Unhealthfully obsessed.

[Silentlyfor]

I have a problem. I'm obessed with my ex. Or rather it's coming to the point, again, that I'm thinking about her so much that I've started reading her blog and checking up on what she is doing. I even felt a twinge of pain when I was mentioned amoungst her new years resolutions when I discovered that dumping me was something she was proud of.

 

I don't think I'm a healthy person. I think this one person that I have once fallen in love with is something that I'm always obsessed with. I don't know what's wrong with me. Hell, I don't even feel heart broken anymore. I don't even feel pain when I hear her name or think about her any more. But the fact remains that I do ruminate about what she's doing, what I did wrong, why she broke up with me(she didn't express any real reason) or why the hell she chose someone else over me.

 

This isn't right. I think I'm mentally sick. I need help. Like, I mean, we were only together for a year. I should be happy too. She was abusive and emotionally distant with me. So why am I thinking about her? Why am I constantly hoping that her life turns to * * * * and she fails? Why do I * * * *ing keep reading her blog when she basically told me to * * * * off by telling me she wanted NC?

 

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!??

[astaro]

dont be so hard on your self man.

 

how long has it been?

[lady00]

A year is a long time to be with someone. Heck, I was with someone for only a couple of months and the breakup has still made me feel really sad. You shouldn't be so tough on yourself. What you are going through is normal. I think you just need to hang in there and try to force yourself to stop reading her blog.

Its hard to understand why you miss someone who was abusive and emotionally distant isn't it? But it's not unusual that you miss her. I think what it is is that you are angry at her for not changing and being a better gf to you and instead going off to someone else. I've been there. I oncehad a guy who didn't treat me well at all move on after a couple weeks to someone else. I talked to him again recently and it felt good to know that i would never choose to be with him ever again even if he asked. I have just completely lost those feelings over time and after dating others who treated me so much better. I think you will feel the same way eventually but it will take time. Just try to ride out the rollercoaster until you can get off it.

[JoJo90814]

Hey-

I did alllllll of that stuff and more when my boyfriend and I broke up. Breaking up SUCKS! I mean, damn, listen to about every song out there.

 

You are not alone trust me.

 

I just finished a developmental psych class and some interesting piece of data I learned was that most peoples (esp. teens) first major depression occurs with a first breakup. Pretty profound.

 

Now let me tell you what you focus on only gets bigger.

Focus on the good (healthy) things about yourself and your life. Don’t be stubborn- just try it.

Then focus on what you want...don’t ever let the thought of what you don’t want come in because it will only make it bigger.

 

Other things that will make you feel better:

-funny movie

-go outside and walk

-write about it

-keep yourself busy

-friends

-pray for sanity (im not religious but it helps for some reason)

-do something nice for someone/volunteer (even if it is on this message board)

-No matter how much resistance, force yourself to go out (a date would be cool too)

 

I know everyday and every moment is a struggle so just keep reminding yourself of what you want, what you already have (grateful for) and do something to make yourself feel better.

 

I personally suffer from self destructiveness and obsessive thoughts on a daily basis- but I can HONESTLY say that all of the above makes me feel SOOOO much better and healthier.

 

One more thing- time heals all wounds and this too shall pass.

 

I love this:

 

If I feel depressed I will sing. If I feel sad I will laugh. If I feel ill I will double my labor. If I feel fear I will plunge ahead. If I feel inferior I will wear new garments. If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice. If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come. If I feel incompetent I will think of past success. If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals. Today I will be the master of my emotions.

[Silentlyfor]

That's just it. This is why I think I'm unhealthy. It's been about 8 months since I last has any contact with her. I mean, we were very VERY close to each other in that year(turns my stomache as I typed that) but it's nearing another year since I even saw her.

 

I still think something is wrong with me.

[JoJo90814]

It took me two years to get over my boyfriend.

 

Oh- one more thing...therapy really helps and if $$ is a problem, theres places that have sliding scales.

[finewhine]

Redmange, I remember we broke up with our exes around the same time, when I first stumbled accross this board.

 

Will it help you if you know that I still think about my ex? I don't check his blog, but I want to. I don't check his MySpace or his photolog or anything like that, but the temptation's there. I even ran into his new GF last weekend and cried.

 

I really think that we think about things when we need to. I'm sure, in the eight months since you've split, you haven't been like this. You've probably had periods when you weren't thinking about her at all.

 

All this ruminating probably has something to do with a couple factors:

1. It's a slow time of year. Winter is nearly over and spring hasn't started yet. People are tired, cold, and cranky. You've probably been cooped up in the house.

2. Not one full year has passed since we split with our exes. There are still opportunities for us to do things that we did last year with our exes. For instance, I went to a friend's birthday party last night that my ex attended with me last year, and I couldn't help but remember that.

3. You're not done getting over it yet. There's something about your breakup that you need to resolve/get over.

 

Finally, I really believe that there is darkness before the dawn. You're probably on the cusp of being totally healed.

 

Don't beat yourself up.

[GuitarmanIII]

Hi Red, I'm going through exactly the same thing as you right now. It's been six months. I can cry almost any time still.

 

Right now, I live through the pain...I feel it right through my body, because it's natural...and I've been told that it's part of the greiving process. But I have hope. I know it will get better...in time.

 

We need to keep on living and force ourselves to have fun. There is light at the end of this tunnel.

 

We're with you...

 

G

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I looked up the definition of obsession and this one jumped out at me...

 

"Obsessive thinking is an emotional defense that, like all of the various manifestations of codependency, is dysfunctional. Being in our heads - thinking, fantasizing, ruminating - is a defense we adapted in childhood to help us disassociate from the emotional pain we were experiencing. It is dysfunctional because it keeps us focused on the future or the past - we miss out on being alive today. It is dysfunctional because our attempts to escape unpleasant feelings causes us to generate more unpleasant feelings. " Robert Burney

 

The reason why I looked up the definition in hopes to fit into how you are feeling right now, to perhaps have an understanding to what is the underlying issue. And once the understanding has been established, then you can focus on is wrong and take the necesssary steps to fix it.

 

So, with this definition in mind, perhaps you are avoiding your own pain and not focusing on the present. Perhaps you are "stuffing" your feelings and hiding behind these obsessions. You mentioned your ex was emotionally abusive, cold, distant. Perhaps your ego is protecting itself from the pain your relationship and this obsessive behavior are acting as a "smoking mirror." So, once you figure out why this is happening, then you can fix it.

 

Have you dealt with the pain this person caused you, have you grieved the end of the relationship? Or did you sweep all these feelings under the rug? Be honest with yourself. It is okay to feel sad, angry, hurt, frustrated. It is all part of the grieving process. It has been said there are five stages of grieving. So once you figure out where these behaviors are stemming from, you can break yourself from this. Plus, perhaps you checking her blogs and whatnot can be based on habit too. A habit can either be made or broken in 21 days. You are not doomed to this forever.

 

Take it one day at time. One you deal with the pain as it comes and come to terms with it, the pain will become less and less. I promise.

 

Hang in there.

[Silentlyfor]

Thank you.

 

I did go through all the greiving stages, Depression being the worst. You wouldn't believe how much I cried. It was horrible. I thought after so many months of that I would be over her. I don't know if I am. I guess I'm not.

 

But you're right. One day at a time and I will be fine. It just sucks is all.

[Belle]

Interesting post Kellbell. It explains a lot about an obsession I had that I had no idea I was capable of, several years ago.