It's just not happening...why?

[ReallyHurt]

Well...I've posted here before last year at the end of a four year relationship. That was pretty horrible, but I've managed to let most of it go. I think...Anyways. I started talking to an ex of mine before the 4 year. We dated in high school when we were 16! He moved out to Cali from Michigan, so there was some distance there. After talking for a while, it really seemed like he was interested, so I flew out to see him. Wow...what a horrible mistake that was. He treated me like crap the whole time I was there and tried to pass me off to his dumb friend. There was also another girl he had been talking to...I recently just stopped any interaction with him. Then I met a new guy, who I hung out with just the other night for the first time. We fooled around, but didn't go all the way. He was so sweet to me the whole time. He kept making plans with me for the future and told me that he would call me the next day. He didn't. I haven't heard from him, other than me writing him and asking..."How come I haven't heard from you?" The whole thing is really confusing. I looked at his myspace today also and his relationship status had changed from single to in a relationship.

 

So now, that's my story....Ugh, What am I supposed to do? I'm sick of being alone. I'm so lonely and I really want someone, even just a great friend!!, to share my life with. I know myself pretty well. I know I'm absolutely miserable when I'm not in a relationship. I've been that way since I was 13 or so. I'm 22 now. I've always been kind of a loner and I hate that. I've usually had only a very few close friends, but ever since I broke up with my ex last year, I've had no one because I was with him the whole time. I think I'm happy with myself...I've really got nothing to be depressed about, but I'm still really unhappy because I have no one. I noticed that every guy I start talking to and liking since the 4 year ex turns out to not have any interest in me. Is that a fault of mine? I feel like giving up. It's been almost a year and nothing good is happening. I'm sick of being unhappy.

[JoeWho]

A little bit of a tough stretch builds character. While they do suck, we are better off for them.

 

I know it can be tough being single after a long relationship. Try to be happy with just yourself. That is a very attractive quality. Maybe these guys you have recently been involved with sensed that you needed to be in a relationship and ran for the hills.

 

Hang in there

[ReallyHurt]

Yea...probably. I don't know though. The first one wanted to be in a relationship too. He was newly divorced. Why did the second one tell me all those things like he was going to call me and all that, then he didn't. And just what is so wrong about WANTING to be in a relationship. Is that such a bad quality?

[Leonhart]

I've been in the same position as you, for years now. It sucks, and I too get extremely depressed when I'm not attached to anyone. People were designed to be together, being alone, just isn't normal. Some, it may not bother, but for people like us, it's not the case.

 

After so long, you get discouraged, you start blaming yourself, questioning yourself and wondering what it is that you're doing wrong. But becoming introspective is good. It helps you see potential problems and areas for improvement with one's self. Chances are, you may not be doing anything wrong at all. I don't know you at all, so I can't really say if you are or not. But often we blame ourselves for things that are beyond our control.

 

If there is something you can do to fix things, then by all means. But sometimes we need to have the serenity to accept the things we cannot change.

 

For starters: Where are you looking to meet men? Are you active socially or not so much? Do you go to school, work or out often with friends? Do you dress to attract or do you secretly hope no one will notice you and hide in the corner? Do you expect men to approach you, if not, why? Do you believe in yourself and expect the best in life? Do you smile, look friendly, fun and approachable? If not, consider changing that - I know I would never approach someone who looked mean.

[JoeWho]

Yea...probably. I don't know though. The first one wanted to be in a relationship too. He was newly divorced. Why did the second one tell me all those things like he was going to call me and all that, then he didn't. And just what is so wrong about WANTING to be in a relationship. Is that such a bad quality?

 

 

 

Nothing is wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. But there is a huge difference between wanting to be in a relationship and needing to be in a relationship. Which one applies to you?

 

 

I dont know what happened with the second guy. Since he changed his profile to in a relationship, maybe he just got back together with a recent ex?????? Still he should at least give you an explanation.

[Leonhart]

And just what is so wrong about WANTING to be in a relationship. Is that such a bad quality?

 

Of course not. It's perfectly normal and anyone who says otherwise, well... I'll be nice, so use your imagination. lol

 

One thing though: You don't want to be seen as desperate. There is a difference between being desperate and wanting a mate. Totally different. As long as you don't come accross as overly needy, clingy or desperate, you've nothing to worry about.

[Beec]

Part of why guys are not interested may be your attitude towards them. Desparation on a man seeking female attention is like cloaking him in the spikes of a porcupine, and it is only slightly less repellent when on a female. And you just wanting someone as you express makes me think you might be seeming a little desparate.

 

I think if you want to find a guy that there are also things you can do and learn to do that will hlpe your chances. if you go out with the intent on meeting a guy, it's not as likely to happen. If you go to do things that are fun at a place where guys are, your odds improve drastically. =And you mention going out with a few guys? I sometimes went out with a few women on a weekend.

[Anonybrit]

I actually disagree with everyone else. I think you should keep on feeling the way you do until you solve your own problems by your own means, because that's what life's about, winning no matter what cards your dealt.

 

So maybe you have a needy personality, or maybe you can't let go of your past - so what? Don't fix it, defeat it.

 

I'm insecure about a lot of things, but I've decided to give the middle finger to the mainstream attitude to that problem - I'm insecure and that's the way I am and you know what? I'm going to find my soulmate anyway, and my partner's going to love me insecurities and all.

