I have a BF but im flirting...

[Katiebaby]

Hi everyone.

I have a problem. I have been chatting away on msn to a fella i met as a friend online. He knows im taken too by the way it was one of the first things i mentioned. Thing is we have been flirting a little and he has been so sweet. He knows about my homelife, and he sees bf's side, but he seems to b always there when i need someone to talk to, which bf usually isn't.. Let me just paint u a picture, sorry this may be long...

Things have been difficult at home with my man and I. We have been together for almost three years, bought a house together, and been living together for about four months.

The thing is, we have different weekends to one and other (i get sun n mon, he gets tue n wed) this has been the case during the most part of the relationship. It is not possible to have this changed, believe me, we have tried. When we see each other its only before and after work. there are always things to do around the house, and we tend to get grouchy at each other a lot. Thus, we fight, and then we solve it n sleep. So the good, fun quality time we have together is right there!!

Another thing. I'm a person that needs me time. I need to be on my own for a little while each day to de stress, surf tha net, do whatever.

I will also mention that he is a really nice guy most of the time when i have his attention. Okay heres the jucy part... I have been finding myself less and less content in the relationship, and we are having sex less, its almost like he feels like a posessive friend more than a boyfriend. I have been getting attention from a bloke online that we share a lot in common with, and also from co workers, male friends, you name it.

I usually laugh off the attention because I knew bf would get jelous, he is like that. Now I have had many talks, arguments and heart to hearts with him about not feeling content but it usually ends badly or with a promise to take a day off together, which he has forgotten to do the last two times!! Giving me a chance to flirt with whoever will flirt back. The thing is with bf is that he is not always sensitive to things that I am... like when my uncle died he said for me not to be sad because it is dragging him down, and when i had the lump in my boob he said he didnt wanna talk about it.

We have a house together. My folks went garentoor for us so if it goes bust and we have to sell and cant repay all of it, then it could b bad for mum n dad. I just feel really trapped. He doesn't pay attetion to me so I find myself looking for attention, but I feel guilty as hell. (oh and for ur info guys i would NEVER dream of cheating on him NO WAAY) It just feels yuk and i needed to get it out... any advice would b great! Thanks Luv Kate xoxo

[DN]

You can make a decision to stop talking to this man - and then stop. It is cheating - emotionally cheating and it is a wrong thing to do.

 

Use the energy to concentrate on your relationship. If you feel the relationship is not working for you and is unlikely to get better then you should end it and find someone more suited to you. It is a mistake to stay in a relationship for financial reasons and there are ways you could make sure your parents do not suffer, even if it means you have to pay them back over time.

 

Take charge of your own life and make decisions accordingly.

[Goblin]

If you go ahead and flirt, you are not only destroying ur bf's life. You will end up hurtinghim and u end up hurt and the guy u are flirting with as well. So save the trouble and find ways how to work this out. You cant just totally rely on ur bf on a relationship. You too have to make an effort...first step : cease flirting w other guys and focus on ur bf.

 

You shud be thankful that at least hes not flirting or chatting up w other girls. He may not be loving to you because there are probably things he has to do like financial stuffs, his job and other things on his mind he has to settle. Once u share w him abt this guy and that guy, it will start to distract him and make things worse.

 

So best thing is to give ur support to your man in ways that he needed to, like encouraging him at what hes best at or compliment in the good things he does. Im sure he will be more loving to you!

 

Looking elsewhere when u dont get the attention from ur man will get u far far away from ur man.

 

Good luck.

[Katiebaby]

First of all thanks for the replies guys!

 

First of all let me clarif that i am not cybering or didrty talking with other men, just playful flirting... I have beel like that for ever. Thing is I feel bad about it because When I look forward to seeing bf, he comes home and is in a mood usually, and i am all huggy n trying to be sweet to him, and he doesn't want a bar of it. There are many times that I need a hug or a kind word, a compliment y'know nice positive things, and I seem to get all that off everyone else but him. It drives me nuts. But when I talk to other guyz they are happy to have a yak and all that... most of the time its innocent... Have me n bf ran out of things to talk about!?

