Why is it so hard to find a nice guy????

[Leonhart]

Depends where you're looking.

 

To find a suitable companion, you must look in suitable environs.

[skyblue1]

well, where do you look for these ''nice'' guys? if you want a nice, warm-hearted gentleman who geniunely loves and cares for you (including faithfulness), then dance clubs and bars are the wrong places to look.

 

there are plenty of nice guys out there ... but are you only interested in "nice" guys who also happen to be gorgeous, or are you the type to give ... say, a chubby nice guy a chance?

 

i'm not judging or anything ... just curious as to what you are looking for.

 

 

 

i'm a nice guy, but i'm not Tom Cruise ... i'm a little taller

 

 

I guess he has to be attractive in my eyes too. I just always end up with jerks who can't treat a lady or have a communication problem.

[Batya33]

With all gentleness, it sounds from the description of your last date that you may have had some issues communicating too as you yourself suggested. Sometimes the communication problem results from the dynamic between two people.

[skyblue1]

With all gentleness, it sounds from the description of your last date that you may have had some issues communicating too as you yourself suggested. Sometimes the communication problem results from the dynamic between two people.

 

I agree Batya33 - i remember when things used to be so easy when i was much younger. Getting in a relationship is so hard

[Batya33]

No -not that hard - sometimes maintaining can be hard if there is fighting/bickering. It's harder if you make it harder for yourself whether it be unrealistic standards, pushing people away, unrealistic expectations early on, etc. Not saying you do any of that, of course!

[CharlesF]

I'm a nice guy. You can trust me on that. Congratulations, you found a nice guy.

[skyblue1]

I'm a nice guy. You can trust me on that. Congratulations, you found a nice guy.

 

Sure you are x

[listerofsmeg]

Us nice guys usually become friends because were told we are too nice and they dont want to lose that

[papalazarou]

Hit the nail on the head there...

 

Also girls dont actually appreciate when you do become the nice guy and treay them well and do whatever you can for them (within reason), they then get bored and dump you for guy #1 and then repeat to fade.

 

Im a nice guy. I have a social life, a great group of friends, decent hobbies etc. Treated a girl real nice. Introduced her to my friends who all accepted her.

 

Then after 6 months POW see ya.

 

Thanks alot. So much for being a nice guy...

[Anonybrit]

Well, I can tell you that I'd I've never been in a relationship so I'm almost weary of falling in love to quickly - I imagine if I met someone compatible it could happen really easily.

 

It feels as if I'm almost obligated to have a few flings before looking for something more real.

[jimpster2005]

There are plenty of nice guys out there - I'm one of them!

 

The problem I've had is that I've been too nice in the past - and still have some work to do on this...

 

I couldn't fully appreciate that I would be a turn off if I was all nice and sweet and giving to a woman, but now I've worked out why...

 

The way I see it is that there are two extremes, bad boy and nice guy, neither of which will on the whole lead to a totally successful relationship. There needs to be a middle ground - a decent, honest guy who stand up for his beliefs and looks after himself and those around him.

 

I believe that nature engineers it this way so that women have successful relationships with men who will be good providers, romantic lovers and good protectors for the new life that women bring into the world - kids. This is what 'life' is about at it's basic level - successful evolution.

 

When a woman is attracted to a 'bad boy' this is because she's not ready for a relationship herself - she has her own drama to sort out first - neediness, lack of excitement in her own life etc

 

When she's finally worked out her drama and is content, she will more than likely bump into a nice guy, who by then has worked through the phase of being too nice.

 

Result - successful relationship!

[Batya33]

How does your theory apply to women who do not want or cannot have children? Does your theory apply to those women who choose not to have biological children but to adopt children instead? Are they in some way not acting consistently with what life is all about since they are not reproducing?

[jimpster2005]

Regardless of the fact that a woman cannot have or does not want kids, I believe that women are at some level 'pre-programmed' to look for these qualities in a man.

 

Unfortunately, not everything goes to plan due to our 'free choice' and outside influences (media etc), so when two people get together who are not ready or right for each other, then their 'problems' will be passed onto the kids and the problem continues through generations...

 

It's just a theory, but I believe it makes sense. Human beings are still very underdeveloped as a species and are thus imperfect.

 

There's far more to this than I have have time to type - I suggest reading 'The Celestine Prophecy' for an outline view of how I believe life works - a view which is backed up and enforced by scientific findings...

[amazed]

There's always nice guys lurking around, you just don't realize because they never speak up. Just look at guys you know who are perpetually single and you've pretty much found one.

[emit_remmus]

Are you rude and boring? Do you find yourself giving guys the cold shoulder. Watch yo' self...

[Batya33]

There's always nice guys lurking around, you just don't realize because they never speak up. Just look at guys you know who are perpetually single and you've pretty much found one.

 

I don't think you can make that presumption - it could be that he wants to be single, that he is single because he has no backbone/self respect (and that is not "nice" in the least, although it is sad), that he lacks social skills, that he is unwilling to ask a woman out for a drink, choosing instead to prioritize his fear over connecting with someone - or many other infinite reasons. The truly nice guys I know - meaning confident, respectful, people of integrity - are never single for long.

[JadedStar]

I cannot tell you how many posts I have read over the years from "nice guys" who talked about how their g/f dumped them for a loser or someoe they really liked told them "i like just being friends".

