How long did it take before you knew they were the one?

[BoddenProBowler06]

My current girlfriend of 2 months is someone I can really see myself spending the rest of my life with. She's perfect in every way and has a great personality. She talks about marriage all the time and says what songs she's going to play at it and everything. We're both only 18 years old though, and she's still in high school while I'm in college. I still haven't told her I love her yet, but I do. I'm worried I might be moving too fast. Should I tell her how I feel or would it scare her away?

 

The last girlfriend I had dated me for 6 months and I never had these thoughts, so it's kind of weird. I never even though I'd get married or want to get married until at least 30 or so.

[sophie274]

Hey

 

In my opinion, if you think she is "perfect in every way", you are not yet at that stage where you can know she is the one and make the decision that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. You sound like you and her are still in the honeymoon stage. For me, deciding whether you can spend the rest of your life with someone comes AFTER the honeymoon stage, when you see the person for what they really are (not perfect !), accept those faults and they accept yours, realize the problems that you two have, have developed good communication to solve those problems, have similar goals in life, are willing to compromise, are committed to making your union work no matter what ... and many more!

 

I think it's great that you're in love with your girlfriend, but for now you are too giddy and fuzzy to decide if she is a life partner, and that's ok! You're not supposed to decide now! Just keep on dating, building that foundation, and maybe you two will indeed spend the rest of your time together. However, few people find the person they will end up marrying so young, and so if you two break up that's ok too. People have various thoughts on whether one can know someone is "the one" - personally I think it's more a process of trial and error which ends with you finding someone you can have a partnership with for the rest of your life - others disagree.

 

I don't think you should be deciding on marriage. I'm a sophomore in college and have been dating my boyfriend for a year in a half, and while he is someone I could definitely see myself marrying a few years down the road, I don't feel the need to make that decision now or commit to it via an engagement. It's probably a good idea to finish college before getting married, so just relax, enjoy the ride and save the decision making for later.

[arwen]

Hey bodden,

 

For me, everytime a relationship ended and a new one started, I found that the definition of love was different. The best definition for me I found in my current bf. But we have been together for over a year now, and are at other stages in life.

 

I think that it may be too soon for you now. Don't confuse being completely in love with the longterm desire. That doesn't mean you aren't right for each other, of course! It could be she is the one, but I think that it's risky to make sort of a 'decision' that this is the case. I think it's better to go with the flow a bit, take it easy. A lot in your life changes between say 18 and 25. Between that is the time you will be in college/uni, and even more importantly, start a career.

 

Personally I wouldn't advise anyone to get married or engaged at such an early stage (2 months) of a relationship, or at that age (seeing that you are 18). But to be committed to each other and really work on a solid relationship, those are certainly things you should strive for.

 

I think it's a beautiful thing that you feel this kind of love for someone, cherish that and let it grow. Treat it like a seed you planted for a tree- it doesn't have the wooden root overnight and giving it too much food/water will kill it prematurely.

 

Arwen

[Jetta]

I'm going to disagree with the previous poster. You know the one is the one when you know. There isn't a correct age, and people used to marry by age 21 and were considered old if they hadn't by age 25. That was my mom's generation. With that said you could also be entering a stage where marriage is beginning to cross your mind and entertaining thoughts of being married to her. If she really is the one she'll be with you until you are both truly ready to be married.

[annie24]

nicely stated arwen! I agree, don't rush into anything. I am glad you met this really special woman, seems like you two have a good connection. don't worry about marriage and all that stuff just yet, keep getting to know her.

 

as for your question, I don't know, because I haven't met "the one" yet. there were some guys I thought were "the one" but clearly they weren't as I'm still single

[arwen]

I'm going to disagree with the previous poster. You know the one is the one when you know. There isn't a correct age, and people used to marry by age 21 and were considered old if they hadn't by age 25. That was my mom's generation. With that said you could also be entering a stage where marriage is beginning to cross your mind and entertaining thoughts of being married to her. If she really is the one she'll be with you until you are both truly ready to be married.

 

I think that has to do with the fact that I don't believe in The One in the sense that I get from your post, maybe. I don't believe that there is just this single person that is destined for you. But that's another discussion

 

Arwen

[annie24]

yeah, I don't believe that there is only one person out there who is right for you. I think there are literally, thousands or millions of people out there that could be a good match. What if my "one" is living in some rural villiage in mongolia? how depressing!

[HyruleGuardian]

I kind of agree with arwen and annie about "the one". My girlfriend is really outgoing and I'm kind of shy, but it's like opposites attracted. We complement each other really well.

[arwen]

I have to say though, that my bf is the first one that triggers the 'desire' for starting a family and sharing a household, that kind of thing. He's the first bf that I want to marry. Hopefully I will in the future! When I knew? Well, I think that came over time. Certainly not in the very early stages (I am a bit of a cautious person after having my heart broken a couple of times). I think that after about half a year we started to talk about living together. That's when I realized that in fact I wanted to share my life with him, in other words, that something had grown in that period that I think is a solid foundation for a committed future together.

 

Arwen

[Orlander]

What if my "one" is living in some rural villiage in mongolia?

I hear Mongolia is quite lovely this time of year, Annie.

 

Maybe there is a happy medium here somewhere. Just wait 6 months and if you still feel the same way then consider marriage. What do you have to lose by waiting a little bit?? You'll still be together.

 

 

Orlander

[ghost69]

2 months and you are considering this? and you are both 18. wow. uhm....rethink it. you have a lot of life ahead of you.

[MissDQ]

hey, I knew within a few months...for sure within four or five. Your initial feelings can be validated by examining practical issues, like compatibility, values, goals, etc.

