KrashBurn224

Thanks blender, I needed that! As a brief update, I did have the talk and as I feared... we're done & ironically, I feel it was mostly of my choosing this time around. It became quite clear to me that over the last couple of months, I have been nothing by kind, compassionate and respectful to her. This has been well received and wholly acknowledged by her, but the truth is, I'm the only one willing to be mature about the situation and truly desiring to put the necessary effort in at this time to make it work. Throughout our conversation on Monday and brief txt exchanges last night... I know that she can be the woman for me to spend the rest of my life with... but for right now, she is simply to immature, insecure and cowardly for me to have any real relationship with. I love her, but I love myself more... and I just don't have the time or energy to deal with that at this time, too much other productive and good stuff going on in my life to constantly struggle with a person like her right now. I simply wish her the best and personally hope she soon grows up... I think she really needs to!

Thank you for the kind words and advice rajorani To hit on your first point... I absolutely have been acting confused/aloof around her. I know that's not good and I wish it wasn't the case. When we first got together, she made it clear (and I agree) that as the guy I should be making the first moves... IE, getting her number, making the first call, setting up the first date, etc... Well, she dumped me and I've been building my life back up, and building it up to bigger and better things. When we went out last Saturday, I tried to make it clear that unlike when we first started dating... now it was her turn to start taking some of the initiative if this is something she wants to get back into. I know her well enough to know she's stubborn and doesn't deal with difficult or emotional topics very well... I guess I've just been hoping she'd step up to the plate on recent topics and make the first move(s). So far she hasn't, well, at least not enough and not about this current major topic... so i guess I'm just feeling a little confused and frustrated. To answer your other questions, yes, we've isolated and discussed the issue(s) that led to the break up. I'm 100% certain such issues will not resurface and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure (It was all on me BTW). Any advice on how I should go about bringing it up or how to talk about it without sounding too serious about it or better put, without it sounding like I am looking to forward into the future? Your advice is great, is this something you've had to deal with before with a guy? I guess, looking for excellent advice, and since you are a woman... if something like this happened with you and an ex you broke up with... what were you thinking after it happened? Thanks!

Well, the lunch date wasn't awkward... I just felt awkward. Kinda like I wanted to scream... "We slept together! What does that mean for us right now"... but instead just trying to remain calm and cool. I guess where I'm having the most trouble right now is... I know we're both still attracted to each other. When we're together, everything is exceptionally great. In the end though, we are each others ex's... there is history here... so what the heck is natural mean anymore??? It almost seems to me like getting back together, after already splitting once... even though it's what I really want... seems more unnatural then every being able to let things develop naturally. That's already happened when we first got together... now isn't it repair and rekindle time??? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just over thinking things right now!

A tad early? Man, I'm thinking like a month or two early Honestly, I didn't plan to have that happen. My plan was to just have a great fancy dinner, take her home and go back home myself... but one thing led to another... and whammo. I definitely need to pull back, I couldn't agree with you more. I guess I just don't know how... or to put it better, I'm unsure how to pull back without feeling like it would almost be a sign of rejection and/or regret on my part. Any ideas on how to let her know what you've advised... without botching up the potential for us getting back together? I should be way too old for this type of confusion now... but I'm completely dumbfounded at this time and the last thing I want is to ruin this second chance relationship before it really gets started!

