Staying home mom

[southerngirl]

Its been close to four years since I had a 'real' job. My last job that was a fulltime day job that is.. I used to work as an office manager/accounts payable person for an electrical contractor... So point is that I could get a decent job if I went to get one.

 

Well, now things have changed and I have a 9 year old, a 25 month old and a 10 week old. My mother in law keeps making comments about how I should have a job. See, we arent rich but we do make ends meet. We have food to eat and the bills are paid without much extra if I stay home like this. But, I worry about putting the younger kids in daycare.

 

Also even if I went to look for a job, I dont have anyone to watch the kids for me while I go look. I wish there were a way to get her off my back about it. She was riding me to go apply for food stamps and I didnt want to. Just the thought of it is degrading to me, her idea was that if im not going to work then I need to go do that even though she knows i didnt want to do it. Pride? So, anyway I did go there. WE dont even qualify... See, we arent starving...... So now she stopped bothering me about that and back to bugging me to get a job.

 

The baby is only 10 weeks old, shes not even sitting up yet! She cant even roll over! What if some freaking idiot hurts her then its too late.

 

Anyway, she lives right next door so 'not talking to her' just isnt going to work. I think part of the problem is that she has always worked even while raising three kids.... Where my mom didnt work. Out of my moms 3 sisters, 2 didnt work..... I feel like my work is right here in my home, is that so bad? Sure, I could get a job thats not the point... do I want to? no..

 

Any advice here or anyone gone through this?

[Beec]

Well, first off, your husband needs to tell you mother in law to back off. Your are the team, he needs to block for you on this. That's part of his duty, keep his mother off your back. You need to keep your family off of his.

 

Second, what about you consdiering something that lets you work for home, even if only for a few hours a week. A friend's wife used to do medical transcription from home, when her kids were small. Something like that would bring in a few dollars, let you stay with your kids, and get you doing some work for when and if you want to go back working.

[rocio]

Only you, as a mother, know what's best for your children and family. Don't let her make you doubt yourself and your decisions.

 

If you would like to bring in some extra income, why not start a home daycare by bringing a couple more kids into your home? Of course, right now you have a newborn on your hands, but if you start advertising now you might be able to have something lined up for when you're ready. You could also work part-time, even just 10 hours/week or something. Either get your husband to babysit or let your MIL take the kids, since she's SO anxious to fix your financial problems!

 

Of course, if you feel that you can best serve the family and keep your sanity by just focusing on raising the kids, without taking on extra responsibilities, then you need to trust that.

[Scout]

The ironic thing is, if she had stayed home and you were working, she'd probably be advising the opposite.

 

Anyway, I was reading about stay-at-home-parenting just the other day. Often, it ends up costing the family more money when both parents work than if just one did, because you have to factor in transportation, business clothes, lunches at restaurants, daycare, and other expenses.

 

It seems to me you have your hands full with three kids right now. And another thing, working from home can be just as distracting. I know a couple of women who work from home, and they've still had to hire nannies. You've got calls you need to make, work you need to do...you need few distractions, and three kids are a pretty big distraction!

 

And personally, if I had three kids already, the last thing I would want to do is open up a daycare center, lol.

 

I think that the two-income ideal often lands people in major debt. It seems you and your husband have mastered the difficult art of adhering to a sensible budget, and managing to keep your heads above water. You've got a roof over your head, food on the table, and a happy home life.

 

Now, if you feel personally you'd like a little something else in your life at some point to focus on, why does it have to be a job, per sec? Why not volunteer for a cause both you and your husband believe in? I have a very good friend whose husband is the primary breadwinner, but she volunteers probably sixty hours a week for various animal rights issues. He shares her passion for animal rights, and he considers her volunteering a JOINT effort on both their part. A lot of people might not understand this, as we tend to think our life is defined either solely by our career, or our family. But there are other things in life that matter, too.

[BellaDonna]

My mother in law keeps making comments about how I should have a job. See, we arent rich but we do make ends meet

 

Is she offering to help with childcare while you work? If not then IMO she should not have much to say!

 

How does your husband feel about this? If the 2 of you are content with your current arrangement- that's all that matters.

