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Kids, No Kids- Different Objectives


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From the beginning of my last relationship (which lasted 4 years) I always told my (then) boyfriend that I wanted kids-- I even went through medical procedures and endured the resulting emergency tumor surgery in order to one day become fertile and have kids with that boyfriend... after 4 years he one night stated, "I never wanted kids!" which he never told me before... he had always said, "If I had a kid with you I would love it."


That night I broke up with him because of the clear difference in our relationship objectives.


Was I in the wrong or was I in the right?


Just was wondering because he wanted to get back together, however now he's saying "I don't know if I want kids" rather than, "I never want kids."


Wondering about the change in tune. Any input?

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I think that's a valid thing to break up over. Each person has their deal breakers and that's a common one. Just be careful with what he's saying now. If he has actually changed his mind and is considering kids that's one thing, but considering it was why you left I think there's a good chance he's saying it to get you back. It gives you a bit of hope without him actually committing to wanting a child.

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What would make him say that "he never wanted kids" that night, vs the four years he said "If I had a kid with you I would love it". What I am pointing out is, do you think you might have dumped him prematurely over just one sentence. Did you guys try to talk it out about what brought about this change of mind and why he said what he said, or did you just summarily dump him after he said that "he never wanted kids"?


I am not saying you are wrong for breaking up with him, I am just trying to see if you did it in the heat of the moment and that might not be a good thing either.

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That night I'd found out I had another tumor-- my first tumor had been malignant-- and the reason I was getting the tumors was because I was trying hormone treatments to be able to have children one day-- from the get-go when we became seriously involved and lived together I'd told him that I wanted to get married and have children, and even if I couldn't have children I wanted to adopt... he always replied, "if I have a child with you I will love it." And thus I commenced on the fertility treatments which resulted in me getting my first tumor that needed surgery.


Then that day I went to the doctor and found out about the second one-- I came home and was discussing it and he told me he "never wanted children to begin" with and he "didn't know why I'd started the treatments in the first place".... which I then became really angry and broke up with him. After that many years, I thought our feelings were mutual about wanting to have children and it was a slap in the face to find out it was never so.


But even a couple years before we broke up when the treatments had started working and became fertile again, I'd told him we needed to buy condoms if we weren't ready to have children just yet-- he always refused to buy condoms.


Every time he asked for sex I asked him, "Did you buy condoms?" His answer was always "No." I was trying to point out that he needed to take responsibility in the relationship. Because he never bought condoms, we stopped having sex.


A few days ago we light-heartedly talked about getting back together and I asked him if he was willing to buy condoms... and he said no. I told him until he's responsible enough to buy condoms we will never have sex again. You would think a person who "never wanted children" or even "on the fence about having children" would be more than willing to buy condoms.


Anyway... the more I think about it the gladder I am I dumped him when I did. Made up my mind I'm never getting back together with him-- there's better fish in the sea.


I appreciate your inputs, though. Thanks.

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that's part of dating. you are trying to find someone that has the same outlook on life as you and wants the same things out of it.



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