 

 

There is no real spark, nothing within me that screams yeah i wanna marry this guy, and i fear that there shud be... Which leads me to think maybe theres someone out there yet for me... But then theres the issue of leaving the relationship and realising 'oops'...

 

I really want it to work out but its just hard playing the please him game all the time. I do so much for him and i just want some recognition. Some appreciation and some attention...And yes we have spoken - and been civil and tactful about it, but he always gets defensive. i even say, look its not ur fault but we both need to do something, we need to spend positive time together... I really wanna have a go of this and I make a bloody good effort but y wont he go out on a limb too... Like when I suggest we apply for a day off together to go n do lunch or something nice... I apply and he usually forgets or his boss says no at the last minute (not his fault of course) But yeah...

 

lol sorry bout the 'novel' again Enotaloners!

[FortunateOne]

First of all let me clarif that i am not cybering or didrty talking with other men, just playful flirting... I have beel like that for ever.

 

Flirting is often described as casual conversation with a romantic touch, but it need not be spoken interaction at all.

link removed

 

flirt: playful behavior intended to arouse sexual interest

link removed

 

Main Entry: 1flirt link removed

Pronunciation: 'fl&rt

Function: verb

Etymology: origin unknown

intransitive verb

1 to move erratically : link removed

2 a to behave amorously without serious intent b to show superficial or casual interest or liking

3 to come close to reaching or experiencing something -- used with with

transitive verb

1 : link removed

2 to move in a jerky manner

synonym see link removed

- flir·ta·tion link removed /"fl&r-'tA-sh&n/ noun

- flirt·er noun

- flirty link removed /'fl&r-tE/ adjective

link removed

I'd venture a guess that the English language must be off on what flirting means. Hmmm!

 

 

Thing is I feel bad about it because When I look forward to seeing bf, he comes home and is in a mood usually, and i am all huggy n trying to be sweet to him, and he doesn't want a bar of it. There are many times that I need a hug or a kind word, a compliment y'know nice positive things, and I seem to get all that off everyone else but him. It drives me nuts. But when I talk to other guyz they are happy to have a yak and all that... most of the time its innocent... Have me n bf ran out of things to talk about!?

 

 

There is no real spark, nothing within me that screams yeah i wanna marry this guy, and i fear that there shud be... Which leads me to think maybe theres someone out there yet for me... But then theres the issue of leaving the relationship and realising 'oops'...

 

I really want it to work out but its just hard playing the please him game all the time. I do so much for him and i just want some recognition. Some appreciation and some attention...And yes we have spoken - and been civil and tactful about it, but he always gets defensive. i even say, look its not ur fault but we both need to do something, we need to spend positive time together... I really wanna have a go of this and I make a bloody good effort but y wont he go out on a limb too... Like when I suggest we apply for a day off together to go n do lunch or something nice... I apply and he usually forgets or his boss says no at the last minute (not his fault of course) But yeah...

 

lol sorry bout the 'novel' again Enotaloners!

 

Since you're young, do yourself a favor and experience life before you commit to a man. Find your self identity and become a self made confident woman. Then you'll find a mate to complement you, not complete you. Just let go of the fear and do the right thing with your boyfriend.

[kellbell]

Hey there Katie,

 

You are cheating on your boyfriend, emotionally. You and this other guy are bonding on a more emotional level, he knows about your life and the nature of your troubles with your boyfriend. You turn to him for comfort and attention. That is my friend, engaging in an emotional affair. Plus, you are having sex less and less with your boyfriend because you are investing your time and emotion to this other guy. That too, is cheating. Finally, it is cheating because your boyfriend has no idea about it, you are sneaking and going behind your boyfriend's back. That too, is cheating. You are doing something you know very clear your boyfriend would not approve of and would be devestated if he became privy to your actions.

 

You are downplaying it to harmless flirting but it is not harmless. It is taking away from your current relationship and you are sneaking. If it was so harmless, why don't you tell your boyfriend and why is your current relationship suffering because of it. It seems like you already have one foot out the door and stick around because of this house you bought with your boyfriend.