My ex left me back in early December. We stayed in decent contact on-and-off over the first month or so after the split. Several times early on where I did the old beg, plead & promise routine... that of course, resulted in only pushing her further away from me. Shortly after New Years, I decided the best thing to do was to distance myself from her (basically, no contact, but we do somewhat work together so it wasn't entirely possible), work on improving all facets of my life (emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc.), and to move on the best I could while still maintaining some hope that we could reconcile. I made tremendous strides in my self improvement. I'm in the best shape I've been in in probably 10+ years, I've gone out on dates with several women, I've gotten back into regularly attending church, I've reconnected and spend a lot of time with many friends... But most of all, the last few weeks I've noticed much more attention being paid to me by my ex! Ultimately, this was my intended plan and my biggest hope... and it seemed to be working. So, I asked her out and we had our first date last Saturday... approximately 2.5 months since the break up. We had an amazing time... I mean it was fabulous, beyond words, almost magical. We had a great dinner, amazing conversation, talked through some of the issues of the past and really felt like we put them to rest. We talked about how we've been and how we are still attracted to each other. To cap it all off, we spent the night together and enjoyed each other sexually. Now it's Friday, almost a week later, and I have no clue where we stand or really how to proceed. We did drink during the date, and there are definitely some parts of the night that are fuzzy and/or blank for me. I'm actually somewhat embarrassed to bring that up to her, as in the few conversations we had about the date, she seems to recall everything quite clearly. We did a lunch date yesterday, and it seemed a little weird to me. We've talked positively about the date evening, but neither of us has mentioned anything about the sex, nor have we directly said anything about where we stand with each other or how to proceed next. She seemed fine throughout the lunch, so I feel a lot of it is me putting stress and pressure on myself. I certainly don't want to put any on her, but I also want to know if we're really heading down a path towards reconciliation. She's not the type to sleep around. We've both dated other people since the split... and I'm the only one that got intimate with anyone else. I think, for both of us, sex is a pretty sacred thing that isn't taken lightly... so I'm confused by the lack of discussion around it. Namely on her behalf. Is it possible she's just as scared to bring it up as I am? Am I suppose to just keep playing it cool and rolling with the punches until she starts making the definitive moves towards reconciliation? This is harder then I expected. I truly love this woman and want us to have a future together. Unfortunately, we did split up once already and second chances are hard to come by... I don't want to mess this up... What's a guy to do in such a situation???

To further add to this as well... At least my gut is telling me... there are maybe only two explanations I can see coming if we address the sex and fill in the blanks from Saturday night... 1. We talked about all this and yes, we said we could try dating again 2. It was just something that happened since we were having such a great time, but it doesn't mean we're back together Scared to hear number 2... embarrassed beyond belief to hear number 1... anything in between just feels like a waste of time in bringing it up

As I've posted in another thread, it seems the ex and I are heading towards getting back together. We had a great date this past weekend. My plan was a superb dinner, take her back home and go back home myself. Short date night, maybe 1.5 to 2 hour date. What ended up happening was we had such a fabulous time. I mean, absolutely amazing. The dinner date ended up lasting about 4 hours. Conversation was great. We talked about the past in positive and addressing terms. We talked about where we were both at right now, and how there is definitely still attraction and compassion between us. We ended up sleeping together that night as well... after being split up for 2.5 months. We had lunch together today, and for me, something just didn't feel right. We've talked about our Saturday date a couple times since, and also some today... but neither of us has brought up the sex. Honestly, I think we're both a little stubborn and scared to talk about it. Now for the real kicker, at least in my mind. We were drinking Saturday night. However, we were both sober Sunday morning and that morning was great as well... My biggest point of confusion is though... There are parts of Saturday night I don't remember. Specifically, I remember talking about us and getting into details about dating and how we still feel about each other... but then there is a good hour or two of blank-ness. I felt so aloof at lunch today. Primarily for two reasons... a) jumping right back into something like the sex has really thrown me for a mental and emotional loop & b) I honestly don't know where we stand with each other right now and I'm truly embarrassed that there are parts of the night I cannot recall and am actually quite afraid to ask her to fill in such potentially intimate blanks for me. Most advice I've ever seen and heard when getting back together is to take it slow and easy. Well, to me, sleeping together kind of threw that whole "take it slow" concept right out the window. She's not the type of girl that would just sleep with someone. In fact, we've both been dating others during our split (neither of us is seeing anyone else currently)... and it was only I who had any sexual partners in that time. I feel so torn right now. Part of me thinks I just need to go back to NC, but at the same time that idea just doesn't feel right to me. We've started down a path it appears, but I'm not entirely clear on what that path is. We've been talking again, we've had a date and slept together, we've talked about plans for possible future dates & we did a lunch date today. NC just doesn't seem like the thing to do. The other part of me feels like I need to suck up my pride and just talk to her about this. Be honest that there are parts of the evening I don't clearly recall and find out where we stand. After all, I know that sleeping together was a huge thing for the both of us... but was it okay that it happened and why did it happen. However, it did happen so soon. I did not plan this, and actually, a huge part of me wishes it didn't happen. It was great and it meant the world to me, but even I can recognize maybe it was too soon. My biggest fears right now is that I'm embarrassed by all this quite a bit and the absolute last thing I want on this earth is to start pressing any issues and potentially ruining the prosperous path we might be heading down. The truth is... I do love this woman. I can absolutely see myself happy and spending the rest of my life with her. We have so much in common, we compliment each other so well. We always have the best time together when we are spending time with each other. I've spend so much time since the split improving my life and trying my best to move on. It's been such a life changing experience, but most of all it really helped me to realize that she is what I want and desire. While I know I don't need her to be happy, I do want to be with her. Perhaps I'm being a bit impatient. Actually, I know I am being impatient. I guess I'm just scared that how things have gone down recently aren't as I expected... and I thought I had this all planned out perfectly. Finding it hard to adjust and just roll with the punches... when all that I really want is to one day find ourselves back together again and blissfully happy. To me, NC is no longer the answer. Talking about things seems scary. Waiting for her to just bring everything up is getting frustrating. Sitting back on my hands and being quiet is torture. Thank god I have this forum to spill my guts on!!! Any advice appreciated!

