Have I been involved with a married man?

[Anotherday]

I have been seeing someone on and off for the past year. I have never seen where he lives nor ever met his roommate, who is a woman. He always says...when you see my place, etc. and swears they are just friends.

 

Today I called him and his roommate had recorded a new message saying I had reached the Jones (fictitous name). I was shocked and called back a second time to reconfirm but I didn't hear it wrong. It's another holiday so of course I won't see him today and he failed to tell me last night he had today off. In one year we've spent three holidays together, but he's cut out early on each one. He's refused to let me see his driver's license and I've never understood as I know where he lives, how old he is, and when I've called him at home there's never been an issue with his roommate passing the phone to him.

 

I've believed him all this time. I cannot understand why I got that message this a.m., as neither one of them has that last name.

 

Am I jumping to conclusions (about his being married?) Is there any other way to look at this?

 

I already went to see my therapist this a.m. and told my therapist I needed to back away from this relationship, but I sure wasn't expecting that message this a.m. I am just numb and I wish I'd stay that way but I know I will not. I dread it when the numbness wears off and I plan to send him a letter tomorrow to end thingss and have no intention of ever answering the phone again (unless he leaves me a message he wants to come over and get his things).

 

He has an explosive temper so a letter is the best way to go, I think. Any thoughts are welcome.

[lady00]

Well, married or not, that you say he has an explosive temper makes me afraid for you. It is a huge red flag. Even if he hasn't been violent in the past, he should not have a temper that is out of control and this made lead to violence in the future. I'd avoid all further contact with this man if I were you. I thinkk you should mail him his stuff and then cut all contact immediately.

[avman]

He has an explosive temper so a letter is the best way to go,

 

Whether he is married or not - this reason alone is good enough to end the relationship.

 

You've been seeing him for a YEAR and you don't know how old he is or where he lives? Those are huge warning signs to me.

 

Your therapist is right - back away from this relationship. You don't need this person in your life.

[rabbitskin]

That's so weird. Have you seen documents with his name on them? Are you sure he has been using his real last name with you? Is there a possibility that the message is some sort of joke to do with his room-mate? (Like, she gave a guy her number but wants to put him off by being married, I'm fishing here)?

I'm also worried a bit about the explosive temper... I mean, if you can't talk to him about something because he gets angry, that's a BIG red flag... I think you're right to think about ending things but I'd definitely want to know what that message is all about. Better to know the truth.

[adahy]

Whether he is married or not - this reason alone is good enough to end the relationship.

 

You've been seeing him for a YEAR and you don't know how old he is or where he lives? Those are huge warnings signs to me.

 

Your therapist is right - back away from this relationship. You don't need this person in your life

.

 

 

My thoughts exactly!! Jeezz....this is scary. The man doesn't give you the most basic info about himself?? Get away and stay away!

[Anotherday]

That's so weird. Have you seen documents with his name on them? Are you sure he has been using his real last name with you? Is there a possibility that the message is some sort of joke to do with his room-mate? (Like, she gave a guy her number but wants to put him off by being married, I'm fishing here)?

I'm also worried a bit about the explosive temper... I mean, if you can't talk to him about something because he gets angry, that's a BIG red flag... I think you're right to think about ending things but I'd definitely want to know what that message is all about. Better to know the truth.

 

I've seen his work badge which has the name I've known him by. I've checked out his roommate on the Internet and she goes by a different name but the address and phone number check out. I spent Thanksgiving with his family. His roommate is supposedly not the kind of woman who attracts much attention or dates.

 

I don't know what to think anymore. Lately he just blows up and walks out on me or hangs up on me. Of course, I am provoking him and it's all my fault because I'm the one with the issues (according to him). Today is another holiday, so of course I won't hear from him at all or not until later.

 

I plan to put his stuff in my backyard so that he can retrieve his stuff. I just need notice so I don't put it out there and it sits. I don't have to even open up my door or ever see him again.

 

I want to know the truth from him but I don't, if that makes sense. This is why I am looking for input here.

 

Thanks all.

[treefrogkate]

Is this all over a phone message? If this is the only thing you're going by, it seems like you might be overreacting a bit. Why not talk to him and ask him about the message? "I see your answering machine message changed to telling me I had reached The Joneses. What's that all about?"

[adahy]

That's so weird. Have you seen documents with his name on them? Are you sure he has been using his real last name with you? Is there a possibility that the message is some sort of joke to do with his room-mate? (Like, she gave a guy her number but wants to put him off by being married, I'm fishing here)?

