Possible getting back together, I feel very guilty

[tfwis]

My ex wants to get back together with me, but I feel guilty about what I've done this past weekend. I'm not really sure what to do. I need some advice about if I should say anything, or just keep quiet about it. And what happens if she ever finds out? Here's the story:

 

I'm in my mid-twenties, and I dated a girl for almost a year and a half, who is a couple years younger than me. I had known her and been friends with her for months prior to dating her. It was very serious, and we both stated we wanted to marry each other later on, when she's out of college. The problem was, just before we started dating, she was taken advantage of (raped) while she was drunk, by a "friend".

 

Halfway through our relationship, she went into a depression, and did things that she would have never otherwise done. She cheated on me (did not have sex) with her ex boyfriend, who she was with prior to the rape. She couldn't handle the guilt, and she broke up with me and started dating someone for a month or so.

 

A couple months ago she came back, and said she made a huge mistake, that she knew I was the one she wanted to spend her life with, and she wanted to marry me eventually, once we get past everything that happened. She realized she was just scared, and that I never left her side.

 

We remained friends the past couple months, trying to get past everything, but this month we started fighting a lot. There was a lot of bitterness involved from the past. We never actually got to the point of a "relationship" again.

 

A week ago, she sat me down, and told me we don't have what it takes to get past everything. Our fights were getting too bad for her to handle. I was very torn up.

 

Over the weekend, I had a few drinks, and something happened between a friend and I. We slept with each other. I never meant for it to happen, I guess I was just so upset about my ex and I, that I wasn't thinking clearly.

 

This morning, my ex called me and without being too blunt, made it clear she was willing to give it another try, even if it takes a little counseling or any other option.

 

The problem is, I'm feeling really guilty about what happened over the weekend. I know it wasn't really cheating, but I still feel guilt. Even though I was cheated on, and left for someone else, my ex had never actually slept with anyone after me.

 

So now, what do I do? Do I tell her out of guilt, and probably lose her? Do I keep it a secret, and hope she never knows? I've never lied to her about a thing in my life... Am I just getting too worked up over nothing? And what happens if I don't tell her, and she asks? Or even worse, finds out later on down the road?

[JoeWho]

Guilt is a heavy burden to carry my friend. I say you come clean and whatever happens at least all the cards are on the table.

 

She will probably sense something is wrong and ask you "whats wrong" and if you lie and she finds out, you can bet on the relationship being over.

 

It's a tough decision but the right thing to do is tell her the truth, she deserves to know all the information as the two of you make a decision on your future.

 

The truth hurts, but lies hurt 100x more. Trust me on this one.

[addictedblue]

[KrashBurn224]

If she brings it up, be honest. Honesty is the best policy. I just recently had to deal with the same situation. Oddly enough, we've been broken up about 2.5 months, but we got together for a date this past weekend. I knew she had dated some gents in our time apart, as she also knew I had dated a few ladies as well. It really caught me off guard when I learned she never slept with any of them, yet I did sleep with one woman. Jury is still out on how she really feels about that. She was taken a back a little, but there was no doubt in either of our minds that the truth was... we weren't together anymore and we're suppose to be moving on. There should be no guilt in something like that. The two of you weren't together and you were living your life. If she can't accept that, imagine what other stuff she might not be willing to accept in the future when she actually feels like she has a right to know what you're doing.

[heloladies21]

#1 you don't owe her any kind of explanation. She dumped you so you two were not together. What you did during that time is your business alone.

 

#2 even if you two do get back together, it won't work out. The relationship is seriously flawed and precedent has been set that she can cheat on you and get away with it. She'll always have that to look back on when deciding whether to do it again.

 

You still have some learning to do when it comes to managing relationships so that you're able to have successful relationships in the future.

[GoSox07]

I agree with the above posts, although I would say to broach the subject when it comes up (and I'm sure that it will) and not come right out and confess right away. You must be honest, but also realize that you did nothing wrong. Remember, you were single, and she was the one who broke up with you.

[Scout]

We remained friends the past couple months, trying to get past everything, but this month we started fighting a lot. There was a lot of bitterness involved from the past. We never actually got to the point of a "relationship" again.

 

A week ago, she sat me down, and told me we don't have what it takes to get past everything. Our fights were getting too bad for her to handle. I was very torn up.

 

If during this time period you and your ex were still being physically intimate with each other, then yes, I say you owe coming clean to her about this if you want to at least attempt to start a reconcilation off with a clean slate.

 

But the likely reality is she will probably hold it over your head forever if you tell her, and if you don't, the guilt will eat you up constantly. So you've got these new additional pressures plus the accumulated drama from everything that happened with you two before.

 

I hate to say this, but the odds aren't really with a successful reconcilation here. You could always give it a shot, though.