 

Funny thing is- we can't win! My in-laws have been saying the opposite: that I should NOT go back to work once I have my baby. (if interested see my "nosey people" thread in the pregnancy forum) ](*,)

 

I would suggest that if you truly want to return to work (for YOU- not anyone else) then pick up something part-time that you can do while your husband watches the kids. I was 1 of 3 kids and my mother had a night job doing research when we were still small. My dad would come home from work and take over with dinner, etc. And my mom got a chance to get out of the house, do something for herself, and make a little extra money. It seemed to work out well. She only returned to full-time daytime work once we were all school-aged.

 

Only work if you want to. People can talk until they turn blue in the face- but bottom line: this is between you and your husband (no one else) so what they say does not really matter.

 

BellaDonna

[ImThatGirl]

Are you and your husband both comfortable with your living / financial arrangments?

 

If so, tell mil you have a job! You're a full time mother and don't plan to change that.

 

Southern...... You know if I had the option, I'd go back 6 years and stay at home with my son and then my daughter. My children are going to be 4 and 7 this summer and I look back and see all I missed because I was busy rushing to work.

 

Not to mention, daycare fee's. Would it really pay to work? Daycare around here for an infant is @ $150.00 a week. And then a 2/3 year old at least $100.00 a week. And as Scout said, add on clothing expenses, gas, etc. etc.

 

Tell your husband to tell her to bug off!

[southerngirl]

yeah yall make some good points. She wouldnt be there to help. Not if I found a job and not for me to look for one either. She has the attitude that just because she worked and she did it that somehow Im not doing good enough for my family because Im not working.

 

She works full time. She even asked me if the lady accross the street would babysit while I look for a job or if there was any ladies at the church willing to do it. Yeah right, I dont want to give them to any stranger... and the lady accross the street isnt young. Her kids are all my age or older so I do not think she would even want to do that!

 

About finances.... should I get a full time job and pay at least 200 dollars a week for childcare, thats cash up front. So then I have to wait 3 weeks at least to get that first paycheck. Thats 600 dollars at least out of pocket not to mention gas and clothes and food. i would need to do some serious shopping to buy some office type clothes (thats the type of work I would seek) because all my clothes that I wore a few years ago are too small now by about 3 clothes sizes.

 

So lets say that I get a decent job to start out at 10 dollars an hour. Thats actually shooting kind of high because of the area I live, that would be a very high starting pay..... So lets back up, I havent even WORKED for years so best I could hope for is 9. K so lets do the math here. 9 dollars an hour for 40 hours comes to about 360 a week? Lets pay the tax man... takes it down to what? 280? or less..... Take out daycare and your left with about 80.....

 

80 dollars, minus gas and thats alot cause of gas prices my nice impala out there is great on gas but it would still cost at least 40 a week, thats a low end. So now we are down to about 20 dollars a week. HA! What on earth should I bother to leave the house for? To what cost...

 

I dont know... I just would rather not even bother.. I may feel differently in a few years when they arent so very little anymore.

[BellaDonna]

You do what feels best for you and your family.

 

Let everyone else listen to themselves talk.

 

 

[Scout]

That's exactly what the people discovered on the stay-at-home-parenting website I referenced. It's not worth it unless you have a really high-paying job, and even then...the emotional costs aren't factored in. Because how can you put a price on those?

[justpaisley]

Haha - when I first read your last message, I read "$200 a month" instead of "$200 a week." I thought, where in the h-e-double-hockey sticks can you find day care for a toddler and an infant and after school care for a 9-year-old for $200 a month?!???!?!!? Oy... Gotta develop those reading skills a bit better.

 

Have you let your MIL in to the reality of the situation? How much you could conceivably make, how much day care would costs for the two younger ones + after school care for the older one? How heinously immoral it is to live off the taxpayer's dime when you have no need to do so?

 

I don't want to bring a conspiracy theory into play here, but do you think your husband is complaining to your mom about money?