I'm also worried a bit about the explosive temper... I mean, if you can't talk to him about something because he gets angry, that's a BIG red flag... I think you're right to think about ending things but I'd definitely want to know what that message is all about. Better to know the truth.

 

I agree except for the message/truth statement. At this point, after a year, I would not want to know another single detail about this man!!!! If he can't share some of the most basic info w/ her, she shouldn't worry one bit about this stupid message. This man has been extremely disrespectful. I would not give him the courtesy of further discussion...or the opportunity to lie his way back into this girl's life. It doesn't take therapy or a PhD to know this man is BAD NEWS.

[Anotherday]

Is this all over a phone message? If this is the only thing you're going by, it seems like you might be overreacting a bit. Why not talk to him and ask him about the message? "I see your answering machine message changed to telling me I had reached The Joneses. What's that all about?"

 

Well, it's everything combined. I went over to his house once and he absolutely refused to let me come in. We got into a huge argument and my wanting to see where he lives has sort of fallen by the wayside. He never let me come in that night and then got really angry and yelled at me to go up to his door and meet his roommate. Of course, I didn't.

 

He had dinner with his roommate on Valentine's Day before he came over, but this is supposedly because I caused problems the night before on the phone. He stayed a bit over and hour and then walked out on me again, supposedly because I started a problem.

 

I've never seen his drivers license and he adamantly refuses to let me. I've spent three holidays with him and he's left early on each one, again over something I have done to cause a problem.

 

Something doesn't add up. My curiosity is getting the better of me, plus I don't want to cry any sooner than I have to. I guess that's why I am focusing on what's really going on right now.

 

I feel like such a FOOL writing all of this, as I should have stopped things long ago. Oh well, better late than never.

[adahy]

Is this all over a phone message? If this is the only thing you're going by, it seems like you might be overreacting a bit. Why not talk to him and ask him about the message? "I see your answering machine message changed to telling me I had reached The Joneses. What's that all about?"

 

Jones is pretty generic...kinda like the saying "keeping up with the Jones's". It could be a joke of some sort, but this guy is still disrespectful and should be dropped IMO.

[Anotherday]

Jones is pretty generic...kinda like the saying "keeping up with the Jones's". It could be a joke of some sort, but this guy is still disrespectful and should be dropped IMO.

 

No, I just used Jones. The name used isn't all that common and I had to look up different spellings. I just don't want to say it here.

[Anotherday]

I agree except for the message/truth statement. At this point, after a year, I would not want to know another single detail about this man!!!! If he can't share some of the most basic info w/ her, she shouldn't worry one bit about this stupid message. This man has been extremely disrespectful. I would not give him the courtesy of further discussion...or the opportunity to lie his way back into this girl's life. It doesn't take therapy or a PhD to know this man is BAD NEWS.

 

I agree. I don't want to know/need to know anything else. But I am looking for affirmation that I am doing the right thing. I hate to jump to conclusions, as there is enough wrong here that I should have walked away a long time ago.

 

And if I talk to him he WILL probably lie to me or probably make something up and I'll find a way to rationalize this in my head and that is what I fear. Better I just write the letter and be wrong about the outgoing message on the machine. I just don't want to overreact and he'll tell me I'm crazy if I confront him on this.

[treefrogkate]

Thanks for clarifying. The way he's acting about you visiting his home does sound a bit suspicious. If you've already decided to break up with him, I agree with adahy: It's probably best not to know.

[adahy]

I agree. I don't want to know/need to know anything else. But I am looking for affirmation that I am doing the right thing. I hate to jump to conclusions, as there is enough wrong here that I should have walked away a long time ago.

 

And if I talk to him he WILL probably lie to me or probably make something up and I'll find a way to rationalize this in my head and that is what I fear. Better I just write the letter and be wrong about the outgoing message on the machine. I just don't want to overreact and he'll tell me I'm crazy if I confront him on this.

 

Don't be hard on yourself. It takes time to get to know people sometimes. Patience is a good thing, but I think you've been more than fair here. Hey, if my place is messy or something I might not bring a girl over initially, but after dating a year??..that is just strange. I'd say he has secrets. And, going out with someone else FIRST on Valentine's Day??... very disrespectful!!! If you were upset, you had a right to be. Sounds like he's making excuses by blaming you...shady guys do this often. There's just a lot of warning signs here. Be careful and good luck!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i was in a very similar situation to yours... except i was in a long distance relationship with someone where i am positive he moved in with another woman in his town (and/or married her, who knows) but he strung me along for a long time where i was not allowed to visit his town and he never made time to spend weekends or holidays with me either, always some silly excuse about work or whatever.