[ghost69]

marriage and all of that should be close to the last thing to do on your life list since it lasts so long. well, it is supposed to. most people it doesn't. you should accomplish establishing a career, getting a place, etc. before marriage. you can stay with the same person yeah, but marriage will more than likely change your focus.

[splashdown]

Just repeat to yourself "There is no such thing as 'the one', there is no such thing as 'the one'". You'll save yourself a lot of heartache by not putting unrealistic expectations on another person to fulfill your life.

[ghost69]

everybody gets a feeling about someone being the one. who knows who it really is. you have a magic ball that told you this for sure? no, you don't. don't focus on taking your relationship further until you have been accomplished.

[anydaynow]

My current girlfriend of 2 months is someone I can really see myself spending the rest of my life with. She's perfect in every way and has a great personality. She talks about marriage all the time and says what songs she's going to play at it and everything. We're both only 18 years old though, and she's still in high school while I'm in college. I still haven't told her I love her yet, but I do. I'm worried I might be moving too fast. Should I tell her how I feel or would it scare her away?

 

The last girlfriend I had dated me for 6 months and I never had these thoughts, so it's kind of weird. I never even though I'd get married or want to get married until at least 30 or so.

 

I think it is okay to talk to her about this kind of stuff, but don't take off and elope just yet! People really do grow and change in their early twenties, and you are both still in your late teens. You are teenagers! Not to say that it has no chance of working out just because you are young.

 

A long engagement starting in a couple years might be appropriate. Hopefully by then she will be thinking about what marriage really is, and not "what songs she is going to play at it." She is talking about a wedding reception, not marriage!

 

Since you are both young and probably more prone to personality changes than your average 30 year old, a couple of years might be enough to tell if you will be able to grow together, or if your growing will lead you apart.

 

I met my boyfriend at 19. We were both in college, and he was a couple years ahead of me. I was so sure he was the one, that it was mere months before we started talking marriage. But I was young, and our relationship was young, and maybe a little immature, and we had a brief 1 month separation at the one year mark. Got back together and 7 years later, we have grown and matured individually and as a couple and we are now engaged. We are looking at getting married within a year. We are both so happy and excited about marrying one another. It feels so perfect and so right!

 

If you think you know she is the one, you can talk to her about it. But let your relationship grow and see what direction it takes before making any big moves.

 

Good luck!

[ghost69]

once you take the jump into the signing of the papers, people can instantly change after that too. make sure you understand the whole scenario.

[assumeLove]

She talks about marriage all the time and says what songs she's going to play at it and everything.

That's not marriage, that's a wedding. Two very different things.

 

I believe you can recognize someone you could spend the rest of your life with very quickly. I don't think you should commit to doing so until you've seen that person in a wide variety of situations over a period of time.

 

If you marry young (as I did), I strongly recommend a few marriage education classes. Life has many trial-and-error lessons in store for you, and if you don't complete a bunch of them before you marry, they can damage your relationship with the person who matters most to you, if you don't know how to protect it.

 

And, please, before you set a date and start discussing the wedding, discuss the marriage.

[ghost69]

so many really young people get caught up in getting married these days. so many people are in this huge hurry to grow up. it's not the 50s/60s anymore where people get married young and divorce is a big no no. too many young people play around with this concept too much and get divorced quickly. look at the stupid celebs that do it all of the time. not that they are a great example.

[Beyondthesea]

Although it's rare, I really do believe some people 'just know.'

 

My fiance's aunt/uncle met each other (keep in mind this was 20 years ago) and were married within a week. They are still married, very happy and are the nicest people in the world. Now that's rare.

 

My fiance & I were dating nearly a year then he popped the question. We both knew right away that this was right for us. Our relationship is wonderful and we compliment each other splendidly.

 

I know this sounds crazy, but we knew right away that we were going to be married. He brought it up within a month of dating, and I was shocked. I didn't think men could be like that. But I wasn't afraid and neither was he.

 

Sometimes, you just 'know.'

[Devchonka]

In my experiece of reading posts and surveying around it seems that people date anything from a year to 5 average before theres an engagement...so something around that time talk about marriage starts to seep in.

 

Personally, I'm in a relationship for 8 plus months and even I can't believe how quickly everything started feeling "right". We're heading for marriage once college is finished...I'm a junior in college now, but there's graduate school as well. I feel like we went through the honeymoon stage and the finding yourself in relationship phase etc within the first 5 months. Technically he knew after a month...i was hurt before so i really held back as much as i could before i couldn't deny it anymore.

 

Take it slow. Don't title things anything yet. You don't want to cling onto this relationship no matter what because you've titled her your someday wife. Just have fun! Things will come to you eventually You're feeling great right now, congradulations! It's a great feeling to be in love

[ghost69]

i'm not denying that some people just know. but a lot of people that 'just know' still end up in divorce.

[assumeLove]

i'm not denying that some people just know. but a lot of people that 'just know' still end up in divorce.

Yes, they do, lots of them. What's your take on the reason for this? Were they wrong about the person? Or does successful marriage require something other than finding the right person?

[ghost69]

a lot of people get blindsighted by being comfortable. the relationship is just calm. no problems, but no excitement. sometimes being too comfortable leads to this. then peope finally realize they need to get out. it's just not for them. or people think somebody is so great so early in the relationship, they dive into marriage. then the realize their mistake and leave. i'm not saying it's mostly young people, i'm not old either, but a lot of my peers get married thinking it is the thing to do them boom, they find out it's not all what it's cracked up to be. a lot of hype is put on the word marriage and it seems so cool. it's seems grown up so people want to do it. a lot of people want to change that way. then they find out the change is huge.