Thanks guys... definitely trying not to mess this up. Second chances are rare and I'm really hoping to make this work out for the long haul. Meeting for lunch today... Baby steps, keep it cool, one day at a time

If she brings it up, be honest. Honesty is the best policy. I just recently had to deal with the same situation. Oddly enough, we've been broken up about 2.5 months, but we got together for a date this past weekend. I knew she had dated some gents in our time apart, as she also knew I had dated a few ladies as well. It really caught me off guard when I learned she never slept with any of them, yet I did sleep with one woman. Jury is still out on how she really feels about that. She was taken a back a little, but there was no doubt in either of our minds that the truth was... we weren't together anymore and we're suppose to be moving on. There should be no guilt in something like that. The two of you weren't together and you were living your life. If she can't accept that, imagine what other stuff she might not be willing to accept in the future when she actually feels like she has a right to know what you're doing.

Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to be low-key, but it's much harder to do so then I thought Going into this, I thought I had it all planned out perfectly. Get the date, have a great short time together and avoid the topic of the past. Enjoy a fine meal and just go back home. That plan went to the wayside and it ended up being a dinner of many hours, great conversation and let to us spending the night together. So much for part A of my plan. Now on to plan B which was to just try being low-key and enjoy some similar type dates over the course of about 2 months and see where things end up, hopefully were here bringing up the idea of us getting back together for good. I guess the whole sex thing has thrown me for a loop, and now it's only been 3-4 days and two months is looking like eternity. Guess I have to get back in the habit I got myself into a couple weeks back when we started talking again... repeating to myself often throughout the day... "baby steps, keep it cool, one day at a time" Thanks again!

I completely agree, and we did air them out during the date on Saturday. Well, more so that I sqwashed them dead when she made an oft handed comment about them. Basically, the 2 problems revolved around me saying some dumb and mean stuff when i was drunk. Things I didn't mean, but they were still things that hurt her and made her look at me differently. Things I said because I was insecure and had doubts about why such a thin and attractive women would be with an overweight guy like me. I pretty much left it at, "that was then, it's in the past... and please don't continue to label those instance as drunk me... but rather what they really were... overweight and insecure me". She seemed to take that rather well and finally seemed to understand were I was coming from at the time. Sure, it probably didn't hurt that now she was looking into the skinny face of an almost new person!