 

there are lots of married men who lie about their status, in fact i read somewhere that 30% of all men on online dating websites are actually married and lying that they are single... so you can become an accidental 'other woman' or start out wtih a single guy who moves or marries someone else and still strings you along...

 

anyway, here is my thread about my situation, so read it to see if you see any similarities... i think your guy's 'roommate' is really his live-in, and they may have married recently hence the name change.

 

it really sounds to me like he is lying to you about his status, but if you are not sure, then you can call his bluff and tell him you want to come make dinner for him AND his roommate, and see what he does... if he refuses to let you come meet her and introduce you to her as his girlfriend, then i would throw in the towel and assume he is lying..

[Anotherday]

Oh my goodness, that bolded statement just stopped me in my tracks, until I realized that the name being used isn't his last name or hers. Still, if he has some "alternate" lifestyle and they are swingers, maybe they could be using this name as an AKA. The only other reason for the message I could think of might be to evade collectors, but I could think of a million rationalizations at this point. Boy, I've eaten three candy bars and don't want to look too hard.

 

He did say we should have her over to my place. That was before Christmas. He has told me she gives him looks like...I don't want to tell you what to do but why are you involved with her? He has told me I've been rude to her when I have not. BTW, he'd say no if I suggested I come over and make them dinner.

 

Thanks for your thread. I'll read it and then respond back. I appreciate your sharing it with me.

[Anotherday]

Don't be hard on yourself. It takes time to get to know people sometimes. Patience is a good thing, but I think you've been more than fair here. Hey, if my place is messy or something I might not bring a girl over initially, but after dating a year??..that is just strange. I'd say he has secrets. And, going out with someone else FIRST on Valentine's Day??... very disrespectful!!! If you were upset, you had a right to be. Sounds like he's making excuses by blaming you...shady guys do this often. There's just a lot of warning signs here. Be careful and good luck!

 

He blames me for everything. If I didn't do what I do he wouldn't do what he does. And there is something shady here. Thanks for your replies.

 

My thoughts are he'll go to the highest bidder. It just won't be me. I think that's been part of my charm honestly, as I am not broke and he is. It's not fun wondering if someone is just with you in part for that reason and he has taken advantage of me in that area. He has told me he's high maintenance and that all he has to do is stand on a street corner and the women will come. He's also told me no one else will ever endure my "issues" as he has. I've believed him on both counts.

[Anotherday]

I just read your thread and am glad you're doing well. Thing is, while reading it I had the feeling your instincts were right the whole time and it seemed obvious (to me) what you knew. Thing is, I have the cheap seat and was not emotionally invested in your situation, so I understand your checking it out back then. Am I am emotionally invested in this so I probably am questioning what I know inside.

 

I can relate to the timing of the phone calls, although he's called me when he is at home with her. There were weekends that would go by but he always called me on Monday. I never questioned him as to what he did.

 

The only thing I can come up with is they could have some sort of "open" relationship and maybe she is pulling in the reins, hence her picking up dinner on Valentine's day for them (a normal person would have had dinner with their SO and not roommate, of course unless she IS the SO). Still doesn't explain the "you've reached the Joneses" message this a.m. though.

 

I just want to not lose my resolve here and get sucked into another story. Very early on every instinct was making me say, "I cannot do this." Then there was the Easter cancellation where he didn't know he had to work Easter Sunday until 9 p.m. Saturday night (yeah right, he has Presidents Day off but was forced to work on Easter and he works a day shift M-F job). Something is not right.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

maybe he does have an 'open' relationship with this woman... some couples agree that it is ok to see someone else as long as they tell (or don't tell, depending on the way they want it)... and that they can do it as long as they don't bring the other person home... could explain why he panicked and wouldn't let you into the house, in case she ever found out about it.

 

that may be an OK arrangement for them if they both agreed to it, but it is basically terrible and dishonest unless the other people they are dragging into their lives are clued into it and allowed to decide whether they want to be involved with someone who has a commitment to someone else.