 

If you no longer want to be with your boyfriend, then end the relationship. The house situation can be sorted out. If you genuninely want to work things out with your boyfriend, stop contacting this other guy. What you are doing is wrong and hurtful and deep down, I think you realize this. Do the right thing. Whatever you decide, I hope everything works out.

[DavidLarson]

Amen.

 

My girlfriend was doing the exact same thing. Except I was giving her all the attention and some she was asking for. Either way, she came clean about it and it ripped my guts out.

 

She called it "harmless flirting," at first, but it turned into more and I got hurt. I and continue to suffer for what she did every day. Seriously. STOP talking to that guy. Deal with your relationship and if you break up; THEN go flirt.

 

Wow, this is so wicked; my girlfriend even uses that pinkish/purplish font color when she writes. Please stop what you're doing. Even though your BF sounds like a lug; nobody deserves this treatment.

[Katiebaby]

Hey everyone thanks for your responses I'm pretty sure I agree with you all... KellBell hit the nail on the head. Now that I think about it it seems rediculous for one, but on the other its as if i'm substituting the attention i dont get from bf, with that from others.

 

I quite enjoy the odd nod of approval in the street, and a flirty chat here and there, and he has seen the flirty messages and the flirty comments others have left me on my myspace page... Not that that makes the situation any better... I just wish that HE was the one giving me the attention. I do think about breaking up quite a lot. Altho u guys are the only ones who know about that...

 

I couldn't do it to either of us- break up that is. My net friend encourages me to try and make things work, nd gives me some tips which have so far turned out helpful. 99% of the conversation is not flirting, but its just that when we do, it stirs up feelings inside that I haven't had for years. I never knew I had feelings like that in Me... Y couldnt bf bring them out?

 

And the point from MoneyGod about being young... I have never even had that - gone out with the girls had a flirt, danced etc... him and I have been together for a long time... There has only been gaps of like 5 or 6 months between relationships with me so i really haven't experienced singledom, I tend to feel more secure within a relationship, but by then the chase is over, and it all becomes routine. I know damn well im not ready to be in this situation with the house and all. I wish I had waited but I think its high time I dealt with my issues like a grown up. See where the relationship takes me... Im just afraid of regretting anything. I doubt strongly that we will break up, but there is always that feeling...

[Katiebaby]

Just thought i'd add to that... The reason for having sex less is not because i am talking with other fellas, this flirty business has only been going on for a week or two, and the relationship has been feeling increasingly draining ever since we moved out. So for about four months or so.

If the msn was affecting the relationship then I would end it no questions. It, like this very forum is a place I have been turning to when I need to talk or feel lonley or wanna chat to friends.

And another thing... I am not talking with this other fella for the sole purpose of flirting, that would be using him. I talk with him because we are friends, we talk bout music, careers, bikes, all sorts of stuff. He lives in another state and is not my type physically he is just someone that is really cool to chat to.

[kellbell]

Hey there Katie,

 

Usually when someone is feeling such as your feeling at the moment indicates a lack of proper communication in the relationship. So when needs are not being met, whatever they may be, the person looks elsewhere for the attention.

 

This is pattern with you so it is important for you to take a step back and think about why this is so. I remember your thread from back in September about you wanting attention ALL the time. Why is it that you crave attention? Is it low confidence, low self esteem, need for validation, boredom? Whatever it may be, it is imparitive that you figure this out because no matter whom you get into a relationship with, the chances are you are not going to find the person nor the relationship gratifying or satisifying.

[ghost69]

but you said you are flirting. talking about movies, and such isn't cheating. you said you were flirting. big difference.

 

.........................................................................................................................................................................................

[Katiebaby]

Heya Ghost! Thats what I thought! We are still talking, bf doesnt seem to have an issue with it as i have nothing to hide really. We mostly talk about general stuff but every now n then we have a little flirt. Nothing major but inittially I was feelin really guilty about it... Now i dont feel guilt at all. Bf even sits in the room n we all chat togethe sometimes...

[ghost69]

general stuff is like having a male friend. i have female friends that i talk about generic stuff like that with. no gf of mine was every jealous. they know i'm not hooking up with them or talking about things that are too personal.

 

.........................................................................................................................................................................................