[rocio]

My situation is similary in some ways. Although I had a single mom, she somehow found a way to stay home with us (bringing elderly folks into the home to live with us, getting up at 4am to go clean some office building and be home by the time we woke up, babysitting, government assistance, etc.) She is strongly against daycares and mothers who work full-time. My sister followed in her footsteps and stays home with my neice. Personally, I'll be returning to full-time work after a year, and she's just going to have to accept that it doesn't mean I love my child any less, it doesn't make me less of a mom, and it doesn't mean I'm some superficial, materialistic sell-out.

[southerngirl]

Was talking to my husband about this while he was on his lunch break an hour ago. I mentioned that I had posted on here. He said that I should write it all down on paper....... showing the lack of positive cash flow should I even get a job... so that we could show it to her and he said that would shut her up.

 

AHHHH I get so tired of her being so outspoken on all things. She does mean well, shes not trying to be judgemental or mean. I really think she just cant help herself.

 

As for him complaining. I dont think he has done that. I think that she can just see whats right there, and can put two and two together. Sure, its hard right now but wouldnt it be regardless? We do make ends meet. We really dont have much extra, thats life right now and while its not easy and theres no silver spoon to be found its our life.

 

Husband also said that I should go to school then, so I can make big money... To go to school at night even 2 classes at a time. I really should check into that because I want to have a career one day. One where I can get paid better money.....

[BellaDonna]

I mentioned that I had posted on here. He said that I should write it all down on paper....... showing the lack of positive cash flow should I even get a job... so that we could show it to her and he said that would shut her up.

 

That is one solution - but I honestly think it gives your MIL too much power. It implies that you have to justify your decisions to her- which should really not be the case.

 

If it were me, I'd say,

 

" husband's name and I have talked this over and we have done the math. We would not benefit from me working at this time. Thanks for your advice but we have it taken care of. We know this is the best set-up for us and our family"

 

BellaDonna

[Beec]

It occurs to me that her comments may come more from her wanting to feel she made the right choice in working than for any other reason.

[BellaDonna]

Husband also said that I should go to school then, so I can make big money... To go to school at night even 2 classes at a time. I really should check into that because I want to have a career one day. One where I can get paid better money....

 

Furthering your education can never hurt- and it's good that you have his support.

 

Don't stress too much. You have a 10 week old. Enjoy your new baby and don't worry about the rest. All that other stuff can wait until you are ready.

 

 

[rocio]

Don't stress too much. You have a 10 week old. Enjoy your new baby and don't worry about the rest. All that other stuff can wait until you are ready.

 

Seriously. You just went through a long pregnancy ending in a lovely C-section coupled with further surgery. This woman should not be harassing you like this.

[ImThatGirl]

I wondered the same thing Paisley. Southern, your husband truly understands, doesn't he?

 

What I learned being a single mama. I had/have to work. Fortunately I got a little lucky with the money I make. So we have a little left over even after paying all the bills, etc. It pays to work rather than the alternative I would have. But it is frustrating. Go to work everyday. Barely pay the bills. Work to pay daycare - - - - What's wrong with that picture? It makes no sense!

 

But no Southern, please don't change your mind to please her. Maybe you should write it all on paper for her and then she will have a further understanding of expenses. I assume when she was a working mother, daycare was much cheaper! Or, tell her that if she can find you a job paying at least $15 hourly, you will go to work.

[flower99]

I feel like my work is right here in my home, is that so bad? Sure, I could get a job thats not the point... do I want to? no..

 

Any advice here or anyone gone through this?

 

I believe your right.

Your job at home, raiseing your children is far more rewarding & important than any job you'd find.

If you don't NEED the money, don't do it. You have a 10week old. Even maternity leave, gives you 50 weeks. So the government even thinks it's wise to stay at home with the newborn (congratulations on the new born!)

She's making you doubt yourself, that's not right. You are happy with your life and I believe you should be. You being thier mother should have the most time & influence in thier life,rather than the stanger you'd pay while you make your 80-100$. I admire what your doing.

Disregard what your mother in law is saying, what's good for her isn't for you. Plus I do think your husband should speak up to her, because you are a team & in this together.

[flower99]

It occurs to me that her comments may come more from her wanting to feel she made the right choice in working than for any other reason.

 

Ahhh....true, good insight.

I agree, she probably does want you to make the same choice she did, so that she gets the reassurance that SHE did make the right choice.

