My boyfriend keeps making me mad

[VeganBohemian]

All this weekend, my boyfriend has been distracted. Not by school (as he usually is), but just by his thoughts. We had basically no sexual contact and he kept acting moody and pessimistic about everything. He tried to diet all weekend and didn't really let himself eat much. He has been like this for about 2 weeks now. He complains about things that are so irrational. And he has started to pick on me a little bit too. He criticized me for wanting to take an internship in NYC this summer because of the money it will cost. Trust me, there are no internships in NJ for the field I want to go into. My mom has offered to pay for my suits or train, etc. He was being a jerk about it. He wouldn't let me wear a shirt a bought because it was "too low" and showed cleavage (something I NEVER do. I never wear nice clothes and I always cover up my body because I always think I am not sexy. I bought the outfit special for the occaision of going to a play). He just kept on criticizing me for stuff, which he never does. He sat on the couch all day Saturday complaining about how his body will not stay at the same weight (he has looked exactly the same since I met him, BTW) and that he never knows if his clothes will fit, and any advice I gave him (eat healthy, exercise) got criticism.

 

And to top it off, his professor has reffered him for a job as a project manager (he is still in college, but he graduate in a couple of months) and he is still down in the dumps. The job is GREAT and he is excited, but all he kept doing all weekend is complaining and being a jerk.

 

I cannot complain to him back, although it was clear that I was annoyed with him. He spent an obscene amount of money on me this weekend (it was his dad's money----my bf gets a weekly "allowance" at 22 years old of 200 dollars) on a broadway show, a movie, SO much food, a dvd I need for my class, etc. And then he gave me 40 dollars extra.

 

But, we had virtually no physical contact and he didn't act the same as he normally does. Last weekend, we had a HORRIBLE weekend (see my other post) about his class. An issue which has been completely resolved.

 

I am afraid of 2 things. One---we won't bounce back. Two---I did something to make him this way.

 

He seems quite depressed, but won't admit it. I kept asking him if he was okay and he said yes, but I know that he isn't. I really don't think it is me---although it definitely could be---it could be that he doesn't feel attracted toward me---but I don't know. We have been together for like 1.5 years.

 

He seems unhappy. What should I do? He will not go to therapy. When he was younger, he has been to many therapists that could not help. He already has anxiety issues, but I have always been able to calm him down or make him happy before. Not this time, it seems. He seems geuinely out of it.

__________________

[Batya33]

I know you know - at least I hope you do - that "two" cannot be right. For what it's worth, the college internship I did in NYC (20 years ago!) changed my life - great decision and congratulations to you. Sounds like he likes to whine so he can get attention. Maybe you should stop reinforcing his whining with attention and just give him space so he sees it is ineffective.

[Zaphod]

He sat on the couch all day Saturday complaining about how his body will not stay at the same weight (he has looked exactly the same since I met him, BTW)

 

Perhaps you could gently explain to him that he's a living breathing dynamic ever changing being who's body weight will constantly fluctuate throughout his life.

 

Sounds to me like this guy is stressed. Explains the irrationality.

If he hasn't got the balls to admit that to you then I worry for your communication, which you will both need plenty of to get through this.

[VeganBohemian]

He knows I know he is stressed. We have non-verbal communication skills. Haha. This has been an ongoing issue (his claimed inability to eat normally and maintain a weight). His side is---and he has a point---that he was able to eat whatever he wanted when he was younger and he played sports ALL the time, had lots of energy, etc. He got put on medicine as a teen and gained about 56 pounds in a month. The only way he lost it was by literally starving himself. That was about 8 years ago. he says the medicine "permenantly damaged" his body. eyes Now, he is thin, but sedentary (completely), and has virtually no energy (if you discount nervous energy). He tries to eat relatively healthy and he says if he works out, he gets sick or very very sore. He says that all nutritionists are "idiots". He claims to have all of this ability to "reason", the king of Logic, but he doesn't see how illogical he really is. I love him and want him to be happy.

[Zaphod]

Now, he is thin, but sedentary (completely), and has virtually no energy (if you discount nervous energy). He tries to eat relatively healthy and he says if he works out, he gets sick or very very sore. He says that all nutritionists are "idiots". He claims to have all of this ability to "reason", the king of Logic, but he doesn't see how illogical he really is. I love him and want him to be happy.

 

With all due respect your man takes the lazy option to a healthy body.

 

You can eat whatever diet you want , but without exercise, it's meaningless.

 

Sounds to me like he has a slight mental eating disorder, if you don't mind me saying so. Could stem from a control thing.

Or the memories of being overweight.

[arwen]

Hey sweetie,

 

I think that a non-balanced diet to just lose weight, is enough to make people quite irritable. Did you think he may be depressed before he went on that diet? Exercise is THE key to a healthy life. I know so for myself, now that I live so close to my work, that I really have to put effort into getting my butt away from the pc! I am naturally slim, but I feel drowsy no matter what if I don't get my regular trainings. Why doesn't he start some martial arts? It's a great work out and more than that.

 

I think that if he's truly depressed, there is little you can do but support him. It's difficult if he doesn't admit to it, but there is no reason to blame yourself for it. If that were the case, wouldn't he TELL you so? If you really did something to upset him so badly, I doubt that he would just give you the silent treatmen so to say.

 

Arwen

[Batya33]

Hey sweetie,

 

I think that a non-balanced diet to just lose weight, is enough to make people quite irritable. Did you think he may be depressed before he went on that diet? Exercise is THE key to a healthy life. I know so for myself, now that I live so close to my work, that I really have to put effort into getting my butt away from the pc! I am naturally slim, but I feel drowsy no matter what if I don't get my regular trainings. Why doesn't he start some martial arts? It's a great work out and more than that.

 

I think that if he's truly depressed, there is little you can do but support him. It's difficult if he doesn't admit to it, but there is no reason to blame yourself for it. If that were the case, wouldn't he TELL you so? If you really did something to upset him so badly, I doubt that he would just give you the silent treatmen so to say. "

 

 

This is an excellent point - the mood-food link is well documented (and personally I know how I get if I don't eat right - makes pms seem like a cake walk, pun intended).

[Kalika]

VB -

I do NOT want to offend you with this post.. I really just want you to see another perspective. So apologies ahead of time, if this post irritates you...

 

I notice that you start a lot of threads about your boyfriend. Mostly it seems to be related to his depression, insecurities, etc.. I can't help but wonder, if these issues are a constant in your relationship, and are upsetting enough that you start threads about him frequently: Is it possible you're forcing the relationship with him?

 

A pattern I noticed in your previous threads is that whenever he gets depressed, you worry/try to fix it for him. Hun, regardless of whether you stay with him or not, you can't fix it for him. If he wants to stay in shape, he knows what he's got to do. If he wants to get help for depression, he knows that counseling is an option for him.

[redrose85]

sounds like he needs some fresh air and healthy food! He definitely sounds stressed out. My advice would be to back off (hard as it is) and give him his space. He will come to you when he's ready.