 

 

Love is about being in the right place at the right time. There are too many people on this planet for any of us to truly be alone. Just keep trying.

[ReallyHurt]

Nothing is wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. But there is a huge difference between wanting to be in a relationship and needing to be in a relationship. Which one applies to you?

 

 

I dont know what happened with the second guy. Since he changed his profile to in a relationship, maybe he just got back together with a recent ex?????? Still he should at least give you an explanation.

 

Ugh...I'm not even gonna ask him. It'll probably make me look even more needy. It's really weird. I had a good feeling about him. I definitely wasn't needy on our date. He's the one who asked me what I was doing the next day, then saturday, then if I wanted him to call me the next day. I never even mentioned those things. I don't know....I'm writing it off as he's a big stupid.

[ReallyHurt]

I actually disagree with everyone else. I think you should keep on feeling the way you do until you solve your own problems by your own means, because that's what life's about, winning no matter what cards your dealt.

 

So maybe you have a needy personality, or maybe you can't let go of your past - so what? Don't fix it, defeat it.

 

I'm insecure about a lot of things, but I've decided to give the middle finger to the mainstream attitude to that problem - I'm insecure and that's the way I am and you know what? I'm going to find my soulmate anyway, and my partner's going to love me insecurities and all.

 

 

Love is about being in the right place at the right time. There are too many people on this planet for any of us to truly be alone. Just keep trying.

 

Dude...I soooo feel you on that. I know myself. I know I need people around me. It's a part of my personality. I've been like this since I could remember. It's not even neediness. I'm just incredibly lonely...I don't even have people I could call close friends.

[ReallyHurt]

Thank you. All good things to think about.

[Leonhart]

All stuff that applies to myself too.

[Anonybrit]

Dude...I soooo feel you on that. I know myself. I know I need people around me. It's a part of my personality. I've been like this since I could remember. It's not even neediness. I'm just incredibly lonely...I don't even have people I could call close friends.

 

My philosophy is that if I have to change to be loved, I am not truly being loved at all.

 

Life is about striking a balance to being shaped by our environment and shaping our environment ourselves.

 

But when our very identity is what's at stake, more often than not we'd rather take the cards we've been dealt, no matter how bollocks we may think they are, and try our luck anyway.

[Beec]

OK, I've read this and I am going to be critical below. If you don't want to read it, then stop, because I am going to address insecurity and shyness and some may not like it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Insecurity and shyness is almost always all about a a fear of rejection. People yu pass every day don't get a hello or a good moring, because you don't know if they will return it, ignore it or insult you for just doing it. However, very few of us would tell you that it feels terriable to have any one tell us "good morning." Indeed, it almost always feels good. Very few of us would contend that it feels bad when people approach us to talk to us and greet us, ask how we are, and such. But often, this is something those who are shy refuse to go. They refuse out of fear of rejection to give others such pleasantries. Shyness and insecurity cause many people to fear to give, many things. Many think if I give, and it is rejected, then I will feel bad. So, they do not give. And then when they do decide to give, when the courage is summed up, things are given in exchange for something else that they expect will be given to them. Well, giving in exchange for something else is really not giving at all, it's buying or trading. Your gifts have a price tag, if given in this manner. And thereforeeee, they are not gifts.

 

If you really want to attract people to you, if you want people to like you and pay attention and want to be near you, then give, really give. Give people greeting and expect to get nastiness in return, then give again. Give peoples smiles and so what if you get growls and frowns. If they give you a frown three of four times, then stop, and watch, they will soon be there looking for your smile. Give and many people will be looking for your smiles.

 

Now, I know this is not easy, but there are ways to work on thigns so as not to be shy, so as not to be desparate for attention, but it's also true. Shyness and insecurity are about the fear of giving.

 

Don't wait to give back, just give. And have faith that sooner or later, it will all come back.

[heavensent101]

I think i understand the feeling abuot always wanting be with someone in a realtionship but the problem is men smell needines from a mile away that's why they don't call back! men find an independent happy confident woman attractive.. that's not rokets science.. as soon as you love your life as yuo are in you singlehood and stop feeling like life sucks without a man that's when they will all come running! plus you're so young reallyhurt!!! you've got a whole life ahead of you!!!

[Anonybrit]

OK, I've read this and I am going to be critical below. If you don't want to read it, then stop, because I am going to address insecurity and shyness and some may not like it.

 

I generally agree with your points, but you've got to understand the mentality of someone who feels that their happiness is a matter of trading in what they consider to be their personality. Sometimes, shyness, anxiety, insecurity, when they are so severe as to gneuinly dangerous and harmful, should be considered as valid a part of our identity as anything "positive".

 

Or alternatively, this could just be a psychological defense mechanism arising from the fear of confronting these issues - I can't figure out which it is.

 

But I'm Irish, as the saying goes, I'll deal with something being wrong the rest of my life.

[scotty77]

Ugh...I'm not even gonna ask him. It'll probably make me look even more needy. It's really weird. I had a good feeling about him. I definitely wasn't needy on our date. He's the one who asked me what I was doing the next day, then saturday, then if I wanted him to call me the next day. I never even mentioned those things. I don't know....I'm writing it off as he's a big stupid.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mmm,it might have not had anything to do with you.Perhaps he had a girlfriend[sorry] or who knows what is going on in his life at the moment.Maybe he just changed his mind and wasn't up to pursuing a relationship at present.In any case I would just forget about him.