First, this is a new ID but I've been here on ENA since around new years of this past year. The Ex left me in mid December of last year. The first and third week after the split I did all the undignified begging, pleading, promising, trying to use logic... and it all failed miserably. I leave out the second week as we were still in contact, but I refrained from the begging, pleading, etc. and things seemed to be heading back to getting back together. I of course jumped the gun in week 3, more begging, pleading, etc. and it just pushed her away. After that last round, I was in utter despair. That is when I found this forum, and it has really helped me tremendously. Big thanks to SuperDave71 and majord23 as I have found the wisdom they share to be immensely beneficial. I decided to go NC (with some LC upon her initiation). I've focused squarely on getting myself back. The biggest thing I realized is that during our relationship, not only was I overweight and insecure about it, but I lost myself along the way and more so felt that my being became an extension of her existence and/or presense in my life. What a mistake! I threw myself into improving myself. I started working out again towards the end of the relationship, but really decided to go at it with a passion after the split. As a positive note, I've lost almost 40 pounds now in the past 4 months and look better than I have since I was in my early 20's. I've gotten back in close contact with a lot of friends I haven't spent much time with lately and I've found my way back to church and strengthening my faith in the Lord. My confidence is at, and has been for awhile now, at an All Time High! Over the course of the last month and a half, I've dated 4 other woman since the ex. Nothing special has happened from any of these dates. Heck, I never even had a second date with any of these women. What dating did though was allow me to help build my confidence level and really helped me to realize what I wanted in my life right now. It helped me to realize that I have a ton of great things in my life at this time, that I am open to a relationship, but it is a relationship with my ex that I would like! If that could happen, great! If not, I'm happy with myself right now and I can be fine just going about life as I have been lately and maybe something great will come one day down the road with a new person that compliments and inspires me the way that my ex did. About a month ago, I read through majord23's Perfect Plan & Perfect Plan Mach II about a dozen times each. The first week or so I decided to give his Perfect Plan a shot as the ex was still in contact with me occasionally. I really took to NC at this point. Mentally, going into the second week it really felt like I was following a "plan" and results weren't happening like I thought, somewhat in part because I underestimated the level of contact I would still have with my ex once I made the conscience effort to not contact her directly in any way, shape or form. It was at this point I decided to give Mach II a try. A perfect opportunity presented itself, so I took advantage of it. The ex had called over the weekend looking for assistance with something she was trying to figure out around her house. I didn't call back right away. It's been several months since the split, and I was feeling pretty confident and happy. I felt ready to be able to talk with her again. So I took this opening as a way to get back into speaking with her and seeing where things might lead. Time really does heal a lot of wounds. Over the next week or so, I found that we were having great conversations again and I could definitely tell she was still holding quite a bit of attraction towards me... and most importantly, we didn't talk about the ONLY 2 negatives of the past that led to the break up. I say ONLY 2, as they were minor little arguments that probably could have just been worked through and corrected, but they weren't. I finally took the bold move about a week and a half ago to ask her out on a date this past weekend. Trying to bread some anticipation and mystery, I intentionally set up an elaborate date and did so 8 days in advance and would not tell her where we were going. Come to the day before the date, she let me know she was excited for it, so I thought great. Well, we went out and had a fabulous time. In fact, fabulous doesn't adequently describe the evening. It was beyond perfect in almost every sense. We had been broken up for roughly 2 and a half months at this time. It was like we were never apart. We had a great dinner, hours of great conversation, talked quite a bit about our situation, and even finished the night off by sleeping together. It was pure magic. Now I sit here on a Wednesday though, we've had a bit of contact and conversation since Sunday morning... but not as much as I would have hoped. We never outright discussed getting back together. Sex is something I know she doesn't take lightly, so emotion and attraction have to be there. I was pretty clear the other night that like when we first started, it was my responsibility (as the guy) to make the calls and pursue starting the relationship... but now it was her turn to make the moves. I've said my peace in the past, I've gotten my life back in order, I'm open to dating her again... but if this is gonna be something she wants too... it's on her to show the initiative. I'm here & ready, open, and willing to discuss. Maybe this is the correct approach, maybe not. I know when we talked last night I really wanted to inquire about where we go from here, but I refrained. It can't work if we're both not wanting it equally. On the same hand, we both can be a bit stubborn about these types of situations. I'm just not sure how to proceed, but it seems like it shouldn't be this mentally time consuming and thought provoking on my end. Any advice on what I should or shouldn't do next?