 

Most girls will let a really nice guy slip thru her fingers. Maybe the nice guys have been around but you are drawn to a particular type and you don't even realize it. I was in my 30's before my tastes in guys finally changed and i started migrating to the ones who were more clean cut and responsible. In other words, these guys I would have thought were straight up nerds five or so years prior. Suddenly I liked that type of guy as I got a bit older.

[Batya33]

I am still baffled as to why "nice" refers to and suggests passive, nerdy, non-assertive and shy. Certainly men who are "geeky" or "nerdy" can be nice people but not because they are nerdy and geeky. I find passive/non-assertive people who are doormats annoying, not "nice" and while certainly someone who is shy can be very nice they also can be shy because they are distrustful of people without knowing them, which isn't always a nice attribute.

 

On the other hand, I do think some people grow out of liking people who treat them badly, who are arrogant, uncaring and selfish. But the opposite is not "passive" or "shy" - the opposite is a man who is confident but not arrogant, a man of character and integrity and reasonable confidence.

[sarge17]

Ladies

 

You are looking for the wrong type of man. I have another label or name for what you should be looking for.

 

You are looking for a "good guy" This is a man between a jerk and a nice guy.

 

A good guy will not put you on a pedastal like a nice guy, you will be on his same level. He will not allow you to use him as a doormat and he wont use you the same way.

 

He is secure, confident, respectful and will stand his ground in a respectful way. He will not shower you with gifts when a disagrement happens. This would be like rewarding a dog for pooping on the carpet. He will lead you and be fun.

 

He will not beg or plead for your attention. He has self respect and you will not see any actions from him that would convey this differently. He has integrety. He would never cheat. He is not arrogant like the jerk but lets his actions show the real him from the start.

 

I could go on and on but I hope you understand what I'm trying to convey. Mostly it is a man ( real man ) who has the mixture of both the jerk and the nice guy. Believe me they are out there, more than you think

[JadedStar]

The only thing I differ with you on is I don't think it is a mixture of a jerk and a nice guy.

 

It is simply that the definition of nice guy is different to each person. I dont want a guy who is a jerk period even if part of the time.

 

I think my husband is the definition of a "nice guy". He is assertive and confident, but at the same time has no qualms showing his tender side and showering me with gifts on occasion, saying loving things to me daily, and so forth. He is not a push over and no doormat for sure. I have enormous respect for him and would never try to bully or walk all over him in the first place.

 

But my defnition of a "nice guy" might be different from someone else's. Not only is beauty in the eye of the beholder but so is the personality preference.

[Dating Coach]

I am still baffled as to why "nice" refers to and suggests passive, nerdy, non-assertive and shy. Certainly men who are "geeky" or "nerdy" can be nice people but not because they are nerdy and geeky. I find passive/non-assertive people who are doormats annoying, not "nice" and while certainly someone who is shy can be very nice they also can be shy because they are distrustful of people without knowing them, which isn't always a nice attribute.

 

 

Batya, I believe the term "Nice Guy" was coined by those passive/non-assertive guys themselves. They always describe themselves as guys who want to treat girls right and they complain about how those girls always seem to date guys who are "Jerks". Almost always these guys who do this are guys whom put women on a pedastle and do whatever they can to make a girl like them. That is why I believe the term "nice" is referred to in association with the passive/non-assertive guys.

[sarge17]

It is simply that the definition of nice guy is different to each person. I dont want a guy who is a jerk period even if part of the time.

 

I agree you dont want the qaulities of the "jerk" but there are some things that women are attracted to in the "jerk" which you would never find in the "nice guy".

 

This might sound silly but there are some positive things the "jerk" convey to women that make them attractive. The "good guy" will have some of these qaulities but in a more toned down way. Making them even more interesting and attractive. It wont come accross as "jerk" material.

[Batya33]

I've never found arrogance or aloofness attractive or positive but I have seen jerky behaviors like this. I simply object to the term nice being affiliated with passive/non-assertive/doormat behaviors.

[sarge17]

Batya, I believe the term "Nice Guy" was coined by those passive/non-assertive guys themselves. They always describe themselves as guys who want to treat girls right and they complain about how those girls always seem to date guys who are "Jerks". Almost always these guys who do this are guys whom put women on a pedastle and do whatever they can to make a girl like them. That is why I believe the term "nice" is referred to in association with the passive/non-assertive guys.

 

I agree, but it seems everyone has a different take on the word "nice".

 

In my world " nice guys" are passive aggressive, insecure, try and buy women with over the top gifts, calling to many times a day. Putting women on pedastals that they cant reach, being doormats, will do anything for the women to please her because they think they are not good enough being themselfs for her to like him , they are basically chumps. They are not a challenge or interesting

 

This is why I like the word "good guy" It is a "nice guy" with his act together.

[JadedStar]

I agree you dont want the qaulities of the "jerk" but there are some things that women are attracted to in the "jerk" which you would never find in the "nice guy".

 

This might sound silly but there are some positive things the "jerk" convey to women that make them attractive. The "good guy" will have some of these qaulities but in a more toned down way. Making them even more interesting and attractive. It wont come accross as "jerk" material.

 

The term "nice guy" is still subjective tho. SOme women feel to be a nice guy he must ALWAYS open the door for her. TO me, that seems more like a nuisance as I am independent so I would not need that while some women would. Another women may internally be thinking a "nice guy" would compliment her daily and say I love you daily, other women might find that overkill and think a guy like that is clingy.

 

No one can define what a "nice guy" is expect the person who is seeking him. Her definition at that time is all that matters. Not the definition that nerds might label themselves at or that we label them as.