 

there are honest swinger types out there who go looking openly for other people who want to do that with them, but there are lots of guys who know that as soon as a woman finds out he's in a relationship with someone else, she'll have nothing to do with him, so he lies to get what he wants, but tells his live-in he's just out swinging... so it's the reverse of a traditional affair, where the wife knows nothing about the husband and his mistress, but in this case, maybe the wife and husband know about the mistress, but the mistress doesn't know she's a mistress, she thinks she's a girlfriend!

 

or maybe he is seeing her, you, AND other women and lying to all of them about the relationship status... some guys like the thrill of balancing several women, and he sounds likes he's got a big ego if he's making statements like he can stand on a street corner and women will come to him...

 

anyway, it is hard to break up with someone, but then, if that person is not really available to you and not treating you right or excluding you from large areas of his life with very weak excuses, who needs that punishment?

 

i decided my own LDR guy would lie with his last breath, because he really didn't want to give me up, but obviously was not really available no matter what he claimed...

 

but i think we both know what we know, deep down inside, but it is so hard to see it for ourselves when we are really attached to them, and they are manipulating our feelings with lies...

 

best of luck, you deserve better... it was really hard when i made the decision to break it off, but when i realized he was not really mine, and never would be, and was selfish enough to lie to me about what was really going on in his life, and future possibilities to enjoy weekends, holidays etc., when there were none, and never would be, what was the point of going on with him after that?

[Anotherday]

BSBH, considering you knew him as a friend for ten years, it must have been VERY hard, especially in light of your honesty. His BIG loss.

 

I don't know what is up, but I did call him and confront him. The old me would have done this and I'm tired of backing down. At first he said that message didn't say that (and I heard his "roommate" say she hadn't changed the message since last night, when the same message did not play). Of course he told me not to be an a-hole. Then he called me back and said the message said that, but it wasn't her voice. Then he said he got the phone from someone he didn't know and it was their message. Then he said he cannot even erase or record new messages. Well, if that is the case how come I heard two different messages last night and tonight? And after a year, I think I know her voice. Still, the hardest thing to believe is that he would lie about this. He told me I owed the TWO of them an apology and I said fine, invite me over and I'll humbly apologize to both of you. He said he will when he is good and ready.

 

Interspersed in the conversation, he managed to call me an a-hole, an idiot and mental (truth is I do have bipolar disorder and he uses it against me all the time). Then he asked me if I felt like making him crab stuffed mushrooms (he had purchased mushrooms for $6 and didn't want to see me use them in spaghetti), then got very angry with me because I couldn't remember what he'd said a few sentences back. So, he started swearing and hung up on me for that.

 

Yes, I know I must seem like a nutcase for having stayed in this. Truth is, I've never been with someone like him and he wasn't that way when we started. Too, he's done his best to convince me I am just imagining things and being my crazy bipolar self. I've been this way my whole life and have achieved a few more things than him, so he has some nerve!

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience with me. Thanks to everyone who has answered. He is probably lying, but the old "I really cannot believe he'd lie to me" message is still in my head.

[Rabican]

You gotta end things with this guy. Sounds like NOTHING but trouble, drama, problems, lies, bad tempers, excuses... he must be good in bed eh?

[Anotherday]

You gotta end things with this guy. Sounds like NOTHING but trouble, drama, problems, lies, bad tempers, excuses... he must be good in bed eh?

 

Hah, I am embarrassed to admit this, but we've rarely had sex (yet another reason I question his relationship). It gets worse, but I can't even bring myself to mention it here. Suffice to say I wondered exactly what the nature of his "roommate" relationship was the very first night I was with him via one of my senses.

 

I've decided to not answer his calls anymore. Whatever his deal is, he is abusive and it will only get worse. I am sort of relieved, even though I sort of ate too much today. Oh well.

 

I really appreciate all of your replies! It really helped me just to get some input. I don't deserve what has happened and only I can stop it by permanently walking away. Let him have his roommate. Good riddance and now it's time to work on me and figure out how I let this happen.

 

You enotaloners are the best.

[caro33]

Hi Anotherday, I've come late to your thread but I wanted to throw my support in as well. I think this guy sounds poisonous and surely you will be better off without him.

 

All power to you mate, get him away from you so that you are closer to finding that relationship that is worthy of you.

[rabbitskin]

Yeah! Go you! Well done for recognising that this guy is BAD for you, and doing something about it. It's hard to break off relationships, even if they are poisonous. I think you should give yourself a big pat on the back and be PROUD of you for your decision.

Be strong and look forward to your next happy, healthy relationship with someone who invites you over and cooks you dinner! (hugs).