" and initiate "no contact' and then he has the OPPORTUNITY to see what life would be like without you "being there" for him, he may learn he "misses you, wants you, needs you, he really does love you"... but without the 'time/space" and YOU setting some standards/values for your own hurting heart, he might not have the OPPORTUNITY to discover authentic feelings, if he's spending most of the time trying to explain to you why he's confused, instead "accept him at his word" say: "You said your confused and you want to break up, is that right?" and if he says "yes'.. then say "As much as it hurts to hear you say that, there is nothing I can say but that I love you and I respect your choice, please do not contact me unless it is because you "discover you want to make an intentional effort" towards us as a couple.."

 

Does this sound far too emotionally difficult for you to do? I'm sorry you are hurting.. so sorry..

[bacci]

I agree with renaissance, don't push it, he's likely to contact you again.

As far as your friends suggestion I wouldn't advise you to email him to ask him to get back together when you don't really know what is going on, why did you guys ended up breaking up in the first place. If he feels tht was a mistake he will let you know.

Trust your gut, something was not right, he was going through something, and before you even consider to get back you need to discuss it. Perhaps he is still processing that something and not ready to dicuss it yet. So I suggest you wait a few days, he might be sorting out things and not ready to say something he might regret, so let him have a little space and contact you, he knows you want to finish this conversation, and he agreed right? Waiting is hard but you can do it.

Take it easy and good luck!

[bacci]

I agree with renaissance, don't push it, he's likely to contact you again.

As far as your friends suggestion I wouldn't advise you to email him to ask him to get back together when you don't really know what is going on, why did you guys ended up breaking up in the first place. If he feels tht was a mistake he will let you know.

Trust your gut, something was not right, he was going through something, and before you even consider to get back you need to discuss it. Perhaps he is still processing that something and not ready to dicuss it yet. So I suggest you wait a few days, he might not be ready to say something he might regret, so let him have a little space and contact you, he knows you want to finish this conversation, and he agreed right? Waiting is hard but you can do it.

Take it easy and good luck!

[bacci]

Blender great advise!

[Blue Skittles]

The hardest part is that we didn't get to discuss it. And hes obviously avoiding it because if he truly wanted to talk about it he would have found a way (like call from his cell phone when he was in town).

 

When we were talking on MSN he said he was still confused because he thought that I wanted to break up and that he thought it was me who was unsure about my feelings when the only thing going through his head at the time was that he felt bad about not being able to come into town. thats about as far as we've gotten with this. Its so frustrating to just leave it at an open end like that. I'm not going to email him. I think its over and it hurts to leave it like this but I think I have no other choice.

[blender]

yes, do NOT intitiate any more contact with him... and if you can follow your own truth, your own self respect when he does contact you again, you will feel so much better about YOURSELF... you define YOU.. he does NOT hold the key to your happiness or indentity or your validation.. it just "seems that way right now".. but those are "feelings".. and it's important right now to allow yourself to "feel your feelings" but have the strength, class and integrity to NOT re-act to those feelings right now by reaching out to him..

 

If he is not making an effort to contact you, then it's best to take this as a clear sign that he is not ready to talk.. let go just one day.. one day at a time..cry, cry, cry, write all your feelings out... and know that you do not want to be with a man who is not making an intentional effort to be in YOUR life.. okay.. breathe.. we are all here for you.. we've been through it... no contact for today..

 

Respect his choice, and respect yourself enough to let go just for now... let him have time to think...and take time for yourself to heal, re-gain your sense of self..and your emotional independence..this is the most healing and attractive choice right now... even if it seems to be the most difficult, the right thing to do is usually the most difficult one to do..

[blender]

He will most likely call you.. he will contact you.. just give him some time.. and have an open mind when he does call, listen more than you speak, and have an emotional plan for yourself should he say he wants to 'break up"... be honest and accepting in your response, and if doesn't say he wants to "break up but instead want to know how you feel".. well then you can say, "I hoped we could work through our fears, differences and just love each other through these tough times, but if you don't want to do that, then I guess it's best that we no longer have any contact"...

 

but for now, the only thing you have to do is "be patient, breathe, do NOT contact him".. and he will contact you, I just feel that he will... so until then, just keep writing all your feelings out, get into your best frame of mind, so when he does call you are not "needy or sad" but instead you will be "ready to listen, undrestanding, and also clear about where your heart stands"... but for right now he's not ready to talk.. but he will call when he is.. he will... breathe..it's going to be okay.

[Blue Skittles]

Thank you so much blender. Your advice has been really helpful and encouraging. It gave me a clear frame of mind of what I'm going to do. I have no idea if he will call or not, but I know for sure I will get through this. I've been through it before and I'll do it again. Thanks...

[blender]

You will not only get through it, you will rise above it a better, more mature, loving, self respecting woman, from all that you have learned about yourself. Remember you are not interested in any man who does not make a loving intentional effort to be in YOUR life... so that is YOUR standard to live by... so let that be your guide, wait it out, get busy with your own life for today, take care of you... the best is ahead of you, not behind you.. trust this and it will be so. best, blender