[southerngirl]

I had the talk with her about how little money I would even make if I did get a job. She starts right in with knocking holes into the argument. Can't win.

 

Then I told her how me and mr discussed it and that I think Im going to go to school at night. I really want to do that anyway and if husband is supportive I have nothing stopping me. So..... Im going to make an appointment if possible to go up to the college and see about enrolling. If I can get funding and take classes at night, I may be able to take some classes over the computer. The website said it was a possibility for some of the classes. Her argument when I mentioned nursing was that I would be working 12 hour shifts and be away from the kids that much longer. I think no matter what I say shes not going to be happy. Honestly I dont think she likes that we seem to be doing so well for our ages. At 29 to own a house, and have decent things and to be able to stay home like this we are doing good. My hubby has worked for the same employer for 10 years and maybe she is jealous.

 

That may be reaching there but shes never been in a position to stay at home. Not even when my husband was little did she stay home.. She also didnt 'get' to go to college. One way or the other thats the current plan. Ending goal is that in five years when these two little ones are safely into elementary school I should be finishing up a degree even if I go to school part-time.

[justpaisley]

Her argument when I mentioned nursing was that I would be working 12 hour shifts and be away from the kids that much longer.

 

Holy cow. I think you've just earned your spot in the Crappy Mother-In-Law Club. For induction, you just need an overbearing mother-in-law. We'll have the biggest club on earth.

 

According to your MIL, being away from the kids 10 hours a day (8 hours of work plus lunch plus commute), give or take, is okay. Being away from them 13 hours a day (12 hour shift, plus commute, lunch hour is included) is... bad? Just barely breaking even and making a net profit of $20 a week in a dead-end office job - good. Being in a VERY high demand position and earning wages accordingly - bad. What? (By the way, I temped at a hospital near here that was doing everything they could to staff nurses and they treated their nurses like gold. They even flew nurses in from the Philippines - paid all their moving costs, got them apartments, etc. You could do worse than a nursing degree!!)

 

It seems like you really can't win with her. I've always thought that staying at home in an age where it almost always takes two incomes to get by was a sign of prosperity, but our mothers-in-law come from a different generation. I'm sorry, I really do feel your pain - my MIL is similar. I think Crappy Mothers-in-Law all share similar characteristics... I think it's time for you to practice saying "Thank you for your concern, Mom, but we're doing fine and we like where we are. I appreciate you worrying about us though." And LEAVE IT AT THAT. If she pushes the issue, say "No, we're okay," then blatantly change the subject. "Did you hear that *name of child* got an A on his math test?" It's clear that the more you disagree with her, the more she'll push, and you don't want that.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Going back to school sounds like a very good idea. I have a friend in a similar position - she just had her first child, is a stay-at-home mother, and is taking classes online. She's said that the hardest thing can be staying motivated. Your mother-in-law seems to be unhappy with any decision you make, though. Have you tried sitting down with her and explaining that you and your family are happy, and that she doesn't really have the right to tell you what to and what not to do? I think that sometimes we're so busy trying not to hurt the other person's feelings that we let them walk all over us. I know I've done it.

[southerngirl]

I called the local college and they are mailing me an information packet with a application and transcript request to send to my old highschool. Wow, that was ten years ago in 1996.... long time ago.

 

Ready or not, here I go. Im kind of nervous about the entire thing. She said that the next semester starts in april. Im hoping that by then, Im in school. I have decided that Im not going to allow myself to back out. Im just going to let the ball roll me where it goes. Wow, in a few months I should be in a classroom for the first time in ten years.

 

The nursing program is very hard to get into she says. She said they only accept a small ammount of new students into it each year but first I will need to start working on my basic course load anyway and apply and hope to be accepted. She said its easier to get into the LPN program than it is the RN program. Now I need to find out what the difference is between the two. I have no idea....

[Abby]

Next time she makes a comment about you getting a job ask her if she's offering to mind the children while you work.

 

That should shut her up! It did with a friend of mine who kept harping on at me to see this film or that film at the cinema and each time I patiently explained we rarely went out for lack of a babysitter. In the end I said, "We'd love to go and see that film at the cinema. Are you offering to babysit?" She never mentioned the cinema again!